AIBU to ask for this sum of money from DS and his partner?

[MightyJoeAverage]

I'll try to keep this short.

I've agreed that DS and his partner and my DGS can come and live in my house for a while; they're trying to save for a deposit and mortgage and we live in a pricey part of the UK, so it's not easy. They stayed for a month earlier this year and it worked well really given I'm used to living alone and they needed to find a way to establish the routine which works for my DGS who is not two yet. I didn't charge them anything that time, but I've told DS that this time I can't let them stay for free because of the impact on my utility bills etc.

They both work F/T, the other DGP's do a lot of childcare to enable my Dil to go work without sky high childcare costs. I work F/T too and live alone. How much would it be reasonable to ask for as a contribution for their stay in my home? I have a figure in mind but no idea if it's reasonable or not and before I speak to DS I'd like some help please. They would have a double bedroom and DGS will have his own room, all use of everything they need but would be buying and cooking their own food. I still pay a mortgage which is almost £600 pm.

The figure I have thought of is cheaper than rental where we are, so I'd thought of £500 pm for them all. I know that if they stay for longer than 6 weeks I have to notify the LA that I'm no longer eligible for single person discount on my council tax so I'm sort of taking this into account as well as the increased bills due to more use of water, electric, gas and so forth.

I'll shut up now, having failed to keep it short, but I'm happy to answer questions.

TIA.

This is so much more complicated than I'd thought

I will ask them these things:

How long do you think you need to stay?

What will you do if at the end of this time if you still need help in the form of staying with parents (either me or the other parents)?

Do you have any hopes/expectations for childcare to supplement the other parents input (Dil has just started a job with shifts/weekend work and I commute about 100 miles a day, mon-fri)

What have you found out about mortgage opportunities for your situation, is this a realistic goal?

What have you been contributing to the other parents?

I'm sure there are other questions so if any of you who've been there or simply have objective ideas about what else is good to talk about with them, please do make suggestions.

'This is so much more complicated than I'd thought sad'

It will be even more so if you don't lay all the groundwork. Your son is already in his 30s and he still needs his ILs and you to fund the lifestyle he wants. And this despite years of bunking off and paying you nothing despite being well into adulthood with a skilled profession. This is something your other children didn't do. They both rely on her parents for childcare (yes, they are paying them, but I doubt it's what they'd pay a childminder). They want to move from her parents because you 'get out of their way so they can have family time' and there's friction because her parents still maintain their roles as head of household because, well, they are! You are still working FT.

I wouldn't bother asking what they pay the other parents. It's irrelevant to you, anyhow.

My mother has plenty of friends who have an adult child who moved back 'to save for a deposit' and years later, they are still there, with their parent(s) expected to provide on the spot childcare (because golly, they still need time to go out, socialise, have a night on the tiles, etc) and accommodate them more and more. Or they move back as a couple with one child and hey, have another or more because, well, we need to before we get too old. Then they need a 3-bed house, not a 2-bed and it's going to be longer to save . . . .

What kind of lifestyle do they still have? Because you are making a sacrifice here, they need to, too. BIG time. You allow them in and see they are treating themselves to a lot of superfluous things, I'd be well pissed off.

Personally, it would be ringing alarm bells to me that your other children didn't need Bank of Mum and Dad to stand on their own two feet but this fella is well into adulthood and still living with ILs and Mum. Would his father put up wit this? Why doesn't he try this on with his dad? I wonder what his siblings think of him.

I agree that £500 is a bargain but at the same time if the point of them moving in with you is so they can save then I'd be inclined to only charge the extra they will use on utilities etc so somewhere between £200 & £500. Have you had any discussions with them about what they are expecting to pay?

Myself, dh and our baby son lived with my parents for 7 months while we saved and bought a house (we relocated). We weren't charged anything as such but we bought our own food, I did all the housework as my parents both worked full time and I wasn't working.

It's hard work sharing a space when you're used to doing your own thing.

How about you charge £500, if they are happy with that, and you put it to one side then when it comes to them moving out give them back anything that is left after you've paid your bills and accounted for any wear and tear?

After re reading the messages I agree that they seem to be taking the piss a bit.

How long have they been living with their other in laws/saving? How long do they think its going to take them to save up the amount they need? Is it a realistic target even if they are living with you to save? How long are you willing to let them stay?

An end date needs to be set. Have they out stayed their welcome at the in laws? I'd be inclined to say maybe 6 months tops even if you'd be happy with a bit longer just so they don't get too comfortable!! On their salaries they should be able to save a lot in 6 months plus whatever they've saved already!

OK, well do you know what?

I think MY agenda is more that they would be bunging as much as possible away in the savings and quite possibly they would like to do that AND still have a social life (which they do, to a certain extent). They have had a holiday away this summer, I didn't because I can't afford that AND maintain my house, which is elderly and needs work. But I could've chosen differently.

It's difficult to know how much to say; they haven't constantly been relying on either set of parents but their circumstances once the baby came along meant the accommodation they were in became completely untenable. So this has not been a chronic situation (obviously I'm now more aware that it could get that way).

