AIBU to ask for this sum of money from DS and his partner?

[MightyJoeAverage]

I'll try to keep this short.

I've agreed that DS and his partner and my DGS can come and live in my house for a while; they're trying to save for a deposit and mortgage and we live in a pricey part of the UK, so it's not easy. They stayed for a month earlier this year and it worked well really given I'm used to living alone and they needed to find a way to establish the routine which works for my DGS who is not two yet. I didn't charge them anything that time, but I've told DS that this time I can't let them stay for free because of the impact on my utility bills etc.

They both work F/T, the other DGP's do a lot of childcare to enable my Dil to go work without sky high childcare costs. I work F/T too and live alone. How much would it be reasonable to ask for as a contribution for their stay in my home? I have a figure in mind but no idea if it's reasonable or not and before I speak to DS I'd like some help please. They would have a double bedroom and DGS will have his own room, all use of everything they need but would be buying and cooking their own food. I still pay a mortgage which is almost £600 pm.

The figure I have thought of is cheaper than rental where we are, so I'd thought of £500 pm for them all. I know that if they stay for longer than 6 weeks I have to notify the LA that I'm no longer eligible for single person discount on my council tax so I'm sort of taking this into account as well as the increased bills due to more use of water, electric, gas and so forth.

I'll shut up now, having failed to keep it short, but I'm happy to answer questions.

TIA.

[Racheyg]

I forgot to add it was in London and this enabled us to save a huge amount and move out quicker

[MightyJoeAverage]

expat I don't know how long - they do have a fair amount saved already but not enough for somewhere big enough for the three of them. And the other objective of asking for contributions is because I don't want to send the message that this is a permanent, easy arrangement because even if they were pressing great bundles of cash into my hands every week I would still be saying this is a temporary arrangement because I have got used to and value my own space.

[PaniWahine]

My parents did something similar to the OP for my brother and then pregnant partner. Rent for a two bed at the time was approx £1150 per month; they charged them half plus half the bills. Parents wrote a lodgers agreement, which helped their mortgage application as it showed money going out regularly to cover 'rent' etc.
My brother and partner ended up staying four years, although partly because their builder went bankrupt, but they had two kids in that time. My parents saved the 'rent' in the meantime, and when they finally moved out, gave them 20% back as a 'housewarming' gift which they used to furnish their home, pay solicitor etc

[MightyJoeAverage]

overuse of 'because' there

[expatinscotland]

I'd get that nailed down, Mighty, and some serious ground rules. You are doing them a massive favour.

[PaniWahine]

PS by the way making them pay rent made sure if it came to it, my parents could 'give' them a security deposit if it became clear they weren't actually saving for a house

[MightyJoeAverage]

Absolutely I will, thank you.

[MightyJoeAverage]

Good point pani thank you.

[Mistletoekids]

That sounds a lot
I'd be thinking more like £50, but ideally £nothing

[worridmum]

serously people are saying 2 fully grown adults who both have full time jobs should live rent free in the OPs house, when the same people here argue that young adults (18-21+) who have just finished full time edcuation should pay more its beggers beleif.

If your in the south east £400 - 500 is a steal its about 1/3 of the averge rent for a 2 bed house were I am currently living, the cheapest rent I have found near me is £850 per month in a dive area on a street with a reputation for drug dealing and 3 murders last year.....

[followTheyellowbrickRoad]

I think based on their salaries £500 a month seems fair. I don't think they should just pay the extra token amount the bills increase by. They are adults and should say their way.
Apologies if I've missed if op says anything about her own income, but I imagine paying everything on a single salary on her own isn't easy and having a bit of help to pay a share of the bills would be welcome. Why should she pay everything on a single income and they pay a token amount while they have two salaries. It will breed resentment if for instance they can afford extras and the op can't. I would ask for a time frame op before committing.

[Sundance01]

Having been in a similar situation on more than 1 occasion -

Firstly - Decide how much you want to Help them financially. Charging them nothing would be a significant contribution towards their new house.

Secondly - decide how long you really want this arrangement to go on for. Charging them less means more money to save and a quicker move on.

Thirdly balance this against how much it actually costs you to have them there and how much you can realistically afford this for the length of time they are likely to be with you.

Most of all - be really clear about how much this is costing you, roughly how long you expect them to be there and if you are subsidising them in any way roughly how much you expect them to be saving. I know you may not be able to get actual figures but setting out your basic expectations could save a lot of heart ache later on.

I made the mistake when my first daughter moved back from Uni with her partner of not being clear and they were with me far longer than I anticipated and I began noticing how many take aways and night outs they had and began feeling slightly resentful. It all resolved itself in the end with no problems but when my other daughter did similar I was much clearer about the expectations and it made things much easier in the long run.

Do not be so generous that you begin to struggle or resentments could grow.

[viques]

Frankly having read the thread I would be reluctant to give this pair the benefit of the doubt! Ops son lived at home until 2012 and did not contribute, since then he has moved out, got a partner and a baby but still relies on the generosity of others to fund his lifestyle. Don't know about his partner but am assuming that she has similar values as she seems content to go along with this extended child lifestyle.

