To not have DD's best friend for a sleepover tonight?

[WhatamessIgotinto]

She's a lovely girl and she normally stays when she spends the day with us. I made it v clear when I messaged her mum with the invitation to bowling/cinema/dinner that I would be dropping her home on the way back.

Have hardly seen DH all week, DS also been away for two days and due back this evening so I really just want a night with just us. She really is a lovely girl but has quite significant medical needs - which I'm fine with and can deal with - so it's not a time to relax if you know what I mean. Her mum has just messaged me to say that she has forgotten her overnight bag and can I pick it up on my way past.

I feel a bit shit saying 'not tonight', but I'm tired, I want to have a couple of glasses of wine, relax and watch some shit telly. Am I being a horrible cow?

She could pay for the sitter like the rest of us

She could pay for the sitter like the rest of us hmm
Exactly what I was thinking. Not fair to rely on the OP as an unpaid babysitter and moan she's had to cancel plans to be there for her own child.

have a horrible feeling that the OP will come back and say she doesn't mind doing sleepovers and loves this little girl, so won't be stopping them as her daughter will. R too upset. So this mother will win.

Yep I'm afraid this is about right. I won't stop the sleepovers for a couple of reasons, mainly that DD loves having her to stay. To give a bit more info, DD and this little girl both have quite specific (different) medical needs and have both struggled at school. When they became friends something seemed to click with them; they understand and are not fazed by all the medical crap and they seem to help each other out. They're 11 and since they've been friends, DD's confidence has taken a huge leap. I kind of take the view now that I need to handle the mum very firmly!

I think that's the best way to go about it.

No point in spoiling a lovely friendship.

Perhaps the girls mum will read your texts more carefully in future and also not assume that you are there to provide childcare for her rare nights out

I think you need to nip this in the bud.
Next time you see her say " I got the impression you were a bit off with me last time. Just to be clear, I will always let you know if we can have xxxx over for a sleepover ok?".
That way she knows you will carry on the girls friendship, you aren't being mardy( so she can't flag you off to anyone) and it clearly implies you know she was taking the piss.

I thought so.

Just be careful-that mum is one to watch very carefully.

I certainly wouldn't be doing sleepovers regularly so that she can say, 'well, you always do x, and have her to sleep on a Saturday so I'm sorry I didn't bother to read your text properly'.

I'd leave it for three weeks for a start. Then have her DD round on a Thursday straight from school (her mum to collect), then do a Sunday afternoon, etc etc Don't let it get into a habit of every 2/3rd Saturday all day and for a sleep over. Make sure the mum has to collect her too. Your daughters can be totally unaffected by this, yet you are remaining in control.

I'd make the times really awkward for her too, but that's just me .

I don't see there's anything wrong with using sleepovers as a form of babysitting, but it needs to go both ways, so that both sets of parents get to take advantage of it. She was unbelievably cheeky here, and is clearly taking advantage, and it really wasn't on. Well done for sticking to your guns.

But if they are such good friends then less sleepovers/activies together won't stop that.

Is this girl as enthusiastic about the friendship?

What reason does the mum give for never once reciprocating?

Honestly, the OP is fine about the sleepovers. Her DD benefits from them and they want to do them. The issue is the other mum's reaction when the OP didn't want to. She's become use to them because it's become a regular habit and now she expects them.

I like the suggestion of mixing up the nights, but the other mum could simply say "no more sleepovers." Which is not what the OP wants.

"but the other mum could simply say "no more sleepovers." Which is not what the OP wants"

Well I doubt it, but even so it shouldn't matter. It doesn't stop them being friends.

Op shouldn't have to do everything her daughter wants in terms of the friendship to keep it going.

Er, except the OP does want it and she's detailed what a positive influence this friendship has been for her child. Who are a bunch of strangers to be telling her she must stop sleepovers because inless they're reciprocal from now on.

Ridicilous

Gah. My phone hates me. My fat fingers give up for the night.

I'm not saying that she should stop the sleepovers & I also doubt that the other mother would stop them.

What I'm trying to say, although badly is that perhaps Op should be careful of doing too much (even though she doesn't mind) & getting her daughter too reliant on doing everything just with this one girl.

Well at least you have the measure of her now.

Enjoy your family evening OP and stay firm in all your dealings with the other Mum.

diddl I do see your point actually. DD does have much more friends than she used to, she's much more confident these days but this girl is the only one she's ever asked to have stay over, the others might just stay for tea or something. I generally don't mind sleepovers (now that DC's getting a bit older), DS usually has one of his mates stay every couple of weeks too and its fine. I'm not worried about the little girl at all, it's the mum I think I need to keep a rein on.

Well that puts a different light on it.

My daughter also had friends that she enjoyed particular activities with.

I suppose I was also thinking along the lines of if a better offer comes along, the mum might stop the friendship or reduce the time that her daughter spends with Ops.