AIBU or should my DH be grateful he gets sex at all?

[JustGetOverIt]

He rejected me yesterday when I suggested having sex. He said it's just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point.

From my point of view I've been having sex with him for 20 years and wouldn't be that bothered if we never did it again, but I'd had a few glasses of wine and was feeling the love.

If he had his way there would blowjobs and sex toys and I'm simply not up for that anymore.

He rebuffed my suggestion last night and as far as I'm concerned he should be grateful I'm up for it at all because I'm definitely not putting myself out there again for a crap 10 minute shag.

"I think that as soon as you don't want to put the guy's penis in your mouth, that's the barometer of a relationship where there are other things going on that are affecting your wishing to have sex with that person - or not. I NEVER wanted to give my DH oral sex, but the partner I had after that, not an issue. Speaks volumes."

No, it really doesn't.

I get it op.

Genuine question - does everyone here believe that sex is an essential part of a relationship? I feel like life is much broader and complex than this and every time I see this blanket assertion it puzzles me .

A pp has even suggested that she 'let him go' if she doesn't want to shag him. This just seems bonkers to me if the rest of their relationship/life together is good?

That's a horrible thing for your DH to say .... but "In vino veritas" (in wine, truth) ...

Be fair to yourself and your DH. You need to be honest with him about your feelings. Give yourself a chance to leave the life you want, and him hopefully the chance to share things/life he wants.

If my DH had the same attitude as you, I'd hope we'd try to work it out quickly, but if not then it would be time to move on ... for both our sakes.

But presumably you used to enjoy sex with him? Can't imagine getting married to someone for 20 years and not ever wanting/ enjoying sex with that person.

If you never did but did it regularly and made out that you did from the start I guess the DH would then consider that as your normal reaction to sex,

Genuine question - does everyone here believe that sex is an essential part of a relationship? I feel like life is much broader and complex than this and every time I see this blanket assertion it puzzles me

It doesn't matter what anyone in general thinks. Sex is an essential part for many, not for all, and if it is for one half of a couple and not for the other, you have a problem. If its not for both or it is for both, thats fine.
It's the mismatch that is the problem.

Did someone assume I should let him go? I missed that!

Thankfully my husband and I consider far more of each other. How awful to let a spouse go over that, even if you love and adore them. (Despite making you feel shit about sex).

Louiseville yes I did used to enjoy it.

For many years in fact. But it slowly went over the years.

A life without satisfying sex is a depressing prospect for both of you. Hope you can work it out. Sex therapy sounds good starting point.

A pp has even suggested that she 'let him go' if she doesn't want to shag him. This just seems bonkers to me if the rest of their relationship/life together is good?

The problem starts at the point where, apparently, he wants to shag her.

Something about the words "just a crap 10 minute shag, so what's the point" implies that there's resentment.

If my partner had your attitude about sex with me I'd be walking out. Sex is a massive part of a relationship Imo it helps bring closeness and makes you feel wanted and attractive to your partner. It's not always about the orgasm it's an extension of a cuddle with a person you love

To deny someone that is, Imo, cruel

A Crap 1-Minute Shag?

A CRAP 10-MINUTE SHAG?!?!?!?!?!?

The Bastard!

Apart from anything else, he's obviously not keen on giving you a good time otherwise he'd be prepared to spend longer than 10 minutes on foreplay, never mind The Business - he just wants a quick release. I'm not surprised you can't be bothered with him anymore. I would have been upset, too.

I think "grateful" is the wrong word, but I think he should appreciate that despite the fact that he seems to be just using you as an aid to masturbation, you are still prepared to make love with him. (Also - I'm not surprised you need alcohol to suggest a cuddle, if that's the response you get. Very hurtful.)

It was a terrible thing for him to say. Instead of lashing out, he should have sat you down & expressed how boring sex was for him with you.
Do you think Sex therapy may be an answer?

With that attitude I'd be surprised if he isn't getting it elsewhere..

If you don't desire your husband but still have a libido there is something wrong with your marriage. Or is it because he wants a type of sex that you just don't like and he is pushy about it which has killed your desire for him?

