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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not have DD's best friend for a sleepover tonight?

219 replies

WhatamessIgotinto · 28/10/2016 17:56

She's a lovely girl and she normally stays when she spends the day with us. I made it v clear when I messaged her mum with the invitation to bowling/cinema/dinner that I would be dropping her home on the way back.

Have hardly seen DH all week, DS also been away for two days and due back this evening so I really just want a night with just us. She really is a lovely girl but has quite significant medical needs - which I'm fine with and can deal with - so it's not a time to relax if you know what I mean. Her mum has just messaged me to say that she has forgotten her overnight bag and can I pick it up on my way past.

I feel a bit shit saying 'not tonight', but I'm tired, I want to have a couple of glasses of wine, relax and watch some shit telly. Am I being a horrible cow?

OP posts:
LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 28/10/2016 23:47

What MyKingdom said.

Rachel0Greep · 28/10/2016 23:48

Ha, let her off! Cheeky creature!

MissMoo22 · 28/10/2016 23:48

Fucking hell! I'd screenshot the text where you said you weren't keeping her DD and send it to her with a message saying 'not sure why you took an attitude with me for supposedly ruining your night out when I told you in advance it wasn't possible this week'.

Some people!!

HarryPottersMagicWand · 28/10/2016 23:51

I think I'd have to send the rude cow a message tbh. How dare she try and make you feel guilty, let her child stay at yours every 2-3 weeks, with needs as well and never have your DD then shut the door in your face in a huff! What a fucking bitch!

MammaTJ · 29/10/2016 00:02

'Oh dear, what have the naughty girls cooked up between them? I would love to have your DD, when they have proven they are doing well with
overnights!!

wotoodoo · 29/10/2016 00:09

In healthy friendships there is give and take.

It is not healthy when it's just take take take.

Willow2016 · 29/10/2016 00:10

MammaTJ
?????

The mum was aware that op couldnt have her daughter tonight, she was told in advance. She was trying to guilt trip op into keeping her dd so she could go out on the razz.

No misunderstanding at all, nothing to do with the girls, nothing for op to blame them for. Why go for all that PA stuff? Mum was taking the p, she didnt care about op one jot.

mummag · 29/10/2016 00:49

Some people are just totally unpleasant. You've done nothing but be lovely and this was the thanks you got. However, if the sleepovers don't bother you, and you don't expect reciprocation then meh! Ignore the cow but still let the daughter round. Some people are just takers but I would try and not let it ruin your relationship with this little girl. I know what I am trying to say but not being clear I feel.

icelollycraving · 29/10/2016 06:40

Oh my! ShockGrin
I wouldn't be able to help myself.
I would text her to say it had never been the plan, add in the screenshot text, that if she genuinely wasn't chancing her arm she would have got the bag to you, that she has never reciprocated sleepovers or play dates & whilst you enjoy seeing her dd you need a night off too.
Ps nice dress & hair though Sue!
*change name if necessary.

icelollycraving · 29/10/2016 06:50

Alternatively like her fb post that has undoubtedly been posted about being let down/you know who your friends are etc with one of the marvellous fb witchy Halloween smileys.

eddielizzard · 29/10/2016 08:37

i wouldn't say anything. just wouldn't be so forthcoming with sleepovers anymore. in fact i probably wouldn't have one until she reciprocated. the girls can still have fun during the day.

CoraPirbright · 29/10/2016 09:05

I would have to resend original text with the info that you could not have her daughter & add another message saying "further to our conversation last night, please see below my original message in which I clearly said that unfortunately we couldn't do a sleep over on this occasion". Leave it at that - the unwritten subtext is clear - you are a bitch with your take-take-take attitude.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 29/10/2016 09:12

I think I would have had to ask her when she opened the door all dressed up, exactly why had she planned a night out when I'd quite clearly said that I'd be dropping her daughter home? I'd have probably asked it with a tinkly little laugh on the end too Wink, to let her know how silly she is. PA? Moi?!

Seriously though, I wouldn't let this affect my DD's relationship with her DD. I would carry on as normal, storing this incident away for further reference. It's not the girls' fault.

lalalalyra · 29/10/2016 09:20

I bet you she didn't even read your original message. Just looked at the date you suggested and made her plans.

