Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

EA = emotional abuse.

You are getting it in spades.

Dp already told me he will b grumpy for Xmas. This is in addition to no cuddles, hand holding, affection etc - says it won't improve until he has Xmas with his mum again ....Dp telling me my daughter afraid to upset me but we've talked about plans to make her more comfortable - mum was with us today where we discussed Xmas plans (dp chose not to come out with us so he couldn't discuss) She'll remain concerned as long as dp doesn't support plan.

You are not dealing with a rational, reasonable adult here. He has an emotional age of approximately 2.

One of the worst aspects of this is the way he is using your DD. This is appalling and completely unacceptable. You need to be clear that his posture here is unacceptable.

Hopefully you are withdrawing cooking and laundry services for the foreseeable. Presumably his mum can step into the breach.

Indeed, Baylisiana.

This is so very sad for your poor DM for you and your family. If my DH behaved like this I'm not sure I'd want his affection back ever, but we are only seeing a small example of the relationship, I'm sure it's got good point which don't involve him withholding love from his wife because he wants to see his mummy at Christmas. It's not a great example to set your daughter either, how would he feel if she were married and her husband refused to let her come to you in these circumstances? I'm so sorry about your DFs diagnosis

You go to your mum's, he goes to his mum's, let your daughter choose where she goes.

Ultimately, none of you can have it all your own way so do what you each want. I think by Christmas you will have kicked the idiot to the kerb anyway, so it won't be as much of an issue as you think.

sorry to hear about your dad's illness.

I agree with everyone here - your DH is being EA.

Re not consulting him, there really wasn't much to consult him with as you really do have to go and spend this Christmas with your father. Consultation implies there would be some negotiation, consent needed, etc and your dads needs are so much greater that your DHs right now that I would have agreed to your mums request and them mentioned to DH the plan. Mentioned, in a discussion Babur not a conversation that needed his approval. I can't begin to imagine my DH behaving like this. I would have mentioned my plans, and he would have been right with me, asking what he could do, arranging alternate plans with HIS family.

Re, withholding affection until Christmas - as another poster says, is he 5? But then, a 5 year old will only humph apfor a while then realise they miss you and come back for cuddles fairly soon. Telling you he will withhold until Xmas is so manipulative and really cruel. This is not the behaviour of a loving husband.

I think your daughter might be anxious as she sees the tension in the house. She will be worried about how her decision affects her dad's mood. Is he controlling towards you in more subtle ways? Maybe she's picking up on that.

Your plans are showing her the right way to behave, that sometimes plans have to be put on hold/altered to suit family circumstances and someone's serious illness is one of those circumstances - you are showing her that family comes first. Your DH is showing her that it is ok to to sulk, to manipulate, bully other people, those you love, to get what you want.

I would take your daughter. If this might be the last Christmas that her grandad is well enough, she will want to spend that time with him. It might be a little difficult, but in future times, she'll be glad she did, as will you.

I am lucky in that my parents and in-laws see Christmas as simply another day. There is no pressure from either side to spend the day with them, and they don't mind if we spend the day NOT visiting and just have Christmas as a wee family unit and visit Boxing Day or the 27th. So I hVe never felt the pressure of having to visit one set of parents over another. But in your case, it really in a no brainier. You spend time with your dad. Your DH needs to accept and understand why this should be the case. Or you might need to look at his behaviour for what it is, does he make a habit of this type of controlling behaviour.

If he's going to behave like a petulant child, treat him like one. Remember Santa has a naughty list and he's right at the top of it. lump of coal for him! Seriously what an insensitive self absorbed prick. There must've been signs of his complete lack of maturity before now. You cannot compromise on this. I'm so sorry to hear of your fathers illness. It's so difficult to see the deterioration and as a PP mentioned you need to make the most of time with your father while he can still function. Have you considered tipping a bucket of ice cold water over your husband?

Yanbu, if you do not go to your parents for Christmas this year I really think you will regret it.
While it is causing an issue in your relationship now, I think it will cause a much bigger rift in the longer term if you back down on what should be an absolute no brainer.

Quite honestly, if my husband was this controlling and selfish about something as important and sensitive as this, I would be considering divorce. I'm not sure I could get past the absolute lack of care and understanding.

YANBU. Essentially you had already consulted him on previous years so you knew what his answer would be. Do your best to ignore the EA. Call him out when he tries it on your DD.

And if he doesn't agree to behave at Christmas send him to his mother's. One-wat ticket.

Not holding your hand or showing any affection because of Christmas? What is wrong with the man? You reserve that sort of sulking for when you catch your wife having it away with Santas Little Helpers in the grotto.

You're right to go to your parents and if he can't see the extenuating circumstances then that's his problem.

And next year I would insist that everyone comes to you. You're also a family unit with a child so why should you spend your Christmas trailing round the country?

That way he doesn't have to pick.

