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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

127 replies

JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 15:47

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

OP posts:
Lewwat · 28/10/2016 15:48

Grateful? Hmm

user1474627704 · 28/10/2016 15:50

I don't think anyone should be grateful for sex, no. Hmm

AppleJac · 28/10/2016 15:50

I do believe sex is 50% of a relationship.

If sex is crap then you need to find an even ground that you are both happy with.

No oral sex ever is crap tbh.

myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 15:50

Oh dear, this doesn't sound very healthy. No, he shouldn't be grateful. Do you think that there's a particular reason you don't want to have sex with him? Is it a diminished sex drive in general or just him?

Sparklesilverglitter · 28/10/2016 15:51

Gratfeul? Why should he be grateful? I'm not grateful that my DH shags me should I be?

And it's perfectly ok to rebuff/reject a partners sexual advances if you are simply not in the mood

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 15:54

It's the way he did it.
It was insulting and hurtful.

OP posts:
2410ang · 28/10/2016 15:54

Not the best choice of phrase OP but I do see what you mean.

And I would be readily reassuring him he had no need for concern as there won't be any more crap 10 minute shags, or any other kind of shag any time soon...

Coffeegivemecoffee · 28/10/2016 15:54

Grateful? Hmm why should he be grateful because you let him sometimes put his cock inside you? What a strange way to think

I am not grateful that my dp lets me have his cock sometimes Confused

Trifleorbust · 28/10/2016 15:56

He said it would be a 10 minute 'crap shag'? Those were his words to his wife?

gamerwidow · 28/10/2016 15:57

He shouldn't be grateful but then again he shouldn't have rejected your advances in such a horrible way. It must have hurt to be told that sex with you wasn't good enough to be worth having. I do think it needs addressing that neither of you seem to think sex with each other is worth having. You say yourself you were putting yourself out so you don't sound like and enthusiastic participant either. What do you want from your sex life? Have you lost your libido altogether or is there something you need that he doesn't do?

Gowgirl · 28/10/2016 15:57

If he's not interested in a crap 10 min shag I suggest you use the toys.....alone.

Eatthecake · 28/10/2016 15:58

No body should ever have to feel grateful for sex. I certainly don't feel grateful that I get to bounce on my DH cock

It's perfectly ok for a man or women to just not be in the mood for sex and to rebuff a partner

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:00

I haven't lost my libido.

I just don't want to have sex with him.
But I love him and I couldn't even contemplate leaving him because I simply don't want to have sex with him.

He doesn't know this, it would be too hurtful to say.

But if I've had a couple of glasses of wine I think, what the heck lets do it.

OP posts:
user1474627704 · 28/10/2016 16:00

It was insulting and hurtful

It's also quite insulting and hurtful to be told that your partner has been doing you a favour having sex with you and is not remotely interested in ever doing so again, unless she feels like a pity quicky when pissed.

You're both at fault here.

emsyj · 28/10/2016 16:00

"I do think it needs addressing that neither of you seem to think sex with each other is worth having."

^This

No, he shouldn't have to be 'grateful'. No, he shouldn't reject you in such an insulting and horrible way. Sounds like you have a problem. Do you actually like him??

PikachuLovesHalloween · 28/10/2016 16:01

I suspect your DH does know you don't want to have sex with him OP, hence the rejection last night.

GazingAtStars · 28/10/2016 16:02

I wouldn't want to have the occasional vanilla sex with no oral sex ever...for the rest of my life. I would probably get quite frustrated and maybe that would translate to me not being grateful for whatever scraps my partner decided to throw my way. I don't think withholding sex is the answer either, have you tried talking him him about it?

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:03

do you actually like him

That's such a ridiculous question. As if because I don't want to have sex I must not 'like' him.

I like plenty of people in my life that I also wouldn't want to have sex with. Hmm

OP posts:
pullingmyhairout1 · 28/10/2016 16:04

Sounds like you both need counselling to be honest. I'd be upset if DP said that to me, but then we have quite a healthy sex life and I'd be disappointed if we didn't.

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 28/10/2016 16:04

That does sound very hurtful, I must say - I'd be very upset to be rebuffed so harshly. '10 minute crap shag' indeed!

He sounds very resentful, and possibly rejected by your lack of sexual desire for him, and it sounds like he's lashing out a bit.

Why don't you want to have sex with him, though? Are you no longer physically attracted to him, or are there emotional issues that have turned you off of him?

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:04

Pikachu believe me, he has absolutely no idea.

I suspected this a few years back and tried to talk to him about it. He was aghast at the notion that I might not actually want have sex ever. I quickly back tracked when I saw the look on his face. Sad

OP posts:
QuiltedAloeVera · 28/10/2016 16:04

Sounds like he knows your heart isn't in it. Would you want to have sex with someone who obviously wasn't enjoying it?

WorraLiberty · 28/10/2016 16:05

Is it a crap 10 minute shag though?

I mean do you think he gets the impression that you're doing it just because he wants it, and you want to get it over with as quickly as possible?

It was a hurtful thing for him to say, but then feeling your DP is only going through the motions, or thinks they'll 'get sex out of the way' because they've had alcohol, is probably pretty hurtful too.

I think you both need to sit down and talk this out.

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:05

Definitely no emotional issues. I really don't know, I wish I could make myself desire him again but it's just not there. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:06

Yes probably Worra.

OP posts:
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