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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No rent no food

218 replies

Voiceoffstage · 26/10/2016 20:58

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post Blush

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'. Wink

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 21:47

But, for personal reasons, he doesn't want to go into a Jobcentre
Now I am getting annoyed.

No-one likes going into a JCP but if he needs the money, tough and they could help him get more work.

You tried to come over all tough in your OP and now you say that.

NameChanger22 · 26/10/2016 21:47

There could possibly be a situation in the future where he gets a really good job, earning great money and he moves out into a lovely place of his own. Meanwhile, you loose your job and after a couple of years the bills pile up around you.

He might remember the time you starved him to teach him a lesson.

OnionKnight · 26/10/2016 21:49

All those posters saying you'd sell his car, it's not your car to sell unless I'm missing something?

Gwenhwyfar · 26/10/2016 21:50

" £50 per week is ALOT less than he would have to pay if he rented a flat"

Where I live there are rooms in shared houses going for 200 pounds a month, so unless you live somewhere more expensive, you're not really offering a good deal.

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 21:51

If my son was too snobby to set foot in to a jobcentre, I would be selling his car to pay his rent...
According to my rough calculation above he could get around £50 a week by going to the JCP and he isn't prepared to do that and you respect that.

I give up.

Original poster
Voiceoffstage · 26/10/2016 21:51

Thank you everyone for your interesting views.

I think that I will give DS a budget for this weekend (providing he's not working) and ask him to treat his GF and me to a 3 course meal of his design.

OP are so correct about him doing more around the house - he will do anything that I ask him to, but no more. It would be good if he were more proactive in noticing that the microwave needs cleaning for example.

I think that I will talk to him about the responses to this post and probably show him. I think it may prompt some long overdue discussion about DS & responsibility.

Thank you for your help.

OP posts:
musicposy · 26/10/2016 21:52

It's not his fault he hasn't been getting the hours is it?

This sounds harsh but working in the establishment the OP describes, it probably is. In fact, after two years there he should be in a management position - these places have an extremely well defined progression structure to work people through. The fact he's getting 22 hours a week suggests he's doing the bare minimum at work.

Naicehamshop · 26/10/2016 21:54

You need to put the IMPORTANT DETAILS in your original post op, otherwise people don't fully understand the situation.

You sound utterly mean -spirited. Sad

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 21:56

It would be good if he were more proactive in noticing that the microwave needs cleaning for example
I think you have totally missed the point there.

musicposy · 26/10/2016 21:57

he will do anything that I ask him to, but no more. It would be good if he were more proactive in noticing that the microwave needs cleaning for example.

This may not be carrying over into his working life, but if it is, it will be holding him back whatever job he is in. Maybe time for a chat!

AppleMagic · 26/10/2016 21:58

music I agree. Having worked in catering (including fast food) anyone who puts a bit of effort in can get almost unlimited overtime. Especially someone with no dependents who in theory should be very flexible with shifts.

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 26/10/2016 22:04

I was so proud of him for being not too proud to flip burgers

Eh? Maybe that's where his slightly ambivalent attitude to work came from?

mintspie · 26/10/2016 22:05

Does your son feel he's entitled to live with you on such a basis? He sounds spoilt and needs to face up to the real world. If his job isn't paying him enough to live on he needs to find something else.

I think he needs tough love from you.

e1y1 · 26/10/2016 22:06

I could never watch anyone starve.

Insurance is the big one, but to be honest, £200pcm for a 20yo man sounds about right, it's not just the value of your own car insurers take into consideration, but the value of the car you may hit.

All well and good driving around in a little Fiesta, but if you hit a Bentley....

Headofthehive55 · 26/10/2016 22:07

Good for you. It's only when you realise that yes, it's you that has to pay for your food you really get it.

He could do a different job perhaps? Apply for more than one at a time, surely?

PersianCatLady · 26/10/2016 22:17

it's not just the value of your own car insurers take into consideration, but the value of the car you may hit
When I worked in insurance nd we had to explain large premiums to people we would say that it was relative to the likelihood of the insured knocking down a bus queue of people and the amount that the insurer would have to pay for their life long medical bills.

If £2,400 is about right for a 20 year old's insurance why doesn't the OP tell us what sort of car that is??

My DS's friends are all 17/18 and they pay between £1,000 and £1,500 for Fiestas and Corsas and the like.

Therefore I think that either the OP's DS has got a poor deal or the car is not a particularly insurance friendly one.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 26/10/2016 22:23

Lovely. Can't say I'd sit back and let my daughter not eat.

