To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

mrskiera

Can you give more context other than "I was unwell" and "it was more than a slap"

There's a difference between getting a smack on the bottom and having your mother batter the living daylights out of you.

I respectfully disagree with another poster who wants to cry if she even raises her voice to her child. Sometimes that is necessary and I don't feel bad for raising my voice.

If she remembers that hit from when she was 6, then yes, would say it could be well to do with what's happening now.

I used to get pasted as a kid, and I can't remember them to the point where I have ever brought it back up to my parents.

OP, I think you are trying to minimise what you did. Your refusal to specify tells me that it was a lot worse than you are letting on.

Does she see your regret? Does she know how much you wish it hadn't never happened? My parents point blank refuse to admit any physical violence happened in my childhood and it has made dealing with it a lot harder than it would have been if they'd showed at least some recognition if not remorse.

I don't think that hitting a child once can cause someone to have lasting mental health issues - but I do think that hitting a child (even just once) is not something that happens in isolation, particularly if it was 'more than just a slap', and that the time you hit her was probably part of a wider pattern of difficulties between the two of you. I don't mean there was a pattern of violence or aggression, but I think that if someone hits a six-year-old in a way that's 'more than just a slap' it really isn't something that just springs from nowhere and that there must have been some major resentment/tension in your relationship that had been simmering for a very long time. If that's the case, that might be something that's had an effect on her, rather than the one time that you actually hit her.

Equally, it might be that your daughter's illness is a result of something entirely different, or simply something that just 'is', with no particular cause.

However, we only have your version of events here and a very truncated version at that, so nobody here can reasonably tell you that your parenting has or hasn't affected her mental health. Without knowing your daughter, the precise nature of her problems and the entire history of your relationship, nobody can correctly say 'Oh, none of this your fault, there there', which I suspect is what you want to hear.

I'm glad your daughter is seeing a counsellor - but I strongly suspect it would help you if you saw one too.

A counsellor wouldn't really say that this one incident caused all your DD's problems, but the more-than-slap was important and if your DD has fixed on it then the counsellor will have encouraged her to talk to you about it. All you can really do is to talk to her honestly about what drove you to do it and how much you regret it. And listen to what your DD says about what she remembers and how it affected her without trying to tell her she's wrong. You need to talk about it to get past it. It may be that to your DD it was the tip of a bigger iceberg, that there are other things wrong that she can't express so clearly to you. So if you are willing to listen to her about this she she may feel more able to open up about the rest.

And I am sorry that your mum used to slap you frequently. That probably didn't give you a very good start or prepare you to cope well with your DD's issues.

It's hard to tell, if it really was a one-off then maybe not (although it could well depend on how much more than a slap it was) but you also say you were unwell? If you also had mental health struggles when she was growing up (which I am NOT blaming you for) then it could have had a knock-on effect.

A one off in the context of an otherwise loving relationship would be less harmful than regular emotional/physical harm.

If you were unwell for a long time that could have effects too.

But it is ultimately unhelpful for her to keep 'blaming' you. She needs help in overcoming any issues in her past or present and learning to live now. it is likely she has a lot going on causing her to be as she is now.

Unless it caused brain damage or something then no she's probably playing on it.

BeingATwat
Sorry northern word for batter her!

You do seem to be minimising what sounds like a significant event.

I would wonder at the quality of parenting provided by someone who did 'more than a slap' to a 6 year old. It may be that her difficulties are caused by her upbringing as a whole, and she blames the violence as something tangible that she can pinpoint. I would imagine there is more to it than that though, I'm struggling to imagine that level of violence occurring randomly in an otherwise happy childhood.

The thing is, none of us can know how a 6 year old might react to physical violence of such ambiguous description. So yes, it matters. She may well be trying it on but it is equally possible that she isn't. It's also possible that she isn't making it up as such but is preoccupied by it because it is something tangible to focus her feelings on. How can we know or make a sensible judgement unless you say what happened?

If you got to the stage where you hit her then I doubt the lead up to it was all hearts and flowers (or afterwards either) so is it likely your DD is remembering quite a lot of long term bad behaviour on your part to her?

Onion

I'm glad your not my mum. So it would be ok to batter a child back and blue but if no brain damage that's ok????? Are u serious????

Being unwell isn't an excuse. I have a host of mental health problems (hospitalised etc) I've never hit my DC.

We all lose our temper sometimes no ones a perfect parent. I'm sorry your mam slapped you about. No I don't think one incident could cause all those issues I'm not a professional though.

You'd need to put things into context.

What is more than a slap. A punch? A really hard whack?

And did this one off incident happen within a more prolonged unhappy time of you being unwell, shouting, generally not being the ideal loving parent?

A slap, no.

Anything more than a slap that didn't receive medical attention, yes.

Particularly if there was a build up to it with lots of harsh emotions, threats, other instances of neglect or emotional abuse.

It would be very rare for a parent who parented well the rest of the time to do "more than a slap", then not seek medical advice, and that be the only instance of poor parenting.

Yes I do. When you are small, dependent and helpless and the one person you need to trust is violent to you it can cause untold damage to your sense of self esteem and safety in the world. Stop making excuses and start burturing your daughter. Take responsibility and support her.

Did the 'more-than slap' come out of the blue? I suspect not, and I also suspect that it is the emblem for all the difficulties of that period.

Now, you don't get to go back and do things differently, but you do get to change things in the future.

What do you high need to move forward to a better and healthier future?

You are minimising what you did to her. It is probably that that is causing her mental distress as much as the abuse itself.

Where the fuck did I say that Gizmo...?

I see. Thank you.