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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:45

Rainy My DP wasn't great, he went off the rails at me after his daughter got grumpy and had said 'I wasnt' her mother'. It saddens me as it just enforced her view of me as someone who wasn't to be taken seriously as DPs partner. She refused to visit as 'it was too awkward' and DP blamed me for her lack of visits. I nearly split up from DP afterwards.

True - he is probably grasping the last parts of feeling like a Dad, and possibly his ExWs last feeling that they are still a family.

OP posts:
Lemon12345 · 10/11/2016 23:46

Can we have a typical week? In terms of how much time he spends with your DD, with you and with his older DDs (and helping EW with jobs)?
It's hard to judge as it could just be a case of he's trying to split his time as fairly as possible, but if he's at his DDs' houses so much I'm sure it must be having an impact on time with his youngest, with you and with running your household... Especially since he's going to be out the door fairly early each day (assuming that leave you to sort out DD) and comes home at/past her bedtime.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:47

Very yes I guess in an ideal world I would hope DP would want to let them know that there are limits to the happy family scenario - even just making them come to us if they want their computer fixed for example.

OP posts:
Amandahugandkisses · 10/11/2016 23:50

I think this is completely ridiculous.
"Errands" at his exw house with grown children?!
Does he spent time with his daughter with you OP?

GabsAlot · 10/11/2016 23:55

they sound spoilt

he had a go at you over his daughter leaving? i think he shold stop mollycoddling them theyre adults now

no way would i have an exw text my partner every day

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:57

Lemon Typical week...
Monday to Friday - DP leaves house 7.30am to pick up daughters. He gets to work 9am. I get up at 7.30am with DD so basically don't see him. He gets back 7.30pm ish. One night DP 'favours' for ExW/daughters. Tues - DP cinema daughters. Weds - DP tennis. Picks up daughters from Uni most nights. Our DD goes to bed 8pm so DP often puts her to bed.
Sat - DP takes daughter to her work and picks her up. He'll take DD in the car often.
Sun - sometimes at daughters, sometimes with me, sometimes visiting his parents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:58

I don't know if it's relevant but our daughter has special needs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 23:59

gabs yes when his daughter left it really upset me because it was like I was the bad guy. I've never had a go at the girl in her life. But yes I did ask her not to ignore half sister. But that was all.

OP posts:
Amandahugandkisses · 11/11/2016 00:02

Wtf is this picking them up from uni?!
Aren't they embarrassed?
OP I wouldn't accept this he's never with you!

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 00:04

I don't understand the Uni thing myself. There is a bus 5 mins from their house straight to the gates of Uni too.

OP posts:
SENPARENT · 11/11/2016 00:06

When does the little daughter get time with her dad apart from being put to bed?

PresidentDonaldTrump · 11/11/2016 00:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FeelTheNoise · 11/11/2016 00:28

I'd say you have a fair bit to moan about.

PresidentDonaldTrump · 11/11/2016 00:39

Nah

mumeeee · 11/11/2016 00:42

It's very unusual that adult children get taken and picked up from uni.
Surely their friends must find that strange.
Once our DDs went to uni they sorted out things for themselves.
Yes we did help buy stuff for university when they started and gave them advice on things but that was it.
What year are they in?

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 00:44

1st and 2nd year, I don't think their friends know particularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 00:45

sen weekends I suppose.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 00:46

feelThanks.

OP posts:
SoTheySentMeA · 11/11/2016 01:18

PresidentDonaldTrump are you one of the older DD's? Your comment is childish and unhelpful.

Sun the whole situation sounds totally bizarre to me. I don't understand why they need to be driven to and from uni and work. They're not children. I also don't understand how your DP can be spending so little time with younger DD and you. I'm sorry if this hurts but it sounds like they are still a family unit, and you and DD are on your own. I'd be asking DP if he plans to start spending more time with his youngest daughter at any point as they can't have much of a relationship. From the sound of it, he's basically a visitor to her. If his older DD's are more important than his youngest, I wouldn't be staying with him any longer personally. All his children deserve equal priority, but the older ones are big enough to shift for themselves and his daughter with special needs should be coming first.

Mummyme1987 · 11/11/2016 01:19

It's not normal they are adults! What age do they stop? 35?

almondpudding · 11/11/2016 01:29

I don't think it is abnormal, just unusual with the uni thing.

Loads of people now spend their whole twenties living with parents.

The only issue is if your DH is not spending plenty of time with you and his youngest DD too.

Isetan · 11/11/2016 02:52

You have a DP problem and it doesn't sound like he likes his behaviour being questioned, let alone challenged. Stop waiting for him or for the dynamic of his first family to change, he's made it very clear that your feelings or opinions about the subject aren't important to him.

KoalaDownUnder · 11/11/2016 03:42

It's ridiculous and the older daughters sound utterly spoilt.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2016 04:13

The girls have legs. They need to use them. At that age I was walking miles. Why isn't their mother dropping or picking them up? Can he afford to insure and buy a car for them to share? Good christmas present if so and an incentive for them both to work to pay for petrol.

ENormaSnob · 11/11/2016 06:21

Not sure I could tolerate this in a dp tbh...