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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ignore hints about problems ?

173 replies

Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 08:57

My 8yo DS has no friends.

He has one classmate who he will play computer games with at his house but does not play with this child at school.

School say he is happy and has lots of friends at school, which is reassuring but no play dates or party invites since reception.

I have stopped trying playdates at home as DS sits on the stairs upset until guest child goes home.

So I decided to stop attempting play dates and send him to clubs which have activities instead.

I send him to an after school club which is run by the teachers. The teacher said he enjoys it. DD1 also attends this club and says her brother messes around and doesn't follow instructions. However the teachers have not reported anything, so it must be minor.

DS also goes to Cubs and a computer coding class. This is where the AIBU bit comes in. Both clubs have mentioned that he is enthusiastic and runs around a lot. They ask if he is doing ok at school/home.

AIBU to just nod along and say everything is fine (which I have done several times now) when I am pretty sure they are hinting he is causing some level of problem because I am terrified they will stop him going and he will be gutted ?

OP posts:
Clankboing · 30/10/2016 09:59

The senditivity to touch and noise can be part of a sensory seeking / avoidance. You could ask an occupational therapist to investigate this further.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/10/2016 09:59

I would start doing after school sports. Football, swimming, martial arts.

toptoe · 30/10/2016 10:00

x post.

Was adhd ruled out too?

user1471549018 · 30/10/2016 10:00

I haven't RTFT but it sounds a lot like sensory processing disorder to me. That inability to sit still, despite wanting to be there and engage I recognise well. Also not wanting play dates but otherwise being normally social (ie at school). What happens at mealtimes? SPD can co exist with ASD so I'd really be pushing for him to be reassessed (especially OT and SALT assessments). The earlier SPD diagnosed and treated the better

toptoe · 30/10/2016 10:07

Also, what might be 'ruled out' at one age might be more obvious a couple of years later as you have more evidence of traits. Plus, in the last couple of years some different forms of asd have been recognised and so the field of assessment has moved on. A new teacher, a new club - they have more information and a different view/experience to offer. So it is worth reassessing with all their evidence too.

Even if they can't definitely say 'yes' to a specific issue they may say he has lots of similar traits and give you plenty of tactics to help him. You can pass these tactics on to school and clubs. You can talk to him and educate him about how to handle certain situations. It's much better for him to be able to be open about how he feels and for you to feel like you are supported in helping him.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 10:07

Wobble cushion looks great...will buy and try that.

Adhd has not been formally ruled out. But surely during a 2 year multi disciplinary assessment, they would of picked this up, if it was there.

School have no problems with DS.

The sensitivities mentioned are not anything other than a normal kid range of reactions.

He won't play football.

He swims with us, after last swimming class said they couldn't cope with him (even with an extra teachers in the pool). They would only take him back if he dropped down to the younger class (with his 5yo sister) so we took him out. Their issues was lack of focus and attention. Didn't follow instructions and he had meltdowns screaming in the pool at the half way point. DS is much better with me in the water and has stopped screaming :)

OP posts:
PumpkinOfLinus · 30/10/2016 10:11

A lot of the behaviours you seem to think are normal really aren't.

Heartbroken47 · 30/10/2016 10:13

I had many reassurances from my daughter's school that she had lots of friends - she tells a different story. A paediatrician "ruled out" Aspergers at age 6 as her eye contact was too good. By 14 her anxiety was so bad she was refusing school. I insisted on an assessment for ASD. When she finally saw an actual psychologist (rather than the early stage CAMHS she said no need to assess it was very obvious she had Aspergers. I insisted on assessment anyway.
Did your son have an assessment or did you see the lower level practitioners?

Karoleann · 30/10/2016 10:15

We have a little girl at rainbows who sounds very similar to your DS, she will only sit in our circle nicely if she sits on my knee. I have spoken to the Mum (she finds her quite difficult) but again school says there are no problems there - however, the other mums of the girls in her class have reported back that she is "naughty' and 'won't sit still'.

