Christmas

[Seren68]

Help me be reasonable please. Every year we've spent Xmas day seeing my parents and dp parents - but my parents moved 4 hours away. I've always wanted alternate Xmas plans but dp refused so we had split day every year as he wished. My dad was diagnosed with mnd just before last Christmas and my mum has asked me and my brother to please spend Xmas with them - all day- so travel up day before and back day after. I agreed after much discussion with my family and making clear to mum that she can only have it once. Mum wants it now whilst dad still quite able though no speech or eating. My husband has withdrawn all affection as a) I didn't consult him first ( he has a point with this but I didn't consult as I knew he'd say no!) b) he and our 12 year old daughter don't want to wake up to Xmas anywhere but at home. C) he won't see his mum. I get no affection from him now and he says he can't get over it and spend just one Xmas not travelling all day as a special request after 12 years of doing it his way. I'm not sleeping as I'm caught between a rock and a hard place with my mum and my husband. His mum not the issue - she would understand. Dad may not be around next Xmas and certainly not as able. Aibu? Should I upset my mum by saying we'll travel up in the day after we've opened presents and had breakfast? When I was a child we had family Xmas at alternate family homes so that's what I was used to before dp. We've had my parents to stay for Xmas previously but left to visit inlaws in the middle of the day. Mum just wants one Xmas day all together all day like we used to do. Please help 😥

OP I second what everyone else has said. I recently had a similar family illness and there's no way I could not spend Christmas with my family this year (even though we're not that close)

Your husband's behaviour is monumentally controlling and selfish. It's horrific to try and manipulate you out of a last Christmas with your ill father.

It's interesting that you DD is so much more understanding than him - but I wondered about her anxiety - it's worth considering how her relationship with her controlling father will impact on her mental health - especially as she gets older and wants to spread her wings a little. You and your DD both need to stand up to this bully, or leave

Head the OP's father has MND. It may be his last Christmas. I can't see how it's remotely unreasonable for him to want to be in his own home for this.

OP, obviously you love your partner so it's hard. But I think you should tell him fine, he can go to his mum's. Tell him it's not up for discussion anymore. Just take your daughter and have a wonderful Christmas with your family. He is being a nasty, cruel and selfish sod. In fact I'd tell him to go to his mum's now then he can be with her every day. Seriously, you've done nothing wrong.

Head because that would then be pandering to the ridiculous husband! OP's father is ill, why should he have to travel?

Cannot understand this preciousness people have over their bloody bed for Christmas! "Ooh I must wake up in my own house or Christmas is ruined!"

Just be grateful you have a bloody place to sleep on Christmas Eve and a family to share it with, where you actually are is totally irrelevant!

You don't have a Christmas problem, you have an unsupportive, selfish husband problem.

Your parents needs aren't going to vanish on boxing day, they are going to intensify. He has made his position clear.

Headofthehive55 Really??? Her dad is dying.

*Why can't your parents come to you?
*
Because he has a terminal illness? If he's already deteriorated to the point where he can't speak or eat I'm guessing he wouldn't be up for an 8 hour round trip.

If one of my parents were terminally ill and my husband was anything less than 100% supportive I would find it pretty hard to forgive. The fact that he's punishing you by withholding affection and manipulating your daughter (who seems far more mature and understanding than he is) is disgusting.

He sounds like an arse, how dare he make you choose with your fathers illness, you know the right thing to do.
Spend it with your family
Your dd will have a lovely time wherever she is if she is in a loving enviroment
It's one day fgs if he can't support you then bugger him.he is being ridiculous

head he's decided for the last 12 years. The OP knew that he would react like this even though her Dad is seriously ill. She's married to a sulking bully. How would you feel if your partner effectively banned you from seeing your family all together possibly for the last time?
i can't believe one Christmas away from home would be a deal breaker for you - even in these circumstances?

TBH even without your dad's illness, the travelling for 4 hours on xmas day (if I have understood that) every year is madness and your plan of alternating is much more sensible. Or even stay at home and visit them on christmas eve and boxing day. It's just a day really, however I think your mum's request is reasonable given the circumstances this year. Your DH is being selfish but I can understand his possible concerns too around not seeing his family, as you went to your parents last year and again this year, what about next year etc? The way he is behaving though witholding affection is bad.

Op - your DH is being very childish and petulant, if you can't discuss this with him, then you need to do what suits you.

We had always alternated my DM and PILs, with DM going to DB and PILs going to SIL when not on 'our' year.

Unfortunately we had a big fall out with my mum and Brother 2 yrs ago, going NC for a while, including xmas when she should have been with us. However, she was confirmed as having terminal secondary cancer early in 2015, which meant our differences had to be put aside so we could help look after her.

Fast forward to last autumn. It was obvious that last xmas would be DM's last, and that we had to spend it with her, despite it being my PIL's year to come to us, having not spent the previous year with her.

Fortunately PIL and DH are v understanding, we spoke briefly together about the situation and then he spoke to them. They understood and we arranged for them to come to us 27th onwards, for a second xmas celebration, plus we took them to Panto. Mum died 6 weeks later.

This year it will just be the 4 of us, as PIL will go to SIL as per original rota. We will see them afterwards again.

