Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

[kittybiscuits]

Does he know you use Mumsnet OP?

[mundoespanol]

Your DH is a selfish dick. Your dad is ill and only going to get worse, surely he can miss one Christmas with his family. My DH has had ONE christmas in 15 years with his parents as he is from a far away land and we cant easily go for Christmas! You only have one mum and one dad, and when one of them is ill its really tough. I am angry and upset on your behalf, this has really upset me!

[NERAK4791]

Honestly, if my husband behaved like yours I would leave him. If he be grudges you time with your very ill father he must have a heart of stone

[Tapandgo]

Your husband needs to spend Christmas reflecting on how appalling his behaviour is towards you - and to his ill FIL, as well as the bad example he is giving to his young daughter. Give the best Christmas ever to your parents - and let your husband deal with the consequences

[Daydream007]

YANBU. Your DH is being childish and selfish

[Touchmybum]

I would never have forgiven my dh for acting like that. We didn't know that one Christmas was our last Christmas with both my parents, but I am so glad we spent it with them. It's a very lonely thing to have no parents to go home to at Christmas, so my advice is to do it while you can. Regrets are hard to carry.

[Danlsb]

I understand how you feel it is so hard trying to please everyone. However you have to accept that someone will be unhappy and I think that person will have to be your DP. If you don't spend Christmas with your dad you will always regret it and future Christmases will be tainted. I think it's also important your daughter goes with you so she gets the chance to be part of your special family Christmas. I would write a note to DP apologising for not consulting him and explaining just why it's so important for you and dd to be there - say you would love him to be with you too but if he really wants to spend Christmas with his own mum you will understand. Be strong if he loves you he will get over it soon enough. Good luck and so sorry about your dad

[NannyHJ]

You've apologised for not consulting him so don't need to mention it again.

YANB remotely U. This Christmas belongs to your family and your DH needs to stop sulking and support you. Take your DD to your parents home and make a precious memory for her (and you) of a really special Christmas with her Grandpa. I would tell DH that you would love it if he was also there but, seeing as he's a grown up, you appreciate that he's entitled to make up his own mind on this one.

I'm sorry he's not offering you the support he should.

[Swizzel]

I really feel for you Seren68, what a truly horrible situation to be in. Personally, I wouldn't be trying to reason with your DP any more - he understands perfectly well why you want to spend Christmas with your parents this year. It's his choice to behave badly, and it's his choice to act like a child in a pathetic attempt to manipulate you into bending to his will. I would simple ignore the self-centred bastard for a few days and let him stew in his own juices. Could you perhaps talk to his mum about the whole situation and see what her take is on it? And whilst you're speaking to her, perhaps you could ask his parents to start paying you child support for having custody of their man-child.

Big hugs to you, and I hope you have a wonderful Christmas and make some extra special memories with your dad.

[movpov]

Exactly what Swizzel just said. I'd be questioning whether I really wanted to spend Christmas with someone behaving like this. I've seen 5 year olds acting more maturely - he 'can't get over it'?!!!! Seriously?!!! Go to your family, have Christmas with your dad and tell your twat of a husband to stay behind and pray he is never in that position

[Agerbilatemycardigan]

If a partner of mine reacted this way, I would be seriously re-thinking my relationship. He's acting like a spoiled brat that's used to getting what he wants. He doesn't seem to care that news of your DF's illness must've come as a huge shock, and that you need his support now more than ever - even if it's just a hug or a comforting word.

So sorry that you're stuck with such a poor excuse of a husband when what you need is someone who'll be your rock in your time of need.

There were only a few weeks between my father being diagnosed with cancer and him dying. I wish that I'd known that the previous Christmas would be his last so that I could've done things differently.

Somebody that loves you would understand your need to spend Christmas with your DF. It seems to me that your OH only loves himself. And trying to use your daughter as leverage is pretty damned low and says everything we need to know about him.

[Seren0805]

That's really sad. I think your partner is behaving like a spoilt child and you need his support. I think you should go and help your parents celebrate the best Christmas ever. Maybe your partner should have Christmas with his family as he sounds like he wants to make you feel as guilty as poss? This way he can't ruin yours. Can you chat to daughter about how things are for your parents and maybe do something over the holiday period, just you and her? x

[thefairyfellersmasterstroke]

I'm glad he has come round, OP.

He sounds very similar to my EX, whose first reaction to any change was usually either a tantrum and outright refusal, or he was pitched into the depths of darkest despair, no matter how reasonable or necessary the change was.

In most cases I'd have to wait until he'd thought it through, or the rationale of the issue suddenly became clear to him, only in his case he would then think it was his idea so of course it was wonderful! The process could take anything from half an hour to several months.

What I ended up having to do, if it's any help to you, was whenever something cropped up that I knew would make him blow his top, I wouldn't tell him until I'd worked out the best way to 'sell' it to him, put a bit of positive spin on everything for him.

This meant I could never just say "Guess what?" or "XXX has happened" and then talk it through, as he'd sit with his head in his hands for days, it would be all my fault, and he'd point-blank refuse to see any bright side or show acceptance of the situation.. And withhold affection.

Of course this is very wearing, and is just one of many reasons why he is my EX. He refused to talk to anyone though, or would agree and make the appointment, then cancel it as just the very idea of talking to someone had apparently 'cured' him. Till the next time.

I hope your DH talks to someone and gets some help to see why his behaviour is unreasonable.

[Cucumber5]

What's he like normally? He sounds abnormally controlling and sulky. What's his father like?why is your DH lacking in empathy and support at a very low point when you've just had your dads diagnosis?

If his mother died before next Xmas it would just be bad luck. Unfortunate timing wise but just one of those things. There is no way you should spend your time beforehand worrying.

[Cucumber5]

Great news! Still get therapy as his response was not normal for a living relationship

[Cucumber5]

Loving relationship

[Zandra01]

He need to grow up. Your dad is ill where is the respect and loyalty. It is one Christmas hopefully he will have many more.

[Roversandrhodes]

Honestly do not go along with what he wants I'm sorry but he's being totally selfish expecting you to go to his mothers when your dad is so ill and it means so much to you to be with him this Xmas.Go to your dads ,take your daughter, tell him he can do what he wants .You'd regret it if you went to his mothers and you're not being unreasonable .

[Kittybythelighthouse]

My dad died of MND last August and he had only had the diagnosis for less than a year. I did not spend the last Christmas he had with him because I didn't realise it would be the last one. I really regret that so I don't think yabu. Your partner is.

[MrsPoldark]

We've always had all the grandparents & assorted older relatives to ours for Christmas but have secretly longed to have a lazy stay in pjs eat party food play games watch tv type day for me,dh & 3dc. The year we decided to be brave & tell all we weren't doing the taken for granted default my mum was diagnosed with cancer & didn't make it to Christmas so things went on as before, this year with Christmas being the Sunday we have decided to do the day we want on the Christmas Eve, including having presents day early as a surprise for the children. Sorry if this is getting long winded but I think what I'm trying to say is Christmas is more than one day & I hope you can find a middle ground and the time to accommodate everyone's wishes

[mygorgeousmilo]

I hate to throw around the term emotional abuse... but your partner is emotionally abusive. How unkind, especially as your dad has mnd. Who on earth withdraws affection over something like this. He sounds nasty and controlling- thisbwould be a deal breaker for me. YANBU