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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 11/11/2016 11:20

Please don't take this the wrong way, but are you absolutely sure he is with his daughters every time he says he is?

Just the taking to uni every day is a bit odd - I can't speak for other courses, but when I was at uni we didn't have to be in every day that early and some days we didn't have to go in at all depending on which units you picked.

It seems as though he could be avoiding you? That's just what I'm picking up on and of course I don't know you or the situation so I'm hoping I am wrong.

Binders1 · 11/11/2016 11:21

It does sound like your resentment is him being at the ExW's house than it is to do with what he does for the kids, albeit I also have no idea whey is transporting them to and from University. At 12, I used to catch a bus to school and back. However, someone's normal working week of leaving work at 7.30 pm and getting back at 7.30 pm really isn't that unusual and he picking them up/lifts isn't exactly spending time with them either. I agree with pp, get more independence, learn to drive and tell DP you want more time together. I know it's sounds easy when you say it quick and it's not always the case. Good luck.

WannaBe · 11/11/2016 11:28

I agree with binders (how are things btw?) those hours are not an unusual patern for someone who is working to be out of the house anyway, regardless of whether he was giving lifts or not. In fact it would be easy to pick someone up on the way to where he was going and then drop them off and continue on his way. So the comments about him not spending time with his other DD are a bit harsh.

Also, if you say the ex texts him daily and he's saying he only speaks to her once a month then it would seem you are clearly snooping on him, so regardless of everything else there is clearly no trust in your relationship. When your DD turns eighteen will you throw her out of the house with no support?

Velvian · 11/11/2016 12:22

I think some pps are being harsh. I think you know something is not right op and I would guess you are right. I suspect if your DP's exW had a partner, contact would not be happening at her house and would not be required so much. I think ideally contact should be mainly at your house or out & about. I also think you & DD should be involved in a lot of the time he spends with his older DDs, with some 1 to 1 time with them too.

almondpudding · 11/11/2016 12:26

Isn't the youngest child ten, not three?

I have a child at university. He's coming home this weekend. For months of the year he'll be at home all the time, out of term time. We're a family. There's no way I'd be thinking, he's an adult, don't want to speak to him, don't want to help him fix a computer.

My FIL has just given us a load of DIY help. My parents help me and want to see me all the time. It is normal for families to want to see each other. I know grandparents who do childcare all the the time. In a few years the DH may have grandchildren and want to spend much time with them.

The only issue here should be if he is spending enough time with the youngest DC and you OP. But wanting to see adult children as much as they want to see him should not be treated as weird.

WannaBe · 11/11/2016 12:27

It's ridiculous to refer to contact with over 20's as "contact" and to insist that it happen in a certain place. They're not children, but they're his children, and his relationship with them is separate to his relationship with the OP. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it is.

Just because he's married to the OP doesn't mean they have to have a relationship with her. Equally they're not obliged, although it would be nice obviously, to have a relationship with any children their dad and the OP have together. The age difference is just too big to expect that kind of thing to happen naturally. Sometimes it does, but if it doesn't then it's not wrong either.

GabsAlot · 11/11/2016 13:03

course they shold have a relationship b ut why is it always rouond his exes house they can meet up anywhere

himpicking them up and taking them in every day is excessive especially if it means he doesnt see his youngest dc

Velvian · 11/11/2016 13:17

They're adults I have a DS at uni who is home every weekend & he still needs me, but not in way my 5 & 3 year old do. My 3 are all siblings too, despite the age gap they have a close sibling relationship. If the Dsds have an issue with the op she deserves to know about to give her a chance to address it. My ds1 needs to be where I am when he needs me as I have 2 younger dcs that I cannot leave. Doesn't it sound like OP's dp is not pulling his weight in parenting 3 year old?

Bambamrubblesmum · 11/11/2016 13:19

This doesn't sound right. Why would he care about a barrier between him and his ex wife Hmm

There's probably more to this OP than you know about.

Part of going to uni is to transition into adulthood not an extension of school. He's not doing his daughters any favours by keeping the stabilisers on them. As parents we've got to allow them to grow up not just do things because we enjoy it. Talk about helicopter parenting!

He needs to develop an adult relationship with them away from their mum.

I think the comment about the ex wife is a bit telling.

