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Original poster

Only children - To be utterly fucked off

210 replies

JackShit · 10/11/2016 08:13

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

OP posts:
Thatwaslulu · 10/11/2016 09:12

I get where you're coming from OP, I was often asked if I hadn't wanted any more children after my DS. I used to just say that his older brothers and him were enough (they are his half brothers and much older than him, so colleagues weren't really aware of them) but then I started getting fed up of that and started saying I couldn't have more children and that was why he was our only, but although that does embarrass people and shut them up, they then pity you, I find.

FWIW, I was an only child until I was 10 and it was great. No sibling rivalry or fights, then I got first hand experience at looking after a baby and learning how to hold, feed and change one before I had my own. My DH was the middle one of 8 and doesn't really see any of his siblings, and envies my small family.

Fluffsnuts · 10/11/2016 09:14

I think yab a bit u and projecting your desire for more children on to the comments. I have an only child, very happily so and by choice and I know that research has shown only children are generally happier and more intelligent than multiples and parents of only children happier too. But that wasn't my reasoning, I simply don't want more children. People do comment but to me they aren't hurtful- I simply reply with "worse to have a child I don't want". But having and only is a choice for me (or at least I assume it is, we haven't tried for more!) so I suspect it feels very different.

thecatsarecrazy · 10/11/2016 09:17

You cant win in life. One child people will say its wrong, 6 that's wrong too, all boys oh you must be disappointed you didn't get a girl, if you have children and work that's wrong, if you don't work that's wrong too. Fuck um all.

chopchopchop · 10/11/2016 09:18

I'm with you, it can reduce me to tears sometimes. I have been pregnant five times and have one DD. As you say, I am very grateful for her, as some people don't get that chance, but sometimes I could jump down the throat of people who say that they feel sorry for her not having siblings. I do too, sometimes but it turned out there was nothing I could do about that.

With you entirely on the playdates as well.

PaniWahine · 10/11/2016 09:19

I'm the eldest of 4, plus various step siblings who have dipped in and out of the family dynamic as relationships have started, ended and repeated. The part was there was usually someone beside you going through the same shit, the bad was often you were forgotten by parents as there was so much shit to contend with. I personally stopped bothering to achieve academically as I got no recognition. It's made me a bit of a doormat / wallflower but my other siblings are bold and confident.
Two siblings have gone on to have one child a piece, the other two kids. The one child families are happy, the multi pack family are happy. Me, I'm infertile and have been with my DH for twelve years. It doesn't stop everyone asking when we are having kids. Anytime I put on weight, my MIL gives me a hug, pats my belly and gives me a hopeful smile. Now that hurts! But no one gets everything they want in life and I've got a DH I love and adore, and thanks to the DailyMail and whatever depressing story my Facebook friends are sharing on their timeline, I'm grateful that my life isn't as shit as some people's.
Tell anyone passing comment "We are happy how we are" If they push, give them a beady 'fuck off and die' look and say calmly "Its none of your business" (which I can't do to my MIL as she doesn't speak English)

roundaboutthetown · 10/11/2016 09:20

OP - it gets to you because it's not what you wanted, not because it's an intrinsically bad thing. It's a different experience, it doesn't have to be a lonely or inadequate one. You have to be a fantastic parent if you have an only child - getting the relationship right so that it is neither too intense nor too remote and lonely; ensuring your child has enriching social opportunities with peers, etc. You sound like a fantastic parent. You are aware of the possible negatives and are working against them. On the positive side, only children are often quite successful and confident.

DaCapoAlFine · 10/11/2016 09:20

I agree with you OP. I have an only child and I've heard this "cruel" stuff a lot. Also "it's so much easier for you with just one" No it isn't ffs. I'm a teacher and hear colleagues saying it about pupils too. Every type of behaviour, from underachievement to overachievement, from being quiet to being "attention-seeking", I have heard attributed to "typical only child". They can all shut up and fuck off.

