To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

Well. I think many, many people have done worse than that to be perfectly honest. I am not saying you should say this to her because I don't think it would help, but I doubt that single incident is to blame for her suicidal impulses. Your job as her mum is to support her through whatever is causing her problems.

I have had counselling in the past when I was struggling on the effects of a chronic health condition and I found the therapists did fixate on my relationship with my parents. I was probably late teens and I guess it was an obvious place to start but because at the time I wasn't prepared to really tell them the real problem was my chronic face flushing, we went all around the houses with my family life and I started to believe my parents were horrible people. It was like she was playing a seed in my head. I've never really trusted counselling since to be honest.

How good is your dd's counsellor? Fixating on childhood parenting seems to be the obvious route for a counsellor to take but to a troubled teen is like preaching to the converted. Exploring childhood experiences even if without judgment has the unintentional effect of validating negative aspects of it and magnifying their supposed effect for someone looking for something to blame.

I think its highly unlikely to have caused all this and encouraging her to use it as a stick to beat you with is unfair and uncalled for what kind of councillor would do this? Did there qualification come out of a cracker?

I don't think you should be flamed for grabbing her and throwing her into the garden in anger. You did sound monetarily out of control. I'm assuming you didn't lift her up and throw her like a frisbee with the intention of causing maximum hurt.

Grabbing her arm and throwing her in the garden isn't hitting or more than a slap - that's different. So I wonder what happened.

Anyway, details are kind of irrelevant. I assume you've repeatedly said to your dd that you know you were wrong and there was no excuse (there isn't even if you're ill). Every time she mentions it. You have to accept responsibility and really mean it.

The fact that you didn't want to come out with it means she's been guilt tripping you about it for years. Is she manipulative?

I'm surprised by the counsellors statements, it doesn't sound like she had a head injury. And a one time incident causing all this...? I don't know. But was it really a one time I disentangle or were there other incidents? Like... maybe a lot of screaming? Lying in bed all day? Belittling her? Going through her things?

But still, OP, why? Were you drunk? Sick? Very troubled (maybe for financial reasons? A divorce)?

I was slapped when little. First time I remember being 5 or 6, I remember the last time too. Don't remember the slaps in between but I am sure there were plenty.
What I have never forgotten is the belittling, emotional abuse, insults, looks. At the age of 10 I really wanted to die, I remember looking at knives in the kitchen drawer. I often wished my mum would die so I could live with other members of the family.
The damage to my self esteem is more than obvious and at 20 I read a book that made me realise it wasn't my fault. Neither my mums. I looked at her differently and I healed a good bit. She passed away and I am still managing my issues every day. But I loved her when she died.
I have a DD, my granmotger is very impressed at how good she is without me even shouting. Now, I do shout and loose my temper but if I am out of order I always always apologise. If she has been very naughty I won't apologise, but I will explain why I am so mad.
She is such s happy kid that makes me cry as I never had that.
Anyway I just hope all I've written helps you understand the relationship between you and your daughter.

I was diagnosed with bipolar but was put on meds and have been fine. It was a one off.

Mental health can run in family's. I have no-polar my mam and gran have depression and my great granny was in bedlam.

Has she been assessed for bi-polar?

If it helps any I took my son outside in his underpants he was attacking me and refusing to get dressed to go to school I was pregnant sick as a dog and fucked off I took him outside saying I was taking him in his pants he was upset as hell by this

We all have our not proud moments I doubt if he remembers it now he certainly does not raise it ever

yes it could be. something similar happened to me and it stuck.

The hitting was a one off, ok. What about other things like shouting, insults, belittling? Did you ever make her feel worthless?

Well she was running away in the house so I was throwing stuff at her, until I got her and threw her out, yes threw and she was only little. I don't really want to go into it I know it was bad and it was but it was just a one off

Hmmm. I think 16 is a very difficult age. At 16 I was still very angry with my mum for having mental illness. I felt she had somehow opted out of my childhood. As an adult now I know that sounds absolutely dreadful but being the child of someone with a mental illness is very hard, you have to grow up far too quickly really. I wonder if she is feeling angry and focusing on the one incident as a manifestation of that?

I'm still a bit confused to be honest.

MrsKieraJ

Ok.
Look, her childhood may have something to do with her issues, but I highly doubt it's because of this one incident.

I also believe that you have to learn to forgive yourself. You seem to really regerer it. And after truly regretting it one can work towards forgiveness. It doesn't seem like she's in a place to do that just now, but it seems like it's something you need to do for yourself. Currently it's very easy for her to manipulate you. Which isn't good for her wellbeing in the long run.

Nobody is perfect.

And her counsellor sounds potentially incompetent. I've had good and pretty horrible experiences with counsellors. I don't like the sound of hers...

OK. So, if that is all the incident was, add in a bit of shouting and glaring, then you and your DD have got yourselves caught up in a really unhealthy relationship. Both of you need to access help.

Your posting about this has been odd, as though there was so very much more involved... you obviously have a skewed idea of what happened, whether you passed that to your DD or she has passed it to you, I doubt it matters.

What does matter is that both of you get support.

You still not telling us how is your relationship with her apart from that incident.

I honestly do not see how that is worse than a slap.

You shoved her outside for a reason - that doesn't mean it was ok you did it but you realised it was wrong and apologised.

It sounds like you've spent 10 years beating yourself up over it and perhaps trying to compensate for having bipolar and moments of struggling with parenting? It also from your posts sounds like your DD has been blaming you for this for 10 years and this isn't a new thing?

So what's changed with you that you suddenly don't believe it's the route of all her difficulties? I'm not suggesting it is because as others point out many children got regularly punished physically and have no long term effects.

Physical punishment is never ok - but it does happen and people do move on from it. Doesn't sound like either you or DD have.

Btw, forgiving yourself doesn't mean assuming your behaviour (not just this once, but during her whole childhood) has nothing to do with the state she's in.

Good job you lot weren't brought up in the 60s/70s then. My mum and dad used to belt the hell out of us. We were also caned or had a wack with a ruler at school. I think we all turned out ok!

That sounds very frightening. You were definitely very much out of control. I can imagine this even having long term effects. I also think it was probably more than just this event. Perhaps you weren't aware of your behaviour before the meds.

I think the issue here is emotional and not physical.
When you both see that, you will be able to start making amends.

Catty - do you really think that's the same as chasing a 7yo round the house, throwing things at her and screaming at her, then finally slapping her and physically throwing her out of the house?

The slap was the least of it. And if it was a one off then no wonder she remembers it and feels awful about it.