Only children - To be utterly fucked off

[JackShit]

...with reading constant hurtful posts on here all the damn time?!

"Ooh I could never have just one, that would be cruel"

"I want to give DS a sibling as it would be unfair otherwise"

Lonely...fucking blah blah.

Do you have ANY IDEA how hurtful this is? God I wish people would STFU.

Both myself and my DH are only children.

One by choice the other not.

We are even if I say so myself successful and social people.

I have only one biological child (DH has 2).

There is this perception about only children being spoilt and in some way mal-adjusted. It's just utter bollocks. Lots of studies have concluded that "only's" generally perform better than "multiples" academically, socially and in their career.

When people trot out shit about only children it just betrays their own lack of knowledge and prejudice.

There's clearly nothing wrong with wanting many children - but neither is there with only wanting or having one.

Truth is I thing most people have siblings and they can't conceive a life without them and thus feel that way about their children. That's totally understandable as long as they realise that as an only I can't conceive my life with siblings!!

I don't (and never have) felt I missed out, and quite frankly given some of the terrible relationships my friends have with their siblings I feel I been bloody lucky to be honest . DH feels the same way.

Upshot OP is don't let it wind you up. It's just people being ignorant and insensitive - their issue not yours.

I am sorry for your loss of DH Hear
Sounds like you done a sterling job ..

Yes the spoilt bit , my cousin got all of that but the funny thing is she was not spoilt at all .
She got the dance lessons and the music lessons etcetera but so did I and a sister , not at the same times though as age gap . It really used to wind her up to the point of anger ,, which I told her the bullies wanted , but hearing it a lot as a child was not nice for her . Another reason she wanted more than one "none of MY kids are going to be bullied for having no back up" (her words).

HI OP I sympathise.

If you're anything like me, I suspect that the comments get to you because of what they imply about something none of us want to think about - your only child after you're gone.

Not saying that people shouldnt feel royally fucked off with people making comments about their larger families (why does anyone say anything??!!) but what really gets under my skin about the comments I've heard regarding my only is that I do have a horrible unspoken terror about leaving her all alone in the world after DH and I are gone.

And yes yes, she'll (touch wood) be grown up by then and have friends and a partner and maybe kids of her own.

But that niggling sadness, logical or illogical, about your orecious child being 'alone' one day is, I think, what upsets some parents of onlies rather than just simply rude and silly comments about family size.

I absolutely love having an only, and it's (sort of) through choice (complicated; I might techincally be able to have another but there are sensible reasons to stop at one) but still, this thought occupies a huge part of my brain. And I hate it. And any time anyone says something unthinking about 'giving her a sibling' or 'giving her a friend for life' it triggers that terrible wave of dread in me.

Sorry OP, it's not nice and you need to get rid of that 'friend.

And listen to the wise advice on this thread about the (very real) pleasures of having just the one. (Just as pleasurable as having more, just different)

And come onto the One Child Families board if you need a boost.

But I get what you're saying, i think, and sorry if I've put words in your mouth.

Another reason she wanted more than one "none of MY kids are going to be bullied for having no back up

I only want one child.
'Only' having one will mean i will be more financially able to help with things like driving licence, uni, first car etc. Whilst keeping my lifestyle of having horses and being me. More than one child would wipe that kind of help out completely.

I have 2 brothers who are 8 & 10 years older than me, we were never close as children, so having a sibling doesn't mean you get all that fluffy family love stuff, i certainly don't feel deprived or anything.

Totally respect the people that have the finances and time to have more than one though! Just like they should respect the choice (or not through choice) of those that 'only' have one.

People sometimes don't think in general before opening their big gobs (or virtual ones). When my twins were a few weeks old a mum at a baby group looked at me in pity and said "oh i couldn't have twins, I could never split my love between them." WTF. I was actually feeling pretty pleased with myself for making it out the house up till then but ended up sneaking out in tears. The size/make up of your family may not be down to choice or if it is what business is it of anyone else to comment on!

Our DD is (so far) an only at nearly 3yo, and we are just starting IVF cycle number 4 this year in an attempt to give her a sibling. We desperately want another child, as you can probably tell.