Mineiswine69 · 10/11/2016 09:22

Most people I know only have one. It's the new trend!

redthefraggle · 10/11/2016 09:23

I'm an only child. Bloody loved it growing up and have never, ever felt like I was missing out by not having any siblings. I had a fantastic childhood with loads of friends, was encouraged to be independent which put me in good stead for later in life and had/have a great relationship with my parents, one of which is an only too.

Based on my experience I don't think anyone should or be made to feel guilty about just having the one, whatever the reasons. ( The one thing that does make my blood boil is the notion that all only children are spoilt; nonsense.)

Nowombattheinn · 10/11/2016 09:23

It's very personal how many children people have, some by choice others not. Unfortunately there are always judgey people, but really who cares what they think?! Sod them! I'm one of four and it was hectic, stressful and argumentative growing up! It depends on the parents I guess too and how they handle the number of children they have. And thinking about it, the brightest and most sociable and lovely child I know is an only, (and his parents are fantastic.). YANBU but don't let other misery guts people get you down.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2016 09:24

I honestly don't understand how only children are lonely? They should have lots of friends and be a loved part of the family unit, always included.

If an only child is lonely that's because of the parents. And being spoiled isn't something that happens to only kids, plenty of kids are spoiled who also have siblings. That's also bad parenting and nothing at all to do with how many kids uou have.

Bad parenting or very very old fashioned stereotypes nothing more nothing less.

dailymaillazyjournos · 10/11/2016 09:24

I've had loads of comments over the years. It's nobody elses business how many children you have and they are stepping on a minefield bringing up whether you're having more and if not, why not. It's shit but as pp's have said, if you have one and if you have more than three, people feel obliged to comment on it. Single parents are faced with "Don't you think children need a mother AND a father" etc. God knows why other people's families are public property when it comes to intrusive and thoughtless comments, but it always seems to have been. It is hurtful there's no getting round that.

Lostwithinthehills · 10/11/2016 09:28

I understand op. I have one child, I wanted a second but we can't have any more.

I think that having the choice of more children taken away from you makes thoughtless comments far more hurtful.

I have seen "Is this your first?", thrown into threads countless times on MN, and it is very often used as a way to put down the mother being questioned. PFB is also often used as a put down or criticism.

In real life I've had a lady who ran a playgroup (employed, not a volunteer) say "Aww.", in obvious pity towards my DD when I said she was an only. I didn't misread her.

I've also had comments from DD's teacher about her only child status being an issue, particularly with regard to sharing. Firstly, if my second baby had survived it would have been four months old at the time so my DD would not have been an only but would have learnt nothing about sharing from her sibling (like many of her class mates who have very young siblings). Secondly, the child who pushed my daughter off her feet twice and bit her in the week after the teacher spoke to me, because he wanted a toy my DD was playing with, is the youngest of three. I can't know, but I doubt the teacher attributed his behaviour to having siblings so I assume she has preconceptions about only children.

SnotGoblin · 10/11/2016 09:29

People handle things differently. You seem to have decided to take every stupid comment personally. It's going to be a rough ride for you. The stupid comments won't stop but you can stop how you react to them.

MauiWest · 10/11/2016 09:29

It is incredibly hurtful, but so many people are idiots. Just ignore them.

It can be a lot harder to have one child, because it requests a lot more input from the parents. You see some big families where the kids are just told to play together and leave their parents alone. You see these families where people go drinking at the weekend, so spend Saturday and Sunday with a hungover, completely ignoring the kids, or they dump them at kids clubs when they go on holiday.

Compare with a single child family, where you do fun activities every weekend, you just make sure your child is never bored. How many thread have you read here where people describe their kids holiday: watching tv and playing computer games? Then you have a single child who is meeting friends, doing sport and travelling.

Having a happy and exciting childhood or a very boring one has nothing to do with the number of siblings, it entirely depends on the parents. You know what you are doing with your child, ignore the haters.

Errppppp · 10/11/2016 09:31

They are rude and a bit stupid. I'd politely call them up on it.
I don't know if you realise what you just said but have you ever thought how how parents of single kids feel when you say things like that. Not that it's any of your business but For all you know they may have desperately wanted another child.You should think before you speak

I know you shouldn't have to and I know it might be easier said than done but you need to try to stop feeling so upset when people say these things and you also need to try and stop feeling guilty about 'only' having one kid. It's pointless.

