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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas

221 replies

Seren68 · 30/10/2016 00:44

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

OP posts:
Maverickismywingman · 30/10/2016 09:35

No kath I didn't miss that bit. My point being though - I wouldn't just wait for Christmas to be with them. 4 hours is doable in a day or a weekend. Not a big point. Just what I would do.

Headofthehive55 · 30/10/2016 09:37

We all don't see things the same. I don't need personal insults. I am only giving my opinion.
That Christmas Day can be another day. And it's still special. Christmas is a period not one day. You might be able to have a few days together at a different time perhaps?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/10/2016 09:38

I bet if he went to his parents and you and your daughter went to yours you would have a lovely time.

Aderyn2016 · 30/10/2016 09:39

It is really hard to recognise the signs of being in an emotionally abusive relationship because it starts of slowly and gradually increases until it utterly wears you down. Often you need someone from 'outside' to point it out to you. Everyone on this thread can see it. My advice, given that you are new to mumsnet, is to stay here and keep posting. Take a look at the relationships topic. You will see that you are not alone - lots of women are in similar situations. There is lots of support on MN, even though we have a reputation for being harsh.

As far as your situation goes, I wouldn't apologise for lack of consultation. I wouldn't have asked my dh either - a man who loves you wouldn't need to be asked. He would want to do everything he could to make this time easier for you.

You might not be ready to hear this, but long term I think you are going to have to leave him. So with that in mind, consider your financial situation. Do you have a job and access to money? An account solely in your name with some emergency funds? Is the house in joint names? Do you know where to get copies of his wage slips and pension details. Although if you are not married, these may be less important. Sorry to bombard you, but I think you need to consider your long term future here. Flowers

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/10/2016 09:39

Head, he is behaving in a cruel and abusive way, that's the issue. Surely he can do his parents on a different day?

Ncbecauseitshard · 30/10/2016 09:41

The being grumpy thing is so ridiculous, deciding his mood months in advance. He really shouldn't go if he's going to upset you when you need to be at full strength for your Mum.
Your daughter is losing her grandad and her father is making her into a pawn in your relationship, I'd be worried about how she's coping and making sure she's getting affection and putting him last.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 30/10/2016 09:41

Mr Right and Mr Wrong he is falling into the wrong camp.

Headofthehive55 · 30/10/2016 09:43

Yes of course. lumpy

sofatrainer · 30/10/2016 09:44

I can't actually believe what I'm reading. Your dad is terminally ill, it's a complete no brainer and you absolutely must be with your family. Your DH is being an arse of the highest degree. Your daughter sound like a good girl, it's not her ideal Xmas, I get that, but she understands that this is exceptional and that she should also be with her grandfather.

SamhainSoubriquet · 30/10/2016 09:45

I would take my daughter and go on my own and leave him to sulk.

Or better yet, kick him out so he can go to his precious mums

What a twat. I couldn't look at him the same way again after this. To be completely dismissive of my feelings with my dad, when he is dying like this.

No way.

If he can't see that, he is the most selfish absorbed person ever.

You deserve better.

Can you see him being supportive when your dad passes? I can't. He will probably whine then because you're not giving him attention

kath6144 · 30/10/2016 09:46

But Maverick - Op hasnt said that she isn't spending time with her parents every week or 2? Unless I have missed something?

The thread is specifically about her spending Christmas with them, and her brother, not how much time she spends with them now?

I saw my mum weekly towards the end of last year, but Christmas day is special and I wanted to spend the last one with her. It was nothing to do with how much time we had spent together leading up to Christmas?

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 30/10/2016 09:47

I am sorry for your difficult situation. It's hard to please everyone, but would it be all right if you went to stay with your parents for Christmas this year while your husband/child stayed at home and then visited his mum?

You can't possibly be in two places at once and that's when all the guilt starts. Your DH should realise this.

MND is a devastating illness - I lost my DH to it six years ago around Christmas so it brings back all sorts of memories. Your parents need you as your poor dad may not be around for much longer. I hope you/they've got support from the MNDA and the hospice movement - they're worth their weight in gold. We couldn't have coped without them.

