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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore hints about problems ?

173 replies

Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 08:57

My 8yo DS has no friends.

He has one classmate who he will play computer games with at his house but does not play with this child at school.

School say he is happy and has lots of friends at school, which is reassuring but no play dates or party invites since reception.

I have stopped trying playdates at home as DS sits on the stairs upset until guest child goes home.

So I decided to stop attempting play dates and send him to clubs which have activities instead.

I send him to an after school club which is run by the teachers. The teacher said he enjoys it. DD1 also attends this club and says her brother messes around and doesn't follow instructions. However the teachers have not reported anything, so it must be minor.

DS also goes to Cubs and a computer coding class. This is where the AIBU bit comes in. Both clubs have mentioned that he is enthusiastic and runs around a lot. They ask if he is doing ok at school/home.

AIBU to just nod along and say everything is fine (which I have done several times now) when I am pretty sure they are hinting he is causing some level of problem because I am terrified they will stop him going and he will be gutted ?

OP posts:
user1471494124 · 30/10/2016 09:00

Does he have SN? ASD? The bit about his behaviour when others come over for playdates seems to maybe indicate something like that to me.

Coconutty · 30/10/2016 09:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JellyBelli · 30/10/2016 09:01

YABU, and I think you know you are. I'd be worried if DS sat on the stairs til a visiting child went home as well.

Why not have him assessed for SN?

ThatStewie · 30/10/2016 09:01

It sounds like they are suggesting he may have ADHD or another SEN rather than trying to stop him attending. IME if they wanted him to stop going, they'd come straight out and say it. Gentle questioning sounds like they have some concerns and want to work with you (and others) to ensure he's being supported properly.

Coconutty · 30/10/2016 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 09:07

No difficulties at all.

He was previously assessed, as I wrongly thought he was adhd/asd like my brother. But everything was ruled out and final conclusion via CAMHs was that I am a poor parent to him. Which makes me relieved and sad at the same time.

Guess I don't really want to say to these strangers, sorry he is just poorly parented...as they will definitely stop him attending, won't they ?

He loves both clubs activities and hugs the adults volunteers a lot.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 09:10

Not that I am saying you are a poor parent, but what do you mean by saying that was the 'final conclusion'? What do they think you aren't doing to help your DS? I am usually quite strict in my approach to what kids should do but if he doesn't like coding club because he wants to run around, that doesn't sound like the end of the world to me.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 09:11

The cubs seem to cope better with him...They have a lot of leaders and they are doing a lot of outside stuff, so he can run around spinning to burn off steam :)

I suspect the coding club are getting the fidgety lolling around on and off the chair which he does whilst sitting at a screen, rather than full on running around.

I am just hoping if they get use to him, they will realise how wonderful he is and let him keep coming back.

OP posts:
ineedamoreadultieradult · 30/10/2016 09:12

I don't think you can ignore the fact that he is messing around in situations where he shouldn't be and hugging the adults a lot seems a bit strange for an 8 year old. Does he prefer the company of adults to children? Does he mess around at home when he should be doing his homework for example? What consequences does he have for misbehaving.

Hobbes8 · 30/10/2016 09:12

Does he go to any clubs where he gets to run around? Maybe a more physical club would be better than him than coding?

SavoyCabbage · 30/10/2016 09:17

Yes, get him into a more physical extra curricular club.

EssentialHummus · 30/10/2016 09:17

Maybe a more physical club would be better than him than coding?

I agree. Karate/judo?

Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 09:18

I don't think you should ignore it if his behaviour is inappropriate for the club, as it will be affecting the other children. Have you asked him what he does and whether he sits still?

MouseholeCat · 30/10/2016 09:19

I'm a Guide leader and those are the sorts of questions that we might ask to ensure we're providing the best support and encouragement to a child, certainly not because we're looking to chuck them out.

For example, if at school or at home you're following certain behaviour management practices, it can be good to know to ensure consistency.

From that perspective, I think YABU to just ignore their questions; they want your DS to benefit from the clubs as much as you do.

Is there anything you do at home which might help ensure he can focus?

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 09:19

CAHMS concluded my poor parenting skills, which I accept. (Just for DS not my 3 x DD) However dispite our best efforts over several sessions we couldn't pin down exactly what I was doing wrong.