I have seen insensitive comments online, but not encountered in real life. Several families we know have one child by choice, and a couple by circumstance. It is so common around here (London) that no one bats an eyelid. If we do manage to get pregnant, I think some people will be surprised.

What a lovely bunch you are

So helpful to read these perspectives and I'll definitely be taking all your comments on board and trying to move forward more positively.

Possibly the daftest thing someone has said to me about only having the one:

'You have four bedrooms in there, you need to fill them!'

Yes. I have 'surplus' bedrooms and must therefore go through the traumatic (for me) process of ttc, pregnancy and labour at least once more.

Even my GP, who diagnosed me with my fertility problem in the first place, when I said we're only having the one, came out with a surprised expression and, 'Well, some people do do that, yes.' Like I'm some kind of weirdo.

People are strange. YANBU.

Dear Lord lilo, what on earth are people THINKING???!!!! I think I'm sometimes guilty of jabbering too much and might say things that aren't ideal (I'm possibly guilty, now I think of it, of saying to mums with large families, 'wow, I don't know how you do it', I'm trying to be complimentary but after thinking about it maybe they're taking it the wrong way) but how on earth do people end up saying things like that?

I think I read once on MN 'People are stupid and say stupid things'. I don't usually like calling people stupid but honestly, sometimes it's the only thing that helps.

My Mum used to respond when asked why she didn't have more after me "well you can't improve on perfection can you" with a smile and cheeky wink

Disclsimer: whilst I would like to be practically perfect in every possible way like Mary Poppins, no-one actually believes this apart from my mum and dad

I have only 1 child, and his cousin lives in other country, so hardly ever meet.
I never experienced any negative comment about him being only child in rl, maybe because he has so many health issues people suspect why.
Also most of my close friends have only 1 child, so I don't feel that bad about it.
As for the hurtful post, just don't read it.
I just think about positive things you can do for your dc.

I've been quizzed before. I split with abusive XDP when DS was 3. Had XP not been a total cockwomble abusive I wanted a 4 year age gap.

It's been 6 years and I've yet to meet anyone who's been decent enough to have a LTR with, let alone a baby!

So when people ask "Do you want more?" I often say "If I have the chance" (I'm 35 though, so who knows? Luckily women in my family are still very fertile over 40 - there have been a few 'surprise' babies each generation!)

But when they say "You should have another." I'm more confrontational now. If I like the person I say "Well, you find me a nice bloke and I will." If I think they're an annoying cunt don't like them so much I get TMI and say "Well, you go find me some sperm and I'll get on with it." Either answer effectively shuts down the conversation.

My DS would love a sibling, particularly a sister. I don't care about age gaps - there's over 7 years between me and DSis. DF has big gaps between each of his siblings - born either side of the war, then he was the 'surprise' baby born in the 1950s. His eldest sibling moved out before DF had even started school!!

Before DS said he wanted a sibling I was happy with having one. He's even been bullied at school for being an only - ironically enough by the IVF child who only has a twin by a very narrow margin according to his mum. There are several other onlies in his year group, but he's the only one in his class. So I'm really only interested in having another because he has actually expressed that he would like that. If he hadn't said anything I'd probably be fine with it.

I would love to live in the bubble some PPs live in. I'm an only and I'm used to negative responses if it comes up. I've had strangers, midwives and family members tell me that onlies are weird, selfish etc. The amount of people who tell me they're surprised to find out I'm an only as I'm quite normal! Worryingly they think it's a compliment (and we're supposed to be the ones with poor social skills)

Here's my twopennorth, for what it's worth.

I don't know anyone, including myself, who's had an only child by choice. And it's been pretty miserable, watching all my NCT friends go on to have second and third children.

Luckily I've never had any negative comments in RL but it doesn't stop you thinking and worrying. Our society had demonised the 'spoilt only child' for decades, I remember it being bandied about when I was a kid (best friend was an only).

Either our children will be lonely, or spoilt, or as adults will have to deal with things like ageing parents alone.

Most of the time DD is fine, but other times she talks about wanting a sibling, and she loves her days out with a friend who's one of three.

