Only children - To be utterly fucked off

[JackShit]

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

No one can argue you a feeling, so if you feel that OP, you have my sympathy.

Can't say I've ever noticed posts like this in the last year however, I've not been looking fit them

People only make nasty comments about other people's choices when they are insecure about their own.

In fact most of my friends were jealous about the one child

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There is this perception about only children being spoilt and in some way mal-adjusted. It's just utter bollocks. Lots of studies have concluded that "only's" generally perform better than "multiples" academically, socially and in their career.

That is Utter bollocks Im afraid. Believe this rubbish is true but only children DO NOT 'perform better'. But thanks for the laugh.

Its odd how many on this thread are able to criticise families with more than one and spout of rubbish positives about only children. . There are so many plus sides to having more than one which is why most families do try for more than one child!

'An only is a lonely!'

That is so sad! Totally untrue, but really sad!

Being an only child has a lot of benefits as does having siblings! Either way it's good and bad, just for different reasons.

You could be a child of 5 and still feel lonely! Or you could be an only and be surrounded by friends and hardly ever be alone! (So much so you desperately treasure those few moments of alone time! Probs just me!)

I hate it when people say to me they are suprised I am an only child. Why?Personalities comes from the upbringing and individualism of the child, not how many brothers and sisters they have!

Over reaction .

Eh, you can't please all the people all the time. Parents of only children get it in the neck about their kids being lonely, parents of three+ kids get told they're selfish and neglecting their kids. I have two sons and my mother is under the impression I "have to" try for a girl when I'm quite happy with my family the way it is. Some people are nosey and interfering.

Rosegold I only read the op and the first few responses, so hadn't seen your post.

After my first child was born, the only pressure I got to have another was from only children who felt they had missed out because of having no siblings. Obviously, not every only child feels this way.

I'm not sure if people don't make comments about my largeish family, or I just don't pay any attention to be honest. I do get lots of comments about trying for a girl (always from people who know that our only daughter died at birth). I don't know what this proves, maybe just that there's an arsehole for every occasion!

DanicaJones No I didn't mean like that I just thought you had a valid point so would explain why I wrote that in my post.

quite often a single child wasn't a choice and there's a lot of sadness attached to these comments about not being able to have more.

This is very true. I wanted 3 or 4, I have managed to have 1 and have given up on pregnancy now. My child will have a good life, and I am grateful to have them, but that hole in my heart where other children should be stings that much more every time someone asks me "so, when are you having another one?"

I used to have an only child until he was 7 and now he has a DD. I used to get occasional comments asking why I didn't have another one, what a shame for him etc. I now get asked why such a big gap etc. However, there's only a small minority who do this. I would try not to be upset and recognise that there will always be some people expressing views like this. For what its worth I think 'only' children benefit a lot from all the parent attention and the greater opportunities to make choices that suit them without having to take a sibling into account. Those 'only' children I know are all well-rounded polite individuals, not fitting any cliche of being spoilt, lonely etc.

Its odd how many on this thread are able to criticise families with more than one and spout of rubbish positives about only children. . There are so many plus sides to having more than one which is why most families do try for more than one child!

I agree with you about the 'only children do better' being utter nonsense, and that bashing people who chose to have more than one is not fair.

But I think it is particularly unkind of you to imply that there is no positive to being an only child and that all examples of this are rubbish.

I think there's positives and negetives to both IMHO

'Little emperor syndrome' was the one that really fucked me off.

Actually think size of family is swings and roundabouts. It is what you make it.

People who make negative comments rather than positive ones about other people's families are being unkind.

Thank you for this thread, OP: it has been very encouraging reading and to hear all the experiences.

I have an only by choice and have been told to my face that I am cruel for doing so. And as a teacher, I was talking to a colleague (a mother of 4) once about a student I was about to start teaching (she was moving to my set from another set due to problems). Well, the colleague was filling me in on the student's background and so on, and she said "And of course, she's an only child, with all the baggage that that brings..."

My face was

I used to struggle with my decision - not because I was unhappy - but because of the way it is perceived so often. I felt that I must have done something dreadful to DS by making this choice and that he was never going to be able to lead a happy and fulfilled life. Of course, he's 13 now, and I watch him leading his busy, happy life, full of friends and with lots of cousins, and relishing returning to our little family of 3 which he has never desired to be any different, and I think: He'll be OK.

Doesn't bother me. I've got an only and nobody says a word. If anyone on here comments I don't notice or care.