I do wonder how much of the school reporting that everything is normal is down to budget issues? I would push for him to be re-assessed.
I good friend of mine has recently started her DS on ritalin - he was diagnosed with ADD a couple of years ago and she was initially wary of medicating him. But the difference has been remarkable, his school work has picked up dramatically and he seems much happier in himself.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 10:17

Just for information. My DH and I dud sit him down for a serious talk about his behaviour at coding club and if it continues he will not be able to go back. He was upset at that thought. But can't 'see' the behaviour to correct and forgets within seconds what we were even talking about.

Guess I am unsure what I should say to the coding club volunteers.
"He has been fully assessed and there is no reason you should have to tolerate any poor behaviour off my son and I have no idea how to get him to sit still and focus myself BUT please keep him in your club...as it means the world to him and it the only time in the week that he stops saying how stupid he is and he smiles as he shines and excells at programming"

OP posts:
mommy2ash · 30/10/2016 10:17

After reading the full thread its a bit worrying that you keep coming back and labelling behaviour as totally normal when I really don't think it is. I have never seen an eight year old hug strangers unless stopped, express suicidal thoughts or say they were worthless and that's without touching on the inability to sit still and multiple clubs telling you they are unable to deal with his behaviour. It honestly sounds like you have given up. I would keep pushing for him to be assessed so he can access some support. As he gets older and heads into his teenage years this will be a lot older and your ds needs to learn how to cope with these situations when he is a grown up.

I wouldn't accept that it is poor parenting without any explanation of which aspects of your parenting is poor.

Clankboing · 30/10/2016 10:25

I completely agree eith mummy2ash. I would push for reassessment. And yes, say that to the computer coding club offering your support if necessary.

ThirdThoughts · 30/10/2016 10:25

I'm not an expert and I'd hope that CAMHS know what they are doing wrt the unhappiness and suicidal talk. But I'm not sure how the school can be certain that he is happy once he is there, they can't see inside his head. Having suffered from severe anxiety and depression in the past, I'm aware that people's perception of me at the time was far removed from my lived experience.

It's really sad that they have given you such a soul crushing diagnosis as poor parenting without any apparent idea of what is poor and what could improve.

In your shoes (and it is not difficult to imagine, my 4 year old is of the fidgety, not following instructions type) I think I would seek out a second opinion. Failing that, as he displays some ASD/SPD/ADHD traits (whether or not severe enough for diagnosis) I would research strategies that are recommended to parents of children with those conditions. I don't know enough myself, but have heard exercise can help children cope better with ADHD.

I'm sorry that you've been left feeling so lost and hopeless. It's a rubbish thing to have said that you are a poor parent with no support.

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 10:27

The assessment was at a high level, complete and closed. There is no need for further assessments.

I don't know which points the 'these aren't normal' refer too. But I have been very clear and concise with everyone we meet on the long assessment road about everything I have wrote here and the expered are sure in our DS these are normal personality traits maybe more extreme than can be seen (like having to pick him off the pavement and and put him in the pram to push him to school at 6yo as he refused to walk or stand, making my 3yo walk instead) just goes to show, he has a flair for the dramatic.

OP posts:
eyebrowsonfleek · 30/10/2016 10:27

I think that you need a reassessment. (Professional not CAMHs) A lot of the behaviours that you say are normal aren't.
(For example the hugging won't appeal to neurotypical boys the same age)

At coding club does he stand and code or does he wander around and not do any coding?

ThirdThoughts · 30/10/2016 10:32

Something to think about. Any individual trait that you are labelling as 'within the normal' range of behaviour is maybe true on its own, but combined with all the other behaviours it maybe adds up to something. Plus, what was normal at 5 or 6 may not be at 9 years?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 30/10/2016 10:32

I don't think the OP is labelling it as 'normal behaviour' - she actually sounds very worried, but the school is telling her all is fine. Talking about suicide and refusing to eat is not 'normal behaviour' and I'm really angry that the OP is getting so little support. Could you contact Family Services and see if they can do anything? There are many, many children who are not given a diagnosis and it really is a fight, whether it's ADHD, ASD or childhood depression /anxiety.