JoJoSM2 · 26/10/2016 22:39

He needs to sort himself out. His outgoings are not much and when he does get a lot of hours, he should be putting money aside. Also, if the hours offered are so few, he should be looking for another job - as a chef or not. I can't see what he's been doing for 2 weeks if he worked for only 3h or so...

AtleastitsnotMonday · 26/10/2016 22:39

e1y1 the op isn't watching her son starve she says she provides basics bread, milk, pasta, beans, fruit etc. That's hardly starving.I think if her son doesn't contribute he can't expect to have choice in the menu.

21jumpstreet · 26/10/2016 22:43

You don't want him to rely on you and yet you pay his car insurance and his phone bill?! Too proud to go in to the job centre?! My parents let me have my first wage packet to myself and after that it was 1/3 of whatever I earned as board and lodgings. That being said I was expected to work full time, methinks your son is on to a winner. Not really working, living rent free and his Grandma giving him money for petrol and ciggies.

Baylisiana · 26/10/2016 22:57

OP never said her son was too proud to go to the job centre. She just said he didn't want to for 'personal reasons'. By the sounds of it he doesn't need to go to the job centre, so I am glad he isn't using those resources when others do need them. If he could not access any family support and was applying for more jobs with no success, that would be different. But I suspect then his personal reasons would not be such a factor.

Baylisiana · 26/10/2016 22:58

Admittedly I am struggling to think of alternative personal reasons!

tararabumdeay · 26/10/2016 23:47

I didn't have children to see them go short.

Yes, I was self made in that I lived independently, not entirely by choice, as a teenager - rented flat, banger, bar job, cba qualifications, unsuitable DH.

My only inheritance was taken and given to my abusive step father's children.

Ah! the rain and the sun. I'll give my children as much as I can and if I could give them more I would:

houses, farms, cars, jobs.

Morals, values, ethics, care are all I have to offer, but they seem to have absorbed that.

No harsh life lessons for the sake of it but some real ones - such as camping not flying.

Moanranger · 27/10/2016 00:06

OP, I can relate as my 23 YO DS in now living with me, having just finished uni. They can be less than pro-active about finding work, this I know!
So I gave my son 3 months rent free. He pays his own phone bill. There are no car costs as he cycles everywhere.
I keep basics in house, bread, milk, peanut butter, cheese, but he buys food too. He now pays me £40 a week rent.I do not think you are being unreasonable, as you pay quite a lot of his running costs. I would personally not pay phone/car, but keep some rations in house. Continue to nag re work. Catering jobs are plentiful; yes, they are not all wonderful, but my view is you need to have experienced those "bottom-feeding" jobs to motivate you to getting the experience, and showing the initiative, to get the good jobs.
As far as helping around the house, my DS has to be regularly reminded to tidy up, clean up kitchen after himself; he is getting better. I don't nag or get moany, I just state factually that I expect him to leave kitchen clean, or ask him to unload dishwasher or whatever. He does. Just goes with the territory of adult DSs at home. They don't notice/mind mess.

QueenLizIII · 27/10/2016 00:37

Where I live there are rooms in shared houses going for 200 pounds a month, so unless you live somewhere more expensive, you're not really offering a good deal.

Quite. Also he is looking for work, not earning much, paid you £200 and you wont buy him anything to eat. Nice.

I've only recently realised how unfairly treated I was at that age. I was a little older. On a £14,000 salary. It left me about £800 a month and I had my student debts to pay back which were heavy. They were a post grad loans not the cushy government loans of the time. I had train fares also to work.

I got charged £400 a month or £100 a week for a room at home. This was 10 years ago. You can get rooms in nice areas of London today for £500 bills included. So 10 years ago, £400 a month for a room was daylight robbery.

I got constantly reminded that was rent and where were the bills. I got the gas bills etc thrown in my face even though I was never home and had one shower a day and the oven was on anyway at night for her food so not additional electricity in making myself a meal at the same time. I was also expected to pay for my own food and on occasion the weekly shops.

She complained so much about bills that when I got a £1k pay rise I gave her an extra £50 a month so that was £450 to live at home and pay for my food.

Things were so bad for me that I had to budget so carefully. I was so desperate towards the end of the month sometimes that I had to resort to a Happy Meal at McDonalds for lunch at work. Because they were £1.99 back then and came with a drink so you didnt have to buy it extra. A pret sandwich for example would have been about £3 and a drink on top.

But like your son, I didnt protest and just shrugged. I thought it was cheaper at home but I now know that 10 years ago I could have got a room for about £300 with bills included and saved myself lots.

He is 20. TWENTY! It is just so needlessly harsh when a pint of full fat milk is less than £1 and you can get a cheap frozen pizza for about £2.

I will remember it when my mum is old and infirm and I hope he does too.

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