Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

Your DD sounds lovely.

Good luck and good night, OP.

I'm guessing that your husband usually gets what he wants if he acts this way? He seems to be using both your daughter and his mum as excuses to do exactly as he wants especially as you say they would probably be fine about the change especially this year. Consultation only works if you are dealing with another sensible grown up. How is he going to react when your daughter is older and doesn't want to be dragged about on Christmas Day or when she has her own partner/ kids will he behave the same way with her stamping his foot and having a tantrum like a 5 year old my dad has passed now but we knew in advance that one particular year it was going to be his last Christmas, he had cancer, and we had a wonderful family day which my children still remember now and talk about spending that precious time with their grandad.
Although your dad may have other Christmases they won't be the same given his condition.
Honestly if it was me I'd tell my husband that I was going and taking your daughter and that he could go and spend the whole day with his family and grow the fuck up. But I could just ignore his nonsense.
If you can't manage that then I would suggest to your DP's that you have a special "Christmas Day" on Christmas Eve or some other day over the holidays, the time you spend together is way more important than the actual day of the week. Many families have to do this if a loved one is away over Christmas, one year we had Christmas at Easter when my sister was working abroad and couldn't get enough time off over Christmas. It was fabulous we got out the decorations played carols had a full roast dinner and hung creme eggs on the tree.

What a dick!! I second telling him to spend EVERY day with his mother from now on. I'm guessing as you say his mother wouldn't have a problem with this to point you could possibly even get her to back you up she'd be utterly ashamed of his behaviour! He really is acting like a toddler his own 12 year old is more mature than him! And to do this at a time when you must be unbelievably worried about your poor dad and mum is UNFORGIVABLE. Never mind him withdrawing affection from you I would find such an attitude a massive turn off!

What, does he think he's Lysistrata or something? If he were my DH I'd tell him withhold away, there's nothing he can give me that I can't get with a vibrator and two D cells. OK, maybe I wouldn't take it that far.

I think he's being very selfish, and frankly cruel. He's playing his mother's health 'what if' against your father's neuro 'certainty' trying to make them seem equal. They aren't. Hell, we're all going someday, maybe I should 'guilt' my married son into every holiday because 'I may get hit by a meteor and you'll have missed my last Christmas!'.

I'd probably tell my DH that he had two choices 1) Stay home and shut up or 2) Go and make a very ill man and a sad woman very happy on what may be his last Christmas. Actually, there's a third choice; get the fuck out and stay out.

If I sound angry, it's because my own wonderful father died of Cerebellar Degeneration. Watching someone you love deteriorate like that tears you apart. I watched my mother's heart break day by day, just as I watched my father's condition deteriorated bit by bit. My DH was a true rock for both my mother and I, giving of himself and putting nothing in the way of my doing what I felt was best for my parents. That's what a true partner does.

The time you have with your father when he can still respond to you, when you can still see his happiness on his face is more precious than you can know. Don't let anyone or anything take that away from you.

I could not stay in a relationship with a man who behaved like this.

Such controlling and petty behaviour at such a time would kill any feelings I had.

So your dad has MND and he is throwing a strop about not seeing his mum on Christmas Day. Honestly OP how do you put up with this man child?

He us being a grade one twat - where is his support?

Big sympathies OP

My dad was diagnosed with MND 14 years ago, and my then 'D'P pitched a fit when I wanted to spend Christmas with my parents when it was supposed to be the year we went to his family. He gave me the cold shoulder and withdrew affection too. Luckily I realised what a selfish twat I was involved with and dumped him.

I spent that Christmas with my dad and I'm so incredibly glad I did. We'd been told survival was most probably going to be 2-3 years, but the disease advanced frighteningly fast and he was dead just a month after Christmas - only seven months after his diagnosis.

You would not be in the least bit unreasonable to insist that just this once things are done your way - he's had it his way for years. Why does his way always have to take precedence? Especially in such circumstances. If he can't comprehend why you might want one last Christmas with a parent who is definitely dying of a frankly shitty disease (not nebulously 'in less than great heath' like his mother) then he's just got no heart.