The other thing is that, for various reasons at the moment, I am not going to be available as a babysitter nor childminder which is why I want to know what the expectation is. I've built a life which, for the first time, is about ME and meeting my own needs.

expat you are very direct in your views and it makes me wince a bit. But you're correct I'm sad to say, although it's much more my DS who has this expectation and his dad wouldn't help I know that for sure.

Perhaps having the conversation will bring things into focus for him as much as it has for me. I am determined that I will not be taken advantage of in any way though.

'They have had a holiday away this summer, I didn't because I can't afford that AND maintain my house, which is elderly and needs work. But I could've chosen differently. '

So did they. When you're seriously committed to saving for a deposit, the treats and holidays have to take a backseat. Plenty of adults have this problem in accommodation, but they don't expect the parents to fund them in this. They are adults, he's in his 30s, with a child they chose to bring into this world

It's YOU who is in the driving seat here, so SPEAK UP! I'd want to see their budget, I'd want an end date, to know what research they have done into getting a mortgage and covering fees and saving for maintenance on a home. And this idea that you get out of the way so they can have family time? Erm, NO. This is YOUR house that you work hard to pay for. It's all well and good wanting to help, but that's a two-way street and they are well into adulthood.

I'm cynical because again, I have seen a lot of my mother's friends end up with adult children who stay and stay and stay, have more kids then they can't afford the size of house they want (not willing to compromise and kids share bedrooms for a while, etc), whinge about how they need nights out/holidays/treats/new gadgets/better car because they 'work so hard' (don't we all?) when they are not paying their way in life. It's really destroyed a lot of relationships and caused a lot of resentment, particularly among the siblings who have not taken the piss and watch Mum and Dad continually taken advantage of by one sibling.

These are not 18-year-olds here.

I personally think £500 is reasonable, it's still a heck of a lot cheaper than running their own home by time they've paid rent, council tax, utility bills etc. I dont think they should just be able to have it handed to them so easily as they are still putting you out as you're giving up your space for them to stay with you. I lived at home until I was 22 and my mum would charge me £250 for keep and £50 towards petrol for the month as she often dropped and picked me from work as she passed it to get to and from her work. That was just me, not another adult and a toddler also.
Remember, you are helping them out by offering somewhere cheaper to stay in order to save more money, but you don't have to be a complete mug and just let them stay for tuppence

As others have said charge them the cost to you of them staying there, so if they're buying their own food that will be the increase in bills and the increase in council tax. You can't be expected to subsidise them but there wouldn't be much point in them staying with you unless it was going to be much much cheaper than renting their own place.

Although if they're actually better off than you and getting more luxuries than you are (just read more of the thread) it's totally reasonable that you should both benefit financially from the arrangement. They should certainly pay for their share of bills and increased council tax and after that I'd charge them about half of the going rental cost. That way you're both saving.

the other DGP's do a lot of childcare to enable my Dil to go work without sky high childcare costs.

I can't get past this.

I can't get past this.

Well if you RTFT you'd see that OP has apologied for that.

Maybe charge them for the extra it will cost you, but also agree on the length of time they'll be there. Could you have them put a certain amount of money in a savings account every month so that you know they're saving rather than making the most of cheap accommodation?

Probably going to get nailed for this..

I think it's completely reasonable. As soon as I got a job. I paid rent to my mum as did my sister. Nothing in life is for free. Your son and his partner seem to rely on everyone else to make their lives a little easier. Free childcare and living in people's houses rent free so they can buy them selves a lovely house. - I don't think they consider at all any financial impact on other people. All seems to be how to financially better themselves.

Just read the update regarding the holiday. Your son and DIL are taking the piss. If they are seriously committed to saving a deposit then they wouldn't go on a holiday.

"head of the household" wtaf is this??

The one(s) whose house it is.

expatinscotland why does this automatically have to be the male?

OP is sexist as hell and no one seems to care.

It doesn't. She didn't say it was. She made that comment about her DIL's work and she apologised for it long ago.

I reckon the OP's son is butting heads with his FIL. Probably because he and his wife are enjoying the perks of a home that is not theirs while not visibily saving like demons and being grateful that they are being subsidised.

OP - I really wouldn't. If they screw up the generosity of his PIL, don't be his next safety net.

OP is sexist as hell and no one seems to care

What would you have me do then Geordie. Ask a linguist to proof read my every word, turn of phrase and ideas before I commit word to screen so it doesn't offend? I read plenty on here that really is offensive, and deliberately so, it seems.

I'm a WOMAN and I behave ethically in my relationships, regardless of social difference, and that's why I asked the question in the first place. FFS. I made remarks that were picked up and when I read them myself I gave myself an because if my DS were to say the same thing to me about childcare I'd pull him on it!

And the head of the household thing should have been in 'marks' or prefixed by so-called to show that this is a dynamic which is making it hard for FIL and DS to continue living together at the moment and more represents their belief system than mine.

But to ALL those posters who have generously shared your experiences, views and suggestions I appreciate that. Thank you.

GeordieBadgers, don't wade in with a de-rail when you clearly haven't RTFT.

Hi OP,

Have PM'd you.

I think £500 is fine in itself. IMHO, you making a profit in terms of paying less for your bills etc than you would if they weren't there isn't outrageous, as a tradeoff for loss of space and privacy. The question is just whether it's more important to you to do this or to have them out sooner. Both are valid perspectives.