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AIBU?

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Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Atenco · 28/12/2016 23:27

Good news, OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2016 23:51

That's good, have you broken it off with him now?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/12/2016 23:53

Obviously not enough to set firm boundaries with his adult dds and put his little dd first and his partner. Did his dds not want to spend Christmas with him then!

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 29/12/2016 00:29

No apparently not aero! I'm surprised he wasn't with his DDs. Although I had left it that I didn't want to be with him anymore so I didn't ask too much. I'm just leaving things for a good while. At the moment he's kipping somewhere else and I don't have the energy or will to do anything but be single.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 29/12/2016 00:32

And the ironic thing is, although my family and friends are far away, I am close to them all. DP doesn't have that closeness with his family, his DDs or Ex aren't there for him. He's just their doormat.

Only we were. You have to look after the ones who look out for you or they will get fed up and leave!

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 29/12/2016 00:34

He is simply reaping what he sowed.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 00:36

That's good, you were there for him, and he pushed you away. He did not realise a good thing he had with you and dd until it went, I still don't think he fully understands or gets it. That is problem. He is his own undoing, only he can fix it himself.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 00:38

Yes he is his own undoing. I woukd think about moving back to where your family is.

dowhatnow · 29/12/2016 09:18

He's like a dog being kicked, rolling over for more, desperate for some crumbs from its master. That's some very dysfunctional thinking when he is prepared to lose the good thing he has.

You are doing the right thing. He is incapable of seeing it as it is, so best you get on with your own life. I'm sure you will eventually be much happier for it.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 09:58

He allows his adult dds to treat you disrespectfully and in a very rude way after all you have done to help them, and places the blame on you, and makes it that its your issue, no no no! Its funny that they did not want their dad for Christmas after all he does for them, screams doormat, and I think he should start to put some boundaries where they are concerned or they will walk all over him, which is what they are already doing! Your best off away from it, you don't want dd knowing that she is loved less by her dad, and her dad.

Yeh he misses you as he has noone, his dds don't want him, you have had enough and don't want him, time for him to take a long hard look at himself.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/12/2016 10:37

I bet if his dds did spend Christmas with him and had a good relationship with him, he would not be missing you both!

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 29/12/2016 23:54

True aero! I think as much as he misses us he'd still run to them if they clicked their fingers. It will take a long time for this to settle, however I just don't have the luxury of time just to wait for my DDs Dad to start being her Dad.

OP posts:
Alpies · 30/12/2016 06:24

Hi OP, so sorry to hear what's happened. But maybe for the best? He doesn't sound like he understand your needs as a family unit nor does he give u any support at home.

what was the situation for xmas?
Did he spend any time with DD3?

Where are u at now?

HamletsSister · 04/01/2017 18:22

How are you OP?

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 06/01/2017 00:45

Thank you Alpies and Hamlet. I spent Xmas just with my family.

However my DDs Dad has been in touch. He says he's been to a solicitor, he's sorry that he has been neglecting us. I just feel a bit numb and not really up for a big making up talk. I think hes probably dying to move back in but I'd rather he didn't.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 06/01/2017 00:51

I wouldn't even entertain the idea of him moving back in OP. He's done nothing to deserve it. Actions not words. Rather than a making up talk, showing he wanted to spend quality time with you and your DD should be his first step. As ever, you and she deserve so much better than you've been getting. Easier to say than act on I know. Flowers

icy121 · 08/01/2017 16:16

Totally agree with buttery. Communicate to him that you are not particularly interested in how he lives his life going forward beyond the fact that you're incredibly keen for him to spend time with your DD. Would her SN prohibit him say picking her up and taking her out for a pizza or swimming for example, or something appropriate for her?
That's what he should be focusing on IMO,1-1 fun activities with her to build their relationship.

timeisnotaline · 08/01/2017 21:12

Agreed with the others. You can't discuss making up until you see he can commit to parenting your dad, not just his older children. Some reasonable access plan involving a few mornings and evenings, and he has to stick to it.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2017 21:31

sunflower you know it's going to be the same old shit from him. You need to now move forward, and get the best deal out of him fir your dd. Stay strong. I wou,d move back to yiur family tbh.

Aeroflotgirl · 08/01/2017 21:37

His behaviour towards you, has been abusive too, how is he addressing that. You need to see long term action, not words.

HecateAntaia · 08/01/2017 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 09/01/2017 01:27

Totally agree with icy121

He has not even been to visit his dd?

He needs to act like he wants to be her father. Words are cheap.

thinkimcrazy · 09/01/2017 08:46

Gosh even though he's saying he's misses you both he doesn't seem to show the same desperation with DD3 as with the other two. Maybe that's because he's scared that they will actually grow some balls and independence for themselves!! Wishing you all the best OP and good luck with everything xx

MrsSchadenfreude · 09/01/2017 08:56

Read the thread last night. You have done the right thing. Has he not seen your DD at all since Christmas? Shock

dowhatnow · 09/01/2017 09:07

I feel quite sorry for him; he's ended up with no one. But only take him back if YOU want him back. He's made his bed, he now has to lie in it.

You spelled it out to him, maybe he's now finally actually realised but if you do decide to give it another go, make sure he drops the lifts etc before you get back together. Actions speak louder than words.