Only children - To be utterly fucked off

[JackShit]

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

I'm an only.

I must be quite unusual in that I also have never had, any first cousins (only some much older second cousins whom I never see), any grandparents or great aunts/uncles, any aunts, and only two uncles who I last saw when I was 6 months old. My dad left my DM when I was 2, and I've never really seen him either. So growing up, my total family in its entirety was my DM.

I never actually missed having siblings as a child as I had lots of friends who I saw every day, and I was a confident and popular kid. But I did miss the general noisy 'familyness' that I saw at other people's houses. I've had an awkward relationship with my DM since the age of about 12 as there was no one to arbitrate or help settle disagreements (I hit puberty as she hit menopause and it could get very ugly). My DM is still single and as she gets older with no family around her, I do feel a lot of pressure on me as I am all she has, she is close to retiring and I'm encouraging her to join groups and socialise more so she has more than just me to focus her energies on. For example, I feel terribly guilty if I miss a call from her, knowing she can't call anyone else, whereas DH knows he can catch up on family business with his siblings.

I miss having siblings now as an adult, as I see my friends get on so well with theirs, and all my friends' DC have cousins - my own DC have no cousins yet (DH has 3 siblings but all much younger than him and none are likely to have DC or their own in the near future).

I certainly didn't have the worst childhood ever but equally I wouldn't want my own DS (I'm pregnant again at the monent) to be the only one.

My mum felt so much guilt over me being an only child as she was unable to have a second. She brings it up all the time saying I'm sorry you don't have any siblings etc

However, I love being an only child! I didn't when I was very young but as an adult I do. I feel as an only child I was given opportunities that I would not have had if my parents had had another child due to the cost.
(I am only speaking about my families circumstances and not knocking others who do have larger families as every family is different and finances are different etc)

I haven't seen any of these kind threads so don't know if YABU I just wanted to say you have nothing to feel guilt about

I'm an only child and I absolutely adored everything about it and still do, if I had somehow been able to choose whether to have siblings or not I 100% would have chosen to be an only child. My DP's two siblings are horrible to him and they are rarely in contact anymore and I know other people in the same situation, so I don't feel that having siblings is any guarantee of lifelong friendship or support.

While I do sort of raise my eyebrows at people on MN who say it's cruel/lonely/sad/whatever to have only one child, it doesn't really hurt me because I know I loved that life. In fact, if I was ever misbehaving a bit as a child my mother used to threaten to get me a baby brother or sister (she didn't mean it of course, my parents only wanted one child in the first place) and I would instantly be good

Cannot recall who highlighted about what my cousin said re MY children will not be bullied .
She lived on a housing estate with a central area where the swings,, slides etc all were and played there , where all others had at least one brother or sister and they simply found her weak point early and on and on it went . She has MH issues as an adult but does point out that though that did not help, it is not the cause of it (I have no idea as she is quite close lipped on the MH)

puddington haha that's a brilliant punishment threat

Funnily enough the only times I, as a child, wished I had siblings, was when I got into trouble, I thought if there was another person there it may relieve the focus on me!! Hehehe

I'm with you though on loving that life! I did and I think always will. Not sure how many children I will have, but cruelty and fairness won't come into my desicion if I decide to have more than1

The problem here is thoughtless lazy comments about people's fertility. And thoughtless lazy stereotyping based on birth order.

Even people who have "one of each" with the "ideal" 2 year age gap must occasionally be annoyed by comments about "typical oldest child behaviour" or "hitting the jackpot" with their perfectly spaced family - and how much more hurtful if their "perfect" family has an invisible gap (the baby who died, the third child they couldn't conceive...).

We need to keep calling people out on this.

I am an only child (my mother miscarried three times before I was born). I have an only child (conceived through IVF). I hear you, OP.

I'd forgotten about not being able to get away with anything! Not me, I was an angel

4 dcs here, I get comments all the time. I stopped at x amount because I'm not mad, how do you afford them, are you kn benefits, ate they all tour Dhs etc etc

We started late (both over 40 at birth) and were actually only planning to have one child, but ended up with twins. It wasn't our choice to have more than one child but hey, sometimes life doesn''t go according to plan.

We get plenty of complete strangers arses thinking it's acceptable to ask whether we had IVF - or in a lot of cases simply assume we did - but frankly I just blink, roll my eyes and move on.

I'm an only child, and my DS is an only child (and always will be). I never saw myself with more than one child, and I'm a single parent by choice, so I can do so much with him that would be much harder with more children.

People say stupid shit. Generally if they try and spout the 'oh when are going back for another one?', I just give them a horrified face and say 'god no, the next one might be a total turd', and give them a knowing look 'you know what I mean', preferably staring at their child while you say it. That shuts them up pretty quick.

