To ignore hints about problems ?

[Babieseverywhere]

My 8yo DS has no friends.

He has one classmate who he will play computer games with at his house but does not play with this child at school.

School say he is happy and has lots of friends at school, which is reassuring but no play dates or party invites since reception.

I have stopped trying playdates at home as DS sits on the stairs upset until guest child goes home.

So I decided to stop attempting play dates and send him to clubs which have activities instead.

I send him to an after school club which is run by the teachers. The teacher said he enjoys it. DD1 also attends this club and says her brother messes around and doesn't follow instructions. However the teachers have not reported anything, so it must be minor.

DS also goes to Cubs and a computer coding class. This is where the AIBU bit comes in. Both clubs have mentioned that he is enthusiastic and runs around a lot. They ask if he is doing ok at school/home.

AIBU to just nod along and say everything is fine (which I have done several times now) when I am pretty sure they are hinting he is causing some level of problem because I am terrified they will stop him going and he will be gutted ?

Sorry, but that doesn't sound like a good school to me, although I like the sound of the Yr 1 teacher.

My bad attitude is frustration at not being able to support my son in the right way.. as I can't figure out what that way is !

Our strategy is to let him move. So instead of writing down spellings. He dances on the spot and speaks the letters and I write them down.

We give him plenty of breaks and put him on the trampoline.

He has a swivel chair at the computer which he falls off at least twice a day, but he likes the movement.

We work around his movements and repeat basic instructions until he gets it.

Things move on - I know you must be exhausted talking to professionals, but these behaviour and the resulting self-esteem issues are only going to get worse. I would ask for a referral to the community paediatrician (or their occupational therapists) for ADHD assessment and assessment for sensory processing issues. Some paediatrician's will now give a 'working diagnosis' even where assessments are borderline, and this helps you access speciialist parenting advice and courses.

If not, I would read everyhting you can about ADHD, sensory processing difficulties (eg the highly sensitive child) and ASD, and you and your partner develop you own shared understanding of what you think applies - talk to your son about it 'we know you're not naughty, you seem to have a specific difficulty with xyz (eg concentrating, knowing when its the right time to hug) and we want to help you manage these things). Tell staff at clubs what he will need, eg a fiddle toy, wobble cushion, a break to walk around, 1:1 help to focus on a task, and be clear and robust about it. A friend's dd got an ADD diagnosis recently, and the change in her confidence is astounding. Ask helpful school staff or senco to do classroom observations to see if they can identify things that back up your concerns and feed then back - point out that things are not getting better. Then write everything down, including family history, and take it to the gp when you ask for referral.

Cross post - So, you are really tuned in to what he needs, you will need to tell school and clubs what works for him and ask how they can accommodate these needs in the ways you do.

We have done all that nightnight. Conclusion was everything was fine.

School does not allow fidgy toys unless needed and my son has no need for them. That said I think some teachers choose to use them with their class...I would if this year's teacher does ?

I know but it works with teaching him the spelling element, which is the main aim of the homework.

Thanks for all the advice.
Will wait and see how cubs go, as I get a more gentle vibr there.

Re coding club, I will prepare something positive to say. Though I am still in two minds, whether I speak now or wait to see if things calm down on there own.

I honestly think from what you've said isnthat school is a HUGE problem. It's almost like when I was at school in the 70s and additional needs weren't recognised, but every school had a few "weird kids". In retrospect, a few of these kids are very like,y to have had autism.
While the school has served your daughters well, it may not be the right place for your son. I have a daughter followed by a son, and have had to parent them very differently, because they're like chalk and cheese. In some ways your ds sounds a bit like mine, although mine hasn't had the extremes that yours had, but what has worked for him has been exercise exercise and more exercise, and a zero tolerance approach to his behaviour right up until a couple of years ago. It's paid off though, at almost 15 he's still infuriating at times, but he's matured amazingly and is a genuine pleasure to be around.
I know you say he loves his coding club, but could part of his behaviour issues be boredom? If he's working at a more advanced level at home, he'd only be human to be a bit bored with what he's doing at the club.
Is his schoolwork stretching him enough academically? Boredom might apply equally here...if the subject or level isn't engaging him at his level, them no wonder he's not putting in much effort.
I think you're really going to have to fight for him, not necessarily for a diagnosis for anything, but just to get the right kind of education and activity level, and stop thinking that because "school says he's ok", that it is

