Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

Would his mum be on her own at Xmas, or will she have other friends/family to spend it with?

What is he actually proposing as an alternative, that you do a 4 hr drive on Xmas day in order to see both parents?

Either way, I think you should just be very calm about this now and tell him you and DD are going to your parents for Xmas as your dad is very unwell. He is of course free to stay and see his mum instead if he feels very strongly about it, that's fine.

I know you say you both want to be together, but IMO you should call his bluff and be prepared to spend this Xmas apart. It's not as unusual as you might think, I know lots of couples (including me and DP) who don't spend all of Xmas together every year due to families being so far apart.

I don't really understand why you would want to spend any day of the year with such a wanker, let alone Christmas Day.

He has withdrawn affection and has told you that is how it will be until he gets his way again - next Christmas? Can you just read that back to yourself and cop on? He is controlling and possibly emotionally abusive.

Why on earth would you inflict him on what could be your last Christmas with your Dad? You know he will ruin it for you, and possibly for them don't you?

Big Girl Pants. Tell him he has made his feelings clear, and you don't want him spoiling Christmas for you and your parents. You will be going up there and he can go to PILS.

Then sit down and think about how you ended up so conditioned to think his treatment of you is remotely reasonable or acceptable. It isn't.

I understand the whole "hate travelling and being away from home at Christmas". But tbh, he's only wasting Christmas himself. I would say that to him.

And say that you and DD are going to go to your parents. He can sulk if he wants. Time is precious. That's also why I'm going to say LTB.

It's a no-brainier. You must go and spend Christmas witch your family.

The 12 year old is 12! She's not a baby and doesn't have to to wake up on Christmas Day at home. What's the reasoning behind this?

Has your Dh heard of technology - the phone, FaceTime, Skype? He can still communicate with his parents!

Alternatively he can drive to his parent alone and you can stay at your parents if he is that desperate to see his mummy.

Can't believe he thinks spending 4 hours in a car every christmas day is reasonable - what a waste of a day. I'd give anything to have another christmas with my mum. Spend it with your dad, and if you need to do the same next year do the same. You'll never get that time back. He's quite happy to make sure he ruins the day for his own daughter by sulking? Let him have the day with his mother and you have a lovely day with your dad

Yadnbu

Take dd and spend Christmas with your parents. Let your not-so-dear h go to his mums. You say you both want to be together for Christmas but he's not making that an option, so put yourself and your parents first.

I would be seriously considering the relationship if my partner was such a childish, downright nasty, manipulative cunt at a time when I was needing their support and love the most.

Sorry OP, your DH sounds like a massive wanker. "Withholding affection" until you fall into line with his plans? Are his hugs and kisses so marvellous that he feels he can dole them out for your good behaviour as a reward? The problem isn't Christmas, it's your ridiculous man-child of a husband. Put your foot down and tell him you and DD will be going to spend Christmas with your seriously ill father and if he doesn't like it you'll leave him a ready meal for one and see him the day after Boxing Day.

Oh for goodness sake! Of course you should be with your Dad! Your DH is being utterly unreasonable. I'd also go separately, take your DD and leave your DH to wake up in his own home on Christmas morning (that's not a thing) cold comfort if he's alone. So sorry about your Dad OP, you deserve more support.

You should stick to your plans op. my mum had mnd and I spent as much time as I could with her despite the fact I lived a 6 hour car journey away. Your husband is being VU mnd is unpredictable and he's being selfish and childish behaving this way. Please go and have a fab time x x x

Does he really not get that you are facing the loss of a parent and that your Mum needs you support right now, just as you need his? This really isn't about who gets their own way, it's about whether you are a real family who pull together when things are tough. Tell him to grow up and get over his disappointment. You have done things his way for long enough, and I am sure he would be flexible if his own health or that of a member of his own family demanded it.

Not only should you go to your parents and tell him he can do as he wishes on Christmas Day personally I would tinsel the fuck out of the whole Christmas with your DD and ignore his attitude completely. I can't stand sulkers! He's hoping to ruin your Christmas to show you that if he can't be happy then you can't either - does he do this a lot? I bet he does!
Sod him. His parents are not more inportant than yours. He's had 12 years of his own way, time to change.

I would be spending Christmas with my daughter at my parent's. I have lost my dad, I would give anything for one more Christmas. I would have a lovely time making memories with them that you can treasure.
Then afterwards, I would come home and make plans to leave this man-child. What a self-centred, immature, selfish human being.
For now I would be calmly telling him what is going to happen, that I would rather he didn't join us and then tell his mummy everything. He can be alone for Christmas.

So you usually have to spend 4 hours on Christmas Day driving between 2 families?
Here we alternated but once children are in the picture you do your own thing, whatever that involves. Whether being at home or alternating etc

I have experienced the last ever Christmas with my Mum who was diagnosed with terminal cancer in the November so we knew it would be her last Christmas.

I have also experienced not knowing that a Christmas would be the last one with my lovely MIL. She was diagnosed in the December and was quarantined due to chemotherapy so we didn't spend Christmas with her and she died the following summer. Therefore, it made the Christmas from 18 months before our last one with her. Obviously we had no idea.

