To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

"You hit a small child who was completely reliant on you, loves you and looked to you for protection. It's a massive deal and will likely have impacted her attachment to you. Read a bit around attachment theory."

I used to teach on an access to nursing course in London where about 50% of the students were African women in their 20's and 30's. They almost all had children. As part of a lesson I suggested a debate about the topic of smacking. It was the first and last time I ever raised this issue with students. The lesson ended in tears and shouting as the class roughly split along racial and religious lines. The vast majority of the African and West Indian mums smacked their own kids and had been smacked themselves as children. They not only thought that there was nothing wrong with it but actually felt that it was an important tool in their parenting armoury. They were DEEPLY offended by the suggestion that it was abusive or harmful.

Both DH and I were smacked as children. Not just once. It was something that happened many times in our childhood. Both of us had happy childhoods and are deeply attached to our parents.

I don't agree with smacking but I'd be surprised if it caused attachment issues in an otherwise good parent child relationship.

this study is interesting - suggests that high levels of maternal warmth offset the impact of harsh discipline. It flags up the fact that corporal punishment and authoritative parenting are far more common in some communities.

OP has described it as 'more than a hit.' To me this suggests physical abuse. Let's not minimise child abuse.

As part of a lesson I suggested a debate about the topic of smacking. It was the first and last time I ever raised this issue with students.

So you just let them off having their views challenged because they were black minifingers?

Why?

Just to add, there are people who are deeply offended at the suggestion that FGM is abusive or harmful as it is within cultural norms. Their offence doesn't make it ok forthose views not to be challenged though. If you read serious case reviews, you'll see much evidence of children experiencing harm because of individuals willingness to write off warning incidents of abuse as being culturally acceptable.

Apologies if it feels that I'm being difficult, I simply cannot stand back and pretend that one incident of physical abuse is ok.

Graceflorrick exactly. I'm fairly surprised minifingers is admitting she did this, I'm presuming around the time of Victoria Climbe.

I suppose kudos to you for being so honest.

I really, really hope no white people internalised that message and became convinced their own views were considered less important by people in positions of authority, because they couldn't play the 'culture card'.

So you took your 6 or 7 year old daughter, hurt her and threw her into the garden. She had bruises and was frightened...

Let me tell you a story.
My mother would do shit like this. "Just a slap" would leave me bruised and shaking in my bedroom hiding behind my stuffed toys.

I'm mentally I'll from all the trauma. Like your daughter.
My mother was an abusive cunt.
I cut her out my life years ago and if your daughter does the same you could hardly fucking blame her.
She was a small defenceless child and how you sleep at night I have no idea.

The worst part is you defend yourself."I was unwell" - you reduced the incident to "just a slap" minimising.

Minimising her feelings. SHE'S IN THERAPY AND TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. And you are worried about yourself.

ethelb, The SCR into Victoria's death is the case that always reminds me of the need to challenge, question and promote the rights of children in all circumstances. It's never right to be silenced or walk away for fear of causing offence when we're talking about safeguarding children.

As others have said, the few times my mother hit me caused far less damage than the psychological harm. I self harmed for years, I was bulimic and on anti depressants by the time I was 15. I still struggle massively with food issues, I have horrendous anxiety, I was diagnosed with OCD at 19 and I've had about three hours of sleep a night for years.

She has vaguely apologised for being 'not great' while we were growing up but she refuses point blank to accept that mental health issues are a real thing and she took it very personally when I told her I was being assessed for AS. She acted as though it was a slight on her parenting

Thanks for all the comments...

I never said it was just a slap.

Of course there have been incidents when we have argued and stuff the odd time I'd make her walk home but nothing like that.

OP, to answer your original question, no, I don't think that incident has caused your DD's current poor mental health.

I do think that she brings up that occassion because it is the one that is easiest to put into words and the one incident that you fully take responsibility for. The other incidents that she feels have contributed to her poor MH are more difficult/messier/cause more arguments IYSWIM.

Are you getting any help yourself?

In my work I received a case once involving a family, a parent had one violent incident towards the child. The parent was removed from the home but the child remained so mentally scarred that he killed his small pet, and damaged things around the home. He was around the age of 6.

So yes, one violent incident can be extremely damaging to a child. As can growing up without much interaction from a mentally ill primary caregiver.

I would suggest you consider seeing a counsellor yourself. You must accept that your daughter has suffered a trauma in her life at a critical age and work through the fact that it was you who inflicted this trauma. Don't diminish her feelings - if she doesn't feel heard when she is very vulnerable, the consequences could be tragic.

Too much drip feeding. What were you throwing at her, a soft toy or a saucepan? How long was she left in the garden when you threw her? From where did you "make her walk home"? What time of day was it?

It sounds like you should be discussing the key incident together with her counsellor. You need to agree on exactly what happened and then find a way of moving on from it so she isn't motivated repeatedly to use it against you.

I know we all got slapped etc and had to suck it up, but that isn't the case now and it isn't the culture your daughter has grown up in, so while that is sometimes difficult to understand, it's her reality and must be respected.

Good luck to you both.

for all of you who have suffered at the hands of their parents

Ime what matters is not so much what you did all those years ago but how you deal with it now.

Though I have never deliberately hurt my dd, we both know that some of the things I did when she was little (forcing her to push against pain) has actually caused her long-lasting physical damage.

She forgives me because she feels I am on her side and that any mistake I made (in this case on misguided medical advice) must be a genuine error, not a token of my attitude towards her. But there is no doubt that under different circumstances what she went through could be regarded as physical abuse.

What made the difference was, I think, how I dealt with what had happened. If I had focused on my own need to be exonerated (whether minimising or constantly pushing for forgiveness) she would feel that all I was really interested in was feeling good about myself, not her wellbeing. Instead, I think (hope) that was she has felt has been "I am really sorry about what happened and I wish I could change them, but what I care most about is how things can be better for you NOW".

Most likely you will never know what has caused your dd's MH issues. It could be genetic, it could be part-triggered by the strain of growing up with a mentally unwell parent, it could be something totally different that we don't know about as yet. The things she says may be part-justified or completely irrational (she is, after all, mentally unwell). But what matters most is that she feels that she can access support and that you will not blame her for being mentally unwell.

Maybe the reason she keeps bringing it up is your not really addressing it. I know you want to forget about because it is a bad memory but it but it come as cross as minimising and making excuses. Have you tried just saying 'what I did was awful, I'm deeply sorry. You are intitled to be upset with my appalling actions.' Rather than 'I'm sorry but...it was a one off etc'.