Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

Your DP is withholding affection and says it won't improve until he has Xmas with his mum again.
He sounds like a spoilt brat. I would be tempted to kick him out and tell him to come home when he can start behaving like an adult. If it takes him until Christmas 2017, so be it. At least you could then focus on caring for your parents without worrying about this big baby.

On learning that your partner's DF is terminally ill, the correct response is - how can I help? What can I do to make your life easier? How much time to you need to spend with them? What can we do to support your parents?
It is not sulking and making your life miserable cause he doesn't get to spend Xmas day where he wants.

Weallhavewings. I wouldn't and if my DH was 'major pissed off' I'd be really disappointed in him. We make judgements and not everything has to be consulted on. This is a no brainer. The OPs father is dying. Her DH should be supporting her in whatever way he can. Not chucking his toys out his park because he wasn't consulted.

The rest if his behaviour is unconscionable.

My Dad had MND. The average life-expectancy is 2-3 years. Tell your husband to grow up.

Wow, so much response. Thank you - I've told him that there will be no compromise and I'm going to mum and dads. I've told him to speak to his mum about it, he said he wouldn't as he didn't want to upset her. I told him if he didn't I would and he said don't u dare! I told him he was being controlling, manipulative and emotionally abusive by doing this now when what I and my family need is his love, understanding and support. He said I hope u can live with that. I went to see friends this morning who have been lovely. I work full time and earn same as hubby so should b able to deal with separation. Ive told him I want us to see a therapist - he didn't respond to that so I'll pursue it. He's sulked off to gym now. I see my parents every holiday (just mum came down this time). He does have positive side, obviously this has brought the absolute worst out in him. He cooks, shops, buys his own families presents, cleans etc so it's not all bad! He definitely pulls his weight at home which not all dh do. Thanks to yr support I will not compromise. I don't know if this will mean then end or not.

Good for you op

He sounds like a total knob head to me. Has he expressed any sympathy in the slightest for your poor dad's diagnosis. Or is he too busy crying about not getting Christmas Day hugs from his mummy?

op

Good. Glad you can be so pragmatic about this and stick to your plans. Good luck. Silly man. He really does need to shape up.

Well done OP. Think you are handling this amazingly

He sounds like a very nasty and spoilt man

Please don't sacrifice these last precious times with your dad to this controlling, mean bastard

That's great, OP!👍👍

Happy Halloween 🎃🎃 no merry Christmas 🎁🎄🎄

I mean AND merry Christmas

Happy Halloween and Merry Christmas!!

Good for you op.

I really don't know why so many women put up with these cuntish manchildren. I wouldn't be allowing him to come with me to my parents when he'd already told me he was essentially going to ruin it with his childish, piss poor attitude. He could fuck off to his mothers on his own and I would reevaluate my relationship after Christmas.

Surely you don't want to be with such a manipulative arsehole?

I'm sure his mum will be a whole lot more understanding than he as been.

Well done op, you are doing the right thing.

Well done. Glad you are standing up for yourself and not letting him get away with this shit. What you have to ask yourself at some point is whether he makes you more happy than unhappy or if you spend too much time trying to appease and manage his moods. A lot of EA men behave just nice enough, often enough to keep you from writing them off and to make you stay because they appear to have some redeeming qualities. Just be aware of this whrn weighing up the relationship.

Well done Seren (lovely name) you sound brave and sensible. I agree with all the posters here who have made sensible comments and are encouraging you to do what is best for you.

OP I've just been talking about your thread with my DP, he's horrified by your DH's attitude. He thinks you should LTB as do I. Get rid and build a happy life for yourself. In the short term focus on your parents and DD and have a wonderful Christmas.

BTW what do you think his own mother's response will be when/if you discuss this with her? Is she likely to be supportive of him? If so, I wouldn't bother speaking to her myself.

Jeez your husband is an insensitive arsehole. I can understand about him not seeing his mum, but can't he realise how different this is?
Can't you go down the night before as planned and then he joins you on Christmas day after he has seen his mum?

And yes, I want to my first LTB [

Progress! He returned from gym (obviously this is his therapy). He articulated more insight than I gave him credit for - current situation is - he agrees his behaviour is not ok despite any validity for feeling hurt or marginalised he might have - real or imagined. He accepts Xmas on my terms and is going to try to stop being a total arse/tool. He also understands why I didn't consult him and wants me to try next time so he has a chance to behave appropriately. I'm still going to see about therapy as I think he needs help with expressing and controlling his emotions. Dd says she just doesn't want to b in middle of it - so I'll make sure of it (he will too).

Just looked up ltb - still an option but not jumping into it. I want him to acknowledge his inappropriate behaviours and not blame me ( apologies are empty if not acknowledged as wrong and plans to address them). So far so good. Going for walk later to talk more. Thanks again all 😘

Oh thats a great update, hopefully you are on your way to a more equal partnership and a better relationship.

Sometimes people cannot bend due to their own personalities. Even the tiniest change would set my DD off, she would not be able to cope, and it would come out in nastiness etc. Sometimes they need time to decide for themselves.

He may also not want you as he once did. Causing disagreements are often a sign that people are unhappy in general.