Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

127 replies

JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 15:47

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

OP posts:
Pluto30 · 28/10/2016 22:04

I think you're both at fault.

He said the same thing to your face that you're thinking about him. No difference, he just said it TO you, rather than just thinking it.

He doesn't want a crap, 10-min shag, and you don't want to have sex with him at all. That's two parts of the same pie, OP.

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 29/10/2016 09:19

I've been thinking about this this morning.

To all those posters who said I should 'let him go' or be prepared for it to end in divorce, and 'do you even like him' :
If your husband started to suffer with impotence, one that couldn't be fixed with pills (it doesn't work for everyone!) would you stop liking him? Would you leave him? Would you have an affair?

Because using your posts, what you have said to me and putting YOU in that very position using the comments you have to me, that says more about you than it has about me during this thread.

And of course there will now be the defensive posts nay saying and probably trying to insult me further but the fact is I'm right.

If you tell me that I should just 'let him go' presumably means you'lol be prepared to do just that if you ever found yourself in my husbands position.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2016 09:48

You are very very defensive and angry about your position op. I think that only shows that you know you have a problem.

And your analogy doesn't work because for you it's not a case of not being able to haven sex with your DH. It's a case of not wanting to. Very different

All I said was that if I were your husband, I would be so upset if I thought my dp was having sex with me out of pity or duty and I realised that they only went through the motions and could only "get it up" so to speak, when tipsy.

You seem amazed and hurt that he rejected your advances but not to realise that he's clearly hurt and upset about your attitude to sex with him.

You clearly need to talk about this. Honestly. Like adults. And see how you want to go from there.

toptoe · 29/10/2016 09:54

What do you think has changed your libido? Is it hormonal? Or are you put off by his sexual preferences?

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 29/10/2016 09:55

I'm not in the slightest bit angry. How odd that you can assume such emotion from me. Hmm

OP posts:
ShebaShimmyShake · 29/10/2016 10:43

Because there is a clear difference between not having sex for medical reasons, and being actively rejected as a preference (which is of course your perfect right, but you can't expect it not to be hurtful....as you also know how it feels.). You must be able to see that.

BitOutOfPractice · 29/10/2016 11:00

How odd that you should think it odd. I feel it's coming over in your posts. Maybe I'm misreading it but you can keep your Hmm thanks

You are certainly massively defensive and seem indignant that many of us are reading the situation differently from you.

Clearly you don't want to hear that.

PlayOnWurtz · 29/10/2016 11:04

If my husband was impotent he'd still maintain an active sex life. There is more to sex than penetration.

PlayOnWurtz · 29/10/2016 11:05

You are actively choosing not to have sex with your husband. If my husband actively chose not to have sex with me I'd leave.

PippiLongstromp · 29/10/2016 11:13

I'd like to thank you OP for sharing this with us, I'm sure there are lots of silent readers who know exactly what you mean, but don't have any answers for you. I'm one of them. But it helps to read about what it's really like for others, not many are willing to share that sort of thing, when it's not going that great. I wish some people responding had been a little less judgemental and dismissive of your problem. You have been very courageous in showing vulnerability even under attack, and I see no trace of anger in your post. Just honesty and self reflection. It's admirable.

Morporkia · 29/10/2016 11:14

Justgetoverit you say you don't want to have sex specifically with him, but do you ever feel aroused at all? is there any chance you could be close to gulp the menopause? I have gone through phases when I loved being close to my DH physically, but not sexually. And I still fancied him, but it was as if my body didn't want to respond. these phases have always been transient, and usually when i was going through some sort of stress, but to say that he doesn't know you feel this way is a bit dismissive of his emotional intelligence. My DH has always sensed when i'm not into it, or doing it just to keep him satisfied..but can tell when my heart's not in it and would rather we didn't do it at all. He feels like he'd be abusing me somehow. your DH could have been a bit more diplomatic in his refusal, but his phraseology suggests he is aware of your aversion....

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 29/10/2016 12:53

Thank you Pippi I really appreciate that. I've had several PM's saying similar, I totally understand why people don't feel like they can relate to me on the thread and chose PM's instead.
It isn't an easy subject.

Weird thing is, I do still fancy him. Or do I? He's hot. He's fit and he looks and smells lovely!
But sex? I just wish I felt it.

OP posts:
QueenLaBeefah · 29/10/2016 13:13

How old are both of you? (Sorry if you've already stated it).

BarbarianMum · 29/10/2016 13:26

I would leave my husband if he didn't want to have (mutually satisfactory) sex with me. If he told me he only wanted sex without foreplay from now on it would be over amazingly quickly. Impotence is kind of a side issue unless it was linked to him not wanting to sleep with me - I'd only mind if he did.

Mishaps · 29/10/2016 13:31

Neither partner has a problem - the way they each feel is entirely vaild. They have a shared problem because their feelings about it are not the same - but I guess there are many things about which they differ, but that does not mean they should part.

TheStoic · 29/10/2016 13:33

I can imagine how indignant you must have felt at the time, OP. 'How DARE you reject me - I was only doing this for you!'

He is clearly not up for pity sex anymore.

I don't think you can magic up attraction for another person. What do you think your husband should do in this situation?

birdybirdywoofwoof · 29/10/2016 13:55

I do wonder if those responding have plenty of experience of having sex with same partner after 20 years and being in their 40s/50s?

Me and DH are only on 10 years, and its going well so far (!) but I imagine in 10 years time, things might well be different.

(I expect this thread will now be inundated with 60 somethings who are having amazing sex with their partners of 40 years!)

What DH said was hurtful - I hope you can have a really good and honest conversation - and come to some compromises.

PlayOnWurtz · 29/10/2016 14:06

I'm in my 30s and been with dh over 10 years. I have always had open conversations with my parents and grandparents (40 and 60 years married) and both have drilled into me the importance of maintaining the physical side of your relationship and maintaining the affection and closeness. They also said work on it when you have kids because when the kids move out and you're on your own again you've still got to want to be with each other.

They also recommend having arguments as and when necessary.

Works for them.

Happybunny19 · 29/10/2016 14:11

I am in my forties and been with my oh for over 20 years, this does not mean I no longer desire him or sex. Our sex life is better, and more regular, now than it's ever been. We have perfected our technique over the years, seems a waste not to practice regularly.

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 29/10/2016 15:18

Twisting the knife a bit there Happybunny.

That's something I have wondered BirdyBirdy

OP posts:
QueenLaBeefah · 29/10/2016 15:28

I'm in my 40s and have been with DH for 25yrs.

I would be massively depressed if DH didn't fancy me anymore and would only have an infrequent pity shag with me if he'd had enough alcohol. Would I really want another 25 yrs of marriage based on this? Not sure TBH, probably not.

Your DH absolutely does know. He told you (in a rather harsh fashion).

You need to talk to your DH. Perhaps couples counselling?

Blueskyrain · 29/10/2016 15:55

I'd be heartbroken if my husband had to get drunk in order to want sex with me. I don't blame him for not being eager to accept your pity shag.

pugsake · 29/10/2016 16:08

I think you've had some harsh replies.

I've been married under a year and ttc. Sometimes I just can't be arsed with all the work. Same goes for DH.

If it's a more long term thing counselling might help.

Naicehamshop · 29/10/2016 16:22

People have been unecessarily unpleasant to you on here op.

After 26 years of marriage I completely understand where you are coming from! It's not something that you can control and I'm sure you want to feel differently.

Don't listen to the posters blaming you - I wonder how they will feel in another 20 years!

Naicehamshop · 29/10/2016 16:23

I also think that his comment to you was really unkind.