Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Only children - To be utterly fucked off

210 replies

JackShit · 10/11/2016 08:13

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

OP posts:
Ginger4justice · 10/11/2016 08:33

Grinchy people still comment on the age gap you have. In short often people suck and assume everyone has far more control over their baby-making than anyone actually has.

OP I've not seen it on here, but I found the assumption we should have more than one desperately hurtful when DD was an only child and often ended up being rather more blunt and open than I probably should have been. Flowers

Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 08:36

Dame Exactly - large families are a choice, whereas one child families are often not.

OP posts:
Jackiebrambles · 10/11/2016 08:36

People are twats aren't they. They just don't think sometimes.

Thewolfsjustapuppy · 10/11/2016 08:38

There is a lot on mumsnet that is easy to take offence over. But I think you are being a tad over sensitive. I would suggest avoiding threads about parenting and pregnancy.

LucyFuckingPevensie · 10/11/2016 08:40

Yanbu. I have seen comments on here about one child families, not so much in rl though, but I suppose that's because I have had a chance to filter the cunts out of my life.
Thanks

Pluto30 · 10/11/2016 08:41

I'm an only child.

I liked it 95% of the time. The other 5% of the time I wished I'd had a sibling (not anymore). But I was fortunate to grow up next door to another girl the same age as me, and we essentially became sisters. We're still friends now.

There are a lot of positive statistics about only children, OP. You can find them all online if you want to cheer yourself up. Smile

I have a closer relationship to my mum than any of my friends have with theirs. I was fortunate enough to get a good education (finances would've been too stretched if I had siblings). I'm confident, well-adjusted, went on to get a good education, a good job, have good friends and never got into any real strife during my teen years. I'd say being an only child didn't do me any harm.

Pluto30 · 10/11/2016 08:43

Also, because I forgot to put it on my last post:

Yes, I am an only child out of circumstances. My dad died when I was 9mo and my mother then got into a relationship with a man with three fairly young children, so they chose not to have any together (just as well because they're not together now!)

And not all siblings get along. In fact, I think I know more siblings who don't like each other, or only get along less than half the time, than I know siblings who get along like everyone expects them to!

perditalost · 10/11/2016 08:44

People just link it to their own experience.

My MIL was an only child and so had a big family as she felt lonely as a child- she is adamant that single children families are wrong- if you have a choice and her parents didn't. She is quite vocal in real life about this!

My DH disliked having loads of siblings (well mostly he hated having newborn babies around when he was a teenager more) ands so was insistent on a small family. He is also quite convinced! Interestingly non of his siblings have more than 2.

It isnt wrong to have views- maybe just how they are expressed.

Bluntness100 · 10/11/2016 08:44

Dame Exactly - large families are a choice, whereas one child families are often not.

DonttouchthatLarry · 10/11/2016 08:45

I'm an only child and used to wish for a sibling when I was younger. However, seeing the arguments and disagreements between siblings over inheritance, caring for elderly parents and just everyday falling out over all sorts of things I'm actually quite glad now! I don't feel I've missed out at all.

TinyTear · 10/11/2016 08:45

I so understand you... After 2 miscarriages to add to the 3 before my first child and lots of treatment I managed to have my second, but those years... goodness, the insensitive comments! the oops just had an accident look at my child! the alpha queen bee wendy bloody woman in my first birthgroup with her 5 children ranting about how selfish only children were (look at your own selfish brats woman, how you keep popping them because you want another girl)

and breathe...

RachelRagged · 10/11/2016 08:48

One of my cousins is an Only.

She hates it . It doesn't help that her DM has in the past said "Oh I'm glad I only had you , I couldn't cope with more" which makes her think she was a handful and her own fault she has no siblings , which of course if untrue.

Cousin went on to have 5 children in the end as "none of them will be lonely, and they have each other to turn too".

A friend , on the other hand, is also an Only and had the best of everything, as pps said money was not much of a hassle with the one child and she done Brownies, Irish Dancing, Judo, Music Lessons ..

TapDancingPimp · 10/11/2016 08:48

quite often a single child wasn't a choice and there's a lot of sadness attached to these comments about not being able to have more.

This x 100. It hurts like hell, especially when it's still raw.

Peanutbutterrules · 10/11/2016 08:51

Yep...I get this too. There is a very negative stereotype of only children as spoiled little flowers.

It's Bollocks! I'm afraid the correct answer to your 'friend' is 'oh do fuck off' or if you are feeling more generous 'oh how absurd'. Now...if you want something more pointed go for 'well...let's not go there as we can both say cruel things if we want to'.

My DD asked if I'd wished I'd been able to have more children the other day (I was exceptionally lucky to have one!). The answer...nope.

Never regret not having what you can't have. Its all about choices or finding the good in the cards life deals you - not right or wrong.

I have several friends who had one child by choice and are very vocal if people have the nerve to comment negatively. A strong reaction means you only hear it once...

