To ignore hints about problems ?

[Babieseverywhere]

My 8yo DS has no friends.

He has one classmate who he will play computer games with at his house but does not play with this child at school.

School say he is happy and has lots of friends at school, which is reassuring but no play dates or party invites since reception.

I have stopped trying playdates at home as DS sits on the stairs upset until guest child goes home.

So I decided to stop attempting play dates and send him to clubs which have activities instead.

I send him to an after school club which is run by the teachers. The teacher said he enjoys it. DD1 also attends this club and says her brother messes around and doesn't follow instructions. However the teachers have not reported anything, so it must be minor.

DS also goes to Cubs and a computer coding class. This is where the AIBU bit comes in. Both clubs have mentioned that he is enthusiastic and runs around a lot. They ask if he is doing ok at school/home.

AIBU to just nod along and say everything is fine (which I have done several times now) when I am pretty sure they are hinting he is causing some level of problem because I am terrified they will stop him going and he will be gutted ?

Are you sure you can't get another assessment done (could you afford private)? It doesn't sound like the last was very helpful. Your description sounds like he has ADHD or ASD at a high functioning level. I would probably do some research into these areas even without an assessment and follow some of the advice about how to support your son - just see if it works.

Since he's so fidgety could you get him a fiddle toy (stress ball or whatever)? Perhaps he can take short breaks and walk quietly around the room if he needs to expend some energy? Or take him for a quick run about before the club? Does he have any sensory issues? Does he cope better in quieter environments? Whatevertjhe cause it sounds like the fidgeting is involuntary more than bad behaviour.

Excessive hugging to the extent that he constantly hugs strangers unless you stop him isn't really "completely normal". I'm dubious that CAMHS has got their diagnosis right, to be honest, particularly given that you don't parent him differently from how you parent your daughters. Can you ask for a second opinion? If it's accessible, maybe something like the Newcomen Centre at Guy's might be a better bet.

If it is not in him, then you need to be the person who helps other people understand that they have to make allowances even though it disrupts what they are trying to do. You can't just expect the other children to put up with being disturbed for no reason, or the leaders to put up with disruption for no reason.

He does sound a lovely little boy and your job is to be his advocate. Have him assessed, find out why he cannot cope with normal behaviour at the club, and speak for him.

Just because CAMHS haven't diagnosed anything doesn't mean there isn't anything going on.

Does any of this ring bells?

www.sensory-processing-disorder.com

The bad parenting label drives me crazy.

I'd ignore the hints in your shoes. I could say a lot more but I'd out myself.

The teachers have done enough training to know that not every child is a text book 'easy' child and not ever behaviour is a result of trouble at home or bad parenting.

I don't know. I'm prefacing this because I'm no expert but it sounds like he needs more exercise. Everything you describe is having a physical response rather than the 'in that context appropriate' mental or intellectual reaction. Is do two things: research parenting techniques, perhaps Steve Bidulphs raising boys and get him into a sports club.

Yes, If they need me to stay I will. I just hoped being around other boys might help.

I am open to suggestions on anything else I should/should not be doing ?

Get him assessed. Don't take "poor parenting skills" as an answer. Go back to CAHMS. Explain that the problems are getting more apparent and are getting in the way of his accessing normal activities. Speak to his teachers too for any evidence they can supply. If you can afford private then do, if not keep nagging CAHMS.

If as you say yourself "it is not in his nature" then being around other boys isn't going to change that.

You parent him the same as your DD's but that will never work because he clearly doesn't think or behave like them.

Could you actually stay at the clubs for a session to observe his behaviour for yourself?

ASD was the first thing I thought of, as there is some history of it in your family this does sound possible. It maybe that he has traits but not sufficent that he gets a diagnosis of ASD. Many people who have had ASD diagnosis for their dc's have had to push and push to get it and many do not always find CAHMS helpful so don't rule it out. I think its unlikely to be your parenting if you are the same with DD's. Have a quiet word with the club leaders and ask their opinion, they might be thinking of ASD or some other SN but are frightened to mention it.

Camhs are not infallible- in my opinion they are rubbish!

Don't blame yourself for your son being different.

Did camhs actually do an asd assessment?

js Loads on that list are generic kid things though.

DS does have over sensitive hearing, says audiogist. He over acts to sounds we don't hear. Which is probably linked to the poor sleeping. It also made hand driers in bathrooms the enemy ! But common enough to young children.

He is very sensitive to touch. He strokes my arms and back to calm down. He doesn't tolerate seams, scratchy uncomfortable materials. Again very common child thing.

If you afford it, try getting a move n sit cushion to see if that will help with sitting in one place for coding, etc?

www.amazon.co.uk/Gymnic-Kids-Movin-Sit-Cushion/dp/B000FPYHAE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1477820760&sr=8-1&keywords=Move+n+sit

I should add that I think it's quite common for ASD or ADHD to be mistaken for poor parenting when in fact the opposite is happening. Good parents can go so out of their way to help their child cope that the child's problems are less apparent.

