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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No rent no food

218 replies

Voiceoffstage · 26/10/2016 20:58

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post Blush

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'. Wink

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
CaptainCabinets · 27/10/2016 01:17

Fuck me, what is he driving that costs £200pcm to insure?! Confused

He needs to shop around for insurance, telematics box if need be.

Get him to devote blocks of time to applying for job after job (if he goes to sign on, he will have to provide evidence of this.)

Withholding food is nasty, though. He genuinely cannot afford to eat right now (although nice drip feed about the smoking) and you can't sort him out with beans on toast? How did you manage to afford to feed the two of you before he started earning? Hmm

HelenaDove · 27/10/2016 01:21

Queen Liz i agree. Its not just abusive partners who perpetuate financial abuse. Other family members are just as capable of doing it too.

This thread is also perfect DM fodder.

QueenLizIII · 27/10/2016 01:39

Quite helena.

I couldnt even get out of my mothers house for so long. It was hand to mouth, counting every penny I had and using credit cards for essentials which generated more debt.

Rent elsewhere was cheaper but I couldnt get away as mum would not have waived the rent for a couple of months for me to be able to save a months rent and deposit in advance to go and rent a room elsewhere. I was perpetually in overdraft and couldnt take it out of there as my limit wasnt high enough.

If the OP had been written by a husband about his wife he'd called all manner of nasty names.

But the becuase it is a child, it is acceptable to starve him even though he has been working since he was 18 and this is apparently the first time he has been unable to pay.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2016 01:42

She's not starving him ffs! She's just not buying him frozen pizza etc.

However at least he is looking for a job.

I do know adult children who have no reason to move out of their parents' houses. Everything they want is there, everything is done for them. It's unnatural in my book.

QueenLizIII · 27/10/2016 01:43

She's not starving him ffs!

The Op has said there is nothing in the house he will eat. She knew that when she chose what to buy.

HelenaDove · 27/10/2016 01:43

Queen Liz Your mums behaviour was bloody appalling.

Thanks for you.

HelenaDove · 27/10/2016 01:46

He has a fucking job. Its just its a zero hours contract.

And yet MN is rife with posts saying how baby boomers have a shitty attitude towards young people!

I just read the OP to my 66 year old DH and he was as appalled as i was.

QueenLizIII · 27/10/2016 01:51

This is also apparently the first time he has been so stuck with little hours.

I am sick and I am tired of parents of children in their late teens and early 20's saying on this thread when i was that age, I had a house and I lived independently

Housing was so much fucking cheaper when a 45-55 year old was in their early 20s. You could afford it but your children CANNOT.

Everyone knows housing prices are out of control and have risen far higher than wages have.

QueenLizIII · 27/10/2016 02:03

Funny in another post her DH was not permitted to stop working or she would leave him even though he hated his job and her son was portrayed as the good boy working full time.

You know, some people just want everyone else to support them.

That is her DH and now her son she is sniping about with their job and earnings.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2299390-To-leave-if-DH-takes-redundancy

Oswin · 27/10/2016 02:07

She says he prefers a certain milk and food. If he would rather spend his money on smoking and petrol instead of paying his way then he needs to know that's not OK.

Zero hours jobs should be illegal but he's not trying is he, he has applied for one other job when op says there is quite a few local opportunities for him.

He is young, healthy, no dependents and has a car.
He has a lot more chance of getting work with them in his favour.
To only apply for one job is poor.

Queen op is not like your mother, I've seen this on other threads about parents charging rent.
Your mother is awful but this is nothing like this.

She is still paying his phone, all his house hold costs, basic food, just not junk food!

There is fuck all wrong with what the op has in that's all I can afford most weeks.

Chottie · 27/10/2016 02:08

I can't ever imagine buying food for myself and not my child regardless of their age.

This x 1000 times

My DCs are in their 30s, my home and larder will always be open to them.

CheerfulYank · 27/10/2016 02:10

If there are vegetables and fruit and milk and bread and beans and cheese etc etc then no she is not starving him! Ridiculous. If he won't eat it, too fucking bad!

Oswin · 27/10/2016 02:12

Queen you are out of order.

How does op just want everyone else to support her.

How about not wanting to support grown ass men.

She has chronic arthritis and is out earning to house them, so for him to not even be putting any effort in must be a slap in the face for op.

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2016 02:26

Buy him food and stop paying the phone, he will soon sort himself out.

Good luck. Thanks

(PS And remind him that so many things are so much easier with a bit of disposable income and he is unlikely to have it as good as now if he finds the right job! If he works smart and stay home a bit longer he could save for a morguage or travel the world. Use the carrot not the stick, IMHO - or rather use the carrot and the stick).

SylvieB74 · 27/10/2016 02:31

I wouldn't be so nice about the phone/car, but I think in a house there should be a meal at night, even if it's mince/dumplings (approx £2.50) but then I have a thing about this as I grew up with a narcissistic alcoholic mother and food was at times very scarce 🙁

Italiangreyhound · 27/10/2016 02:37

Sylvie so sorry to hear that. Sad Thanks

TallulahTheTiger · 27/10/2016 03:08

OP both your post make me depressed and bloody thankful- thankful that I have a DH who cares about my health and wellbeing more than ensuring he is 'satisfied' with my contribution to the family pot and for my parents who will always have an open door and be supportive if times are hard, and neither I know would talk so scathingly about me should I need such support. It makes me quite sad as I don't get that you like them much and see yourself as above them on your 'managerial' post. This current thread doesn't mention your DH. Did you leave him then when he wasn't up to scratch?

Lynnm63 · 27/10/2016 04:01

Ffs op if you were my friend and popped in for coffee I'd buy a pint of milk you liked. This is your ds and you won't spend less than £1 for milk he likes. I'm so glad you're not my mum and no doubt you'll be on here bleating that he never visits once he gets away from you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2016 04:37

As he's not putting much effort into getting a job, I would sit down and tell him enough is enough. i would come up with a plan to get him out of this cycle and give him 2 weeks to execute - registering with agencies, applying for several jobs on a weekly basis etc. If he didn't comply, I would temporarily suspend the car insurance. He only needs a car if he uses it to get to job interviews and work. He can walk to his current employment. And he needs to pull his finger out there as well and find some new found motivation so they up his hours. I would provide better food and ditch the car as good nutrition is important iyswim. I lived in a rural area and had to walk or cycle and I'm a girl. I really think he's getting it too easy and your priorities are skewed. My cousins husband used to cycle about 10 miles to work and back through choice to keep fit. I really don't buy the car thing. If there's a fast food joint 10 mins down the road, he's not living more than 10 miles from civilisation or a decent bus route surely?

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2016 04:39

Posted too soon. He also only needs the phone if he's actively looking for work. I can see you are withholding nutritious food from sheer frustration but I think enough posters have told you this isn't the way.

mariaalexander · 27/10/2016 04:51

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Geekmama · 27/10/2016 05:09

OP That's really mean, he's 20 not 45 cut the guy some slack! If your doing this to try and motivate him, you're going about it a really wrong way! I would never deny my DS food! HmmConfused have you even spoke to him, about applying for more then one job at a time? It sounds like you need to sit down and have a talk. Please do this, and stop starving your son out!

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2016 05:12

Mariealexander post reported.

Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 05:29

I think your awful OP
It's not like he's not trying.
He's applied for jobs and doing his best. Glad your not my mother. I'd never threaten this on my children. And when you actually have a good salary. Your just being horrible because you can. Shame on you. I hope karma bites you on the arse.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2016 05:38

Cmon Nemo. He's not trying very hard by the sound of it.

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