We always did a split visit Christmas day but geographically our families are only 20 minutes apart.

YANBU, your poor Dad may not see another Christmas, I would reverse this situation for your DP and ask him if this were the other way round and it was his mother asking for one full Christmas day with her how would he feel if you insisted on the split? Your DP is so selfish.

I still can't believe that you spend 4 hours in a car on Christmas day. We used to do 2 hours, it is now down to 1 hour, but 4?

I agree your DP sounds EA and very much used to getting his own way. That is why he is being unreasonable, this isn't about your Dad, this is about him losing the control he has over dictating what happens at Christmas, and probably a lot of the time.

I can't believe that some posters are suggesting that the OP's mother should invite her husband's parents along. For what! So that he can gaze at his mother on Christmas Day, and then resume his 'affection' with the OP.

OP, my heart goes out to you. MND is a truly cruel diagnosis and I am sure that your parents need your support, and in turn you need your husband's support. I am incredulous at his response. Please don't think that is normal behaviour because it is about as far from normal as one could get.

Put your foot down. Tell him it's not up for consultation, and if he wants to behave like a toddler, then just to get on with it. He is hoping that by sulking with you, that you will back down. If this turns out to be your dads last Xmas, you will resent your DH and regret not having been firmer. He sounds totally insensitive and a bully.

Your husband is not just being idiotic, he is being manipulative and cruel. He is attempting to "punish" you by with-holding affection because you have arranged something without asking. Fair enough if he'd been a bit irritated by the lack of consultation and said so, but the on-going punishment is a form of control and emotionally abusive IMHO.

You say you have had to do things his way for 12 years- why? Why was there no compromise possible? He surely can't expect to have things his way all the time- or does he usually get his own way?

If I were you, I'd be as angry with him for the way he is treating you and the complete lack of compassion he is showing you and your family. Your dad has a terrible illness, which means he may well not be with you next christmas, or even if he is he will not be in a very good state. I am astounded that this man who supposedly loves and respects you cannot do christmas your way even once, in these circumstances. If I were you, I would take your DD to your parents for christmas and let him go to his mum's.

I don't know what you can do to change the situation, but I honestly think you need to look at your relationship as it doesn't sound very healthy to me.

I would talk to your MIL and DD in private and get them onside. Ignore/divorce your H.

Aside from him being a total douche, I was wondering if his mum knows he is saying this to you? I wonder if she would be mortified that her son is putting her above your ill DF?

It shouldn't have to come to that but maybe she will give him a massive bollocking about it and he would realise he was being a shit?

Go and have your Christmas, screw him!

Out of interest what would your MIL say if you told her? I know you say he wouldn't be happy but focus on her for a minute. Would she be understanding about the situation? Upset with him for his behaviour?
I'm wondering because for a few years we ended up at my IL's every year because it's 'family' and my side don't really do a big Christmas. 3 years ago I'd had enough and suggested a change. People could come to us if they wanted but we weren't going anywhere. Now DH was on side for this unlike yours but worried about his parents reaction. Turns out she was relieved that she wouldn't have to host! I wonder if he assumes that she wants to host you every year and has imposed his will on her as well as you...

If I were married to this man child I would tell hi mum.

Or I would give him the option to go to his mum whilst you and dd go to your parents this year. He is not allowed to come and be miserable and make it any harder than it already is.

Tbh. I think it is time to lose your shit with him and go nuclear.

Roll on fifteen years. Your DD has a child: your grandchild. You have just discovered you are suffering from a terminal degenerative disorder.

You have asked your daughter to come to you for Christmas, because you know that whatever may happen, this is likely to be the last time you can have anything like a normal time with her.

She agrees initially, but then calls back to say her husband is sulking, threatening to misbehave to ruin her Christmas and yours and that of your grandaughter if he doesn't get his own way about how he wants Christmas to be.

What would you want her to do? Would you want her to be with someone that cruel?

You can only make this decision once. You have this one chance to do the right thing for and with your parents. Don't take him along. He has already told you he intens to ruin it.

If he choses to try to mend the relationship, then you will be in a much stronger position. He will know that sulking and threatening to get his way doesn't work with you. If he chooses to go, you will know he didn't really care as much about you as you do about him, and that might be hard to face, but it is the reality.

I finally stopped giving in to my husband's sulking. We're still together. Ypu are teaching your DD, she is learning from you. Grab your courage in both hands and do what you know is right.

Your dh is being a twat.

Yes you were wrong to not consult him, however I can understand why you didn't.

He needs to grow up, what kind of man resolves his problems like that. I'd be telling him to duck off and do what he wants but that you and your dad will be spending Christmas at your parents as your dad is so ill.

Why can't your parents come to you?

I understand the unwillingness to travel. We have more than one Christmas Day here, with presents and lunch. Although I'm afraid needing to be away for Christmas Day would be a deal breaker for me. Although I'm more than happy to travel around the Christmas week. You decided unilaterally which I find awful.

Tell OH to grow up and get a grip!