To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

I wouldn't want this to be honest. He is treating them like 12 year olds for a start and his ex wife will know exactly what she is doing. That's why I would never go out with a man who has family at dependent age because this sort of thing can happen.

It sounds to an extent as though he is avoiding his home responsibilities to you and his younger daughter. Obviously it is important that he has a good relationship with his elder two but not at the expense of his relationships at home. It sounds like he spends more of his available time with his ex and daughters than his wife and 3 year old. Perhaps because 3 year olds with SN are harder work? Perhaps his ex makes him comfortable with food, drink and TV

Either way, time for words.

This would drive me crazy, OP, it all sounds very manipulative with you and your DP the loser.

Your DD, sorry!

Yep. Yanbu. He's out if order. I would feel very hurt and excluded at his behaviour. His young DD and you need him more right now.

Tbh I can't bring myself to blame the daughters at all. Yes, they are being a bit lazy but in their eyes, their dad is happy to do stuff for them, always has been, so they know no different.

It's nicer to get a lift than get a bus. It's great that your dad can fix your computer (for all those saying younger people know more, not necessarily true, I'm 22 and a bit clueless fixing computers. Using is a different story.) and even better that you don't have to go out of your way and he'll come to you and help. They need a lift, they know he'll do it.

With regards to still living at home, that isn't unusual at all. Same goes for your parents buying textbooks, not quite so common but still not strange by any stretch.

The issue is completely with your OH. As for not wanting 'direct' words with him, pull yourself together, you are an adult and that is how you solve issues (or indeed how you realise they cannot be resolved)

TBH the issue here appears to be that he goes to the ex's house. Reality is that if the DD's lived with him dropping them at uni wouldn't necessarily be seen as wrong. Car insurance for under 25's is prohibitively expensive, and these DD's may not be in a position to drive.

Yes perhaps they are spoilt, or indulged, or perhaps he's supportive, or a combination of the two. my sister rings my dad to fix her car, her plumbing, pick up her kids, and she's 45. But why shouldn't he?

And clearly you don't get on with them, and it shows in your posts e.g. You refer to your DD as their "half sister," why not their sister? It makes a very definite statement by doing that, and I'm not surprised they resent you. And TBH if they see your DD once a week when he drops the eldest at work then they do see her. I wouldn't expect 20 somethings to care about spending much more time with a three year old than that.

My ex and I speak frequently about our children, but not about anything else, I know his girlfriend doesn't like it, but frankly my kids and their needs come first.

This. Ex and I split up 10 years ago but have always spoken regularly about DC. My DC are both at uni. Their DF buys their books - I don't think that's unusual. When they are home, they ring him him for lifts back from parties or the pub. He helps them out in all sorts of practical ways because he is their DF and that's what fathers do. He and I got divorced which doesn't mean that he divorced the DC and because of them, he and I are connected. None of us are trying to get one over his new DP. TBH, she barely enters my thoughts and the DC have a polite but distant relationship with her despite knowing her for many years.

How is your relationship with DP when you are together? Do you want to be with him and does he want to be with you? If you are looking after your DD alone for 12 hours a day I don't think it's fair for DP to be out so much in the evenings. My favourite time of day is 7-7.30 pm when DH is bathing dcs and I am cleaning up the kitchen on my own (sad I know)

whther or not she likes them is irrelevant

hes going out before he sees his own dc to take two adults to uni then goes out in the evenin still not seeing his young dc

if theres a bus they should get it at least a few times a week as compromise

u need to talk to him about this situation

I did have a chat with DP late last night, he just lost it. He said that I was putting a barrier between him, his ExW and his kids. He said that I was trying to make out it was weird or wrong. He said he only spoke with ExW once a month. I know that isn't true.

I tried to reason with him, and say that I realized giving them lifts/fixing computers was important to him. I said that it was the amount of time going to ExWs house, that it tested my tolerance and was a little uncomfortable.

You refer to your DD as their "half sister," why not their sister? It makes a very definite statement by doing that, and I'm not surprised they resent you. Bit harsh! I refer to DD on mumsnet as half sister for clarity, I've never referred her to them as anything but their sister. But yes, quite sad they having nothing to do with her, their choice entirely.

But they're in their twenties and she's only three. If they lived with you they likely still wouldn't have much to do with her. That's just normal.

What would happen if you had to go out/work at, say, 5.30pm?
Would DP step up and care for his DD? Or would you be expected to sort some other childcare out as he'd still insist on spending more time with his adult daughters?

It sounds like his primary relationship is still with his first family. He doesn't seem to put your daughter very high up his list of priorities at all.

So it's entirely normal for DSDs to see DP daily in their mother's house, but not normal or expected to see DP in his house, or see their sister (I'm not sure I'd count sitting next to her in a car), or their step mother ever.

Does he not just genuinely like doing things for his children. Me and dh are together but I know if we were apart he would do anything for our girls. He likes doing stuff for them. He runs around after his (elderly) mum too, that's just the kind of man he is. Dont see why so many people are slating this bloke on here.

So now he is lying about their contact and has no regard for your opinion He needs to accept that you need to have a sensible conversation about it, not sure how he thinks he can just shut you up when it is a worry you have about your relationship. How can you move forward with resentment there?

I think a key thing here is you learning to drive and gaining your own independence so you aren't the one "left at home" and left out.

Then you could say you need the car for the day and drop DP off at work ad girls could either make their own way to Uni or get a lift from you. Same for the evening/weekend things.

To me it seems like your DP likes having people dependant on him. It's nice to offer and receive lifts from time to time and I can see why he'd maybe want to help out especially on dark nights and poor weather. But at the moment, you and your DD are just on his list of tasks and seem to be at the bottom.

I also didn't think that you'd need to be in Uni for half 8 every single day? Don't you have lectures at different times of the day and then do self study at home or in the Uni, do they both have lectures first thing every day of the week?

I think you are right to be concerned op and yanbu. It sounds like your DP does not want to be at home with you & DD and I am afraid he should be prioritising a 3 year old DD over adults. -I say this as an ex wife and a current wife and a mum to a uni age DS from 1st marriage and to younger DD & DS. It sounds like you have been putting up with being way down the list of priorities for too long and maybe reached the stage that you need to consider ending it?

They are the age where contact arangements tend to drop off why exactly shouldn't he see them day to day if that is what they are all happy with.

Ofcourse his ex is going to be there it's her home as well.

Perhaps his kids are not very fond of you, they dont have to be just because he is

So sorry OP, sounds as though he see's his first family as his 'primary' and has left his DD with you out of it. You might find that gets better as she gets older of course, I know many parents who find the baby/toddler stage difficult for instance.

I wouldn't take issue with any amount of running around except that it is to the detriment of 1 of his 3 children - fair enough if everyone is equal but he is not contributing to raising her in favour of babying 2 grown women.

so hes lieing to your face about contact with his ex

not looking good is it-and yes your trying to put a barrier betwen him and his ex they have nothng to do with each other anymore his kids are adults-he shoujldnt be goin into his ex's house for visits

Seeing his adult kids is fine, but he has a three year old at home with special needs. He can't just ignore her and focus all his time and attention on two grown ups!