You are a parent and you will always feel guilty about something but you should try to keep a reign on it. Iyswim

OohNoDooEy · 10/11/2016 09:31

Somebody being worse off doesn't diminish your right to feel upset.

People are insensitive and cruel about only children and life choices. I have been told that it is cruel to have an only (which is just silly - a LOT of people didn't enjoy their siblings as children).

I think that you need to stand up for yourself a bit - if you get a negative comment, have a standard response such as we are happy as we are, or that you would have liked another but can't. Both seem to shut people up.

OohNoDooEy · 10/11/2016 09:32

Somebody being worse off doesn't diminish your right to feel upset.

People are insensitive and cruel about only children and life choices. I have been told that it is cruel to have an only (which is just silly - a LOT of people didn't enjoy their siblings as children).

I think that you need to stand up for yourself a bit - if you get a negative comment, have a standard response such as we are happy as we are, or that you would have liked another but can't. Both seem to shut people up.

LuchiMangsho · 10/11/2016 09:32

I agree with a PP that your desire for a second may be causing you extra hurt. I am an only child. My parents' choice. Never missed a sibling. Never felt sorry for myself. Have a huge group of friends. DH and I both wanted just one. 5 years later we are hopefully having a second. But NOT because I was unhappy being an only child or because DS was in any way deprived of a sibling. People are insensitive about loads of things that are personal.

Also don't feel the need to arrange constant play dates. My parents never did. I had friends all day at school and quite enjoyed my downtime at home. (And all my cousins are 14-15 years older so I didn't have a great deal of close family either).

Jellybean83 · 10/11/2016 09:32

I understand where your coming from OP, I only have one as well and it's mainly in RL that I get the comments. It's just silly little comments people say without thinking, but when you have an immense sense of guilt in regards to only having one then they do all add up and really have an affect. My mum is the worst for them. 🙄

gamerwidow · 10/11/2016 09:33

It is hurtful and stupid if people make rude comments but I think you're being a bit over sensitive because you aren't happy with your family size.
I've only got one child but negative comments don't bother me because it's through choice.
There is no perfect size for a family, hopefully you'll feel happier with your family size in time and these comments won't have the power to hurt.

Fintress · 10/11/2016 09:33

Personally I couldn't give a flying feck what people said or thought in their ignorance. I was diagnosed with a serious illness after my daughter was born (still being treated for it) and went through an horrific time. My daughter was 6 months old before I was able to take her out on my own, For 3 months I needed help every day as I couldn't even change a nappy far less pick her up on my own, I suffered horrific pain both physically and mentally. Thankfully my family and friends were extremely supportive and not one of them even breathed the words 'another baby'.

The only issue I had was my ex MiL telling my daughter that I was so ill because I had her. That took a lot of repairing I can tell you. Still stings all these years on.

Damselindestress · 10/11/2016 09:34

YANBU, people shouldn't make such personal comments about other people's family size, especially when it's not always a choice and even if it is a choice it should be respected. There is no one size fits all. The lonely only is a stereotype. Not all siblings get along. I know many siblings that were like cat and dog growing up and only get along as adults, including my brother and I. I know some others that don't even get along as adults. A sibling is not a guaranteed friend. If an only child has opportunities to interact with other children through school or hobbies then they should be absolutely fine and may even benefit from their parents being able to provide them with more individual attention and resources.

Errppppp · 10/11/2016 09:34

I forgot to mention that you need to hang out with different people. If you have honestly heard all of those comments then I'm ShockShock at the people you know

redthefraggle · 10/11/2016 09:34

Also, just to add Re; the lonely thing.....

When people find out I am an only child I am often asked if I was lonely growing up. My response is usually to ask if they only played with their siblings. 100% the answer is no, they had friends of their own. Well so did I and have never recalled feeling lonely as a child.

People can be so damn judgy, frankly it's none of their business. If you and your child are happy, sod 'em!