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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only children - To be utterly fucked off

210 replies

JackShit · 10/11/2016 08:13

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

OP posts:
waitingforsomething · 10/11/2016 10:45

I have never met anyone in real life who has said this and the threads on here about only children, by choice or otherwise, that I have read have only ever been supportive.
Yanbu to be hurt but I'm surprised it's coming up so often in your life.

minniemoi · 10/11/2016 10:48

Why do you feel guilty?
As another poster said I see more people moaning about others making comments about only children than I hear anyone commenting.
I have an only (through choice) and I find it annoying when people like you feel they have to justify having one child by saying "it's not through choice" - that enforces the idea that it's cruel to only have one.
It's nobody else's business anyway.

HearTheThunderRoar · 10/11/2016 10:49

Rachel, thank you! Hasn't been easy but she brings joy to me every day.

And also echoing others, I grew up with 3 brothers, I am NC with my eldest, he is a complete twat (to put it nicely) and his wife is a bitch. He has done nothing to help my elderly mother who is in a rest home 200 miles away despite him being a better position than me (no dependent children, rich etc). A sibling does not mean a friend for life, I despised him growing up.

Thankfully my other two brothers are amazing, what I am trying to say it can be the luck of the draw.

yellowfrog · 10/11/2016 10:50

Please don't worry about her being the odd one out - she isn't, and it may never bother her even if she realises that onlies are a rarity. Plus, as an only, there is the fun of finding other onlies - it's like a secret club and you get a little thrill when you find another one :)

As to her making a great sibling - that's not a skill that is wasted - it will make her a great friend to people too.

Ps - love your user name pullups :)

yellowfrog · 10/11/2016 10:52

That last was to Flyingbytheseatofmypullups by the way :)

MrsHam13 · 10/11/2016 10:53

Ha I have three. I'm constantly telling friends who are thinking of trying just have one (two at a push). One must be so peaceful and calm compared to three. No screaming fights between them.

Yip I see nothing wrong with having one for whatever reason. I certainly wouldn't let people I don't know make me feel bad about any of the 'lonely' crap. You could have two that grow up and hate each other and go no contact. One sadly could pass away. You could have three and two bully and ostracize one so they grow up lonely.

redthefraggle · 10/11/2016 10:54

indieblack

I can hand-on-heart say I don't recall any negativity attached to being an only child; maybe I've been lucky, but like you have experienced other people's surprise at being a socially well-adjusted only as if I didn't talk to anybody growing up.

Like others I do sometimes worry about caring for my DPs as they get older, especially as they are divorced so looking after them together would not be an option. But there are so many with siblings who do not share the responsibility and, if additional care was required, no guarantee that they would be together if they were still together (iyswim) that I'll just have to crack on with it if/when that time comes, like so many others. I'm fortunate to have other supportive family who I know would help if I asked them. For this reason too, I don't think my parents feel guilt about leaving me on my own when they pass and nor should they.

I hope the responses on here have helped to put the minds of other parents of onlies to rest and Flowers for those who wished for more.

I think that once you're a parent you're pretty much 'damned if you do, damned if you dont' regardless of the size of your family, so Cake and Wine for everyone!

Enidblyton1 · 10/11/2016 10:55

Very sorry you feel this way - I would avoid that particular 'friend'.
However I do think you are being a little over-sensitive. People make comments all the time about children - I often get asked if I'm having a third one. My friend with 4 is always getting comments like 'was number 4 an accident' and 'how do you cope with 4?' It's just people trying to make conversation - albeit sometimes awkwardly.
If you are very happy with having one child, try not to let silly comments from others upset you.
I was an only child and loved every minute of it!

HearTheThunderRoar · 10/11/2016 10:56

Can I also say, I do think the amount of onlies have got bigger due higher living costs etc. I remember when my DD was small (15ish years ago), she was about the only at her Creche which I found hard at the time as she was 'different'. However I know more children born in around my circle are onlies.

BananaThePoet · 10/11/2016 10:58

My son is the only child we've had.
That was by choice because he was born with a progressive genetic disorder which meant he would need a lot of attention and we didn't think we'd be able to devote the focus on him and give another child the attention they would also deserve and need to have a happy life.

We've never regretted our decision.
Our son has often told us how glad he was to be our only offspring and seeing how he turned out to be a very complicated and interesting person in all sorts of respects and not just because of the initially diagnosed condition we know we made the right choice for our little family.

He is in his mid twenties now.

Nobody has ever suggested to us that only having one child was unfair to him - maybe because they've met him!!! LOLS

He is a BIG personality and thankfully has grown into a kind, generous, friendly person who has managed to find good friends and make good relationships.

