To think me hitting her 10 years ago hasn't caused this?

[MrsKieraJ]

Hi. But unsure if I should ask this. I'll probably be slated!

Anyway I've grown a thick skin for this.

My daughter is 16, she is very mentally unwell. Lots of suicide threats and thoughts, 1 attempt. Self harms most days, has been in hospital for stitches etc. Still seeing CAMHS and I try and get her to therapy etc. She sees a few different people. When she was about 6 I did hit her, it was more than a slap too and I have never forgiven myself I fully admit I was in the wrong and am not pretending it was nothing as it was a massive deal, but everytime she has ever done anything wrong, she's always said "I'm not a perfect child, like you're not a perfect mum because you hit me" and I hear it every single day. Her counsellor has just encouraged her by telling her that it could have caused all her issues. Be honest, do you seriously think that's likely? Surely many mums have lost their temper at some point. I'm sure all of those didn't develop such severe mental health problems. I remember my mum used to slap me very frequently!!

No. A couple of generations ago it was perfectly normal for parents to hit their children. If they'd all developed serious mental health problems as a result there would be very few sane people left. However you both clearly need better help than you seem to be getting.

Are you the one that has reminded her of the incident or was it really bad so that she can't forget?

I was hit once as a child, I was probably pre-school. I haven't forgotten it (without being reminded) because it was unjustified and I refused to cry (which made it worse). I would say it has caused me a lot of problems mentally, so yes, I would say it has caused it.

I've just reread my post and nowhere did I say that it was okay to batter a child.

I think you are minimising what you did to her.
How would you have reacted if someone else had done to her what you did?
You don't seem to be very remorseful

It probably wasn't the one incident that has caused all her problems but I can't imagine life with a parent who was 'unwell' and hit her was a bed of roses for your DD. Sometimes in counselling sessions you feel the need to 'justify' behaviours or feelings and can focus on one incident when the reality is it could be a multiple of different incidents/feelings/experiences etc which are affecting you.

Interesting that you aren't asking about how you could help your DD to get over what you did.

You are only seeking validation that it can't be your fault she is unwell.

Your whole tone leads me to think that you probably are a significant cause of her problems. One symptom being the time you did something so bad you can't even state it here to strangers.

I would say that a person that is meant to love and protect a 6 year old beating them instead could cause a lot of issues yes even if it was only once.

No, I don't think this one time could have caused the problem. There's more where it came from. You say you were unwell at the time. Mentally, physically, family problems? And there's no shame in admitting we're not perfect, not even to our own children.

We're all different though, aren't we? What causes or contributes to mental health difficulties in one person will not necessarily do so in another.

I was smacked regularly as a child and have never had any mental health issues. And to be honest, I think that smacking (lightly, occasionally) as a punishment, within a generally caring environment, is unlikely to cause long-lasting issues (I don't do it to my DD, before anyone asks).

But smacking, or especially "more than a slap" - which I would say implies anger rather than measured punishment - is, imo, likely to be a sign of a not-so-great relationship, which certainly could lead to emotional issues throughout the child's life.

A couple of generations ago it was perfectly normal for parents to hit their children. If they'd all developed serious mental health problems as a result there would be very few sane people left.

Plenty of people have mental health issues that are partly tied to abuse they suffered as children. Just because all of these people aren't necessarily dealing with those issues or advertising them, doesn't mean they aren't there.

Your comment also ignores the fact that a case of corporal punishment (or straight-up physical abuse) that gets past the stigma barrier that mostly exists these days is likely to be one of the more extreme and traumatic examples of what would have happened a couple of generations ago, and would likely have been extreme and traumatic back then too.

MrsKieraJ - you do sound remorseful and it might be that we are imagining things far worse than actually happened.

Unless you explain properly what happened it is difficult to make any judgment.

You do sound like an awful person.
Not necessarily for the snapping a decade ago, but for the fact you're trying to downplay the effect its had on her.
Poor girl.

As Argy said.

Ignore the 'disgusteds' you need practical help, not further character assassinations.

Are you in counselling too, MrsK ? Did you hear your DDs counsellor tell her you were the cause of her issues or is that what your DD reported back?

