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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only children - To be utterly fucked off

210 replies

JackShit · 10/11/2016 08:13

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

OP posts:
Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 09:35

DD is a little spoilt tbh, I admit it. I also bust my arse to organise playdates or activities several times a week and we do cool things together too. Lately I'm encouraging a little more chilled play by herself to provide a bit more balance as I think my parenting has been too intense due to my skewed perspective on this.

OP posts:
NarcsBegone · 10/11/2016 09:37

I have a only child and I get a few comments and I do see where you are coming from in a way because I think you do feel the need to compensate.
I am also in a position where we don't have many other children 'around' us and for years I really worried about this and ran myself ragged trying to micro manage things to 'make up' for it but I signed my Ds up to clubs and he socialises at them and school and I know now that he is doing ok and I'm doing ok as his mum.
I am however often grateful that I only have one child (I realise not everyone is, I'm not trying to be insensitive) when I see other parents at their wits end because their dc won't stop fighting or they attend different schools and have to juggle that or have different clubs on the same nights etc. I know that with the illnesses I have now that I would struggle to do all of that. My Ds is also autistic and that brings its own challenges.
Your friends don't sound very supportive especially if as you say it's not through choice that you don't have more dc.

RachelRagged · 10/11/2016 09:38

Indeed Blu . My Aunt is not the most motherly of women I must say . My cousin was never without, but she would have traded every material thing given to her (and there were, and are, lots)for at least one sibling. Fact is my Aunt had 3 miscarriages , all after my cousin was born, and then had a major op wherein after no pregnancies would have been possible anyway. Aunt does not mourn those loses and it was all a very long time ago.

She felt lonely because she was lonely as a child , hence her having 5 and what she told me. My Aunt did allow friends in to play (but not stay over as they all lived pretty close anyway) and on occasion a friend would go on their holidays with them and my cousin.

Vagndidit · 10/11/2016 09:39

I'm an only child who has an only child of her own. I've given up caring what others may say or think about the matter. In both situations, we are only children by circumstance (endometriosis/infertility) and not by choice.

I've made a choice not to get rattled by the opinions of others, no matter what the situation is. After all, opinions are like arseholes; we all have one. Some just keep theirs tidier than others :)

And if that fails, I'm not above replying "Yeah, infertility's a bitch" to anyone who puts down only children.

Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 09:42

So many helpful comments here, even the ones telling me IABU, thank you - quite civilised for AIBU Grin Really helps just to get it out.

OP posts:
redthefraggle · 10/11/2016 09:42

OP, I don't think organising activities and spending time together is neccessarily spoiling your DD; I have two and did this with both, it's just encouraging them to have relationships with different people. Both are teenagers now and would literally spend all day on their own in their rooms given the chance! (As did I when I was a teen along with millions of others!)

DisneyMillie · 10/11/2016 09:43

Don't let it get to you - I'm an only child and it has never been an issue for me (besides being a bit spoilt by my parents Grin). I just made close friends growing up instead.

The only negative I can see is when your parents are older there's no one to share the burden but then that can happen in larger families too.

Jellybean83 · 10/11/2016 09:46

I actually like threads like these, esp the comments from other only children...they are so reassuring and make me think that DS is going to be ok.

divineinterruption · 10/11/2016 09:48

I think people often forget that for some of us the amount of children we have is not by choice. I'm sure it's extra hurtful to hear negative comments about having an only child when it isn't by choice. i'm sure larger families get negative comments too, but i've never heard of anyone who accidentally had a large family (except of course quadruplets, sextuplets etc)

PoldarksBreeches · 10/11/2016 09:48

The idea that 'proper' life is two married parents, two or more kids is completely out of date. It is based in nothing more than heteronormativity and patriarchal familial constructs.
Children don't need siblings, they don't need both parents at home, they equally don't need lots of attention or things. Having siblings is great sometimes and horrible at other times. I'm one of 4 and my parents are still married - would I have been happier if my mum had left him when I was a baby and it had just been the 2 of us? (She nearly did). Who knows. There are pros and cons to both the reality and the alternative.
I have one and I'm a single parent and will stay that way. I will not have any more by choice and I will not have a partner live with me while my ds is at home. That's the life that works for us and if anyone judges that then they are a dick and I'm not interested.

TheABC · 10/11/2016 09:48

You can't stop other people from running off their mouth before engaging their brain. You can refuse to let it hurt you (and perhaps have a few witty replies prepared alongside your Motherly Death Glare ).

MauiWest · 10/11/2016 09:49

OP, I think it's important that you also have your own life. Of course, everything is around your child, and that's how it should be, but you need to have something on the side: great job, or a hobby you are passionate about. Something that gives your kid a bit of space from you Grin At least when they are older, you never spend too much time with a toddler.

RachelRagged · 10/11/2016 09:49

DisneyMillie

The negative there , my cousin is becoming obsessed with that . It will be only HER that feels the pain of such a loss (we cousins would feel pain as well but I see her point in a way), only HER who would have to clear the house, sort the funeral, sell the house and all it entails (though she would of course have help , I for one would be by her side) and no sibling to help.

Its strange though , as my Aunt and my Mum are sisters and Mum adopted my brothers and sisters as she loves having us around her and our children when we visit . My cousin is invited to Christmas every year and along she and her children come and we have a fantastic time . This is what she wished she had had .

greenfolder · 10/11/2016 09:49

people are generally twats for expressing an opinion on any one's family set up.

Towardslight · 10/11/2016 09:50

You know, there are thousands of women who can't even have the one child. I know it might not be your choice, but life isn't always fair, and you have to just feel grateful you had one.