I hope you will be able to stop feeling hurt when people make sweeping statements. Their situations are different from yours - we are all doing the best we can with our own families and maybe for them only having one might feel 'wrong' for them - but that doesn't mean it is wrong for you and your family.

pooh2 · 10/11/2016 10:58

YANBU, people are often complete arses about only children. One of my closest friends is an only child and she finds it really upsetting when people casually say hurtful things. I think in a way it's a bit of a 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' scenario when it comes to the number of kids you have; but parents of only children seem to get it the worst Flowers

Graceflorrick · 10/11/2016 11:01

Why let it upset you? I have an only, not by choice and I see my friends struggling to manage their multiples, struggling with money and think, I wouldn't have chosen only one but;

Money is not an issue, I can buy her whatever she wants, take her to the theatre or day trips. She'll never have money worries as we're in the process of buying her a house now that she can rent/ sell when she reaches 18. We're going to put the rent into a savings account for her over the next 14 years.

We have fabulously lavish holidays.

She gets all our time and effort.

She's happy and well adjusted.

We have a lovely time and honestly I've more than accepted my lot. I'm very happy with the one amazing DC I have - you'll get there too. I feel now that it was a blessing Blush

Don't be cross with other people, be thankful for what you have.

gettingbythistime · 10/11/2016 11:02

I love you OP. Feel the same way. Ignore the cunts 😊😊😊😊

franincisco · 10/11/2016 11:03

Childcare costs have indeed been a motivating factor for a few people I know in choosing to have one child. My DB had his first child last year and they have now realized that their plan to have another 18 months later is completely out of the question due to nursery fees. They cannot afford another until dc1 is at school, by which time it may be too late.

katienana · 10/11/2016 11:05

I was asked if I'll try for a girl next. Made me feel shitty (said by someone with one of each). I said I would be thrilled if I had the opportunity to have another and another boy would be great, actually. People always have an opinion, it's very rude that this person voiced it to you.

GreyBird84 · 10/11/2016 11:12

Not the same but when pregnant with DS a 'friend' asked was the pregnancy planned.
I told her she was being very rude & it was none of her business.
I'm not usually so quick but god it fucked me off & im pleased it shut her up.
So try that line OP.

theAntsareMyFriends · 10/11/2016 11:14

I asked my DP if he has ever felt disadvantaged by being an only child. He said yes.

When he did his German GCSE he was given one mark for saying he was an only child while others got 2 marks for saying 'I have a brother/sister. Their name is X'. If that's the only disadvantage I don't think that too bad.

He was very happy as an only growing up and actually his 2 best friends got on so badly with siblings that they spent most of their time at his house.

PeanutButterJellyBeans · 10/11/2016 11:14

Here, here. Couldn't agree more, whether it's a personal choice or not. People can be so insensitive.

redthefraggle · 10/11/2016 11:15

katienana, some friends have three boys. They are constantly asked by complete strangers if they are trying for a girl. Their responses are much more polite than mine would be, but I know it annoys them immensely. It makes them think that others think their younger boys are in some way a disappointment to them, which is so far from the truth. What is wrong with some people?

Chemistria · 10/11/2016 11:16

hi

i haven't read the other replies as I'm at work and the system is slow.

I'm an only child and i absolutely LOVED my childhood / teenhood. don't get me wrong I would have loved a little sister or brother, but it's made me who I am today. i'm very independent and completely happy with my own company, I'd rather go off on an adventure on my own than with friends , sometimes I'll take OH and DS :-)

please don't feel bad,

I also had an amazing imagination as a kid, and was forever making up games and stories and books and designing stuff.

x

ShebaShimmyShake · 10/11/2016 11:20

I have two sisters, and excellent reasons for choosing to have just one child, none of which I am obliged to share with shrieking judgmental halfwits.

indieblack · 10/11/2016 11:21

In spite of my previous post I love being an only child and feel very lucky to be one. I like my own company and do feel it's made me more self sufficient and resilient. I'm always mystified by people nervous about going to the cinema/dining/traveling alone. I love it! I've always made friends and am far from a lonely bloody only.

I'll be responsible for elderly parents but so was my Mum who is one of 6 and still hurt by the lack of support from her siblings. At least I know what to expect.

OP ignore the idiots and enjoy your family and be proud of it.

Chemistria · 10/11/2016 11:24

indieblack same here, everything you said sounds like me!

unfortunately my mum died when i was quite young (early 20's) but i think i had enough support around me to cope, who knows whether a sibling would have made it more or less easy x

Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 11:26

Well...I came on here expecting a bit of a slating, but this has actually been a really helpful thread. So good to hear from onlies and parents of onlies and all the positives that come with it. Also good to have a hand hold from others who've been subjected to dickish views.

OP posts:
juneau · 10/11/2016 11:28

I have two, but DS1 frequently says he wishes he was an only! And actually, I have to admit that our life would be MUCH easier if we'd stuck with one, since the pair of them fight like cat and dog most of the time. DS1's best mate is an only and I can certainly see what a positive choice it is for him and his family (and could've been for us too, if we'd made that choice).