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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 10/11/2016 22:53

Why does he take them to uni every day?

PickAChew · 10/11/2016 22:55

Well, you did choose a DP who had kids...

But whyTF are his ADULT children not more independent? It's not like they need to be taken to primary school.

Heratnumber7 · 10/11/2016 22:56

They probably like having him at home because it feels like they are a "proper family" again.

I'm not sure what you can do tnough.

Rainydayspending · 10/11/2016 22:59

"Normally" at that age they'd be looking to move out soon, so the problem that you have should be short lived. But normally at that age in life you don't need a lift everyday.
Why did one live with you then leave?

kerryob · 10/11/2016 22:59

Every morning is a lot, that's pretty much every day then! How much time does he spend at home with you? What happens if you need him in the morning?

If they're at uni surely they're old enough to get themselves in!

Rainydayspending · 10/11/2016 23:00

Heratnumber7 could you define proper family, because that sounds a seriously messed up line of thinking.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:02

They are quite stay at home types, I think they are living at their Mums for a few years yet. And yes I do think that they should be more independent. However I kind of keep those views to myself as DP and his ExW go a bit bananas about any outside views!

Also, I suppose, each family to their own. The only thing is, we are now an extended family. They have a half sister. I've cared for one of them full time for 4 years. And DP is my partner, not their mums! It just feels like it is going backwards!

OP posts:
GardenGeek · 10/11/2016 23:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:06

There was some bad feeling from the daughter who left towards me. I wonder if I'm being 'punished' as it were? I was pretty upset, but couldn't express it to anyone. I know it must be difficult having a step mum, but we got along fine at first, but I took each daughter separately on a weekend, and took the other one first, so the other one got resentful! She started to ignore me and her half sister, then one day I asked her to say hello at least to her half sister and she got angry, said that 'I wasn't her mother and couldn't tell her what to do'. And then moved back with her Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:09

Yes, not only computers fixed, but the daughter who used to live with us, has all her Uni books bought for her by DP, phones him to get lifts for her boyfriend, gets her Mum to wash all her clothes and cook, and has never, ever worked. The other daughter is at least working towards independence, has a part-time job, sorts out her own books. Both of them treat DP as a taxi, cash point, and PA.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:11

kerryob I don't see him that much, he works until 7.30pm, (and often picks up daughters! Or pops around on an 'errand') - and I don't drive.

OP posts:
Duck90 · 10/11/2016 23:13

Does he prefer being in the role of father to older children? How old is the child you have together. Maybe you are going backwards, what age were the older 2 when he and his ex broke up?

BestZebbie · 10/11/2016 23:15

If the kids weren't there, then you'd have more grounds for YANBU. As it is, he is going to see them, they take priority.
Surely his Ex must be a bit sick of having him constantly hanging around in her space as well, though?

GardenGeek · 10/11/2016 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:19

duck his kids were around 10 when they broke up. Our child is 3. I'm not the OW or younger than him.

His ExW loves having him around, she still thinks of him in a husband role. She texts him daily. Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:22

gardengeek Thanks for that, cheered me up the flowers Smile. Interesting point that there might be an awareness from ExW/Kids or both that this would be difficult for me and DPs relationship. I feel quite excluded too myself, I did spend a few years with the daughters.

OP posts:
Duck90 · 10/11/2016 23:23

Sun. Sorry I wasn't thinking you were the ow.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:26

duck oh sorry too I actually didn't mean it at you. I was just adding just in case, as if OW that can affect how a family feels.

OP posts:
GreatFuckability · 10/11/2016 23:29

My ex and I speak frequently about our children, but not about anything else, I know his girlfriend doesn't like it, but frankly my kids and their needs come first. If you didn't like the level of contact, why have a child with him?

Rainydayspending · 10/11/2016 23:29

You're not my mum comments are fairly straightforward, lazy outlet for teenage grumps really.
How did your partner deal with those comments?
My 10 (and my 8 year old, but she's never said that) year old knows her stepdad might not be her dad but is a responsible adult interested in her welfare and supporting her therefore, yes, he can provide her with guidance and enforce rules.

Mummyme1987 · 10/11/2016 23:30

Wtf? That's stupid. It's like the first family is more important.

Mummyme1987 · 10/11/2016 23:31

If they were small but they are adults! Surely it's just not necessary.

perditalost · 10/11/2016 23:33

has all her Uni books bought for her by DP

that is pretty usual. But amazon account and sent to their house.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 10/11/2016 23:34

If he likes taking them to uni and all that stuff I'm not sure why it should be an issue.

He's not going to have many more years when they will be that interested in him in the current dad role

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 10/11/2016 23:36

But why does it always have to be there?

Because they don't want to come to yours. You said it yourself.

They do sound like they're taking the piss, with all the demands. But if your husband is happy enough to do it...