To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

[Sunflowerspread]

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

holiday op partner life revolves around ferrying around his adult dds, so much so, that it is affecting op relationship with him and the relationship with his dd, that is not on. His reaction when op tried to reasonably talk to him was way off.

Tbh why don't you learn how to maintain your own car, as a grown adult. Your dad is not always going to do it for you!

I feel incredibly sorry for you. Your DP is being an arse.

His DD's sound like they need to grow up and stop expecting him to dance to their tune. He should be saying that they should come over to yours, invite them over for dinner one night or weekend. But instead he's doing everything they expect/demand and that's really not healthy.

FWIW my dp's DD (who is younger at 13) also stopped coming here and is refusing to see her dad at our house. She's also refusing to talk to him. When he asked her why she said it was too stressful. No reason given, no explanation. Dp blamed me. I really resented that and asked why it was my fault because the last two visits, the only issues were his DD demanding to go on sleepovers, demanding to eat out and accusing me of stealing her belongings. Dp said no to the sleepover (she was only with us for two nights) and said no to her eating out. He also told her to stop accusing me of stealing her stuff. It's basically that after years of being a Disney dad he actually parented her and she didn't like it. The result is she refuses to see him but in the wider family (his ex and her extended family) I get the blame.

His oldest DD is lovely, visits us here with her bf and doesn't expect anything from us. My 18 year old starts uni in the new year. She's worked, saved up and bought a car, is taking driving lessons and dp is going out with her in the evenings for extra practice.

If you don't instill a sense of independence in young people then they will never be able to make decisions or stand on their own two feet.

Your situation won't change. It will get worse unless he changes his attitude.

There is no justification on this earth, regardless of argument or whatever, for leaving your partner at home alone with your child without letting them know that you are safe and when you will be home. He is an immature arsehole OP. I'd bolt the door/shove a chair under the handle in case he thinks he is actually coming home tonight and then go to bed.

Tomorrow is a fresh day and I'd certainly give him an opportunity to explain himself but I'd be calling him out on his behaviour.

Is he trying to avoid looking after your DD? Maybe it is easier to give his adult children a lift than having to deal with the needs of a daughter who is still actually a child? Does he pull his weight with her and do his fair share generally or does more childcare fall to you?

This is actually not really about your DSDs. This is about your DP and your relationship. Your DPs reaction to your raising your concerns is actually a greater problem. He sulks when asked to make some changes and isn't honest with you. You don't trust him (perhaps with good reason?) and resent the amount of time he spends with your DSDs/with his ex-wife. Do you suspect there is more than just friendship between them?

Your DP has every right to have a relationship and spend time with his daughter's from 1st marriage, even if they are adults. If that is giving them lifts etc, and they are all happy with that (even if it not what others would do) I'd say it's fine. It's not "contact", it's part of a parental relationship. I don't think you can dictate that they can't meet at their home (and ex-wife's home) or that they must spend time in your home though- I'm guessing they don't want to be there and prefer to spend time at home. They aren't obliged to have anything but a polite relationship with their SM. Telling him that he can only see his adult children if they come to his house more often isn't really on.

Also, he does have a life-long link to his ex-wife through their children and he is entitled to maintain a friendly relationship. He should be honest about that though and not hide it from you. He should also not be running round to do her DIY and so on, I can see why that would be irritating.

aero I do - it was just something he liked to do to help out. It was only ever done on rare trips home. Just making the point that just because kids are older it doesn't automatically mean parents don't want to help. He passed away last year anyway, so rest assured I am fully independent!

Sunflower

Sounds like he's sulking about you rumbling his avoidance tactics.

He was probably the same with his ex when he was with her. Avoidance, grass is greener, shirking his actual responsibilities, and making life difficult for other people because he hasn't got any integrity himself. Now he's not with her, he wants to pop over and hang out because it's easier than looking after a small child and being an actual parent himself.
Sorry OP I agree with Aero; this is at a crossroads. I have been in a similar situation and I stayed with him and tbh it has had a negative impact on me.
He is a cunt for disappearing tonight too.

OP what I'm trying to say is that he seems emotionally unavailable, and that is a character trait, rather than a battle between his ex and you, or kids and you. But it's to his (subconscious probably) advantage if he sets it up as a battle between other people (you vs ex or DDs), as then he doesn't have to take any responsibility for his part in it.

Thanks for the responses. He's still not back. .

I don't want to continue like this and am starting to wonder what is in it for me. I don't want to be 'pitted' against an ExW or DSDs - or have to battle for a relationship - or have to feel that DP will just jump at whatever his DSDs ask for - whether that works for US as a family or not. At the end of the day, me and DP should be a team surely?

charly I take your point, but DP was super responsible with his ExW, she even said recently that he was 'the best Ex husband ever' - it was part of the reason their marriage worked but also why it failed - he loved being needed as even ExW would be childlike - he had to do everything - washing, housework, childcare the minute he got back - it kind of washed him out. He said once he felt wrung out and scared he couldn't do it all again. And yet he can't tell ExW to take kids to Uni herself without giving in because she literally screamed at him. Maybe I should scream too?!

