Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

[Seren68]

He definitely finds change hard. I'm confident he isnt trying to push me away. He acknowledges his behaviour is doing that and plans to improve (and for last 2 hours I've seen it is working) so I know that even if we fail it won't be due to lack of interest or not caring - on either way part

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Well that's a good start. He wants to be given the opportunity to behave more appropriately. So he does see he's behaving badly. Lots of work required and therapy is a great option for you both. I'm sure you're hoping it will help him to behave better and it should also help you to create clear boundaries of what is and isn't acceptable. It does take a brave person to admit their behaviour is bad so I can see why you feel hopeful.

[Lynnm63]

I wonder if he'd been slagging you off to friends at the gym and was horrified to find his friends thought he was a controlling arse too. They may have said my wife would kick me out if I pulled that stunt.

[PutDownThatLaptop]

I am so glad that you are going to be with your parents. I still remember one moment when I consciously looked round the room at my parents and my DB and thought "This is it - the four of us - and it never will be again."
My dad survived three weeks after his final Christmas. When he was dying my DH would go to work full time during the day (as would I) and would then spend the nights taking it in turns with me to watch over my DF while my DM got some sleep.
Good luck OP, you are doing the right thing.

[AcrossthePond55]

I think the two of you are making progress. Stick to your resolution that he get counseling. If he won't go, go yourself to get the tools to deal with him or the clarity to know whether to LTB or stick it out.

I wish you a very blessed Christmas with your parents.

[LeftRightUpDown]

I was in this situation a few year's ago.

At my DH suggestion I woke up Christmas morning at home with the boys and watched them open their gifts. I then travelled the hr to my parents. Dad was in a hospice.

Spent the day and night there. My PIL went to my house for Christmas day.

They all came the next day (boxing day) to the hospice.

At no time was I ever made to feel unreasonable. Everyone knew this was definitely Dad's last Christmas and that trumped everything.

He was dead 3 weeks later.

Please be with your parents this year

[Headofthehive55]

Your DH may also be thinking that it could be his mums last Christmas too. But not articulating it to you. People often have worries that they don't speak about. By insisting that he sees his parents he doesn't have to face that or be told he is being dramatic. People who tend to like control I've found are often anxious.

[Topseyt]

I have been horrified by this thread. I take my hat of to you OP, for handling it as well as you seem to be. Far better than I would have, I am sure.

I can't believe that he ever thought of this as reasonable behaviour. I hope he improved now and is contrite, but actions will speak louder than words and this behaviour will be very hard for you to put aside. I hope he knows that.

My FIL had MND. From diagnosis he lived for about another 18 months. It would never have even occurred to me to behave towards my DH then in the way that your DP has behaved to you.

His behaviour has been nothing short of disgraceful. I couldn't forget that in a hurry.

for you. Stay strong. You are doing the right things.

[mathanxiety]

I hate to be gloomy here, but for future Christmases it's very possible your mum will be on her own .

Does your H (I've dropped the 'D') anticipate that the old arrangement will continue once your dad is no longer with you? Because that would be awful for your mum.

He needs to stop hiding behind the mistaken idea that fair means equal, and start bending to meet people's actual, real needs.

He also understands why I didn't consult him and wants me to try next time so he has a chance to behave appropriately.
He is still according himself the position of the person who has power of veto with his 'give me a chance to behave appropriately' suggestion.
How about he tries to accept a done deal arranged by you instead? How would he feel about that reversal of positions?

Hopefully he will apologise from the bottom of his heart for the damage he has done to DD - this is something I would personally have a very hard time getting past. It would be very high up there in a list of deal breakers, in fact.

You need therapy for yourself and he most definitely needs it.

I second the suggestion from Lynnm that he got his arse handed to him at the gym this morning.

[SusanneLinder]

Well am glad things are better OP. I really hope you get this sorted. Maybe his gym buddies had a word or maybe once he thought about it he saw a bit of sense, and was just an overreaction to having it sprung on him.
Good luck xx

[Seren68]

Thanks all - he has no gym buddies! He thought it all through on his own! I respect that he came to these conclusions without help. It is not all miraculously better - that takes time and work but I think we r both keen to give it a go and coming from same place. I am no shrinking violet and aside from this side of his behaviour regarding his family and our differing concepts of 'fairness' & 'equality' we have an equal partnership - if he were like this in all areas of our life I would walk.

[autumnintheair]

*Where is his fucking empathy? Most people have more empathy for strangers than this man has for the woman her presumably loves^

This x 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Why can't your parents come to you?

normally I would agree but on this occasion I think thats really un fair

[RoseRose217]

Good luck op.

A lot of people on here seem to jump to 'leave him, you'll meet someone better' like it's the answer to everything. I'm not sure where they think all these perfect, flawless men are that everyone is going to meet.

[autumnintheair]

True Rose

[Headofthehive55]

How about hiring a house for you all near to your parents? Your mil / fil might be able to come too for one night and your siblings too? Might give more room.

[RoseRose217]

That's a nice idea for future years, to hire a house.

[mathanxiety]

Who says they are going to meet someone else?

You can be perfectly happy without a man, you know.

[LumpySpacedPrincess]

You don't have to attached to a man to be happy and you don't have to put up with emotional abuse. There are far too many women putting up with crap because society tells them that the need to be with a man.

[HighDataUsage]

I am so glad you are spending Christmas with your parents. I would jump at the chance to have another New year with my dear old dad. Sending you and your family all good wishes op.

[Spadequeen]

I'm pleased that he seems to have come to his senses but I have to pick up on the fact that he didn't want to upset his mum. WTF?

But he was quite happy to upset you, his DD and the rest of your family.

Good luck op

[noddy]

My darling dad is no longer here. Be with them. Be with yr mum and dad. You are their child. It's not a competition. Your partner sounds despicable. Get Christmas over with yr mum and dad and take a seriously good look at yr relationship with yr selfish controlling pig. All my love to your mum n dad.

[Cubtrouble]

Your husband has some serious issues, it's a few days over Christmas to see your father who may not feel up to it next year.

Tell your husband to put his big boy pants on and grow the fuck up. I would literally use those words. Wtaf about no affection?

Your daughter sounds grown up enough to handle it. I'd be going to my mums with or without man-baby

[Cubtrouble]

High data and noddy- what they said.

Be with your dad

[Nanny0gg]

I don't understand how he has gone from behaving so badly to a complete about-face in the space of an hour at the gym.

You're a better woman than I am, OP because if I was married to that excuse for a husband he would be spending every day as well as Christmas with his mum as he wouldn't be living with me!

[Craigie]

YANBU. Your husband is being a selfish prick. Go to your parents, take your daughter, and your sulky, man baby husband can do what he wants. If his mother is upset by this, then that tells you all you need to know about how your husband learned to be such a dick.