Seems to me that since both of them are working, and being heavily supported with childcare that they could have made much more effort already to save for a deposit.

My concern would be is that they would not take the savings aspect of this arrangement seriously at all and would use it as an excuse to keep spending and make only a token effort at saving. So I would want to see a commitment to both of the following as a bare minimum :
Proof of monthly savings equivalent to most of one of their incomes.
A budget that shows a determination to save money eg packed lunches for walk, no coffee shop coffees, limited socialising, no excessive personal shopping for themselves and the baby.

If they are not willing to do the above and make short term sacrifice for long term gains then I would not agree to the arrangement at all .

[gillybeanz]

I'd give them a budget to live on, so no luxuries and keep the rest, seriously.
Take out for bills etc and save the rest for them.
If they didn't agree to that, they'd have to whistle.
Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and they haven't got a clue and are parents.

[Mondaynightblues]

even if they were pressing great bundles of cash into my hands every week I would still be saying this is a temporary arrangement because I have got used to and value my own space.

I think this is a really key point from the OP. This is clearly not a situation where the OP is happy to have her DS and family living with her indefinitely. OP, I think it is really important that you agree before they move in a set time period for which your DS and family will live with you.

[expatinscotland]

What viques said.

[DarkDarkNight]

Haven't read the full thread, but I think that's a lot to charge your own son unless you actually need the money. They are staying with you to save for a deposit but that is half a grand gone from their income each month.

Unless you are struggling to pay your mortgage I would just charge them the extra it will cost in utilities and council tax.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

There's a lot more to think about than just money here.

You say they're looking to get somewhere big enough for them. Are they being realistic or idealistic? When they say 'big enough' do they mean a house where they can cope adequately, or do they mean three bedrooms, a garden, a drive and a garage...... And it's either the perfect house or nothing? Very few people get their dream home first time, they find something that they can live in. Would their savings so far allow them to buy something that is copeable or are they always going to want something that's out of reach? (And do you know for certain that they do actually have the savings they're telling you they do or is it a delaying tactic?)

Most of this thread has been about money, and some of it has been a recognition that you are losing your space and freedom. What about the other practicalities? They'll do their own cooking and food shopping, but who will do all the considerable extra washing, cleaning and tidying that three more people in the house will create?

A third thought. There are quite a few threads on MN at various times from posters saying that they resent the way they have made their own life and paid their own way, but their brother/sister always expects to be bankrolled, housed, rescued financially by mum and dad. It causes problems both between the poster and their feckless sibling, and often even some resentment that mum/dad let it continue to happen. How would your independent DCs feel if you were giving your son a relatively easy ride compared to what they achieved on their own?

Just a few things to reflect on.

[Alwayschanging1]

How about you charge £500 or similar a month, take out what additional costs you have from that - could be bills, wear and tear, rates etc, then save the rest and give it back to them when they are close to leaving.

[Blu]

I would give them a timescale, too- this is for x number of months to enable you to save £xyz.

I would want to know that there is a plan. Not just 'vaguely keeping our costs down for an indeterminate amount of time to spend on an unresearched level of mortgage'.

Mistletoe, £50 a month for 2 adults and a toddler using two bedrooms and the rest of the house is ridiculous. The OP is paying his own mortgage and paying his household bills out of one single salary, and is presumably on the countdown to a pensionable age. There is no way he should be out of pocket subsidising two employed adults!

On the other hand rents are ridiculous and house-prices in fantasy-land where I live, and I can quite see DS living at home during his 20s. But contributing, and on a savings plan. And not in his 30s!

[Eevee77]

Who is the 4th adult OP?

[Blu]

There isn't a fourth adult in the OP's house!

The four adults in one house is why the DS and DIl want to move out of the other GPs house.

[Blu]

Which has also been previously explained by Expat.

[PandoraMole]

My DD (12) and I are currently living with my parents.

We worked out what they pay in utilities pcm based on 2 adults at home (both retired) and I pay them half of that amount (based on DD and I who are out 8am-5pm Mon-Fri and a fair bit at the weekend). I also pay for cable TV in DDs room and any top up needed when the utility bills come in every three months.

I buy food and cook for DD and I, and do a roast for the 4 of us every other Sunday. We take it in turns to buy milk, loo roll, washing powder etc.

Clothes are washed together and in theory I do our ironing although Mum does beat me to it quite often .

You do really, really need to be very thorough in your expectations of them and vice versa, and not just in regard to finances. The practicalities which I expected to be an issue have not been a problem, but the emotional side of house sharing with elderly parents after 13 years of independence and in tricky circumstances anyway (marital breakdown) has been, quite frankly, utterly horrific.

We are 3 months in with probably another 6 months to go and I am genuinely worried as to whether or not my relationship with my mum will survive that long.

What you're doing is great but I can't emphasise enough how important it is to lay your cards on the table and discuss absolutely everything thoroughly before they move in.