To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

Could it be that the lead up period to that particular incident is what she's really trying to get out but can't articulate? You say you were unwell, diagnosed with bipolar and no other issues since medication. What about the time leading up to the diagnosis? What was life in your house like from your DD's point of view. Perhaps this is what she means, that particular incident' is something that will have very much stuck out in her memory as something tangible to blame it all on.

i am 50 years old. I could tell you every single tiny detail of the "one off " day my mother slapped my face when I was six. Every word she said. What she was wearing. The wallpaper. Everything.

Whether or not that incident actually caused her problems is immaterial. The fact is she believes it did, so she needs help to come to terms with it.

I very much doubt one isolated incident would have caused this. It is extremely unlikely against things being otherwise fine.

Mental health issues often run in families. You mentioned your own bipolar and IMO this is far more likely to be a contributing genetic factor to your dd also having MH issues.

Sometimes counsellors can get it spectacularly wrong. My brother's counsellor has convinced him that his (received) parenting is the source of his problems however the original reason for going to see the counsellor was workplace bullying .

My parents never slapped me but they talked me out of everything. Everything I felt, thought, wanted. They still do it. I was a nervous wreck who couldn't decide if I wanted tea or coffee.

I have also lost it with my dd and slapped her, always for the same reason when she was provoking her brother to get upset and just wouldn't stop. He'd be shrieking and she' d be goading him for fun. Three times I've lost it with her.

She's dancing about the kitchen happily now, doing a zumba workout on youtube and she seems fine.

More fine than I was at her age.

Bullshit did what you describe happen as an isolated incident within a normal loving parent/child relationship.

Bullshit.

My mum beat me one time with a rolling pin when I was 9. It was just the once but was so traumatic it caused me to develop severe anxiety as a teen. I'm positive that without my friends I too might have gotten depressed. Like you my mum also tries to minimize what she did & it has definitely caused a rift to develop. I don't trust her any more.

Sorry for you OP.

I also slapped my child a couple of times. She is also now a mentally ill teen. Slapping children has become less and less acceptable and less common. At the same time the rates of mental illness in children and teens has rocketed. I'm not suggesting there is any connection between these two facts.

My mum slapped all of us at various points in our childhood. It was considered a normal parenting practice when I was growing up. None of us are mentally ill, we all feel loved and are close to her and to each other.

I ask myself all the time what I've done wrong as a parent that my child is so ill. She was totally happy and ok until she hit adolescence but every day since the age of 12 has been hard for her and us. Maybe being slapped that couple of times did affect her in the long term. Who knows. I feel like I have tried very hard to do the right thing and I'm sure you do too. Give yourself a break - we all make mistakes as parents.

No you slapping her once when she was 6 did not cause these issues. We all know that ffs.

I think she's talking about the violence because it represents the way she feels that you often were towards her, with that one act of violence being the pinnacle so it's a good one to talk about.

A counsellor would never say 'no that couldn't have had a serious impact on you' because they would always validate a client's feelings and counsellors know that even apparently trivial incidents can be very significant for an individual. So the counsellor is not necessarily blaming you for what your DD is going through.

Like others, I think it's unlikely that this event came out of nowhere. You talk about hitting her and then changed it to throwing her. Which was it? And what did you throw at her? That sounds dreadful. If that is the kind of parent you are, I can understand that it could have an impact. Though TBH, any kind of parenting has its flaws and can impact an individual somehow.

No, I don't think the incident is the whole story. My dad and my step mother were both very handy with their fists, to an extent they would be jailed in today's climate, from locking me in the kitchen cupboard, to making me stand in the snow all night in my night gown, to gagging and beating me and laughing.

I have no mental health problems as an adult , I have occasional anxiety at work, I've never raised my hand to my daughter , we have a great relationship, and I've been with my husband for 27 years since I was 20, and yes we are still happy. I am the main bread winner and earn a six figure salary. I simply didn't want to be like them and I didn't want my child to endure the same as me. Even as a child I understood it was them and not me. That what they were doing was very wrong.

Would I say I am the whole deal. No, but I don't think one incident of abuse defines a person and neither does multiple years of it. As we grow we make a decision on what we wish to be. I chose to break the cycle.

I would add the overrider that my brother is totally and utterly fucked up, from drugs, to jail, to booze. He didn't come out of it whole, and yes I blame them, not just him, so strength of personality is part of it.

But one incident,,,no, whatever is causing your daughters issues, it's much more than that one incident.

Catty beating certainly isn't normal.

With my stepdad we always used to be on eggshells when eg he did something stressful (usually DIY) as that was a precursor towards him losing his rag and though not hitting us, blowing up at us. He would get so mad he'd jump up and down screaming. Also we had never heard swear words or had many people lose their temper before he moved in when I was 5 or 6.