Velvian · 11/11/2016 13:29

wanna you just referred to "contact" as "contact" even while criticising the use of it. I agree it doesn't sound right, but it's useful shorthand

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 14:08

I don't mind of course time with his kids. I don't mind at all it's really important. What niggles me is the increasing 'only at ExWs house' contact.

As an aside he did last year ask his ExW if she could take over the morning Uni run, she has a car and only works weekends. She went mad at him and guilt tripped him to carry on, she told him it was the only thing he did for his daughters, in front of his daughters.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 11/11/2016 18:39

its his ex that is the problem then he shouldnt feel guilt then take it out n you-

she sounds very manipulative

Charley50 · 11/11/2016 19:21

So what is his ex going to do? Stop contact? Her and his older DdS are old enough to realise that a 3year old with or without SN, should be a priority for a while. If they are too thick or too selfish to work it out for themselves they need to be told.

Also; why is he saying he only contacts ex monthly and you say it's every day? What's going on here?

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/11/2016 19:34

I agree she does sound manipulative. As does the daughter, who turned against you because you took her out second. This is not normal behaviour. These three women have him exactly where they want him. And they're ensuring he's not in your home and by your side with your child.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 20:26

Yanbu these are grown adults being treated like children. At tgat age they shoukd be getting themselves to work/uni. It's is mollycoddling them, and not teaching them to be independent. Womanchildren. These are the sorts of people that turn up to jobs and demand tgat people give them lifts to and from work, the liftzillas. It does not sound like your partner spends much much time with his current family. I would demand this changes or I'd be out of there. This sounds like like it won't stop anytime soon.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 20:28

Why is he in contact with his ex, his daughters are adults there is no need.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 20:39

Op just read your last posts. His behaviour woukd be a dealbreaker, I could not have this. They both are infantising their adult dds, and your partner is not supporting you,

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 21:37

I haven't seen him since last night when I told him how I felt. He's stayed out at work and I don't know when he'll be back. I think posters are right, this is affecting our relationship in a bad way. I just feel excluded and pushed out.

OP posts:
Heratnumber7 · 11/11/2016 21:46

rainy the kids in this instance would think that normality is having both their parent s at home. Their father has moved out. By having him around a lot means that they can kid themselves that everything is normal.

Most children in this country live in a home with two parents, do that is "normal", and anything else is ab-normal (ie not the norm), even though that would be a sizeable minority.

WankersHacksandThieves · 11/11/2016 21:57

So he's not come home from work and he's not telling you when he'll be home? Presuming he text or phoned to let you know?

That is shit OP.

Isn't he supposed to be a grown adult? SO he is punishing you and his small child because he's taken the huff. Effectively leaving you to be a single parent? And it's apparently okay to let down a little girl and the woman he is supposed to love but it it isn't okay to let down two grown young women who are perfectly capable of doing things for themselves or of asking their other parent.

I'd be tempted to tell him to fuck off until he grows up.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 21:58

I think your relationship is at a crossroads , either you leave, or stay with somebody who will never change, and puts your dd third best, below is two adult dds.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 11/11/2016 22:46

He's still not home, no text, nothing.

I realise writing this post how much the whole waiting for him to come home, seeing him leave to pick up his kids, it has got to me, I am effectively a single parent Monday to Friday. And on top of that the irritating feeling that 'DP is at ExWs house' - which never feels right.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 22:55

The fact he is in a huff because you tried to have a reasonable discussion about it, says it all. You and your dd will always be at the bottom of the pile with him, you have to decide if you want to put up with that, especially once your dd is ok'd enough and realises.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/11/2016 22:59

His reaction says it all, them against you and dd. His heart is not with you. He shoukd not be having anything to do with his ex, he is a very poor partner, and a piss poor father to your dd and his dds. He is doing them no favours infantising adult children.

holidaysaregreat · 11/11/2016 23:03

I was having lifts into town for drinks with mates until my early 40s (not living in same town by this point) & my Dad used to check my oil levels in the car, help me out if I had certain things to pay for that he knew I couldn't afford. So I don't think it's that weird. Maybe the lifts to uni are a bit OTT.
It will be obvious that you're jealous & make him less likely to want to come home.
Doesn't sound like he's treating all 3 kids equally tho which is very unfair. It's never going to be a smooth ride having children with someone who already has children.