He sounds a bit like DS 10 (except DS loved play dates just didn't get many)

Very affectionate (overly so)
Lacking discipline in group situations
Very energetic
(There are other issues with DS as well)

This has led to him being socially isolated as other kids often cannot cope with his behaviour

we have a plan with the school to help him develop social skills and learn by rote what he is not picking up intuitively (latest social story is about personal bubbles)

I have encouraged classes where he flourishes, judo (great teacher, accepts DS, DS learning discipline in group situations) swimming (good life skill, strict rules to follow with consequences that are immediate) Cubs (social interaction with emphasis on physical activity and working in a group)

I suspect he is on the spectrum but have not pursued a formal diagnosis as we have had the right support in place and a fantastic school

He doesn't have a best friend but can and does socialise in the different groups and is slowly getting there - the only time it really becomes apparent is around birthdays but we focus on family activities that mean he doesn't miss out too much

I think the CAHMS response is awful. No wonder you are afraid of drawing attention to his difficulties if you are written off as having poor parenting skills - to just one of three children! I'd suggest trying to get another referral for either ASD/ADHD. You may have to push for this, but if you're open with his club leaders, they may be able to support you or at least back you up with evidence of his behaviour. Do hope you get some better help than you have received in the past, OP

Roughly what area of the country are you? North England, South Wales, etc?

There are some charities that can help with sensory stuff.

The way the CAHMs assessment went sounds disgraceful, but not everyone will want to judge or discount your child in that way.

We see such a huge range of kids with different backgrounds and abilities. We want to be inclusive and if there's things that can be done to enable that happens, we are very much willing to help.

The info you're given is really useful for anyone leading the clubs- just hearing from you that he talks about what he's done at coding club all week, and that he's a very active but capable child who is taking it all in would be good to know.

Honestly? If a child doesn't really have any friends, has clear sensory issues and clubs are hinting that his behaviour can be difficult to mange at times...I would look at a reassessment of his needs.

CAMHS don't always get it right, not by a long shot.

Its really important that if there is something else going on - ASC, ADHD etc - that its identified so that a) your son's needs can be more clearly understood and met and b) he has a better understanding of himself as he grows up.

Go back and get a second opinion. With issues in school and clubs it's NOT parenting (not that I think for a second it is!)

I think would be looking at getting him re-assessed to be honest. Any possibility you could go private? In our area we have a specialist multi disciplinary diagnosis team for spectrum conditions. CAMHS do not diagnose here. Am in London. I have to say I have never heard anything good about CAMHS assessments with regards to diagnosing additional needs beyond mental health support, though I am quite sure they must do well in places where they are the only route to diagnosis.

get him re-referred or ask for a 2nd opinion.

Poor parenting ifls often a lazy CAMHS dx. I know a lot of poor parents who even received a dx for their child later on. I wouldn't accept that.

Your boys sound like a mix of 2 of my sons. One of whom does have asd, the other is very hyper but doesnt have any diagnosis. My son with asd gets very sensitive to nouse, crowds, lights, action, movements, smells. He used to get whipped up in busy places and rush about. Now he just avoiids them. First of all take what camhs say with a pinch of salt. I would ask to stay and watch at a club one day. See how he acts. I'm sure he will be no different to how he is at home. Enjoy your son (as you seem to be doing anyway) and just help him. It's amazing how children will listen when they seem not to. Tell him: When you are at x, do this (explain) but please dont do this (explain). He will listen. And ask him straight out: Are you enjoying x? What do you like? What dont you like? If your school feel that your son needs help they will probably have more force than you ridiculously - I suppose they do have more children to compare with. So if they ever show concern about anything be very open to further investigation. If they just want it to be a target they are not too concerned.

He is definitely not ASD. I spent two years dragging him to assessments before it was very definitely ruled out.

I took him for the assessments as the school refusal behaviour with verbal suicide threats was far outside my scope of normal behaviour. Two years later I understand that it is not just my child who over reacts in this way. Scool and CAMHS explained this was fairly common !

Now he still verbalised the suicide threats, says how unhappy and friendless he is there. But then bikes to school with no problem and the teachers say he is very happy once there.

So I follow CAMHS guidelines about acknowledging what he say's but not putting any weight on them.

DS started to refuse meals saying he was worthless and not worth feeding. But we are following same advice as above and he seems to have stopped this line of attention seeking behaviour too.

Take him to the gp and ask to have him reassessed. Gather information from the clubs, school and what you have said about friendships and all the other traits you've noticed. write it all own on one piece of paper and show it to the GP. Also that your other dc don't have the same behavioural issues.

Tag along to the clubs to see what they are concerned about. You can talk to him explicitly about when he should be sitting down and when he can run about. However, if he does have asd/adhd you will have to change your expectations of what he can/cannot do in terms of complying to rules he doesn't understand the benefit of and sitting still.

Wobble cushions help as the child can fidget but remain seated. Little fiddly things like bluetac can help if he doesn't throw them about.