But mumsnet 'remarks that arseholes make' pass me by anyway because I know that 99% of the time it's just conversational chewing gum, like talking about the weather. There's no actual judgement, just someone interacting with you on a subject they imagine is of interest to you.

I've probably said 'when are you having another one' plenty times myself. If anybody says it to me, I just say 'never!' and laugh. I'm not convinced it's any kind of issue at all.

You get this with however many children you have.

Everyone has an opinion, it's just their opinion, doesn't make anything they say true.

My brother is about to have his first child at 42, I have to listen to my mum telling everyone how happy she is to be having her first grandchild, that she thought it would never happen, that she thought she'd have half a dozen by now, telling people that she doesn't understand why I don't have any, that she thought I'd have had one 20 years ago (I'm 48) she knows that I have many miscarriages, that I've been told I can't carry children, it hurts. I love children - I've been a nanny for 30 years (next week!) I always thought I'd have 4 or 5, it didn't happen and now it's too late so people tell me I'm wrong not to have any. I tell them it's nobody's business why I don't have children or why others have an only or 5 kids! As long as they are loved and cared for mind your own damned business. And people on a forum are worse, nobody knows them, they can tell you having 3 kids is perfect but they may scream, shout, slap their children behind closed doors! Who knows the problems people have with their amount of children? Who knows the great things about having a set amount of children? Those impromptu hugs, kisses and thank you's are the important bits. Enjoy them, they a little for such a short time before they go off and have families of their own.

http://daily.jstor.org/myth-lonely-only-child/

Perhaps you might like to read this and the academic research that underpins it Lady (OP I think you'd find it interesting).

My comments are not actually "bollocks".

The point of this thread was about the criticism of having only children - therefore arguments in favour are bound to be forefront.

Yes there are good things about larger families but not having siblings is not equally nothing to be either pitied or seen as disadvantageous.

I think my eldest would be only too delighted to be an only. He seems to be trying to kill his brother at every opportunity using nerf bullets, whining, kicking and annoying tactics. I think I'd be a better parent of one in retrospect. Whatever happens I adore them both.

It really is nobody's business but yours how many you have and it doesn't matter if they're an only.

I have 4 and people always bleat on about them getting lost in a tribe or not having enough individual attention which will stunt their emotional development

Utter shite so just ignore

I'll bet I've had the best comments about having an only child. "It's a good thing you only have one" and "aren't you glad you don't have more children?" being two of my favourites.
Well, no, not really.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for years; I have serious mental health issues; I've been a single parent with disabilities; I've been homeless with my child; I've been through a deeply nasty custody fight (which had nothing to do, by the way, with any of the previous things. Except the EA.)

It might actually be true that having only one child was the best thing, given those circumstances, but I would like to have been given a choice.
The reason I only have one child is because I had severe PND after she was born, she was a high needs baby, and my fuckhead ex (who didn't actually do any meaningful parenting anyway) decided that HE didn't want to go through that again. This then became a perfect 'stick' to metaphorically beat me with. Maybe if I had been [ ]; maybe if I hadn't[ ], or had [ ]; maybe if I had [ ] differently... then I would have as many children as I wanted.
So, you know, thanks to all the people who mean well but inadvertently reinforce his message that the reason I only have one child is because I'm a crap mother. Appreciated.

Oh, and my daughter is now an adult, a fantastic person, and loves being an only child.

Gosh, I didn't realize I felt quite that bitter about it.

I have 4 and people always bleat on about them getting lost in a tribe

That is the one of the stupidest things I have heard in a long time! I had to laugh 😂

Better be careful if you go in any forests Connie!

Everyone has an opinion, it's just their opinion, doesn't make anything they say true.

I don't think anyone is suggesting that criticisms of having an only child are 'true' or valid, any more than having 2 or 4, only that it's irritating and presumptuous to get continual comments along exactly the same lines. I might have been mildly interested the first time someone brightly said 'An only is a lonely!' but by the fifty-first, I'm saying 'Gosh, really? Hadn't heard that brilliant insight before. Excuse me while I rush home to my husband and start trying to conceive right this second.'

Yes, it's conversational chewing gum, but if I can refrain from implying there's something badly wrong with other people's life choices* when I make smalltalk with them at bus shelters, surely it's not an utterly unreasonable expectation that if they aren't capable of similar self-control, they confine themselves to the weather?

*Leaving entirely aside the issue that as pps have pointed out, only children may not have involved a choice.

Connie ^^ just wanted to point out I was meaning about the people who have said this to you, not you being stupid!

People should have the number of children they want and can support. I don't see 4 being a particularly large number IMO