To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

I doubt one slap caused the damage. But whatever has, needs to be dealt with. Forgive yourself, and allow yourself to deal with it to help your daughter.

I was also given a couple of slaps to the back of the legs when I was young and I am a pretty regular person with a very close relationship with my mum.

I have had counselling in the past when I was struggling on the effects of a chronic health condition and I found the therapists did fixate on my relationship with my parents. I was probably late teens and I guess it was an obvious place to start but because at the time I wasn't prepared to really tell them the real problem was my chronic face flushing, we went all around the houses with my family life and I started to believe my parents were horrible people. It was like she was playing a seed in my head. I've never really trusted counselling since to be honest.

Surely most of us got smacks/slaps/whatever from time to time as a child?

And most of us are fine. I'd say that unless you beat her around the head, no link

I doubt it was one mistake though, I doubt you were a perfect parent 100% of the time minus 1 slap.

She needs you to accept responsibility for this, to hear her feelings of hurt without hiding behind excuses and to validate her feelings you caused by hitting her and by how you parented her.

Ofcourse everyone makes mistakes, its human. But kids need their parents to face up to their mistakes, to accept blame without hiding because of guit. She needs to understand why she feels so worthless, to see that it isn't something she just is, and she needs you to be brave enough to accept that this is who you brought her up to be. You may well have done the best you could, I know it's impossible to be perfect 100% of the time but it isnt her job to valudate your parenting effort. she needs you now to be 100% emotionally present & that means facing up to all mistakes & owning them. Because they may have caused this. They may not have. But either way she needs this from you now & your feelings need put to one side to prioritise hers.

I'd get her a copy of Alice millers drama of being a child also.

I can't answer this question with yes or no.

First of all, what do you mean with "I was unwell"? Were you clinically depressed? Very sick? Drunk?

Context matters.

And what is "more than a slap"?
My DM has sometimes grabbed me by arm (the grip hurt a bit, but there were never bruises or anything) and 'slapped' me. But what she called a slap was actually more like a tap on my back/shoulder when I was extremely naughty. (Think... cutting up an extremely expensive dress [several thousands], drawing on the wall, getting up very early in the morning and deciding to visit our neighbours, without telling my parents etc). I can honestly say that this didn't harm me. Then again, it didn't hurt, there was no chance of head trauma, I wasn't scared etc...

My DM's rants and screaming? Yes, they did scare me. And they affected me. A lot?

If it was just this one slap, if you didn't cause any permanent physical damage and if you weren't physically or emotionally abusive on other instances and didn't neglect her? No, I don't think that one slap is the reason for all this.

She says it was more than a slap, going so far as to qualify that daughter didn't need medical attention. So tbh equating it with a smack or a slap on the back of leg like many children endured is horribly minimising.

I haven't read nearly half of the replies there's so many and I am reading through now.

I was regularly hit throughout my childhood and my father regularly hit me round the head when I was a teenager. My mother only stopped hitting me when I hit her back.

From that framework of having been hit regularly and knowing that it did affect me, I think it is unlikely that a single lapse - even if wrong and frightening for a child - would be the sole cause of a teenager's mental ill health.

What's important is the overall framework of a child knowing that she's cared for and seeing that the adults in their life are doing their best to provide secure, loving boundaries.

Our dad used to hit us if he lost his temper. It was more than a slap. I do not forget nor do I forgive it.
I don't know if your daughter's issues were caused by this incident, but if it's still troubling her ten years down the line then I'd say it may have been a contributing factor.

you were unwell, so it makes sense that she is also unwell.
did you have help op?

sounds like you both need help and guidance

sounds like a cycle of abuse op? with your mother and then you

Tbh, my mum had lots of mental health problems when I was growing up. She hit us with implements, threw objects at us, banged our heads together, even drew knives on occasion. She really wasn't very well. It hasn't caused me lasting mental health problems at all. It's possible though, that if you had asked me at 16 whether I thought it would do, I would have said yes. Teenagers don't always have the most long-term perspective. I think you have to continue to be patient with her, make sure she is getting the help she needs and try to forgive yourself. You may never know exactly how what you did affected her. All you can do is tell her you regret it and you love her.