And I know that my own mental disposition doesn't help, I stopped at one because I couldn't put myself through any more MCs, but I know I would have found it almost impossible to cope, I struggled with one 'easy' baby. And of course that's a failing, isn't it.

All a bit rambling. But for you, OP. You're not alone - and nor is your DD.

People who say it's cruel to only have one child have clearly never been through pregnancy and childbirth...

...and if they have, they are either masochists or found the whole process very easy.

People do moan about only children being selfish and spoilt all the time, and if they are naughty, it is because they are only children. When my son did something at primary school the headteacher made a comment about him being an only child. That said, I don't know whether she would have made a similar comment if he'd been one of six. Perhaps she would!

I am a younger of 2 daughters. The number of people who would say to my DPs "Weren't you disappointed to not have a son" was unbelieveable. What was worse was that my DP, usually DM, would say yes. Even worse was her "We did think about adopting a boy but it wouldn't be the same". They were in their early 20s when I was born ffs. It was always made clear to me that "You should have been a boy" and that "We'd have had more children but your mother didn't want any more girls" and so on.
Big sis has 2 DSs. When 2nd one came along people would ask if big sis was disappointed DN2 wasn't a girl. When big sis was preg with DN2, DM said "What on earth does she want another baby for?".
Fortunately DN2 was much wanted and big sis was just glad to have a lovely healthy happy baby.

Sympathies OP, I've not had very much of the only child pity, but I know how awful it is to be desperate for a second child and not get one.

I was heartened once DD went to school and I realised that actually quite a few of her friends are also in one child families. Also hearing that nearly half of families in England and Wales are now one child families helped me feel less like we were doing DD a disservice: www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/2014/08/14/only-child-guilt-5-reasons-it-s-cool-to-stop-at-one_n_7324108.html

I agree, compared to people who haven't been able to have one child we are phenomenally lucky, but as with everything in life sometimes it's OK to feel a bit sorry for yourself.

I've got an only and can't think of any real negatives. Maybe I'm lucky but no-one has ever implied that there are any. DH occasionally remarks that if he'd known how nice kids were we might have started earlier and had more - but pointing out that kids vary and dont always get on brings him to his senses.

I certainly don't envy friends who are juggling multiple kids, sometimes jobs and sometimes not.

'A mothers place is in the wrong' unfortunately (notice dads don't get this criticism?)

'quite often a single child wasn't a choice and there's a lot of sadness attached to these comments about not being able to have more.'

I lost 3 to mc before my daughter, then due to a rare heart related condition of pregnancy almost died during her birth and was warned not to even get pregnant again.

Out of my friends

1 - pregnant at 18 - judged for being a teen mum, married the father (not shotgun by choice) still together 25 years later and is now a grandmother (and being judged for being a young gran now!)

2 - has 5 children, is an amazing mum and fabulous with children, also a foster carer - judged for having too many children, especially no 5 as he was born in her 40's, he was very much planned and wanted (she breezes through pregnancy and birth) but many assume he was an 'accident'

3 - had the 'acceptable' 2 children then fell pregnant unplanned but not unwanted in her late 40's, her eldest was 16 and she's had quite a few people assume the child is her eldests! Judged

4 - had her only in her late 30's, judged for him being an only and for having him so late - truth - years of ttc and fertility treatment then a still birth, she found having her son very hard going both physically and emotionally but wanted at least one if possible

5 - had her only early 40's - very much judged for only and late birth - truth - many health issues inc colon cancer

6 - had her only early 30's, ttc no 2 until recently deciding to stop trying as it wasn't happening and she's now 40.

7 - childless - very successful legal career, husband very successful financial career, people think they've decided not to have children because of their careers, truth - husband is infertile following treatment for cancer, they don't feel sperm donation or adoption is right for them - judged

It's nobody else's business! And I personally think it should become socially unacceptable to comment.

I've had numerous comments over the years both in real life and online. Only from people who don't know me that well as those close to me of course know what I've been through. I feel extremely lucky to have my daughter (even though she's 15 and tests my patience frequently at the moment ).