YANBU
People are horrible sometimes. Why would you ever tell someone their child was going to be unhappy? Especially when you don't know whether they're an only child through choice or not. It beggars belief. I don't think its true by the way, there are lots of pluses to being only children.

I think you should read through the comments here about happy only children, and then next time someone comments, tell them how insensitive they are - if you can be bothered. Otherwise just feel sorry for them and their stupidness.

People seem to have something say no matter what.
No kids? Why not? Can't you have them? (My friend Has had this, very hurtful)
All same gender? Bet you wished your last was a boy/girl
More than two-must be mad etc

There was a thread on here a while go that I think I contributed to and it was about siblings being abusive rather than parents.
Many people spoke of having a (usually) elder sibling who was abusive. Mine hit me, called me names (and not just in a childish way, it was when they were older and is was bullying and nasty), undermined everything I did, taunted me, impersonated me, warned me every year they had told the teacher I was moving too what a nasty child I was and they had told their teacher off me for everything and I am gonig to have a bad time in the next class.

When I was ill I was told i was lying and making it up and doing a dying swan act and being melodramatic.

My privacy was invaded. The toilet door didnt have a lock and whenever I used it they would barge in to talk to me about nothing at all and stand there watching for ages which meant I couldnt move as I was an early teen and didnt want to move until they had gone so it went to a standoff where I couldnt move and they wouldnt move and kept staring at me sitting on the toilet whilst standing in the doorway. They always did it when mum wasnt looking, the few times she caught her she yelled at her to leave me alone in the bathroom.

She pushed me around non stop and behaved like a second mother, albeit a very nasty, childish and abusive one as she was a child herself. I couldnt do anything natural or normal I'd get picked on and abused for it. I spent my whole childhood wondering why she was so nasty and how I could make her be nicer.

She watched me at school an ran home to mum to report me for things she thought I shouldnt be doing. I would get taunted all day about how I was going to be in big trouble at home and laughing at me all day when she saw me in mutual areas like the playground reminding me.

She still did this at 6th form college when we were over 16 and verging on adulthood. She watched who I hung out with and what I did and reported everything back so I had no privacy.

I have to say the sibling thing is an utter myth. I can honestly say my childhood would have been so much happier had I been an only child and my sister had never existed.

My experience was so bad, I will stop at one child if I ever have any.

I think people underestimate how much effect sibling have on your formative years.

It is hurtful and stupid if people make rude comments but I think you're being a bit over sensitive because you aren't happy with your family size.

I've only skimmed the OP's responses, so have no idea if that is the case, but I can assure you I had one child by choice, am not remotely sensitive about it (as well as being a fairly upfront kind of person), and I still find the string of comments, head-shaking, tutting, unwanted pity down the years very irritating and presumptuous.

It's particularly annoying when they convert one of DS's good points into a tragic side effect of him being a Lonely Only. Like some stranger will praise his confidence or ability to talk to adults (he's 4)and then shake their head and say 'Oh, it's because he's an only child -- he's only ever around adults, the poor little mite!' Or when someone says he's very imaginative, which is true, and then comes the headshake and 'It's because he's an only child and has no one to play with!'

You'd be amazed what can be turned into a side-effect of him being an only child - the fact that he's very sociable ('He has to be, the poor little man, with no other children at home!'), good at spelling ('Of course he is, he's not competing with anyone for your help with homework!') etc etc.

Sometimes it's funny, to be fair, but it's astonishingly presumptuous. I don't cluck and tut over whether people choose to have enormous families or stay child free, have twenty-year gaps between their children, or have ten months between them. Please extend my only child the same courtesy. I don't actually care that you once knew an only child who turned into a serial killer.

I've posted this on here before many name changes ago, but I found it hard to forgive my MIL when DH and I flew back to our home country to tell PILs and my parents we were having a baby ( I was 40, we'd always planned to remain childfree before deciding it might be interesting, so no one was expecting this) - DH is MIL's youngest of five and golden boy, and still when he told her, her first words were 'An only is a lonely!'

Wherever in life, people will judge you one way or another.

I have an only child, but I had DS very young (15)...(I'm now 22). I didn't want anymore children with DS dad as he was an abusive, useless, shit of a father. Though instead of leaving him when DS was young; I wasted 8 years in the hope he will change...he didn't-- and it's been 9 months since I've broken up with him.