Either way there is clearly resentment there and counselling/therapy would be a good idea to help you both.

Apart from anything else, he's obviously not keen on giving you a good time otherwise he'd be prepared to spend longer than 10 minutes on foreplay, never mind The Business - he just wants a quick release. I'm not surprised you can't be bothered with him anymore. I would have been upset, too.

It's the OP who doesn't want the foreplay!

I think "grateful" is the wrong word, but I think he should appreciate that despite the fact that he seems to be just using you as an aid to masturbation

Where are you getting this from?

I blame the porn culture.

I am not ashamed to admit that I'm in a BDSM relationship but I never do oral and dh knows it's not me, I can't even brush my teeth without vomiting.

There are many thing I will do in sex.

However many of times the vanilla sex is more than enough for both of us.

I don't think either of you are wrong, but a good talk about your sex life is in order.

*The Bastard!

Apart from anything else, he's obviously not keen on giving you a good time otherwise he'd be prepared to spend longer than 10 minutes on foreplay, never mind The Business - he just wants a quick release. I'm not surprised you can't be bothered with him anymore. I would have been upset, too.*

No no no. This is all wrong! He would do all of those things, in fact he wants to!

It's me that doesn't. I simply have sex to satisfy him.

Or not. Obviously.

And a pp asked if he was pushy or did something I don't like.

No not at all, he's amazing! But my desire has gone.

I wish I could click my fingers and get it back, we'd have th perfect marriage.

Blimey I'm with you OP, after 15yrs together (especially with young kids) I'm much less interested in dtd and I have no idea why people are horrified by the wine encouraging you, both me and DH like a glass to get us in the mood. I'm quite happy and enjoy doing boring vanilla version on a regular basis but anything other than that, I don't have the enthusiasm..and as I've said to my DH if it takes too long - you're eating into my sleeping time!

Thank you Mummayhayhem.

I've had several PM'a saying the same which I've found really helpful. I thought I'd have more support on here I must admit, but it's a sensitive subject and people don't want to put it 'out there' so I'm very very grateful to the PM's and posts of support.

It's the OP who doesn't want the foreplay!

Just because OP doesn't want anything to do with blowjobs and sex toys, it doesn't mean that she's not up for some gentle caressing and tender lovemaking.

Not every time has to be a Sex Olympics Decathalon!

I think we have some contradictions in how we think about sex! Too often we think of sex and monogamy as defining the quality of a relationship, and as the single most important thing. Even on MN people seem to be willing to LTB at the barest hint of even considering just texting someone else but many are willing to suffer year upon year of wildly unequal domestic labour or even abuse -- which seems crazy to me.
OP clearly doesn't think sex is the be all and end all. But I figure - either it's totally supremely relationship-defining important or it isn't. If it isn't that important why not just have him arrange to have sex with someone else? All honest and open and all that. But no one can't expect it to be so important that there's total monogamy and yet so unimportant that they never need to do it -- with the result that the other person's expected to cope with a lack of interest and not enjoy a good sex life forever.
I do have sympathy for you OP. Hope you can work out something that works for both of you.

Just because OP doesn't want anything to do with blowjobs and sex toys, it doesn't mean that she's not up for some gentle caressing and tender lovemaking.

Not every time has to be a Sex Olympics Decathalon!

Gosh, really? I never knew that!

OP said you have it wrong, it is her who doesn't want any foreplay and it is her who is wanting these '10 minute shags' when she does have it.

You said he just wants to use her as a quick release. You are obviously reading a very different thread to the one OP posted.

The OP says it lacks foreplay because she just isn't interested in it, if my husband never wanted foreplay with me and just wanted to go straight to intercourse I would be pretty hurt.

Her husband is not treating her as an aid to masturbation as you claimed.

BTW I am not at all judging the OP for how she feels. I get it, I really do.

I fancy my husband loads, but my libido is low and I don't have much energy for it all. It's not an issue in our marriage but it clearly is for her husband and that is understandable too.