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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask for this sum of money from DS and his partner?

204 replies

MightyJoeAverage · 27/10/2016 14:18

I'll try to keep this short.

I've agreed that DS and his partner and my DGS can come and live in my house for a while; they're trying to save for a deposit and mortgage and we live in a pricey part of the UK, so it's not easy. They stayed for a month earlier this year and it worked well really given I'm used to living alone and they needed to find a way to establish the routine which works for my DGS who is not two yet. I didn't charge them anything that time, but I've told DS that this time I can't let them stay for free because of the impact on my utility bills etc.

They both work F/T, the other DGP's do a lot of childcare to enable my Dil to go work without sky high childcare costs. I work F/T too and live alone. How much would it be reasonable to ask for as a contribution for their stay in my home? I have a figure in mind but no idea if it's reasonable or not and before I speak to DS I'd like some help please. They would have a double bedroom and DGS will have his own room, all use of everything they need but would be buying and cooking their own food. I still pay a mortgage which is almost £600 pm.

The figure I have thought of is cheaper than rental where we are, so I'd thought of £500 pm for them all. I know that if they stay for longer than 6 weeks I have to notify the LA that I'm no longer eligible for single person discount on my council tax so I'm sort of taking this into account as well as the increased bills due to more use of water, electric, gas and so forth.

I'll shut up now, having failed to keep it short, but I'm happy to answer questions.

TIA.

OP posts:
anotheronebitthedust · 27/10/2016 18:42

If your Ctax is currently 1200 (so 100p/m) and will rise to 1600 (133p/m) then £500 does seem slightly steep. It depends how much utilities are in your area, but I can't see how having them there would cost you £467 extra per month in gas, electric and water. It seems like quite a lot.

If you're thinking of the rest as a small contribution to rent to compensate you for having less privacy, wear and tear, etc, that's fair enough and still a lot less than they would pay in rent otherwise, but you should be honest and admit you will be profiting from them, as that excess money will presumably go towards your mortgage which otherwise you would have to pay solely by yourself.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 18:46

'What you don't want is them feeling you are profiting from them being there.'

Why not? It's her house. Any LL they pay is profiting by their being there.

Wow, so your other kids have their shit together but your son is still like this, and has form for ripping the piss out of you? I wouldn't think too highly of a brother like that, and would have no qualms about telling him so. 'Off to scrounge off Ma again. Same old, same old.'

I think you're putting yourself at risk here. So yeah, £500 or they can stay put.

LouieLou2013 · 27/10/2016 18:47

I think it's fair enough to be honest. They could save at least £1,000 per month if the only other bill they have is paying other GP'a for childcare and food.

Guess it depends on how quickly you want them out of your hair, charge more and they will be there longer, charge less and they will save more quicker.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 18:48

Sounds like her parents have the measure of the both of them. I'd only ever move back in with my ma if I were homeless and needing to flee. I'd be embarrassed I was in my 30s and still scrounging off my folks because I didn't get my shit together.

Cary2012 · 27/10/2016 18:56

I'd say £300 with the proviso that if the bills show more then they pay the extra.

And it's your home. Yes, they're family but they are guests and should fit round you. You shouldn't get out of the way for any one in your own home.

And set a time limit. My dear friend took her son, dil and twin 2 year old grandsons in 'for a month' while the had extensive building work done. They're still there, 9 months later.

Blu · 27/10/2016 19:12

I would charge
The increase in Council Tax
The increase in bills (and this will be immense, because presumably you don't heat the two bedrooms that they use when they are empty? And will the childcare be in your house? This having the heating on all day during the week? plus massive extra use of washing machine, baths, shower etc.
and
About £250 rent. Minimum.
They buy their own food.

How much do they need to save? Do they have a timed , budgeted plan for this? is it achievable on their income and with that outgoing?

SheldonCRules · 27/10/2016 19:12

I'd charge them the actual cost of food and the extra council tax, no extra as it feels wrong to make a profit from children.

Blu · 27/10/2016 19:13

The wear and tear is considerable with two extra adults and a toddler in a house, as well.

pasanda · 27/10/2016 19:15

Are you male?
Four adults in the house? You, your ds and his wife...who else? Who are the 2 adult males?