I do get the "why is DS an only child" comments...people can see and judging by DS age that I had him very young so don't really comment any further. But there was woman who kept going on and on and on and on at me; calling me selfish, that DS will hate me etc and I snapped and I told her "that I didn't want another child by a guy who had been sexually, emotionally and physically abusing me and didn't want to put future DCs through that... I didn't want another child by a man who couldn't be arsed to provide for his child, especially as our child has SEN. I still want to work, do something for myself...do you really think his dad will be partly paying for childcare fees?! No he would just be spending his money on girls and weed. Why would I make my life more difficult by having another child with a man like that. Why ?!! I took that one chance to be happy in my life and left. If that meant that it will just be DS and I forever. Then so be it. But I would rather have the one child than struggle with four children with an abusive twat like that".

Yes it was a very heated argument and I probably said too much. The woman now avoids me whenever she sees me.

But what I wanted to say OP is that everyone gets judged. Being a teen mum, having a child with SEN, breast feeding, not breast feeding, having 3 kids, having one child, being a SAHP, being a working mum.

When you owe your life ( like I eventually did) you would stop caring.

I have 3 siblings and we are not close at all! We don't get along and I rarely see them.

Im not maternal. I chose to only have one and I am sticking by that. I give all the love and care I possibly can to my DS. I couldn't cope with two, wouldn't want to. That's my choice.
Some people don't have the choice, which is sad.
Commenters can be blase and just not think that they are upsetting anyone with their words.
Dont take it to heart. Just be glad you aren't as thoughtless as they are.

pinkie, I didn't think I could cope with two, I didn't want more than one - but I didn't have a choice, I got two (at once!).

People assume I must be delighted at the "bonus child" and gush about how wonderful twins are and yes, I wouldn't swap them now. But if I ever have the temerity to suggest I actually would've been perfectly happy with just one, I'm an ungrateful bitch.

People are idiots at times. Ignore.

Would you consider giving her a sibling? Lots of children to adopt who need a home...(I haven't read the whole thread, just the first page, and it seemed to imply you wanted another child but couldn't. Sorry if I'm out of order)

Pros and cons to small and big families!

I have one child, I'm happy with that. Never particularly noticed cruel comments about it tbh, could it be because you're very sensitive about the subject that you notice things more?

Also YY to the adoption.

If my DD ever gets a sibling it will be because we've managed to buy a bigger house & will adopt

As I've posted below I was and remained a very happy "only".

I did get comments as I grew up (and even now) asking if I wish I'd had siblings - but the answer has always been a resounding no.

As I kid I'd see friends getting older siblings knackered cast offs, being teased and bullied etc and as such I never had a romanticised view of what having a sibling would be like. I actually felt grateful I didn't.

I had lots of friends - who in part I think enjoyed playing at my family home as well as my company because it wasn't over run by brothers/sisters intruding and being annoying!

As to the issue of being spoilt as and only. Unequivocally I was, but not materially. I was the focus for all the love, attention, enthusiasm and great parenting that gave me self confidence and self belief in the sense that I was only limited by my own determination and willingness to work hard in getting out of life what I wanted.

I never had endure being compared to a prettier, cleverer, better behaved sibling - my only "competition" in life was against my own aspirations.

Finally - the lonely only!

I had lots of friends to be around if I wanted and never felt lonely. To be honest I always did (and still do) enjoy my own company. Some people don't get the difference between being alone and being lonely. As a Mum who works full time I relish the very rare time I get to myself - preferably with a great book! It's no different to me as a child - I'd happily sit for hours with my nose in a book until DF/DM kicked me out of the house to play and "get some fresh air" when I'd call at friends and we would concoct some scheme to entertain ourselves.

It's inevitable that at some point some behaviour/cause to celebrate will be assumed to be a result of being an only - as in things like not wanting to loan a precious FE old book from my GF to a classmate who treated books like notepads meaning I was a selfish only or A Levels "well you were bound to do well because your parents only had you to tutor and focus on" my parents were teachers, now retired, but quite frankly after a day in the classroom the LAST thing they wanted to do was tutor me and I didn't want them too either!! but for me at least it was just water off a ducks back and didn't bother me at all.

Sorry that was a bit longer than anticipated!! I'm obviously just a very enthusiastic "only"

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YANBU to be fucked off with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the time. The fact that other people haven't seen the same posts on the same threads as you doesn't mean you are wrong about having seen them. You might hang out on completely different threads from them.
I've seen people be annoyed about criticism of formula feeding on MN. I never see the posts as I obviously don't go on the rights threads. Doesn't mean i don't believe the criticism doesn't happen if people say it does.

DanicaJones I didn't mean my post like that, I just have no reference to gage the level off pissed off-ness (word?) that would be reasonable. And I think that's what other posters are probably meaning by it.

Sorry just remembered another of my DM's responses.

If asked about me being lonely she'd usually respond with a big smile and comments along the lines of "Eats lonely??? She gets to play with her friends when she wants and spend time alone when she wants. She enjoys the opportunity to have the choice!!"