Everything I discussed with CAMHS was deemed to be the right response. I found this very frustrating, as without an outline of what I am doing/not doing correctly how can I help DS behave more appropriately IYSWIM.

DS loves the coding club and talks about it all week. It is the highlight of his week :)

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 30/10/2016 09:21

Why do you accept it? It doesn't seem to make sense to me if there is nothing specific anyone can point to that you are doing to cause problems. I am not even sure what the problems are, tbh! You sound slightly like you have given up. Is there more here you are not sharing about his general behaviour?

corythatwas · 30/10/2016 09:22

I think you should probably start thinking a bit about these issues now.

The truth is that everybody we meet judges us in some way or another: that's what human beings do. We notice when somebody fits in and contributes to a setting, we notice when they disrupt it and make it more difficult for others. How we judge this depends on the information we are given. Most people have a fair bit of tolerance for the fact that a child with no leg function can't run back and pick up the cardie they dropped, but would judge an NT child for refusing to do so. If a certain activity really requires a certain ability to sit still and not disturb others, then we would expect an NT child to stick to this- or quietly ask them to leave because this activity clearly wasn't right for them. In the case of a child with SN, we might accept that this isn't going to happen and try to find ways around it.

Your ds' club may not have got to this stage yet. But they have raised some kind of concern. Probably they are hoping that you will be able to have a quiet word with your ds and the issue will resolve itself. If this isn't possible, then I think you do want to look into why it isn't possible. Is it because the activity simply isn't right for your ds? Some children develop late and need very active things to do. Then the answer would be take him out. If he does have some SN otoh, then the answer would be that they have to make special concessions. But if you want them to make special concessions for your ds, then you probably do need to explain to them why they have to do that.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 09:25

I parent him exactly the same, as I parent my daughters.

Getting him to focus and not move is nearly impossible. He dances on the spot whilst I ask him to verbalise his spelling list.

Telling him to stop, results in compliance for a nano second before he forgets and carries on.

The excessive hugging is completely normal, just part of his personality and he us a very lovable child. He hugs all his teachers at school and anyone who speaks nicely to him. I stop him hugging strangers when I am with him.

OP posts:
Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 09:30

Yabu to ignore what they are saying.

Eventually it will get to the point where they don't feel it's right to have him there. They are trying get to get you to do something.

It does sound that he may have some forms of Asd. Your posts are quite confusing. You say you accept it's your poor parenting and ignoring this problem suggests you could make improvements. You seem to say he has no friends because he doesn't go on play dates. My son doesn't, but has friends. However me and dh work and he has hobbies so time for play dates is few and far between. Why do you equate no play dates to no friends?

But, while you say you accept it, you clearly don't.

If you really don't think it's parenting, can you get him assessed again?

But I think you really do need to address the problems at his hobbies. That will becoming across as 'poor parenting'. You sound like you require lost and don't know what else to do.

PumpkinOfLinus · 30/10/2016 09:31

I think they are trying to tell you, nicely, that his behaviour is a problem.

Bruce02 · 30/10/2016 09:33

Op I have a son and daughter. I can't parent them the same. Dd was really easy. Ds, not so much. I don't think it's a 'boy thing' or 'girl thing'. It's personality.

Perhaps you feel because things have worked with your other kids they will work with ds? But all kids are different. Maybe you need more stratagies.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 09:33

Guess I want them to let DS attend their clubs because he loves the club's. I can't make him calmer, quieter with focus because that is not in him. Maybe he will develop these skills with practise.

Guess I could volunteer to stay with him and make him sit down every time and I will do this if they want me too. I just want him to learn to interact like/with the other children and having your mummy follow you around won't help that.

OP posts:
PumpkinOfLinus · 30/10/2016 09:35

It's a good idea to offer to stay because the alternative may be that they tell you they can't cope with his behaviour and he'll have to leave.

threelittlerapscallions · 30/10/2016 09:37

How dare they say you are a poor parent without evidence?! You have 3 DDs why should you be any dfferent? he does sound adhd to me though am no expert. Give yourself a break sounds like you are trying really hard and are a experienced Mum with 4 children.

SpunkyMummy · 30/10/2016 09:38

Don't ignore it. He loves the coding class, right? So, do your best to make sure that it won't come to the point where they decide that he can't come anymore....

The assessment.... well, that's just unreasonable. Why do you accept that? They're saying you have poor parenting skills but can't say why?!