to think leaving an 11yo alone for a few hours is ok

[TalkofSummertime]

I'm no fan of Michael Gove but I think he's getting too much of a bashing- apparently he left his son in a hotel room for 6 hours one evening with takeaway, access to soft drinks at the bar etc. The porters knew he was there.

Personally I think leaving a mature secondary child alone is quite unremarkable. Let's face it, it's different from when they were three or whatever.

I was from a stable, affectionate family and was left at home for a few hours the odd time from the age of 7 (IRRC). I stayed home alone for a few days aged 14 (my parents had accidentally booked a surprise holiday for the same date as my music exam).

I think our society infantilizes older children far too much, and this is just the press making a mountain out of a molehill.

I think the issue is that a child who presumably believes what his parents tell him would be very worried if they said they'd be back at 9.30 and were still not in by midnight. If they went to sleep and woke seeing how late it was they would most likely be quite scared. At age 11 I would have been scared to be alone at midnight/1am and would have assumed something awful would have happened to my parents. Not the same as popping into town or the shops for an hour or so and leaving an 11 year old occupied at home. I think yes an 11 year old can be left alone a bit but this circumstance is very different and I think it's irresponsible to do it to a child for 4 hours extra on the piss. Just come home early if you haven't got childcare. It's just some award party, presumably they get invited to plenty of them. It shows a lack of thinking of the child.

I remember going on holiday abroad for the first time when I was 11 and the hotel gave us rooms on seperate floors. I shared with my 5 year old sister so was alone with her all night. I thought it was exciting but my parents weren't happy. Neither would I be now with my dc.

Definitely not a problem for me.
My ds has been left alone and to get his own lunch, at his request.
Staff at a hotel would be able to help, as they would any other guest. They wouldn't be parenting him, FGS.

Don't have a problem with leaving an 11 year old ( well depends on child). I do have an issue with them being 4 hrs late back and being uncontactable.

Is this another mumsnet thing I don't get? Why the particular horror at it being an hotel?

Strangers who can access the hotel room or gain access through the child - though TBH most people are nice and not a threat and they encounter strangers in daily life anyway.

Not being in a familiar place - so fire alarms which I have experienced going on when stopping in hotels can be worry - but any unlikely emergency happening in an unfamiliar place with only strangers about.

It's all more unknown risk that you then expect a child to deal with on their own. Plus that that they can, expect our 11 could, and will be happy to do so, less sure given my 11 year old's personality she is independent on her terms and still needs reassurance on occasions so such a situation could boost her confidence or utterly destroy it.

Chances are it would all be fine but I'd not want to take that risk especially when there are other options like not going, sorting out baby sitter that can be used.

There is a huge element in that of parental judgement - where we as parents are happy to draw the lines. So that's going to be different for other parents.

Depends on the kid as said by JelliBelli but being left alone in your own home is better than in a strange hotel. Asking staff is an unfair imposition though.

Is this another Mumsnet thing I don't get, why the particular horror at it being a hotel?

Madeleine McCann

We used to make flame throwers in the garden. Aerosol and a match .

Six hours is too long IMO. When mine are that age I'm only aiming to leave them for a tea time gym session. Not all evening.

Oh yes. Madeline McCann. 2 year old left alone in an unlocked apartment couldn't be more similar to an 11 year old in an hotel room. Silly me.

Madeleine McCann was a lot younger a toddler.

Though my IL left DH in hotel rooms at that age and younger, as a baby, and prior to that incident really couldn't see a problem with it or why we weren't keen to do so.

why hotel worse than home: - your child is presumably used to the drill for various scenarios at home - - eg. drilled not to open the door to anyone they don't know unless it is the police if you're not in - but in a hotel it's a lot more confusing - there are cleaners, staff etc - particularly if he asked staff to look out for them.

They know the layout and exits from your house in the event of fire.

There is a good chance by 11 they know which neighbour to turn to in case of difficulty - how do you know which staff in a hotel is reliable?

If they get bored in a hotel they may wander into the public area - feeling they are still in doors - but of course it is different from wandering around their own house.

etc
etc

Do most of you only have tiny children?

11 year olds are pretty capable, you know!

I used to be left to babysit my 2 year old sister when I was 11.

I'm not so sure about that length of time in a hotel room though - if he had been on home territory that would be different, but at a hotel, you do not know who is there.

A bit young and a bit too long Imo but it depends on the child really.
From the age of 11 my dm used to leave the house at 7.30 and return at 6, I'd get myself up and off to school and let myself back in after school. It was the norm for me.

I do find it bizarre that people seem to be focusing on the leaving in the hotel room, not the being 4 hours late. That is utterly unforgivable.

I would happily have left mine in a hotel room with telly and food and drinks and books and stuff- but if I said I'd be back at 9.30 I would be back bang on 9.30. In fact, when I did leave mine when they were younger, I alsways got home 30 minutes before I said I would, so that they didn't even start worrying.

So presumably you would all be fine and dandy if it was the Grandparents who did this? Or is it only okay if it's the parents?

"My inlaws left my 11 year old child in a hotel room alone for six hours!" I can imagine the outrage!

And an hotel is much safer than home. No stairs to fall down, no temptation to make toast or use sharp knives or any potential domestic accidents.

I'm not worried about the hotel either, but not getting back in time is unforgivable. Especially if alone.

Daily Mail crap story, we really don't know the context, we shouldn't fall for it every time.

I have a capable 11 year old.

However we don't when we stop in hotels leave her by herself for any length of time and certainly not at night. We have never found this to be necessary.

I'm frankly surprised to find other parents do TBH but clearly they judge the risk differently to us.

Worth pointing out that the hotel is fairly exclusive, and not too large. I expect it was block booked for guests of Cheltenham Literature Festival.

The bar the goves was at was a couple of miles away - but was owned by the same company as the hotel.

Admittedly I did go a bit 'woah' when I read the story - and am still in mixed view.

I think I'm quite a relaxed parent, but I don't think this is OK. The fact that they were late back, not contactable, the unfamiliar hotel, handing over responsibility to the porter, it being night-time, the boy being alone, together all make for an undesirable set-up. If there had been another sibling there of a similar age, I perhaps might feel a bit better about it.
Leaving your 11-year-old during the day at home while you're at work is completely different, as is letting your 11-year-old go round the shops with his mates.

It is crappy they said they'd be back after 2 hrs, then were uncontactable and stayed away for 6.

My 11 year old would have been worried.

It IS crappy parenting

It's dispicable parenting to say you will be back at 9.30 and return four hours later, having been uncontactble in that time. Didn't they care to check on their child?
Yes a lot of 11yr olds are very capable and in a lot of ways a hotel room is safer than a home, but it's an unfamiliar environment and when coupled with the fact that they were unreachable, even the most mature 11yr old would panic.
Selfish git