It sounds like they have a hold over him then, and he feels he can't say no to any of them. But if he was happy with her then he would still be there and not with you. Apologies, I assumed it was you giving him a hard time and they seemed like 'fun'. You need to work out if he intends to change and spend more time with you

Not coming back is a really major sulk. I have a feeling that people are missing this detail.

Honestly they sound utterly pathetic. Twenty-somethings getting a lift to uni with daddy every single day? Jesus.

If he has to 'pop over' in evening can't you go with him?
You may need to remind him that he had a daughter at home too. Does he put that much time and effort in his child with you? If you not going with him is an option then get him to take DD for a spin over to see her stepsisters. At least that way she gets to spend time with her dad.
As for ex ringing him tell him how you feel. He can't have his feet in both camps.

He sounds completely brow beaten. I understand he feels as though he 'can't go through it again' because 'he was so wrung out.' The way he is dealing with this is definitely to not do it again. But he's doing this is such an extreme way that he is neglecting you and your child. And he's still continuing the patterns from his marriage by appeasing his ex wife and elder children. So he's actually still doing it.

I think he's in a real mess TBH and very afraid of losing his older Dds. What he doesn't realise is that he's in danger of losing you both too. I imagine the reason for him staying out all night is because he can't face the consequences of coming home. He wants you to just be there for him and go in line with what his ex wants because he can't cope with anything more. His stress levels must be immense.

So you can do one of two things, either end the marriage. Although in doing this, you risk him becoming increasingly distant from his dd. He has made it clear right now where his priorities lie (i.e. Having piece of mind and no stress) and once away from the home, it's more likely to get worse. So you risk your dd losing any kind of relationship with him. Or you can help him to overcome this. I suspect fighting and shouting won't work. I think he will likely completely shut down so kid gloves would be the way forward for me.

When my dh does something to really piss me off, I write an email to him. Is this something you would consider? If so we could help.

Did he come home OP? I second the suggestion of an email. You can express yourself more succinctly. But to be honest, after last night's behaviour I think he's made his feelings quite clear. I'd be sitting him down and asking whether he wants to continue to be part of your family and if not make arrangements to split. You never know, you might see him more if he's YOUR EXH!!

Sorry op but I am not sure I believe him when he says he fixes computers, takes then to Uni every morning etc. To me it sounds like he has gone back to them and simply sleeps at yours.

I totally get that he wants to see his older children but the amount of contact seems at the detriment of your youngest which is not on.

OP I'm going to be rather blunt, but I think your husband is manipulating you. He knows you are in no position to be able to speak to his ExW or his DDs so as long as he spins you a certain line he knows you will have to accept it. And he knows that if he uses the "for the children" line he can spin so that (in his eyes) you look unreasonable and he can guilt trip you.

Take this for instance.....
As an aside he did last year ask his ExW if she could take over the morning Uni run, she has a car and only works weekends. She went mad at him and guilt tripped him to carry on, she told him it was the only thing he did for his daughters, in front of his daughters.

Who says that's what the EXW said? Maybe she said "If you aren't going to take them they will have to catch the bus. I'm not taking them" (perfectly reasonable) but he couldn't handle his special snowflakes catching the bus. Or maybe there was never even a conversation with the EXW about it, but he tells you there was to position himself in a role where you blame someone else.

I read this thread with growing suspicions that your DH may be using "visiting DDs" as a cover for something else, possibly an affair. Hardly any students are in uni at 9am every day. And timetables change every term/semester.

And then I got to the part where he didn't come home last night and suspicions grew even more.

Maybe I'm wrong. But the best case scenario (if there is a best, maybe they are both equally bad in different ways) is that emotionally he still sees his older DDs (and EXW?) as his primary family and primary responsibility. And you and your DD are an add-on who will get his time and attention only when his primary family don't want it or when he doesn't want to be with them.

The other scenario is that he is using his DDs as a cover for being away from the home and for spending money.

When he comes back from his impromptu night away I'm sure he will have an excuse as to where he's been that is totally innocent and will blame you for the fact he didn't come home. Don't believe him, he's manipulating you to excuse his own behaviour (whichever scenario it is).

I very very rarely say this but I really don't think your relationship can work.

Hi OP

How are you feeling now? Did he come home?

I hope he came home eventually Sun?

Is this the first time you've sat him down and told him exactly what's bothering you because if it is then he acted very oddly!

I'd have thought he would try to reassure you that all was fine and dandy but he didn't do that.

If the ex is sat there of a morning with a car outside and yet still expects your DP to go and do a 'school run' then I'd also think that she enjoys him being around.

I hope you get it sorted

I hadn't thought of it like that DeathStare. Either scenario is equally plausible from what op has said.

Oh, Sun. Even if he's using his other family to spend time away from you, he doesn't need that excuse, as he's playing tennis as well, and now stropping off without telling you where he is. Leavi g you not only alone with a small SN child, but alone without a car.

That sounds like the unreasonable behaviour and "irreconcilable differences" of a divorce.

Do you work, or could you get a job, with maintenance?

P.S. I hope to goodness that calling him DO doesn't mean you're actually not married and have no claim on the house!

DP, not DO!