YANBU, I am sorry but your husband is a massive shit. You did not consult him on something which is, frankly, a no-brainier. Of course you should be with your dad, and mum. Of course your dd should be with her grandparents.

Your husband could (IMHO) be whereever he wants to be. I would say that you did not consult him because you did not answer for him. You answered for you and dd because this is a serious illness and not a vague possibility of someone else not being around for Christmas next year from his family.

Are you happy with this selfish man who is tied to his mum's apron strings? The way he is behaving in the face of your devastating news is not behaviour I would expect of my six year old son, let alone my husband.

You have already apologized for not consulting him (which I don't think you needed to do as he was not open to negotiation, and as I say you have decided for you and your daughter, not for him).

If he does not want to offer you any affection, I would say so be it. Maybe he will grow tired of this childish behaviour and ask you how your father is, and how he can help you in this terribly difficult time, or other stuff which a normal man would be expected to do under these circumstances!

Can I ask what your dd is worried about in terms of not having Christmas in her own home? It is quite normal for people to go to different places for Christmas day and it sounds like every Christmas you went to your parents and in-laws, is that right?

Anyway, rest assured, it is not you, it is definitely him in the wrong.

I'm afraid if he was my dh id tell him to fuck off to his Mums tomorrow and to stay there permanently. this might be your dads last Christmas you'd think he'd be bending over backwards to give you good memories.
He doesn't sound very nice withholding affection to try and get his own way. That's unacceptable in a toddler, it's very annoying in an adult. I'd give your dd the option of Christmas with your family or her dad, I would explain that this could be the last Christmas Grandad will be able to Enjoy with her.

He is being a bit childish! Unfortunately everyone is childish at times and Xmas brings out the inner child in many of us.

Is it possible for his mum to join in with your family, and have a large Christmas that includes everyone? That way he doesn't have to pick.

I thought this Rose but I don't see why the OP's mum should have to accommodate extra guests at this time (with her husband diagnosed in this way).

I think that the OP's dh is not being childish, he is being manipulative and cruel. I'd say his mum is welcome to him on Christmas day.

This is not just about what happens on one day a year this is about who is the most important person to you, your life partner who is going through a time of crisis of your mum. If the OP's DH sticks to his plans to prioritize his own (healthy) mum over the Op's very unwell father, then that says to me that the not so dear husband prioritizes his mum over his own wife.

Very controlling to remove affection, that would really hurt me.

Your dh should be more understanding with your fathers condition. I think you should definitely go with your daughter and tell your husband that if he wants he can go to his parents alone. He doesn't need to be there to spoil your day.

If you don't go you will regret it.

You should have talked about it but he is being EA.
To be honest the whole situation is rediculous. You are grown adults with what I assume is now a non believing child. Why not just have 2 Christmas'? Surely then everyone can have the Christmas they want with no one missing out. We have a small child but we have 3 full on Christmas days with various inlaws. Does they actual date matter that much?

He sounds childish, selfish and just awful. He isn't behaving like a man who loves and cares about you.

If I was in your situation my DH would never, ever behave in the same way yours is, he would 100% back my decision and would do whatever he could to support me and make life more bearable in a very sad situation.

Is he always this controlling?

Ask him what he expects if his mother ever became terminal and asked for one last Christmas with your family. Should you refuse to do a last Christmas with her, because by then your mother willbea widow herself and will need your support? Should you withhold support and affection when your husband will be going through an emotional turmoil dealing with a parent's diagnosis? Should you act just like he is to you right now?

I am so sorry you have had this news OP. Just the worst. I am so sorry.

I would not attempt to reason with him. I would tell him straight that you are absolutely appalled that he could be so inconsiderate and selfish, and that you are both hurt and angry. How dare he complain about not waking up at home on Christmas Day in the face of what you are dealing with? Giving you more problems right now rather than his total love and support is outrageous. Never mind him withdrawing affection, if I were you I could barely stand to be in the same room. I would tell him to cut it out and make it up to you fast, or you will be reassessing the relationship. Absolutely shocked, I have never heard of such selfishness. I think he is being very manipulative here, trying to withhold affection to get his way. Make certain he knows he has pushed it too far, and is playing fast and loose with your affection for him.

