Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No rent no food

218 replies

Voiceoffstage · 26/10/2016 20:58

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post Blush

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'. Wink

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:10

Well done, Fairy. How is what the OP is doing 'spiteful'?

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:11

YouOwe: We would all love to have the choice of not working - tough titty isn't it? This is not micro management.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 27/10/2016 08:13

Except she isn't starving him. She says in a subsequent post that there's fruit, bread, pasta, cheese and other stuff. Just not mini frozen pizzas or something. Its a really odd thread. The "no food" mentioned in the first post apparently doesn't mean that at all.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/10/2016 08:18

Her behaviour is not ok Trifle.

If a partner was doing it to their partner the responses on here would be different. Everyone would be saying LTB. It's not right to do this to your child. If I had an adult sibling living with me I wouldn't do this.

It's bloody hard for kids nowadays. Jobs are few and far between, youth unemployment is sky high, they're told they're not worthy of a decent wage just because of their age. Any job they do get is likely to be minimum wage, zero hours. Everything is so expensive. They can't save to move out because their wages aren't regular. They can't get better jobs because employers want experience. They are stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was easier 20 or 30 years ago but people won't face up to that.

And now this poor kid has got his mother feeding herself and not even buying in the milk he likes. It's bloody nasty.

SaucyJack · 27/10/2016 08:20

There's plenty of food in the house according to the update. But stuff that he might actually have to cook rather than the junky convenience food he'd prefer. Particularly ironic seeing as he's a qualified chef.

Poor, starved little boy.....

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:23

'Her behaviour'? Jesus, are you trying to say she is abusing her adult son by allowing him to live there rent free but not buying his shopping? I have never heard anything so ridiculous in my life. It may be hard for young people but he is not even bothering to look for work! £22 in the last fortnight means he worked about 4 hours - in two weeks! And he still didn't go to the job centre. And he is still smoking. Why can't he buy food instead of cigarettes?

BakeOffBiscuits · 27/10/2016 08:23

As a parent you reek what you sow.

If the op wants to be mean to her son, let her get on with it. Her son will never forget it.
Mind you, the fact she's started a thread about it , shows she isn't quite sure about her approach. If I were her id be filling the cupboards today and having a chat with him. and saying sorry for being so mean

TheFairyCaravan · 27/10/2016 08:29

How do you know he's not looking for work? He doesn't have to physically go to the job centre to do so. It's all online. My children, and all their mates, found plenty of jobs without ever stepping foot in one!

I completely agree BakeOff

IJustLostTheGame · 27/10/2016 08:35

He has a car, smokes, basic food, and a phone he doesn't pay for.

He isn't hard done by.

I think you're doing the right thing OP. Sometimes people need a bit of a push to grow up. And incentives.

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:35

He has applied for one job - how hard can he be looking?

NoIsAnAnswer · 27/10/2016 08:37

He's paying you £100 a week (or has been). £50 for the car.

When he's not getting enough hours at work you don't buy him food?

But you justify it by saying if he's starving he can eat salad?

Just buy him some noodles/Iceland frozen stuff.

And quit the £5+ day a habit of the work canteen. Make yourself a salad sandwich at home instead

TheFairyCaravan · 27/10/2016 08:42

He has applied for one job - how hard can he be looking?

Do you know where they live? Do you know how many jobs there are that he's qualified or has the experience for? Do you know how many jobs there are that aren't zero hour NMW jobs?

Nope, you don't.

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 08:49

He is a qualified chef. The OP has pointed to a chef job that he could have, but hasn't, applied for. She makes a point of the fact that he won't go to the job centre. She makes a point of the fact that he has not approached agencies. She makes a point of the fact that his current 'job' is 10 mins from home, implying that he won't look further afield. He sounds entirely passive and I think she is doing exactly the right thing by refusing to support this attitude.

Batteriesallgone · 27/10/2016 08:52

He is a trained chef. He should be able to cope perfectly well with only having food in the house that can be cooked from scratch.

Sounds like his family is loaded and he's expecting his mum to coddle him like his gran.

Don't worry OP - I'm sure he'll turn out like Hugh Fearnley-W and get his first big break (completely on talent) cooking for a family friend's house in France. Best get ringing round.