I'm the eldest of 3. My parents are shit! I no longer speak to my dad or sister, my relationship with my mother is tenuous at best, my brother I get on ok with. He was at one point a single resident dad, the amount of praise he got for doing what MILLIONS of mothers do was ridiculous! He never got comments to my knowledge regarding his son (at that point) being an only, he's since remarried and had another.

Errrrrpppps comment is excellent and I think I will use it (perhaps paraphrased) the next time some idiot tells me my daughter is disadvantaged by being an only.

As for spoilt - I know several NON only's who are very spoilt selfish entitled what's it's! That's down to parenting

I understand totally JackShit

I have secondary infertility. It is unexplained but its definitely me and three years of horrible, invasive fertility treatment didn't fix it.

For me it all depends on how the question is asked. A lovely teacher of DD's who I spend a bit of time with (and who experienced loss himself) asked "do you mind me asking if it was a choice" - I had no problem and we discussed how crap it all was and it was fine.

But I've had "oh don't you worry about what will happen when you're elderly" and "ALL the burden will be on her"

The worst was an elderly relative of now ex-H who used to do "DD wants to know when she's having a sister or brother mummy" or "DD will be so lonely, she doesn't want to be an only child".

When lovely, kind MIL intervened relative then told me I should do the decent thing and leave ex-H so he could find a wife who would give him more kids.

I also HAAAAATE when you say "yes we would have loved more but sadly we lost and couldn't have any more" - "oh well at least you have one" - so not only am I infertile you've just shut down my ability to grieve.

I'm afraid I'm very blunt these days and if it embarrasses people then

Another only-child here chiming in to say don't worry about your dd, she'll be fine - being an only is great! Being an only meant I developed some really close friendships that I still have today (my best mate from age 5 is still my best mate 30+ years on) that were never strained by the sorts of things siblings go through, eg always being together, having to share parental attention, etc etc. Anyone that makes upsetting comments about onlies is not being a friend to you - who knowingly upsets their mates with thoughtless comments?! Tell them to bugger off, and enjoy your only :)

The choice thing is a massive part in how emotional this is. I have been pregnant 4 times and have one child. She is (and will remain) an only but not by choice. She is a delight and I count my blessings every day. We are surrounded by families with 3 or 4 children and there is just 1 other 'only' in her year at school. We absolutely make the most of our situation in doing activities together as a family of 3, and probably get more couple time than many parents. But I feel for her and know she would have made a great sibling. Her few cousins are much older and in another part of the country and I imagine will probably be the youngest at family events for the next 10 years. I think we manage all that pretty well and make sure we socialise with friends and she is very happy. I just dont want her to feel the odd one out and its when other kids ask her "why dont you have any brothers or sisters?" that I cry inside. I can cope with comments and looks from adults, but its the kids that get me. Not their fault, theyre young and only saying what they see. I just dont want my child to be the odd one out. Essentially I would be happier if we knew more 1 child families.

All families have their pros and cons. If people are being arses about it just give them some of the same back. 'Oh I'm so glad I don't have to put up with all that sibling bickering', 'I feel sorry for them not having much one-on-one time' etc they'll soon shut up.

I only have two cousins and both are "onlies". One by circs (lots of mcs) and the other by choice. Both loved it and in fact one went on to have an only-by-choice. She said she got lots of time, attention, love etc. The only time she felt disadvantaged was when one of her DP's was diagnosed with a terminal illness.

People will always have an opinion on the size of your family. You have an only, too many boys/girls, a child with SEN, three children sharing a bedroom etc. You shouldn't have to justify your circumstances to anyone.

Re the guilt that is associated with having an only, there are an increasing number of women seeking counselling in a bid to help manage this. I know of several women who this has affected quite badly, and it has filtered down to affect their children.

Life has changed quite drastically over the last 100 years and now as a developed society we put our children on an almost god-like pedestal. Our children/s' well being and happiness is almost obsessed over. Fifty years ago children played in the streets (mostly unsupervised and drank water from the hosepipe according to FB) so an only had an extended network readily available, with little effort. The difference now is that often play dates have to be arranged in advance and most mothers are working, so this can often mean it requires effort for children to see their friends, which is probably where the guilt comes in.

If it is any consolation the most recent findings suggest that adults now rely more on friends than siblings/family for meaningful support.