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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

127 replies

JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 15:47

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

OP posts:
myownprivateidaho · 28/10/2016 16:07

Agree that it was a hurtful and horrible thing to say.

But if you haven't lost your libido, and you love him, do you think there's anything you could do to get the spark back? Not saying just acquiesce to what he wants - but what do you want? Sex therapy might not be a bad idea.

emsyj · 28/10/2016 16:08

What responses were you expecting, OP? What you have said about him is not exactly complimentary. You haven't lost your libido - but you don't want to have sex with him - but you love him? None of this makes sense.

"as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all "
"I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again"

Doesn't sound like you are that keen on him, does it? So not that 'ridiculous' to ask if you actually like him...

Pumpkinpie71 · 28/10/2016 16:08

Nobody should feel grateful for sex.

If you only ever want sex after you've had wine, I suspect your DH knows that you don't want to have sex with him.

It is more than fine to rebuff a dp sexual advances.

I wouldn't want boring sex now and then when my DH has had wine TBH, I like a bit of build up, nice bit of foreplay and so on. I wouldn't want to feel like he was offering me a few scraps and I should be bloody grateful

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:09

myownprivate we've tried loads of things in the past. It doesn't work.

Can sex therapy make you desire someone? I'm not sure that's even possible.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 28/10/2016 16:09

I think that he probably (very probably) knows that you don't want to have sex and are doing it to get it over with.

I am not judging that, at all, but you can't pretend it's OK for him.

You need to have a full and frank discussion. Bloody hard, I know

thisisafakename · 28/10/2016 16:10

believe me, he has absolutely no idea

Oh believe me, I think he does. Not least because you effectively told him that you didn't want to have sex again and then 'backtracked'. He knows. It sounds like you are more like very close friends rather than a romantic couple.

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:10

pumpkinpie when you put it like that, I certainly can see the other side of things.

So AIBU, I guess that's a big fat issue that's going to put a dent in our marriage now. I've been putting off this issue for years.

OP posts:
Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:11

He doesn't know.

I know my DH and he doesn't know.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 28/10/2016 16:12

I understand

JinkxMonsoon · 28/10/2016 16:13

I think you're getting an unfair bashing here.

I have a low libido and am very rarely fussed about having sex. But equally I'm worried about lack of sex wrecking my marriage so do it once a month or so. And also because I love him and want him to be happy.

Asking "do you actually like him?" is a ludicrous and sneery response.

NotYoda · 28/10/2016 16:13

If you used to do all the other stuff and now you don't, he'll be wondering why, won't he?

emsyj · 28/10/2016 16:16

"Asking "do you actually like him?" is a ludicrous and sneery response."

Really? Wow. I thought it was quite reasonable given how equally 'sneery' the OP was about her husband tbh.

NB The OP has said that her libido has not decreased. It's not that she is generally disinterested in sex, she just doesn't desire it with him. So your response is a bit wide of the mark too.

For 'like' perhaps read 'fancy'? Maybe that would have been a better word. God there are some rude arseholes on this site.

ThoraGruntwhistle · 28/10/2016 16:19

How can he not know though? He has turned you down, and the reason he gave is that it would be quick and disappointing, he expects sex to be like that. That suggests to me that he already knows you don't want to have sex with him but will throw him a bone if you're tipsy. It's quite insulting to anybody if their partner never usually wants sex but will 'give in' and do it after a few drinks. It's not going to give him the impression that he is actually desired.

Do you think you've gone off it in general or are you bored of him? Has something about him changed drastically over the years that has caused you to find him unattractive and do you think you'd feel the same after a long relationship with anyone?

SpookyPumpkin · 28/10/2016 16:19

It doesn't matter if you have shagged him for 20 years, he shouldn't have to feel grateful for sex, what a strange thing to think

You say he doesn't know but I think your wrong. You offer sex when you've been drinking and you don't think his noticed that? You can kid yourself all you like thinking he doesn't know but he will of worked it out!

If my DH only wanted me sexually after a drink I'd soon realise he doesn't desire me without alcohol, and it wouldn't make me feel good. I'd also rebuff his advances because I'd know he didn't desire me really

HarleyQuinzel · 28/10/2016 16:19

10 minute crap shag is an unbelievably shit way to talk about your wife. I don't think I'd fancy having sex with him ever again after that.

Yes it must be hard not having a partner who's all over you but it can't be nice for OP either, when she doesn't particularly want it.

Are you just laying there? Do you EVER mix it up, go on top or give oral?

Did you ever fancy him?

Guavaf1sh · 28/10/2016 16:20

He knows. He obviously knows, hence the response. Sex is vital to most healthy relationships. YABU

HarleyQuinzel · 28/10/2016 16:21

If OP hasn't enjoyed having sex for however long, then that's how her mind will work. Every time sex happens, OP is doing it 'for him', rather than mutually enjoying it which is obviously a problem.

NotYoda · 28/10/2016 16:22

Harley

I agree

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 28/10/2016 16:22

I'd be 'grateful' but it's been a while!

OP, is it possible he was slightly offended by the fact you had become slightly tipsy first? Perhaps he felt you wouldn't have come on to him if you hadn't been under the influence? Not that that condones his extremely unkind remark, which was unnecessary and hardly likely to improve relations, sexual or otherwise.

Fluffsnuts · 28/10/2016 16:25

I understand you.

Did you used to find him desirable?

Do you find anyone (real life or celebrity) desirable in that way?

Are you in love with him or do you just love him?

ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld · 28/10/2016 16:26

I would recommend talking of him in a neutral setting and asking exactly what it is that he is missing. I can't imagine a life with predictable sex in the same position, same circumstances, and giving no blowjobs - have you ever enjoyed giving them? If not, have you given your husband the impression that you find it a chore? Maybe he is hurt.

It's ok to go through a dry spell with little to no sex, as long as it is just temporary. It sounds though that you aren't that fussed about sex with him any more, so maybe he feels unloved or unattractive.

ShebaShimmyShake · 28/10/2016 16:26

I like plenty of people in my life that I also wouldn't want to have sex with.

But you're not married to them.

Mummytojane · 28/10/2016 16:27

You say he doesn't know OP but I don't see how he can't of picked up on it. Nobody wants to feel that there partner is only having sex with them because they've had a a drink or oh they are only doing it for me etc.

TBH I wouldn't want boring sex now and then when DH has been at the wine. Where is the passion and desire in that? Where is the foreplay, making yourself and your partner feel good? I want to know my DH sexually desires me, I want to know he wants me

It's more than ok to rebuff an offer of sex
No he shouldn't feel grateful for sex Confused

Naicehamshop · 28/10/2016 16:29

It's absolutely vile of him to speak to you like that, I don't care what the provocation is.

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him. Angry

OlennasWimple · 28/10/2016 16:33

He knows, OP. Maybe not with complete certainty, but he knows.