Blu · 10/11/2016 08:55

People do make comments on here, casually thrown into posts and threads that are not specifically about only children or siblings .

They also ascribe many character traits (always negative) to being an only child even though there is no evidence (there have been studies) that this is the case. 'Description of bad behaviour, by child or adult male' response 'are they an only child?'.

It is prejudice, or the mindless small talk , and as people say, the equivalent is said to families of all sizes and gender make-ups.

Your friend is very very insensitive , OP, and I would raise it with her in a factual , direct way and let her know. She may well be horrified with herself and apologise.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 10/11/2016 08:55

don't read the comments, they come from silly and insensitive people

that's all. people chat shit

randomsabreuse · 10/11/2016 08:57

I'd say if the parents make an effort (and don't work very long hours) being an only can be great but where there a limited or no play dates (no transport, unable to reciprocate) no local cousins and your only afternoon companion is a much older au pair (who would prefer you to shut up so she can watch eldorado in peace) it's less fun.

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty - it's my own feelings of guilt that my DD could well be an only combined with my own childhood experiences that really cause me problems. Fortunately most of our friends know why there's a possibility that our DD will be the only one so no hassle other than from my own guilt!

Blu · 10/11/2016 08:57

Rachel: it sounds as if the parenting was the problem, not the 'only' status. Some parents make any circumstances 'all about them' and blame the kids Sad

Purplebluebird · 10/11/2016 09:05

We have one child, half by choice, half by circumstance. I used to get upset when people said nasty things, and still to some extent do. Because they do! My grandad (whom I normally get along really well with) told me that I can't have an only child, because he would become selfish and egoistic. Now he has understood that I cannot have more due to my health, he is more understanding.

Bonuses I can think of with an only child...

  • More time
  • Better finances
  • More space
  • More freedom
  • Easier/affordable travel (I'm not from UK so it's important to travel home as often as possible)
  • More possibilities with after school activities
  • Easier to form close relationships with friends

I grew up as a middle child of 3, but because we have 8-9 years in between us (9 between me and younger sister, 8 between me and older sister, so 17 between the two of them!) I have never felt happy with having siblings. It was very difficult to grow up with these two, and in fact I have never lived with both of them at the same time, as the older one moved out at 17. I often felt like an only child, and tbh it didn't bother me. My sisters were sources of upset and frustration instead of support and happiness. It's better now thankfully.

Carriecakes80 · 10/11/2016 09:06

Lol Everyone at some point who has kids will hear something, like someone else said, unless you have 2.4 kids, you will hear crap from someone! I have four, two boys and two girls, I got the 'Oooh did you carry on until you got a girl then!' and 'Ooh, four kids in this economy, rather you than me!' or 'Don't you worry that with your little ones, your older children get ignored' and words to that effect!

Who gives a shite, are you happy? Is your child happy? They know no different! My best mate at school was an only child but she was never lonely from what I could see, as her Mum was always taking us out or letting her have a crowd of us from school round, she always went on nice holidays, and she is so close to her Mum now. There are points for and against pretty much everything in life, so you go with what makes you happy, and if anyone wants to pee on your parade, lose 'em! x

Original poster
JackShit · 10/11/2016 09:08

Ugh. It has just occured to me how bloody insensitive my OP and attitude is Hmm

I was always told I would never have children due to a serious health issue. DD was a surprise and a most welcome one at that.

BUT how many people would give everything to have just one?! In that sense IABVVU

OP posts:
originalmavis · 10/11/2016 09:08

I once bumped into a nanny who I used to chat to at baby music classes when ds was small.

He was about 5 and she started quizzing me did I have any more kids? Why not? Then told me several times that I must have more children. She was following me about the store going on about how awful it was for only children, how he would be spoiled and lonely, who would look after me in my dotage?

All very uncomfortable and embarrassing. Now I would tell her to piss off and mind her own business.

Mum was an only, dad 1 of 4, I have loads of siblings, I worked for a woman who was 1 of 10... nobody's damn business !

FleurThomas · 10/11/2016 09:09

The judgement is there when you don't have kids & have a reasonably prestigious job. Everybody assumes I want to be a 40+ career mum & call me selfish for it, when in fact I've been ttc for years. Women always get shit for everything.

pinkunicornsarefluffy · 10/11/2016 09:11

I had one child by choice due to health issues and never wanting to go through labour ever again! But even if I had changed my mind, XH cleared off when DD was 3, so it wouldn't have happened anyway.

If people ever dare to be so ignorant as to say anything to me about one being a lonely child, I point out that it is hard enough bringing up one on my own, thank god I didn't have two.

It is nobody else's business what you do with your life.

Only1scoop · 10/11/2016 09:12

I get you Jack

I spend enough nights lying awake worrying about dd, the comments are not nice....especially your friends 'feeling sorry' for dd.