DS sounds just like my DS9. Up until he was 8 we didn't do anything because school didn't have a problem ..... They now have big issues and we are seeking an assessment. Since he turned 8 his behaviours have worsened and became clearer. He had a Physio appointment and they asked what he had been diagnosed with .... That was my tipping point! I wouldn't close the door on assessments yet!!!

Babieseverywhere you sound tired and stressed, I think as well as your son you should priorities your own mental health and make sure you are not suffering from depression.

I think it's easy to obsess about a diagnosis or lack of one, perhaps it would be easier for you to concentrate on the problems and how to overcome them. Your son is obviously bright yet is struggling or not excelling academically, he is upset that he feels he doesn't have friends, he struggles to behave at a club he enjoys. These are all serious issues but issues that you might be able to help with.

Would it be a possibility financially to see an occupational therapist? I had a friend who did this with her son who displayed similar behaviour. They didn't formally diagnose ASD but they noted certain sensitivities and were able to advise methods of coping. They were also able to advise the school about behaviour management strategies that would be more appropriate for him. Another aspect that uncovered was that he was gifted mathematically but just above average in other fields. This disparity was causing some of the behaviour issues as he couldn't cope with going from being bored to challenged.

As I said maybe you're exhausted of pursuing a diagnosis in that case don't make that the focus, you've identified that your son is struggling - an occupational therapist or other professional can find ways of helping him to cope (especially with his being so bright).

Given how much he loves the coding club, I think the message needs to be, "This club is so important to him, and he really loves coding. At home he is doing [advanced Pi activity]. What can I do to help him while he's here? Would you like me to attend/observe?"

It sounds like a tough situation, but he's clearly a capable boy.

School and CAMHS explained this was fairly common

People in the SEN world would tell you that they would be stinking rich if they had a fiver for every time they heard that sort of story from schools and CAMHS about children who were subsequently diagnosed as having things like ASD, ADHD and sensory processing disorder. It's an incredibly well-known phenomenon for children with SPD and ASD to be able to hold things together in school only for it all to spill out in other environments, because dealing with constant sensory sensitivity in a noisy and/or crowded environment is really very stressful.

Honestly, CAMHS really isn't infallible, nor are senior consultants. At the very least, please consult an occupational therapist with qualifications in sensory integration. SOS SEN could probably give you a few names. There's nothing to lose, is there?

My son is 9, he struggles socially and academically, his behaviour can also be hard work and different yo his peers. The school and I recognise that he needs support and have referred to a relevant department twice now and are about to do it for a third time, one the first referral the professional never met nor observed my son, but upon the info from me and the school, decided that there were no issues and pushed me to look at my parenting skills, I felt fobbed off. The second professional in that dept met him, he was a model child for the assessment, very different to normal, but inspite if this she wouldn't assess him at school and again closed his file.
We're about to try again off the back of getting some independent assessments done, it doesn't appear it's anything serious and it could be a lot worse however, with the report from the independent assessor, hopefully we will get recognition that whilst not a severe issue he still will require support to help him hopefully manage his issues.
It appears that unless matters are severe they're just not interested unfortunatley an that's not really fair is it, especially since with some proper intervention now, he may be able to be taught how to manage it himself later in life.

I read about this home/school differences on here before.

But that is not true. Every clinical person indentified small areas which might have indicated concern BUT as none of these same concerns were observed at school it shows there is no consistency of issues. It shows that the slight concerns are just personality.

