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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To get fed up of my DP going to ExWs house regularly because of kids?

630 replies

Sunflowerspread · 10/11/2016 22:51

I've been with my DP 5 years - and mostly good but for one niggle - he's always going to ExWs house because of their kids!

He takes his two daughters to Uni every morning - they live at their mum's - so he goes around every morning. Fair enough.

When their mum goes away they sometimes come to ours, they are very welcome, one used to live with us. But more and more they don't want to, and so DP goes to their house to see them and check they are OK. If they want their computer sorting, or a lift. Again, DP goes to theirs, they are often not ready, so he gets asked to go in, he does.

I do get that he needs a relationship. I do get that they are living at their mums. But why does it always have to be there?

I've tried to entice them to ours for the weekend, taken them out for dinners, all so that they can have some Dad time in his own house, or just him and them. His ExW has been starting to ask him more and more favours which involve him going to her house. They have a half sister now, who they hardly ever see because of this new 'norm'.

I'm just getting a bit fed up, but if I don't want to say anything directly as DP will just feel like I want to stop him seeing his daughters. Which I don't. I just wish it were more at our house!

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2016 09:00

I disagree charley that amount of involvement to the detriment of op and her little dd is unacceptable. Its like their playing happy families together, and the dds are 10, not adults, and your on the fringes. You could type him and e mail and tell him exactly how you feel and the impact that it is having on your dd. It sounds like there is not much of a relationship there. Why should op and her dd be latchers on, and dd come in the car when lift taking, which she does already. The op and her dh, and dd need their family time. Her partner is throwing a big strop, which is quite telling. Yes the relationship is now at a crossroads, the situation needs to change or the relationship ends. It sounds like ex is expecting op dh to to run them here and there, and is manipulating the situation.

Me2017 · 12/11/2016 09:01

It is hard for me to keep my lawyer hat off. you call him partner so despite having a child together you're not marred. Is there a reason for that?

Do you work and if so full time? I am looking at the financial position here not emotional position. Do you went a house with your boyfriend or does one of you own it?

On the paying of unviersity books my divorce finances court consent order says I pay the university costs for all the children (I earn more than my ex husband) so it may well be their financial order requires your ex to pay for the university books. The books are nothing. My twins will cost £150k over 3 years as I m funding their fees from next year.

JCo24 · 12/11/2016 09:11

So I was ready to click on this and tell you YABU. But having actually read it, no, YANBU. At all. Actually, I think you need to put your foot down because the relationship he's got with his kids is weird. It's like he's trying to baby them still?
Does he feel like maybe he missed out on them growing independent and therefore hasn't adjusted his parenting accordingly? My Dad still refuses to let me in the kitchen at his house or do any of the cleaning/washing up and I think this stems from him not being there as I was becoming independent.

Charley50 · 12/11/2016 09:11

I agree with you Aeroflot.

happypoobum · 12/11/2016 09:22

YANBU - this sounds pretty awful.

So if you split, would he be round yours every morning to take DD to school?

No? Thought not.

I agree with PP, XW and the DDs are his primary family and you are barely visible to him as some kind of peripheral family.

I would give him the nuclear option, sorry. Flowers

Velvian · 12/11/2016 09:24

Do you have any family support nearby op? Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2016 09:36

He has made it very clear to you, where his loyalties lie, yes his main family is his ex and two adult dds are his main priority. The fact he throws a huff if you dear challenge this is telling. Your dd deserves better than this, to be an appendage for her fathers affections. This will go on and on, and will not stop anytime soon, this would be a massive dealbreaker.

hippyhippyshake · 12/11/2016 09:52

I would start checking out of the relationship. He has no respect for your feelings and also probably feels that he can't lessen any contact with his dds even if he wanted too due to ex's manipulative ways. Do you own the property you live in? Do you have an income of your own? If you calmly told him of your exit plans you never know it might be the jolt he needs.

Another thought - does he feel that he is needed at home with you? Do you do everything for your dd? He may feel a spare part at home and feels he's actually needed/wanted at ex's. No excuse for dissing your feelings though.

PaulDacresConscience · 12/11/2016 09:55

It sounds as if your 'D'P only comes back to your house to sleep. He's not a parent to your DD together - his other DDs and his ExW are getting all of his time and attention. I think it's great that he so obviously still wants to spend time with his other DDs, but this seems to be coming at a cost to you and your DD as it is very one-sided. There needs to be balance - and there is no balance here.

His attitude - that you are the barrier between him and his other DDs - doesn't sound promising either.

In your shoes I'd leave.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2016 10:06

In your position i would call him and tell him not to come back, he can stay with ex as he's round tgere most if the time. He has checked out of your relationship, emotionally and physically.

CookieLady · 12/11/2016 10:11

Agree with Aero. You need to tell him not to come back unless he's going to alter the way things are - massive changes.

Capricorn76 · 12/11/2016 10:24

When I was at uni we did not have to go at the same time every morning like school...you need to find out if he's trying to avoid you because the uni drop off thing every morning sounds like BS to me.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/11/2016 10:48

The dds are adults, and they can facilitate contact with their dad without the involvement of their mum. Totally unacceptable, sounds like he wants a relationship with her again.

happypoobum · 12/11/2016 10:58

That's a bloody good point Capricorn There is no way the DDs go to uni every day at the same time and need collecting every day. Don't eithe rof them have, you know, lives?