You need to discuss with a professional how you are supposed to help your DD, especially as she has focussed on this incident. If she cannot process it she can't get passed it.

Could you access that sort of help?

Agree with Argy. When I was growing up smacking was the only discipline known. You did wrong. You just got a smack. That's not to say I find smacking/slapping okay, however,
My goodness you should have seen the hidings I used to get.

Why does it matter?

If she says so and you say "no it didn't" then that's symptomatic of ongoing problems.

If she says so and you say "I feel so bad about that but a single incident can't do that" then that's different. Parental guilt protects children from poor self-esteem (felt/expressed guilt, not martyrdom or guilt tripping).

I'm sorry things are hard for you both. It's worth bearing in mind the strong genetic link for certain MH conditions - she was always at higher risk simply because she has your genes. That's not a question of blame, just science.

She may feel that her problems trace back to that single incident. The counsellor is bound to back her up at least a bit, because counselling is all about exploring and validating your feelings.

Have you had therapy recently? Your OP reads as though you're more interested in assigning or rejecting blame than moving forwards together. You are the adult so you need to take the lead. She might need you to acknowledge and say that she had a hard childhood when you were ill - again that's not about blame or guilt but acknowledging the feelings of a 6- or 7yo.

I was smacked as a child if I misbehaved.. it has left me with no lasting damage. Like other posters have said though, your post is quite confusing. You have not explained the lead up to the incident or what you actually did so it's very hard to comment.

Caused all her issues? Doesn't seem all that likely, unless she was maybe someone already prone to MH issues... In which case it's still not solely that one incident. The magnitude of the effect on her is not related to what kind of a person you are or were, but to that incident and your daughter's feelings.

But I'm also assuming that you're hearing this from your daughter rather than directly from the counsellor, so it might not be exactly what the counsellor is saying.

Either way, maybe some family counselling sessions with both of you might help. But I think you need to go into them resolved not to defend yourself or to argue about proportionate responses, but to listen and understand and support. I'd want to defend myself too, but right now that really won't help your daughter or your relationship with her.

from the attitude in the only two posts you've made, I would say that there is likely to be more from you than just this one incident that contributed to your DDs poor mental health. Not necessarily violence.

My DP's mum used to hit my DP and his siblings. With shoes, hands.. She also made them bite soap. He doesn't seem bothered by it but I have a hard time dealing with it and it didn't even happen to me, nor did I see it. I sat him down when I was pregnant and told him we would not be using those methods of discipline and nor would his parents if they looked after DD.

My point is, things have different impacts on people. So the people saying it wouldn't have caused the DD issues can only say it didn't cause issues for them. The DD seems to be emotionally scarred by it.

What led to the violent incident? Did you lose your temper due to your MH or was she a difficult child and you lost your temper because you felt overwhelmed in dealing with it?

Any significant event in someone's life can have long term effects. So much yes this could have effected her.

It sounds like it was never fully dealt with 10 years ago if she's used it as a way of misbehaving since and fighting fair punishment.

Also from what I know do sellers can't tell parleys what's discussed - so I'm assuming the counsellor blaming you has come from DD? I wonder if it would be worth while asking about family therapy - but it will only work if you accept your actions may be the route cause and dd is willing to work through it and stop mentioning it everytime she disagrees with you.

Yep, plenty of people my age walking around with issues surrounding the way we were beaten as children.

I believe any smacking is wrong. However there is a world of difference between one isolated incident that happened due to huge stress and you apologised for profusely afterwards and a regular heavy handed violent household. Which was it?

If it was the one incident and you have apologised and talked about it in context then I think it can be possible to move on from it (I am the adult child in a similar situation - my mum was schizophrenic and had many episodes during my childhood but we are close now).

I think your daughter is clearly working through her feelings about things and sometimes it does take time to come to the other side.

It's possible that there was an unstable/ anxious emotional environment generally throughout her childhood. That, coupled with this traumatic event, could certainly account for her present problems.

Please don't belittle them. I understand it might be hard for you to hear but she needs her feelings to be validated.

If this is doing divulge for you, perhaps access your own support.