My best friend remembers being smacked harder than her little sister and realising or not realising that it was because her dad wasn't her real dad but was her sister's real dad, she was hit harder because of that and he told her once in a fit of rage.

A boyfriend of mine a few years ago recalls being beaten black and blue by his mum and dad - not smacked but beaten and he never forgot it or forgave it.

I also think witnessing or getting this treatment as a child "can" make you more likely to do this yourself as you see it's "right" unless you're shown or told otherwise.

One of my other best friends I recall her smacking the living daylights out of her oldest son when he 2-3 upwards, in front of me, upstairs, her younger son certainly didn't bear the brunt as the eldest did. She herself was beaten by her mum and neglected and also violent behaviour from her older brother. It's learned behaviour. She told me years later she felt very guilty for having spanked her oldest son so hard but she thought it was ok and didn't know how to discipline him otherwise.

OP it sounds like things are very difficult for you both. But 10 years does not make everything disappear. As a 40 year old I've spent more time talking about my childhood than ever.

Could you see a positive in that you have the chance to help your daughter now and give her a chance of a happy adult life?

I don't want to start a debate about mental illness but there is not an proven genetic inheritance link. And it is not helpful to think there is where a child needs help.

Yabu. It could have.

You hit a small child who was completely reliant on you, loves you and looked to you for protection. It's a massive deal and will likely have impacted her attachment to you. Read a bit around attachment theory.

OP, I think you have had a very hard time on this thread.

You say in your OP that you know that in the occasion you were violent you were wrong, you have never forgiven yourself and you later told us you were then diagnosed as bipolar.

Does your Dd know that you yourself have MH issues?

The thing is that you are her Mum. Good, 'good enough', 'trying hard' you are the only Mum she has and you are clearly trying to help your dd.

I presume you have told her your treatment on that day was wrong, and you are unreserved sorry?

But the thing is, you can't be strong for her if you are constantly crumbling through self doubt and guilt. Are you getting any help? Talk to your GP.

Any number of things may be going on. Have you talked with your dd about how you felt, growing up with in-dx'd bipolar?

Who knows , she may have inherited MH tendencies, she may be testing you: making accusations to see if she can push you away, the insecurity of the self fulfilling prophecy. 'I'm not lovable and I can prove it because if I do or say this my Mum will desert me'.

I have seen so many people with self harming traits do that.

Your job, of course, is to hold fast, and let her know that nothing she can say or do will shake your unconditional love. She may play out behaviour you don't like but you still love her and will not reject her.

You need to be firm and strong to do this. Be clear about your feelings about the past and then be strong and supportive for the present.

But I do think help for you might help you be strong for her.

Good luck.

I was hit as a child, thrown down the stairs by my dad and my mum will tell you she never knew, when she did. I'm 23 but I bottled it up until I was 14 and it came out via self harm & other destructive manners. I resent them every day for it & it has really affected me in adult life. Be careful that she's not just "pushed it down" over the years and it's all spilling out now because that's what happened with me.

OK. Your daughters MH problems could have been caused by this one incident. It could be a contributing factor. It could have had no effect. But no one will ever know, as there is no way of proving it.

OP My dad once hit me (shoved me when I was 18 and I ended up on the floor, the first and only time in my life) and we have a great relationship. I was just about to leave for uni and emotions were maybe a bit out of whack. He is the perfect example of someone who slipped up once and didn't cause any lasting damage and is really a totally brilliant person. He's one of the most compassionate and sensitive people I know. It just was an inappropriate reaction that one time.

Like other posters have said, it's the wider pattern that counts.
My dad's wider pattern shows that he's a lovely person who had a bad day. I don't know what your pattern is but if that's the only incident then your DD is probably BU on this particular point.

My heart is breaking at some of these stories.

Yes OP, it's your fault - how are you planning to make it better with your child?

One hit doesn't cause mental health problems but it can be a trigger, especially when she is likely to be genetically predisposed. You also talked about the abuse you experienced. I don't know if you've dealt with it but when parents don't address their childhood problems, it can affect their parenting.

I think you need to move away from the blame game and look to start fully supporting her and accepting her.

I can see how the DD could fixate on that incident, in an "if you loved me you wouldn't have done that to me [thrown things and dragged me out of the house]" - representative of the general feeling and a tangible incident to pin her feelings on. But as others have said, you need to focus on supporting her and potentially addressing your own issues through counselling.

You beat up a 6 year old little girl? of course it wasn't your fault.

I don't think one violent incident causes serious mental illness, no. I would try and support your daughter now but don't me too hard on yourself, it was a long time ago.

Mental illness can be due to a number of factors but understanding all the factors is not necessarily the answer to the illness anyway.

Keep loving her.