Is he actually divorced OP or is this is wife, rather than XW? Why did they split up?

Ldnmum2015 · 12/11/2016 10:59

I have read the whole thread, i feel for you today and how worrying this must be. In my opinion, one situation is, as one poster pointer out (sorry cant remember name) they, as a collective are doing everything they can to ensure he is not spending time with his new family, I think that happens alot with ex's when their ex partner moves on, and the daughters also wont be the first siblings to suddenly start wanting extra attention once a new baby has arrived. Or he is using them as cover for something else. I am not sure if you say uni as a red herring, so you identity is protected, but uni courses aren't everyday (if they were they wouldn't physically hold the amount of students in the building, rooms are allocated on a weekly basis and students self study). Or it may be a combination of both, ie; they want to put a spanner in the works with you and he is exaggerating their demands as cover. He sounds completely spineless, and to sulk and stay away for the night would be opportunity he is looking for to end it and duck out if his responsibilities, in my experience spineless people do anything to avoid growing a pair and facing up to their responsibilities, unfortunately I don't know where that places you today, I want to say I hope he comes home ok, you talk and he realises how unfair the current situation is on you and does something about it, but in reality that may not happen and you need to take a few deep breaths and start a plan and a path where you and the baby cones first.

Spottytop1 · 12/11/2016 11:15

I would also look at moving on without him.

My 2 sons are a uni and they go in at different times and days - never have they gone in at the same time every day ( and neither did I when I did my degree or my pos grad study). I also never take them to uni - 1 catches the bus the other drives ( they are at different universities). I also do not pay for all their books, they both have part time work and took out student loans.

Your DP seems to see the ex and the older daughters as his family, you and your daughter deserve better....

Tell him not to come back unless he can a dad to your daughter and a partner to you.

llangennith · 12/11/2016 11:15

Hope you're ok OP?
Your problem is your DP. Not his DDs or exW. You rarely see his daughters yet expect them to be interested in your own DD. Rightly or wrongly (in your view) they clearly don't think of you and your DD at all.
You cannot change other people's behaviour but you can change your situation. Time to consider leaving your DP to his other family.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 12/11/2016 13:56

He's still not back, he texted to say he was at a friends and be back later to talk. I am feeling fed up and am not sure I want to carry on like this long term. When I think of doing it on my own it actually doesn't feel all that different to now!

At this minute he's around ExWs house picking up DD to take her to work! Sigh...

I was also surprised when DP carried on taking them to Uni, it really is Uni, early every morning. I was secretly looking forward to DP having less contact with his ExW, as he used to drop by her house to take them every morning to school (one lived with us, one with her).

My best guess is that his ExW makes her daughters do this, as she likes them out of the house all day during the week (she only works weekends). The kids do take the bus home sometimes if they are meeting friends late, but often ask DP to go or ask their mum - who then texts DP saying she can't do it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 12/11/2016 13:56

Thank you all for taking the time to post btw. I do feel clearer in my mind about it.

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 12/11/2016 14:25

i think u have your answer then op-hope it work out

CookieLady · 12/11/2016 14:53

You're better off without him. It won't make much difference to your poor child as their father is hardly there. Best of luck.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 12/11/2016 15:06

Yes, unfortunately I am not married to DP. The house is in his name too.

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 12/11/2016 19:26

Sorry OP, been out for the day and just read your updates. Been thinking about you today.

Has he been back and have you any resolution? Obviously none of us here know the exact in and outs of your situation or know what your or his feelings are. Just make sure that you get everything out that needs to come out. For me the biggest thing is that he felt it was okay to leave you and your daughter alone all night with no idea if he was safe or sulking or where he was or when/if he was coming back. I'd have a hard time forgiving that tbh.

Anyway, sounds like there may be hard times ahead so Flowers and best wishes to you and your little one.

Original poster
Sunflowerspread · 12/11/2016 22:35

Thanks I appreciate that. He did text late last night, but very late. He texted again to say he'd be round tomorrow and thought it best to give me space. That he couldn't talk reasonably in the first place is difficult. I don't have any family or other support nearby either, which makes it all a bit isolating.

OP posts:
WankersHacksandThieves · 12/11/2016 22:46

Well I'm glad he didn't leave you worrying all night OP. Disappointing that he seems to think it's your problem hence "giving you space". Space to do what? Come to your senses and start behaving like the downtrodden person at home while he continues to do exactly what he wants?

I'd emphasis that at this point it's not space you need, it's a proper conversation about him allocating his time more fairly between his children instead of parenting by the "squeaky wheel" approach.

Of course he is perfectly entitled to spend time with his older offspring, even if he is indulging them in a way you don't feel is doing them any good. However, he can't do that to the detriment of your daughter and yourself.

That said, I think you need to take charge of your own life too. Go to some groups with your DD, make some friends, build a network, learn to drive, get some time to yourself (to go to work/a class/a hobby) leaving him in charge of your DD. These things are important regardless of whether you ultimately stay together or not.