Your husband would rather drive for 4 hours on Christmas Day rather than wake up somewhere other than you own home?

You 110% should spend the day with your family considering your Dad's condition.

Until last year we had spent zero time with my in laws on Christmas Day (their doing, not ours!) but MIL was diagnosed with terminal cancer last Oct so at her request we all spend Christmas Day at her house last year and as much as it wasn't my preference for the day & I was a bit upset that it took for her to be dying for her to ask to see our kids at Christmas, I understood it from my husbands point of view and as it turned out she passed away a few weeks ago so I am happy we did what we did last Christmas.

Ask you husband to turn the tables and how he would feel if he was in your position and how he would want you to react to this request! It may not be his 1st choice but he should do it (happily!) for you.

He sounds horrible OP, I wonder if he might feel the same one day if he was unwell and his own daughter couldn't spend Christmas with him because of her DP?

I hope he comes to his senses and you get it sorted, withdrawing affection is so cruel, especially under these circumstances.

To answer your question. EA - Emotionally Abusive

If my dh acted like this, I'd tell him dd and I were going to my parents and he could go to his mother's. I wouldn't accept him to come, sulk and spoil what maybe your last Christmas with your father. He's acting like a spoilt brat and yes, EA. A poster upthread suggested having his mum come over. Personally I wouldn't want that. It's simply pandering to your dh, and this is special family time. The way I see it, you've done exactly what he wanted for the past god knows how many years. Now it's your turn to do what is right for you and your parents and honour them.

As for the lack of consultation, TBH, I don't think that's entirely unreasonable under the circumstances. Does he consult you about everything he does? Does he consult you about how to spend Christmas each year, or does he just impose his will? I think not. I'm really angry for you. My dad died when I was in my teens. It's never easy having your dad being terminally ill however old you are.

Sorry but if my DH was behaving like this I'd be seriously questioning the type of man is chosen to be in a relationship with.

Christmas is about family. Your mum wants/needs you there and that should be enough. You shouldn't need to spell out that it's important to you to be there!

(And I say this as someone who always spends Christmas morning at home since having DC. In this situation, if it was DH's dad, we'd absolutely go to his parents. I wouldn't expect him to consult me, either, it would just be obvious that's what we'd do.)

He's behaving terribly as has been said. Hope you can repeat all the good pints people have made and tell him he's being a dick. He should absolutely be supporting you and should be extra affectionate. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with him being a selfish prick on top of worrying about your dad.

My nan was disgnosed with terminal cancer 2 Christmasses ago so my DM spent last Christmas and the one before with her and her siblings. (In another town and nan too ill for lots of people around) My DF and brother had to 'make do' and sort themselves out for Christmas. My DF understood completely.

Your DP needs to get a bloody sense of reality. If your 12 year old daughter can understand it but he can't then that says a lot. Yes you didn't consult him about it but your reasons for wanting to spend Christmas with your dad are totally valid.

Perhaps you could compromise and suggest a Boxing Day/new year day at his DM's or invite his family to yours?

TBH though I'd be furious with his attitude and he wouldn't need to withhold affection to punish me, I'd gladly not give him any.

Your DP sounds horrendous and is seriously lacking in emphathy. Your dad has MND. Suck it up for one year and 100% spend xmas with your parents. I cannot believe how childish and downright nasty he is being. Just wow

By the way OP, you are not caught between a rock and a hard place. You are caught between a reasonable and clearly correct request from a loving family, and a manipulative selfish man. It worries me that you doubt what you should do or whether you are being reasonable, it sounds like you have been the victim of his controlling nature for a long time. It could not be more clear that YANBU. He is being horrible.

Your daughter is 12 and still a child. Therefore she goes where you take her. Your husband sounds fucking awful imo.