Or did I miss something!? Confused

cheminotte · 27/10/2016 19:23

£500 seems fair enough to me. You definitely don't want to begrudge them the extra electricity or hot water but given his form it shouldn't be too attractive either.

bloodyteenagers · 27/10/2016 19:38

4 adults? Who is the fourth one?

BasinHaircut · 27/10/2016 19:38

Think you are getting a hard time here OP.

But I think it would depend how long they are going to be there for. Have you set a time limit or is it going to be less than a year? Multiple years?

I reckon up to a year then I'd be allowing them to live for cost, and obviously they sort out their own groceries (TBH if it were me I'd also be buying my mother's groceries in this situation).

If it's longer term then they need to pay 'rent'. Not market rate rent but something to cover share of phone/tv package, upkeep of house, fact that you have given up your lifestyle for them, and something just because they shouldn't expect to be housed for free.

BowieFan · 27/10/2016 20:01

Well, considering they're staying with you to save money for a deposit, it's a bit unreasonable.

I'd just charge them whatever the actual extra costs of them living there are. Your mortgage is going to be the same even with extra people there, so it's unreasonable to factor that in. I would just charge them for the extra gas/electric and food.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 20:04

'4 adults? Who is the fourth one?'

She's talking about the situation they are in just now, as they are living with the DIL's parents.

UnicornPee · 27/10/2016 20:08

£500 is a piss take
My mother wouldn't allow me to pay a penny if I tried, and she lives in a poor area.
I say half the energy bill

Eevee77 · 27/10/2016 20:12

It would be greedy that take more than than what they cost you IMO, otherwise you really aren't doing them a favour although i suppose that is up to them to decide.

Also his discounted, yet still paid for work he has done for you isn't really comparable unless you would otherwise have paying lodgers in the rooms?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/10/2016 20:13

No need to be so rude Unicorn.

starsinyourpies · 27/10/2016 20:17

I agree charge them the actual incremental cost. Also previous posters are quite right that the PIL childcare supports BOTH your son and DIL in continuing to work full time and save for a deposit.

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 20:22

Anyone well into adulthood who lives with parents whilst working FT and doesn't offer and insist on paying for that is the pisstaker, IMO.

eurochick · 27/10/2016 20:32

The less you charge them, the quicker they can save and the sooner they can be living elsewhere.

Original poster
MightyJoeAverage · 27/10/2016 22:02

Well, thanks for your suggestion Unicorn. The remark about your mum confused me though since I'm guessing that, in the same situation, with you having two salaries coming in and your mum being poor there's no way you would want to make her situation worse by moving in with her and not contributing anything. So perhaps your point was a non-point really and more of a dig.

I think expat and others have seen it the way could go and my dilemma is really about striking the balance between between what is fair for us all, me included, because although I am not entirely selfless nor am I totally selfish. I do have something to open up a conversation with DS and Ddil now though so I really have appreciated the comments, questions and suggestions, thank you.

OP posts:
Blu · 27/10/2016 22:03

What is your objective in having them to stay and in charging them, and how will this inform your decision?

Original poster
MightyJoeAverage · 27/10/2016 22:30

My objective is to try and help them and the other parents have some breathing space by having them here for a while.

And to temporarily (and I think for a couple of months at a time swapping with the other parents) have them live here considerably less expensively than renting so enabling them to live and save at the same time. And they will be able to save.

I will charge them something for the extra it costs me to have them whatever those costs are and there will be costs obviously.

They asked to come; I said yes but you will need to contribute something and that's when DS said of course, we already pay the other parents for living with them. I don't know what the other parents consider their objectives to be or what they use the money for, it isn't my business.

OP posts:
Racheyg · 27/10/2016 22:40

Hi op I lived with my in laws while we saved and for the same set up which you are offering we paid them £400

expatinscotland · 27/10/2016 22:42

How long is it going to take them to save a deposit? They're already been living with her parents. Sorry but they sound like pisstakers who feel they are entitled to a deposit at the expense of someone else's life. Interesting that your other children never took the piss the way your son did and they managed to stand on their own two feet.