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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

127 replies

JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 15:47

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 28/10/2016 16:40

I think his response to your suggestion was unkind OP - and your rationale is a disgrace. He does know, no matter how much you think you have this covered-up, he knows.

Do you think that he should actually be grateful for sex with you? How supremely arrogant.

Consider an open marriage - or prepare for an affair (either side) - or a divorce.

VestalVirgin · 28/10/2016 16:48

If literally everything there would be if he had his way would be blowjobs (which to my understanding only refers to a man getting off) and sex toys, then ... I can see why the OP is not interested in this kind of sex anymore.

I am not into blowjobs, personally, and being coerced into doing it would kill my sexual attraction to a man pretty quickly, I am sure.

So perhaps that is the issue.

I also don't think he should have phrased it that way.
If he knows what's going on then "I am not into pity sex, sorry" would have been both less hurtful and more precise.

user1474627704 · 28/10/2016 16:48

I know my DH and he doesn't know

Of course he knows, thats how this came about. He knows all you are offering is crap pity sex after wine, and nothing else...you think he can't work it out?

You have a pretty low opinion of him, don't you?

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 16:52

No we do several positions every time we have sex and I certainly don't just lay back and think of England. I put the effort in!

But it does lack foreplay and BJ's but I don't want to make myself do something I don't want to.

I'm not flouncing but I probably won't be able to reply now as I'm out with the kids meeting friends for dinner.

OP posts:
RestlessTraveller · 28/10/2016 16:54

You have a frankly nasty attitude to your husband and a bizarre attitude to sex.

Trifleorbust · 28/10/2016 16:54

Blow jobs are no more an essential part of sex than anal, hand jobs, tit wanks or any other specific sex act. Both partners need to be comfortable with what goes on in bed.

ShesGotAMapOfTheWorld · 28/10/2016 16:58

Trifle I agree in general but if you have done them in the past and then suddenly stop, without any explanation, it can make the other person feel a bit Hmm surely?

Plus they can be really enjoyable, with the right person (and if that person is not your husband of 20 years, then surely that's a little sad)

Pollyanna9 · 28/10/2016 17:00

I think that as soon as you don't want to put the guy's penis in your mouth, that's the barometer of a relationship where there are other things going on that are affecting your wishing to have sex with that person - or not. I NEVER wanted to give my DH oral sex, but the partner I had after that, not an issue. Speaks volumes.

Secondly, what has led him to think that a 10 minute shag is crap? Is it duration related - does he expect 'good sex' should last a minimum time? Jesus if every time had to be a 3 hour extravaganza no one would ever do it! I think there's a give and take in relationships - sometimes you want all the loving and attention from your man and that might take hours (especially if you're a more mature lady like myself who can - with a good partner - rattle out three orgasms in one night), and other times if they (or you) just want a quick one - they get you off or you let them shag you and you enjoy it but it's not earth shattering for you, then there you go. Sex shouldn't be the same every time! That really would get boring,

I think when you've come to the going through the motions bit it's not the sex that's the issue necessarily, it's a whole lot of other stuff but apologies as I've not read the whole entire posts.

Trifleorbust · 28/10/2016 17:02

Of course they might notice, but 'it can be fun' isn't an argument if someone doesn't find it fun Hmm

toptoe · 28/10/2016 17:03

I don't think I'd want to have sex with someone who had a very different idea of sex to me and enjoyed very different things.

user1474627704 · 28/10/2016 17:06

Can anyone here say they would be happy to have sex with someone who didn't want to be doing it, and then be expected to feel grateful to them afterwards?

That is fucked up, end of story.

Pollyanna9 · 28/10/2016 17:06

Oh, and also, some guys make out/think that they want the woman to come on to them and wouldn't that be nice. But when it comes to it, they don't like it. I lost count of the times that my DP would want jiggy jiggy when he was a bit pissed, and more often than not I'd be happy to oblige - so what? But I did find it was different the other way around...

Hmmmm.

Men.

But I still think there's something else that has got you to this point where you want to consider that he should be grateful.

I find that men often go for 'let's use sex toys' and the like because they're looking for something - and they think that sex toys are it. They most likely aren't and they won't be a lever for you suddenly becoming interested (!) in shagging him, but that's how they think the dumb asses.

