AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

[JustGetOverIt]

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

The way he responded was unkind but you're clearly both in a frustrating situation here. I can pretty much guarantee that he knows you don't really want to have sex with him, and therefore he's already feeling "rejected" - and his reaction is out of his own hurt. If someone had to get drunk to have sex with me, then I would be feeling pretty crap about it. So now you are both hurting.

The issue is how to resolve it. You say you do not have a diminished libido, that you still fancy your husband, but that you just don't want to have sex with him. Can I ask if you enjoy physical contact with him in other ways? Do you enjoy him cuddling you, kissing you, touching you in any other way? Are you very vanilla in your tastes or have you ever been more adventurous? Are you prepared to be open minded about sexual intimacy with him? Assuming he is prepared to discuss the problem, is it worth talking about just enjoying some intimate time together? No penetration, just mutual touching, exploring... almost rediscovering each other on an intimate level? It sounds like your tastes have changed and you need to find out what turns you on again. Take full sex out of the picture temporarily... and just explore each other again.. try different things. Take the pressure off. If you still have libido then you must have some idea about what turns you on. But he won't know what you enjoy unless you tell him.

My partner and I are very adventurous sexually, but we are not young anymore and there are times when neither of us are up for the full thing... so we just enjoy some intimate time together - we BOTH enjoy just being close, gentle mutual stimulation etc... It's never even an issue - we love it and we have a very satisfying and enjoyable sex life. I do things that I know he enjoys, and vice versa... and we both enjoy seeing each other's pleasure. We are VERY open in communicating our desires... we don't expect each other to mind-read. I also know if something stopped being enjoyable to me, I could tell him, and we would explore other ideas. It sounds to me like you both need to improve on your communication regarding sex and be open to working on your physical relationship to find what is pleasurable for you both. Tastes sometimes change... it doesn't mean your desire has gone, it may be just different.

If the reality is that you DO have a diminished libido or there is some other factor you haven't mentioned, then it can be worth speaking to the doctor. But only you know deep down if there is more to this problem than you have said (not saying that in judgment - it's just that often we do know what a problem really is, but just don't want to face it - and I'm as guilty of that as the next person).

OP I understand what you are saying, I think, and find some of the pps very judgemental.

Has he listened to what you want in the bedroom? It's all very well him offering bells and whistles, but he needs to listen to what you want to.

After twenty years, there are likely to be compromises needed on both sides. My DH will not listen to me, so I have lost all interest. He has decided I 'don't like that sort of thing', and I let him think that because after twenty five years of him ignoring my pace, I can't be bothered to argue anymore.

That said, he certainly wouldn't want us to separate, there is so much more to marriage than sex.