There will always be something that isn't quite right.

I have one. If I had my time again, I'd have had another. But that's how it goes.

The world is a far more shitty place for a lot of people. There are far worse things than having one child.

Rrross1ges · 10/11/2016 09:51

Personally I think the "I had another child so my PFB wouldn't be lonely" is bullshit. People have second/third etc children because they want to. Or, in my case, because DH and I fucked up the contraception Blush

Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 09:53

Maui (hehe) I have a really cool job that gives me time away to be an individual, which is definitely beneficial to my sanity!

OP posts:
Bluebolt · 10/11/2016 09:54

I do think the parents age will lead to questions about other children. I was 30 which is very late in my family that they assumed i was infertile. My two friends who have 1 child who had them later in life are not questioned but I have been around younger friends with an only child where the questioning seems more openly acceptable.

876TaylorMade · 10/11/2016 09:57

I'm having another one because we are a mixed race family. So we discussed it and thought it would be nice to have someone else that looks like our DD and with whom she can relate later on in life ( provided they like each other)....and throughout childhood. They will always be "different".

If it wasn't for that I would have only one and be fucking happy! I hate pregnancy! and husband is getting the snip soon!!!

LongDivision · 10/11/2016 09:57

I think it's important that society has variation - large families, small, only children, just boys, just girls, etc. It contributes to the richness of life, and ensures that there are a variety of ways of experiencing and thinking about the world. I'd be very afraid if everyone was forced and expected to have 2 children. Just ignore those people who think their way is the only way.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2016 09:58

I genuinely can't even imagine a scenario where someone would make a negative comment to me on having one kid. I was and still am occasionally asked if I wanted more, and the cheery. ."God no, only ever wanted one" always put an end to the topic. Probably that's why I'm bemused.

My daughter says she has occasionally been asked if she wanted siblings and her cheery "no way" puts an end to it as well, as said, most of her friends are jealous as they often can't stand their siblings, and most folks I know often wish they'd only had one as much as they love their kids.

I have a brother, i can't say he was my play mate or anything like that, I had my own friends. In fact he was a pain in the backside. People I know who have more than one kid, their kids are the same, they have their own individual groups of friends and often don't even get on that well.

I never busted a gut to organise stuff, or tried to get my daughter to play on her own, if she wanted to be with friends, she told me, we took her and collected or they came to the house, if she wanted to be with one or both of us, she was, and if she fancied doing something on her own she did. It was simply natural and organic.

My husband did more of the "playing" than me, as in football in the garden. Going to the park etc, playing monopoly or whatever, as I have a low boredom threshold and he loved all that, I was more the care giver, the talker, the organiser.

Now she's 19 and at uni, he stills is the more playful one, i.e. He plays PlayStation with her when she comes home and I sit and chat to her and watch crap things on tv which make us both laugh or buy her fav things in to eat.

It's about being loved and included.

RachelRagged · 10/11/2016 10:01

Oh , and OP, tell them to mind their own . . Its none of their business at all .

Incidentally, and I have never told my family this , or anyone, I would have traded places with my cousin anytime as to me, when the others were adopted, it brought its own issues ie am I not enough ? etc .

We worked through that years ago and I love them all but yes, there was a time I'd happily have traded.

HearTheThunderRoar · 10/11/2016 10:02

YANBU! I have one DD, she is 17 now, this was mainly through choice. I had a horrific birth, I was already an 'older' mum (36), DD didn't sleep through until she was 3 and our finances would be extremely stretched if we had a second. As it happens my DH died when DD was 12, and I don't think I would have coped (emotionally and financially) as a single parent of two children.

Various people keeper asking until DD was about 4 (we relocated 200 miles at about that time) whether we would have a second, including my own mother.

I am extremely happy with our decision, DD has had a happy upbringing and she's always had school friends to play with etc, her was also extremely close to my ex SIL DC as well (her cousins are much older).

People assume she's spoilt, she's not, no more than non only children. We've always lived a modest life, no fancy holidays, heaps of toys etc as we've never had a lot of money.

Enkopkaffetak · 10/11/2016 10:04

Dame Exactly - large families are a choice, whereas one child families are often not.

Often it is a choice to just have one as well. I know 7 families who has made that choice. They have no understanding for why we made the choice to have 4.

I comes from the same place though. YES I find it utterly infuriating that people think it is acceptable to make comments about my sex life. simply because I have 4. I know many wouldnt do that with 1 as I think they are more sensitive about the possibility of issues conceiving. (I hope at least)

however my point is you will get it on so many levels. People say a lot of shit that CAN be hurtful.. IF you allow it to be. If you have 1 child and a happy lloving family what does it matter that someone else thinks it = a spoilt child? You need to trust yourself and your abilities to raise a well balanced adult.

Having 1 or 19 doesn't in my opinion change your ability to do this .. What changes that ability is willingness. From the fact you feel hurt about the comments I suspect you have a lot of willingness to create a good family unit. So dont allow others to take that away from them with their narrowmindedness.

PavlovianLunge · 10/11/2016 10:07

OP, I'm an only, and had a good childhood - I would sometimes wonder what it would be like to have siblings, but never did I feel that I was missing out. I think it made me more self-reliant in terms of keeping myself entertained, but I've always been happy to be on my own. Whether that's nature or nurture, I don't know.

As I (and DM) get older, I do feel the pressure of being an only child of an aging parent, and sometimes think that it would be nice to have a sibling to share the responsibility. But then I look at DP's utterly useless brother, and read threads about dreadful siblings, and I get over it.

Anyway, it sounds like you're doing a great job, ignore the stupid comments and live your life - venting on here from time to time, if you need to.