It's so important for him to continue doing the things he loves. I think honesty about your fears and concerns is the best policy here. You are not a 'bad' parent; you are clearly very worried, but sound a little intimidated by the service providers you have been in touch with so far. Don't be - they are supposed to exist to support you, not judge you.

12purpleapples · 30/10/2016 10:32

Did they actually use the phrase 'poor parenting' or did they say something along the lines of offering/suggesting parenting support?

thatdearoctopus · 30/10/2016 10:33

"Poor parenting" sounds to me like an appalling cop-out. I agree that a lot of the behaviours you refer to as being normal really aren't, and I speak as a teacher of this age group (for the last 30 years). Mind you, we are seeing more such traits presenting in schools nowadays, with inclusion being (rightly) so firmly embedded in our system.

It sounds as if a number of people are skirting around the issues here - they suspect some sort of problem, but aren't quite prepared, or qualified enough, to stick their necks out and say exactly what they're thinking. I think you need to push for further assessments, so that he (and you) can receive the support needed to fulfil his potential.

grumpysquash3 · 30/10/2016 10:35

I am a Scout leader and I agree with Mousehole. It is not about asking children to leave, but is about flagging up usual behaviours.

Your DS seems to have some behaviours in common with children we have had at Beavers who had a formal ADHD diagnosis.

Presumably your DS is learning to code, so he is able to take in the information from the club. I would suggest staying and observing one of the sessions, so you can see what they mean, and take it from there. You will at least see if he's running about all the time, or whether he's running when he's finished the activity. You'll also see how he interacts with the other children....

Original poster
Babieseverywhere · 30/10/2016 10:35

Yes, I do feel terrible that I can't sort out these issues for my son. :(

I do appreciate everyone who took time to write a post, I have read and thought carefully about all suggestions raised and will do what I can, bar assessment, I have closed that door firmly.

I will continue to ignore the cub volunteers, I think he is doing fine overall there. I think they just want to help, rather than chuck him out iyswim.

But will pull my big girl pants up and go and speak to the coding club and see if they need me there...not that his behaviour will be any different but I can concentrate on him, leaving them to deal with the class. Sigh...really worried they will just tell me not to come back. His heart would be broken.

OP posts:
corythatwas · 30/10/2016 10:37

toptoe Sun 30-Oct-16 10:07:09
"Also, what might be 'ruled out' at one age might be more obvious a couple of years later as you have more evidence of traits"

THIS

Speaking of a different SN, I had to fight for 10 years to get my dd diagnosed with her physical condition: previous doctors just insisted it was my bad parenting. She ended up in a wheelchair. After years of support, medication, physio etc she is now able to hold down a fulltime job. That would not have happened if I hadn't fought for her every inch of the way.

Just asking other people to pretend that her disability wasn't there wouldn't have got her through education and into a job.

Like dd, approaching this from a disciplinary pov isn't working for your son. He needs your help. You can't just ask the club to pretend his ways are not disruptive: they clearly are. If you can't discipline your ds out of this, then you can't expect them to do it either. A different approach is needed. And there is only you to set that in motion.

Start by speaking to the school. Write down everything they say about his difficulties/peculiarities. Don't ask them to diagnose: just get the facts. Get them to explain how this makes things difficult and gets in the way of his learning. Then see the GP for a referral.

thatdearoctopus · 30/10/2016 10:39

will do what I can, bar assessment, I have closed that door firmly.

Do you mean that you have closed that door, as you don't wish to pursue that line of enquiry, or that they have, and are saying he's not ASD and that's that?

corythatwas · 30/10/2016 10:39

Cross-post.

Babieseverywhere Sun 30-Oct-16 10:35:38

"I do appreciate everyone who took time to write a post, I have read and thought carefully about all suggestions raised and will do what I can, bar assessment, I have closed that door firmly."

So what will you do if it turns out he cannot cope with secondary school? If he starts getting into trouble with teachers because you have told the school it is a behavioural issue? If he ends up excluded?

HaveNoSocks · 30/10/2016 10:41

Reading your replies I would definitely attempt to get him help via an occupational therapist. The exact diagnosis isn;t really important, he clearly has obstacles that are preventing him from taking part in normal activities.