This sounds like something that might be said about a two / three year old having a tantrum. Not an adult. Unfortunately it does sound as if this man is used to behaving like a spoilt child.

OP, I am so sorry about your dad. Horrible news and a time when you need all the support you can get, and most especially from the person with whom you have chosen to share your life.

You are absolutely doing the right thing in spending the day with your parents. Words fail me re your husband. I think that you may well be asking him to spend not just Christmas with his mother.

Not sure if this has already been suggested and also not sure why I'm suggesting anything that would make this man happy as I think his behaviour is disgusting BUT could his parents come to your parents for Xmas? Drive down in the morning? That way even if they don't want to you've suggested something

He's an arse of the highest order. I can't believe he insists on you driving four hours on a normal Christmas but his behaviour over this one is abhorrent.

I'm not sure I'd want affection from such a brat

Your DH is being an out and out arsehole.

Ask him how he would feel about missing Christmas with his Mum if it was extremely likely to be her last one. Does he have ANY idea about the severity of MND?

Tell him he can spend every Christmas with his Mum. Tbh do you even want him at your parents?

I think that would be my new normal. Each of you go to your own parents and your daughter goes alternate years.

The only thing I'm not sure of is whether I would be sharing a home with the selfish twat in between times. Things would have to be truly amazing the rest of the time to make up for this. Has the man got no empathy?

He sounds emotionally abusive, if my DH had done what you'd done I'd have no qualms about spending christmas with his family under the circumstances. Your DH sounds like a colossal twat, does he always act like this when he doesn't get his way?

OP, has your DP done this withdrawal of affection before? Is this a pattern in your relationship?

All tradition, consultation, normal rules etc just went out the window. You are going to your mum's for Xmas with dd. Be strong, do not enter into any more discussions on this subject. He is damaging your marriage. This may turn out to be a deal breaker. I agree that he must be like this in other areas too.

of course you must go to your family. if it were me i'd go with my dd, and having a long serious think about my 'd'p. it's not supportive, loving or understanding. it's selfish, mean-spirited and ungenerous.

Your DP is an arse, do you always have to do what he wants? Can't belie he is being this unsupportive when your Dad is seriously ill. How will you feel OP is this is your dad's last Christmas and you are not there because of your "D"P? Could you ever forgive him?
I'd be seriously questioning what I was doing with such a man.

OP, I'm so sorry about your dad's diagnosis.

For me, the damage would've already been done. I wouldn't want him there at Christmas now and I really don't think I'd want to be with him at all in the long term.

What's he expecting, that he will reinstate his affection on Boxing Day and you'll gratefully lap it up?? Screw that.

Go on your own either with or without your daughter. I went to spend Christmas with my family once and took youngest others stayed with their dad. It was great and I thought mum was failing. She lived another few years but my sister said it was such a boost to her and it has left happy memories for me. It was another country.
Let him sulk. Don't let him see it bothers you not to hold hands etc he is behaving like a child to get his own way. Tell him it is fine he can spend Christmas with family and you with yours. Make a lovely New Year dinner for mum in law to enjoy time with you.

Yanbu.
It's a no brainier- you need to go to your parents, but to be honest I really wouldn't want to take him even if he does relent. It sounds like there is a high risk of him being incredibly grumpy and an emotional drain, potentially ruining your dads last proper Christmas for everyone
I also feel a bit sorry for you and your daughter spending every Christmas driving around to visit people - we did the travelling on Christmas Day once and agreed never again!

Hope it all turns out ok for you

What a horrible situation to find yourself in and agree with the many posters encouraging you to spend the day with your family. Because of his behaviour and threats, I would not give him the opportunity to spoil what needs to be a special day for you and your parents, pack him off to his mother's. I would also discuss your new arrangements with his mother, not in a horrible spiteful way but just factual "my dad's very poorly and I have been asked to spend the day with them this year. He shitfacewants to wake up in his own bed and ensure he gets some time with you,"

Long term, are you comfortable with his behaviour in principle? How do you envisage growing old in partnership together?

Good luck going forward

What shockingly pathetic, self-centred behaviour from your DP. I love my parents dearly, and love family christmases, but you are now another family unit and just the dragging between all the houses on one day each year would be enough to piss me off! Surely spending 3 days having christmas celebrations with your little family, and then both sets of parents would be preferable. I would find it really odd if my DP was so insistent on say, lunch at his mum's, that he wouldn't then want to make new traditions with our new family unit. I would want our DCs to enjoy Christmases with grandparents but also have memories of us hosting the grandparents, or having a day of just us. That may just be me though, I'm looking forward to when we host our first Christmas and can start creating those traditions!
To withhold affection, and not be there for you when you really need him and just the horrible spitefulness is something I don't think I could come back from unless he really pulled his socks up, apologised profusely and meaningfully then worked on showing you, your parents and your DD that he isn't a complete asshole.

Where is his fucking empathy? Most people have more empathy for strangers than this man has for the woman her presumably loves.