DevonshireCream · 27/10/2016 08:54

You sound awful

Gowgirl · 27/10/2016 08:59

He has food, sounds similar to what I lived on growing up, I remember my brothers eating anything and everything at that age and ds 9 already eats more than me.
Living rurally he would need a car, and north Devon I hardly known for an abundance of well paid year round employment.
Personally I would make him responsible for the meal planning and weekly shop then give him a budget, he gets to cook what he likes for you all and you don't have to do kitchen stuff when you get home

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 09:15

If a partner was doing it to their partner the responses on here would be different. Everyone would be saying LTB

If it was the OPs partner not son that was lazing around at home making little effort to find a job, spending money on expensive insurance, cigarettes and fuel that they couldn't afford while moaning that she hadn't bought the food of his preference, people would indeed be telling her to kick the lazy git out.

Once the DS has asked for extra hours in the job he does have, walked to work to to save fuel, and applied for a good number of other jobs, then we can start feeling sorry for him about 'how hard it is for young people these days' but right now it sounds like he is acting like an entitled spoilt brat.

Batteriesallgone · 27/10/2016 09:17

If my DH said to me one weekend there's only pasta in the cupboard, why isn't there a pizza in the freezer I'd laugh and tell him pasta isn't hard. It's not abusive to not provide chips and pizza.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2016 09:23

He has a car and a phone and room&board and basic food (often all we have in the house is cheese, pasta, fruit, veg, soup, bread etc and we certainly are not in any way starving) , has applied for one job, spends his money on gas and cigarettes, is TWENTY YEARS OLD NOT ELEVEN, and the OP is the one who is BU? Okay. Hmm

Whoever said that they would buy the milk they liked for their friend, of course you would! Who wouldn't?? If I were having guests I would buy things they liked. But would I buy, out of my own pocket, expensive crap processed food for an adult trained chef who lived with me and wasn't looking hard for work and for whom I was already paying for many things? Not on your life.

Shadowboy · 27/10/2016 09:34

I'm going to go against the grain here and say the OP is not being unreasonable. Her son qualified 2 years ago and has I would have thought 2 years to look for supplementary work or another job- 2 years! The problem with withdrawing car insurance means he can't drive a car to somewhat further interviews/jobs. (£200 a month seems quite standard for a decent car for a young male- most of my students pay in the region of that)
My reading between the lines is that he's looking for 'fun food' or a wider range in food that the OP doesn't feel she should pay for as she has no other contribution, I thought she was trying to encourage him to get more work. I do think two years is a heck of a long time to be relying on a zero hours contract - it will not help his career prospects either. I agree he should be trying a little harder to find more work... sounds like life is a bit easy at home?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 27/10/2016 10:11

I think your original post was rather misleading, and I still don't understand why all the detail around you eating in a work canteen, but none of the relevant details?!

However, I think it's fine to stop buying all the extras, but only under certain circumstances... Have you actually told him that this will be happen if he doesn't pay his rent? It rather sounds like you've made a snap decision pretty much on impulse, and it came completely out of the blue for your son?

I think it's not acceptable for him to prioritise fags over rent, and not ok for him to be relying on you to find his lifestyle instead of working. It is very hard now and cannot be compared to the experiences of parents entering the workforce 20+ years ago. But he sounds like he's become a little too used to living as a child whilst enjoying the fun of being an adult...

No issue at all with trying to prompt him into taking responsibility for his own life and finances. But don't just randomly mete out punishments. Try a 'push me pull you' type of plan where you help him to find a job / brush up his cv and interview techniques / practice chef skills etc, and you also make home a little less desirable whilst not becoming nasty.

PersianCatLady · 27/10/2016 10:49

As I suspected the OP didn't come back again.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/10/2016 10:52

I think the OP was just another goady fucker. So many lately.

Tanith · 27/10/2016 10:54

I assumed, from the Op's comment in her first post about the fresh fruit being untouched, that there was basic food in the house, just not the kind that her DS likes to eat. A bit like when my DH moans that there's nothing to eat, but there are the staples of dried pasta, rice, bread, milk etc..

So I don't think she's being unreasonable although I, too, would be cutting out the car sub rather than the food.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 10:59

When people look in fridges and cupboards and moan that 'there is nothing to eat' they almost always mean that there is nothing to eat that is a tasty fatty carby combo and requires no more prep than opening a box and putting it in an oven or microwave.

Swipe left for the next trending thread