Gottagetmoving · 28/10/2016 17:08

If my DP thought I should be grateful for sex I would not want to be with him.
There are sex therapists and counsellors who could help you. The future doesn't look good if your DP has to wait for you to be tipsy to have sex and then be grateful because you let him have ten minutes of mostly reluctant sex.

Cel982 · 28/10/2016 17:09

I think that as soon as you don't want to put the guy's penis in your mouth, that's the barometer of a relationship where there are other things going on that are affecting your wishing to have sex with that person - or not.

This is a ludicrous statement. I have been in several happy relationships, am very happily married now, and have never enjoyed giving oral sex. I get nothing from it and find it quite unpleasant. Not liking a particular sex act is perfectly normal and acceptable; it is in no way a barometer of our overall relationship Hmm

VestalVirgin · 28/10/2016 17:12

No we do several positions every time we have sex and I certainly don't just lay back and think of England. I put the effort in!

I don't know, perhaps I am overly romantic about sex, but "effort" is not a word I would use in connection with enjoyable sex. Hmm

Obviously, you cannot make yourself attracted to him when it is just not there, but perhaps you should ... well, let him go. As one is told to do with the things one loves.

Pollyanna9 · 28/10/2016 17:13

It's not ludicrous if you used to do it but now don't want to / won't.

I totally agree with / support anyone who doesn't like a specific thing - why should you do something you don't like and have never liked - I wouldn't.

BitOutOfPractice · 28/10/2016 17:13

While what he said to you was really unkind, I think it shows you perfectly clearly that he absolutely does know how you feel.

I would also not want sex if I felt it was it was out of pity, or because my partner thought they should, or that I should be grateful for it, or they were going through the motions, or any of the other ways you've described sex with your husband.

You say you haven't lost your libido but you don't want sex - specifically - with him. Why is that OP do you think?

Pollyanna9 · 28/10/2016 17:15

Well, Vestavirgin, I think that there IS effort to be put on depending on what sexual position you pick!!

I'm 49 and I'm not sure I've got reverse cowgirl in me any more lol!!!! Bloody hard on the thighs.

I think the OP is (quite appropriately) giving you the information that she doesn't just lie there and hope he'll do all the work or 'just get it over with' - she's active, she meets his needs for position changes...

So that's her bit that she's doing although there are clearly problems - which is why she's posted.

BubbleGumBubble · 28/10/2016 17:29

Not sure i would want to have sex with DP if he didnt show an interest in me until he had knocked back a few glasses of wine Hmm

It would make me feel like he needs to be pissed to shag me Sad

Stevefromstevenage · 28/10/2016 17:31

Blow jobs are no more an essential part of sex than anal, hand jobs, tit wanks or any other specific sex act. Both partners need to be comfortable with what goes on in bed

^This.

I quite like adore PIV I am not as keen on giving or receiving oral as it just does not give anywhere near the same intensity or type of orgasms and it makes the subsequent orgasm from PIV not particularly nice and penises, well frankly, they make me gag.

DH would love if every sexual encounter began and ended with oral. However it really is not my thing. I am more than willing to swing from any chandelier going and pretty often and very occasionally we do have oral but to me there is no imperative in having sex to have oral.

leaveittothediva · 28/10/2016 17:59

You simply don't want to be bothered with sex with him anymore unless your liquored up, and in the mood. He is obviously not OK with this. Just let him know. Put him out of his misery. Nobody looks forward to a "Crap 10 Minute Pity Shag", even though he was really out of order saying this to you, I'd say it's frustration talking. So Tell him the Truth, and face facts. It's in everything you've written. You know it's true. See where you go from there.

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 18:01

I'm not sure why anyone's assuming that I 'used to do' all these other things.

I've always disliked oral sex.

OP posts:
LouisvilleLlama · 28/10/2016 18:03

I actually hate this mentality that men should be grateful for sex

Original poster
JustGetOverIt · 28/10/2016 18:04

I'm over it.

I'm unreasonable. He shouldn't be 'grateful'. My reaction was from a hurt view.

OP posts:
WaxingNinja · 28/10/2016 18:05

I doubt I'd want a 10 minute crap shag with someone who had to get pissed to have sex with me and then expected me to be super grateful for it.

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