I take it you apologised sincerely and in a heartfelt manner at the time and perhaps since. As long as this is the case, I think I would go along the lines of. "If I could take back how I acted, I would. As I have learnt better, I do better". There's no judgment of your behaviour then or hers now and an acceptance of her feelings. Fighting against her won't do anything for your relationship with dd and certainly won't help her mental health.

My dad slapped me once in complete and utter frustration. Not a problem, he was kind and caring aside from that.

My mum had MH issues. She never slapped me but psychologically beat me down in a million other ways. If she had hit me it would have left a deeper mark because of the context of our otherwise difficult relationship.

I don't know if I could have articulated the subtle ways she hurt me when I was younger. I might have "seen" physical stuff easier. If your relationship is strained and she's trying to put a voice to it, maybe the "hitting" is the one tangible she can come up with but there's something else - please listen.

Stop looking at it all as guilt tripping and "blame" etc and start analysing things properly and building a better relationship with your daughter from here on in.

Take up counselling too, definitely, for your own sake, no matter what the "truth" of the hitting incident is. It could help you understand the process she's going through too.

Ok I got the odd smack bottom off my mum or stepdad when I was a child, you forget those.

What I remember as being nasty was a slap round the face by my stepdad I was 8 or 9 and had answered back. It happened in front of my mum and he had to apologise!

When my brother was 8 or 9 and I was 10 or 11 my brother got a bad (violent and prolonged) spanking from my stepdad for teasing me and not stopping (brother did this a lot). I recall hearing this and being very guilty and upset over it. My brother has never said if he's affected by it but he never teased me from that day forward.

My stepdad used to hit (not regularly) without my mum knowing and she says if she'd known it was happening she'd have stopped it, he also feels he was too young to be a parent as he met my mum at 23 and she was 10 years older. He had a violent temper mostly getting very angry not hitting but violent behaviour. That in a way is worse than hitting as its loss of self control.

I'm not sure it could lead to mental health issues but memories are memories.

The problem really lies with what else was happening at the time. You say you were very unwell, was she also emotionally/verbally hurt as this can have far reaching consequences. I'm not saying for one minute that you purposefully hurt your daughter in this way but if she grew up in an environment where she was scared, shouted at, emotionally neglected then yes, I'd say that could leave her very emotionally unstable.

Without the context of what "more than just a slap" means and the details of your illness it's impossible to know. I'm guessing there was a sustained period where you were ill and not coping and things were going on other that the violent incident.

If it was hitting accompanied by you screaming and shouting and being out of control then I can imagine that was a very frightening event for your daughter and yes can believe the effects were long lasting.

Just out of curiosity did anyone else know about the incident? Was it down played by you at the time to stop your daughter telling people about it? How much did it get talked about after?

My mother only slapped me a couple of times, and I am still mentally unwell. (depression). That doesn't have to mean it is unrelated, though.

Sensitive children can react severely to that kind of behaviour, and as others have pointed out, the psychological situation that lead to you hitting her in the first place most likely caused some damage.

You can't change the past, now, but you can acknowledge that you are part of the problem and get psychotherapy for your own issues.

The fact that your daughter is angry at you for hitting her is a good thing. Be proud that you managed to raise a daughter who is aware that hitting children is wrong and will cause damage ... you say your own mother slapped you frequently ... yeah, well, apparently it made you a person who couldn't stop herself from hitting a child even though you knew it was wrong. While that is obviously better for your survival than severe depression, it doesn't exactly make you a happy and healthy person.

Most of the people who say that being hit as children didn't damage them at all, hit their own children. So there is that.

Oh and op buy yourself a copy of non violent communication to help yourself with talking to her now. I'm not suggesting you communicate violently BTW, it's a really useful book to help with interpersonal relationshiPs & could help you get through to her more effectively & express what you need to say without getting her back up or leaving either of you walking on eggshells.

I grabbed her arm and threw her into the garden. Yes she did have some bruises. There you go. I do honestly feel awful about it.

I think it's important to know why you did that.

What did you mean when you said that you were unwell?

Picked her up and threw her or just shoved her out?

More than a slap? So a slap and then you threw her out?

no counsellor should be saying that if its even true

you wont know though as its confidential

i really dont think once incident would do that and shes just trying to make u feel bad

But what was your general day-to-day relationship like? Was it one inexplicable shriek and attack out of nowhere? What caused it?