SapphireStrange · 30/10/2016 09:47

I'm not sure who's actually 12 in this scenario; your DD or your husband. The former sounds terrific, the latter a sulky whingy emotional blackmailer.

Tell him he's welcome to have Christmas with his mum and you'll take your DD to Christmas with your parents.

sofatrainer · 30/10/2016 09:50

Have you spoken to his mum? Surely if she's a decent person she will tell you that it's a no brainer that you're with your family and will tell her son to get over there pronto too?

BewtySkoolDropowt · 30/10/2016 09:52

I'm beginning to wonder if Head is actually the op's DH and spies on what she does online...

Head, you are correct, Christmas can be celebrated on a day other than the 25th. Why would it need to be the Op, with a terminally ill father, that bends, instead of her husband who has, so far, always called the shots with regard to Christmas?

Maverickismywingman · 30/10/2016 09:52

kath you are quite right. I was just making a passing comment that I would be around as much as I could manage. I was not meaning to pass on the assumption that the OP wasn't already doing that and I did not mean to derail or take focus off the thread.

On another note, If IT were me, I might, job and other commitment dependent, leave DP and go and temporarily live with my 4 hour away family anyway.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 30/10/2016 09:54

For the people suggesting the daughter stay at home - how much do you think it would mean to the whole family (including the daughter) for the daughter to be there for what may well be the family's last Christmas?

She should absolutely go with the op to op's family.

Maverickismywingman · 30/10/2016 09:55

*obviously what I've said has logistical problems. I realise that. But I would want away from the DP.

Wolpertinger · 30/10/2016 10:00

I asked my DH if he would expect me to consult him in similar circumstances because I wouldn't - he said no because it's so obvious you would be spending your Christmas with your Dad and it would be his role to support you. As a loving husband. And neither of his parents would have assumed otherwise even though usually they have the emotional IQ of a gnat

Your husband is an arse, please focus on your parents and tell him to get with the program and start supporting you as you lose your DDad to a hideous disease.

Or you won't be going to his mum's for next Christmas either as you will have divorced him.

SamhainSoubriquet · 30/10/2016 10:06

My Dh would say the same thing Wolper

He hates going to my parents house. They smoke like a chimney. But he wouldn't hesitate to high foot it down there if one of them was dying of a degenerate illness

Astro55 · 30/10/2016 10:06

I'd agree that if DH was put on the same spot if one of his family was terminally ill - there would be no discussion - you do what's expected in the circumstances - your DD has no doubt been a great father and parents generally give so much to their children and this is your turn to support your mom in her hour of need - no discussion needed

ample · 30/10/2016 10:17

Your H is throwing his toys out because he can't get his own way.
'Withholding affection'? Hmm Good grief.

I would go to my parents and let him go to his imo he could do whatever he wanted to do at this stage

I would take my DD with me rather than putting her in the position to choose (and then living with the regret of not spending a possible last Christmas with her ill DGF).
I'm not saying force her to go. Only if she wants to go, without putting her in a position of wanting to please both parents and/or both DGP's.

She's not a baby, no, but she's only 12...12 with what seems like maturity and common sense beyond her years. She sounds lovely 😊

Can't say the same for your H.
He on the other hand is an adult and he needs to act like one.
There are times in life where things don't go our way and take us out of our routines. This is such an instance for your family. He needs to man up.
Yes, you could celebrate Christmas on another day with your inlaws if you all go to visit your family this year but after his sulky response to your predicament, I wouldn't want him with me on Christmas Day.

WeAllHaveWings · 30/10/2016 10:17

YABU to agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once and not involve your dh in the discussion/decision with others on where/how your family spend Xmas. I would be major pissed with that too.

But due to the circumstances, and after you have sincerely apologised for making the decision unilaterally, he needs to get over it and be a bit more understanding.

RaeSkywalker · 30/10/2016 10:27

I can't believe that he's "withholding affection" at the time you probably need it most. It's not just about the day is it, it's about his whole attitude towards you and your emotional needs. I'm shocked by his total lack of empathy.

I'd honestly be going to my parents and leaving him behind. You don't need the extra stress of him throwing his toys out of the pram at an already emotional time.

RaeSkywalker · 30/10/2016 10:28

Also, your DD sounds lovely.