But are they "slight concerns"? I wouldn't have thought that is the case with a child who hugs strangers and can't remember that he's been told multiple times not to do that; who has extreme sensitivity to sound and touch; who can't focus without moving around constantly; who threatens suicide and says he is not worth feeding; who school refuses; who has no friends at school; who is excluded or in danger of being excluded from out of school activities; who has meltdowns; who can't understand when you explain to him about unacceptable behaviour and forgets within minutes; and where his teachers complain about his behaviour. You have other children: do you really think those are slight concerns or normal behaviour, or is the reality that your bad experiences with CAMHS and the school being so unpleasant to you have led you to doubt your own judgment?

No the fact these issues weren't seen at school means that the child is somehow able to keep it together at school. Not that the child doesn't have the issue .

Besides, it depends on what 'observed at school' means.
For dc2 it meant talking to the teacher, who was convinced there was no issue with DC so told them that, even though teachers the year below (and then the year above afterwards) both said they did see issues...
Then they didn't go into the playground where a lot of the social issues were much more visible. They just assumed that having seeing him laugh meant he was well integrated socially. That was a child who didn't have friends, no play dates and struggled to engage in any conversation.....

Fwiw, we were told too that there was no issue with dc2. We also chose not to pursue another diagnosis. But we have implemented all we could at home on the basis that he did indeed have said diagnosis.
And for me, tha t was the important thing as I'm fully aware that dc2 would not have had any special help because his default mode when overwhelmed is to get quiet and keep himself to himself.....

They are slight concerns. He is a fabulous child, who on occasion drives me potty. We are use to his personality and quirks and work with him.

Observed at school meant a physiologist going to watch him. I met her just afterward asked what she saw etc. She said everything was fine and nothing to worry about. When I pressed about how lonely he was on the playground...she told me an observation, that a girl had come up to DS and her and tried to start a conversation. My DS (who much prefers adult attention) told her to go away as HE was taking to the lady. The psychologist said she could see how he had no friends with that attitude.

The final report just said basically your child is fine.

I think the lady was telling me if I could get him to be more social with other kids, then he will have more friends. I agree. Just unsure how to teach him that.

Talking with the lady

And the psychologist didn't think it was strange that a child isn't confortable to talk with his peers but would rather speak with adults only?

You could try using social stories. These are a tool used with many ASD kids. If you google "Aspergers social stories" you should find some.

I haven't read all the way through but my cousin was assessed over and over for ADHD and it wasn't until he was 12 and moved to Ireland that he finally got his diagnosis. They took one look at him and said he clearly has ADHD but in England they just kept brushing it under the rug and his parents had to fight the LEA to get him into a specialist boarding school and for them to pay for it. Go back and fight them for a reassessment because a diagnosis of poor parenting is a cop out.

"CAHMS concluded my poor parenting skills, which I accept. (Just for DS not my 3 x DD) However dispite our best efforts over several sessions we couldn't pin down exactly what I was doing wrong.

Everything I discussed with CAMHS was deemed to be the right response. I found this very frustrating, as without an outline of what I am doing/not doing correctly how can I help DS behave more appropriately IYSWIM."

It sounds to me as if you are utterly worn down by trying to get to the bottom of things that lots of professionals are insisting aren't there at all. And as a result you are adopting this exaggerated humility in an attempt to get the professionals to work with you - you have learnt that they won't work with you in the context of "what SN does my son have?" so you are trying to work with them in the context of "ok I am parenting badly and my son is NT - so tell me what to do and I will do it".

the problem is that you still don't have a solution as they can't seem to tell you what to do that you aren't doing already. All this humility might be doing a certain social job in keeping teachers etc on side. It isn't doing any work at all in establishing how you can best help your son, which I can tell is what you really want to do more than anything.

I hope that you will get some good help on here from people wiser than me. but please don't discount your instincts.

Hi I have only scanned this thread and I am sorry if this has already been mentioned but some of what you are say OP sounds very similar to my Ds who is asd but also has sensory processing disorder and I wondered if it might be something that could 'fit' some of the issues you have described. I was told that my parenting was the issue for many years but like you they could never figure out exactly why and eventually I saw a Peadatrician who really listened to everything and we now finally after years and years have the help Ds needs.