That's what happened to me. The Mum in question (and several of her friends) still ignore me/give dirty looks if I see them TWO YEARS later! We had DD's friend stay here every two or three weeks. We tend to do a family brunch on a Sunday so she'd be here from 6pm Saturday night until maybe 1pm Sunday. One time I made it vvvv clear that she could come bowling Saturday, but I'd be bringing her back. At pick up I heard her remind the child that her Grandad would be picking her up on the Sunday about 3ish. Turns out she'd planned a night out for a hen do, night in a hotel, the works. when I said we couldn't have her (we were going away to visit family the next morning - leaving 6amish) she shouted at me that I should have spoken to her because she never reads my texts because the plan is always the same.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 29/10/2016 09:28

While there's breath in your body, never have that girl stay the night.

deeply unpleasant.

DameSquashalot · 29/10/2016 09:29

Shocklala. That's terrible.

OP did the girls mention anything about a sleepover?

I hope you had a lovely evening with your family.

diddl · 29/10/2016 09:36

" she never reads my texts because the plan is always the same."

I wonder if that's what happened here.

I think that I would have to tell her that her night hadn't been ruined by me as I clearly told her that there would be no sleepover.

Would her previous nights out happen to have coincided with sleepovers?

I would be thinking of knocking the sleepovers on the head for the moment tbh.

She should surely at least tell you that she is going out & not just assume?

Toast3 · 29/10/2016 09:51

Oh dear... what a cheeky bugger she is!

I have a friend who took her friends son on holiday with them... the boys were about 11 at the time... her sons friend really played up for the first few days, kicking off, being rude etc... he then got caught shoplifting from the site shop... my friend rang his mum and explained what had happened and said that they would like her to collect her son as they really wanted to get on with their, badly needed, holiday. It did not go down well!!
The Mum refused to get him! She said that she had made other plans and that they would just have to get on with it. This was a good few years ago and I've never forgotten it!

Delatron · 29/10/2016 10:29

You need to pull her up on this. Send the screenshot message with the original plans. I know you don't want the girls friendship to be affected but you have to say something!

What did you say when she moaned at you about missing her night out? I would have asked her why on earth she was dolled up when I made it clear there would be no sleepover.

You sound lovely and caring but she is completely taking advantage of this. No more sleepovers. I can't believe she never reciprocates!! Cheeky mare.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 29/10/2016 11:04

I'm not sure punishing the child to punish the mother would really be the best thing to do.

It's not her fault her mother is a cheeky moo. And if her and your dd get on so well, it would be horrible to split them up. Make it clear that the out of school stuff is for the girls sake, and perhaps limit it a bit. But don't drop the girl or split the friendship up. If they were very little then it wouldn't be so bad to orchestrate other play dates and activities with children, but they have strong bonds of friendship by the time they're older and that needs to be considered as well as everything else.

I had a mother who didn't act like other people and it was so isolating and hurtful when other people dropped me because of her. It didn't force her to behave any differently, and the only one who was affected was me.

Redlocks28 · 29/10/2016 11:07

I have a horrible feeling that the OP will come back and say she doesn't mind doing sleepovers and loves this little girl, so won't be stopping them as her daughter will. R too upset. So this mother will win.

BirdInTheRoom · 29/10/2016 11:14

Sleepovers are completely unnecessary and friendships can continue perfectly well without them! There is no way I would do them anymore for this girl.

Groovee · 29/10/2016 11:21

Bloody hell! She's got a cheek! But don't take it out on the child because her mother is a user. But maybe make the sleepovers more spaced out. Especially as she never has your dd!

dontpokethebear · 29/10/2016 11:56

I agree with miscellaneous, the only person that stopping having sleepovers will affect is the daughter.
Perhaps for the next couple of times she comes for the day don't have her to stay over. Then after a couple of months have a sleepover every other time?

Did you tell the mother in a text that she couldn't stay for a sleepover, or face to face?

rollonthesummer · 29/10/2016 12:01

Why can't she come after school on a weeknight for tea-that's far more usual here than sleepovers anyway. How old are they?

It sounds like you have been spending a lot of money on the girls-bowling and cinema in one day. Just do random 'play dates' (crap word) after school.

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