It does mean we haven't spent an actual xmas day with PIL for 3yrs, but neither they nor my DH put a massive emphasis on that, as long as we spend some time with them, they are happy.

DC are older, 18 & 16 - whilst they weren't thrilled to spend xmas day in mum's tiny bungalow last year, staying in a nearby Travelodge whilst DH and stayed in her 2nd bedroom, they understood and accepted it. On xmas day this year, at least we can look back and know we made mum's last Christmas as lovely as possible by being with her.

I think you have to go with your feelings, and ignore your petulant husband. If he cannot understand why you want to go to your parents, he needs to grow up.

Whilst I can understand his thoughts on his mum maybe becoming ill, as it is similar with my PIL, you can only support the parent who is sick at the time. My PIL are much younger than my mum was & still in v good health so God willing they (& us) will still be around to spend a full Christmas together next year.

Head, do us all a favour and read up on MND before you come back to the thread.

Then you might be able to figure out for yourself why a 4 hour journey for the parents isn't a realistic option.

Unfortunately for the OP, her Christmas is ruined anyway with the prospect of this being the last big get together that she will have with her whole family. Made worse by DP being selfish and unrepentant.

TBH I wouldn't just be waiting for Christmas. Id be round all the time at my parents, if it was me.

We'd have a Christmas Day with them but not on the 25th - on another day. We've done that lots before. no one knows if they will get another Christmas - so I already live each one as if it's my last with each set.

Head, did you actually read the post, register the illness etc?

To be honest OP, if I were in your shoes it would be me withdrawing all affection and ignoring my partner. How dare he? The request not to spend Christmas at your parents is wrong but to guilt you on top of it is outrageous. Just refuse to engage with him. Tell him you and DD are going and he is not invited as nobody is going to tolerate his little tantrum.

Maverick - have you missed the bit where Op said her parents are 4 hours away? A bit too far to be 'round all the time' don't you think?

My DM was 2 hrs away, we spent a lot of time with her last year and until her death, but spending her last Christmas with her was not even up for discussion, I would have done it regardless of my DH, but it was never an issue as he is compassionate and felt the same as me. She was also too ill to travel, as Ops DF is.

Result of working with the ill and dying I guess! Plus my my DD2 and 3 would not cope.

What a prick! I would move heaven and earth to spend Christmas with my family under those circumstances. I probably wouldn't 'consult' with my DH either because he would 100% understand and support me. Cannot imagine otherwise.
Please spend Christmas with your parents, don't let his abuse take something from you that you might never have the chance of again.

First off, I think you need to take your daughter out for the day, maybe shopping and lunch if she'd like that and chat to her about it. Her grandfather is dying, does she understand that and does she have feelings about it? My grandfather died on Halloween just before I turned 12 and it was one of the most heart-breaking times of my life. I love Halloween but it meant nothing to me that night. We were at my other grandmother's house as my dad and all his family were at the hospice as they'd all been called in earlier in the day. My younger brothers were upset about not going trick or treating or playing normal party games and I was baffled by how they could care about something so stupid when Granda was dying/dead.

So, tbh, I'm wondering why your talk about how your daughter feels is centring on how she feels about where she will wake up on Christmas morning. She's old enough to surely be grieving the imminent loss of her grandfather? To be grieving how much of him has already been lost to his disease. If she is more worried about Christmas morning than what is happening to her grandfather, then I'd worry that she isn't prepared about his illness. She needs to know the seriousness of his illness, what it means and she needs to be helped through any sadness and fear she might be experiencing.

After that you can talk to her about how important for all of you this Christmas will be for all of you. Not just for her grandparents but for her. This chance to make such a wonderful holiday with her grandfather. A gift she can give him while he can still enjoy it and a memory for her to treasure whenever she misses him. Tbh, if I had been offered a last Christmas with my grandfather the year he died, even though we normally spent Christmas day with my mum's family, I would have been furious with anyone who tried to stop me.

Tbh, I'm flabbergasted!! What an absolute wanker!! My first ever LTB!!

FFS he'll be grumpy until he can have Christmas with his mummy again?

Right. This is what you should do. Spend Christmas with your parents. If your DD and your idiot partner want to sulk, let them and leave them at home. I've never spent a single Christmas Day with either parent and really want you to spend this one with yours. I'm so sorry your dad is ill and you'll regret it if next year he isn't here or is very sick.

Whatever you decide to do do not make it his choice. Your father is ill. End of.

Op this isn't just about Christmas is it. There is no way on this earth that this man can be nice in other areas, he sounds controlling and emotionally abusive. How is the rest of your relationship, does he control the rest of your life and strop if he doesn't get his way. His needs trump yours every time and if he doesn't get his way he will try his best to ruin your day with your family, what an utter wanker.

Head - no one knows if they will get another Christmas - so I already live each one as if it's my last with each set.

While this is true - as any one of us could have a fatal accident or sudden fatal illness - surely you can see that the odds of OPs dad getting another Christmas are a lot lower than the odds of OPs MIL getting another Christmas, given that her dad's recently been diagnosed with something as serious as MND?

And as such, it's perfectly reasonable to make special arrangements to spend extra time with her parents this Christmas?