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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No rent no food

218 replies

Voiceoffstage · 26/10/2016 20:58

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post Blush

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'. Wink

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

OP posts:
Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 05:52

I disagree. It's like she's a control freak saying he can't have any good. Never heard anything so stupid in all my life. If he was going out getting aresholed and taking the piss out of her yes, punish him. Totally weird parenting.

Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 05:53

Food not good

butterfliesandzebras · 27/10/2016 05:59

I don't quite understand the hand wringing, I don't think the son is literally 'starving' for goodness sake. (And I can't imagine the 20 year old who would rather his parent cut off his phone! I'm sure he'd find that much more cruel).

greenfolder · 27/10/2016 06:02

I totally agree with you. They have to learn what money means and what stuff costs and 20 is a good age for some life lessons

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/10/2016 06:03

There is food in the house so she's not starving him or saying he can't have any food. The food on offer sounds pretty dire and I think it's to make a point of what it would be like if he had to fend for himself and done out of frustration. Op should be giving him good nutritious food and cutting back on other stuff as per my post. If he doesn't get out of this cycle soon, I think he risks finding it increasingly difficult to find a full time job because he'll be seen as a slacker.

Dhs cousin got no qualifications, never worked properly and was always propped up by parents. He ended up as an abusive drunk and has done jail time. I know ops ds is a long way from being like this. But right now but paying for everything while he works a couple of hours a week and applies for the odd job on an ad hoc basis, she's teaching him the world owes him a living and a life and that is never good.

You've not offered any solutions Nemo. Just op bashed.

pollyglot · 27/10/2016 06:06

I couldn't see a child of mine going without food. He's a chef...get in some basic food and have him cook for you. I'd also insist that he get a bike - he can't afford a car.

Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 06:09

Surely she should of thought him life lessons before the age of 20? Maybe OP has mollycoddled him and now can't work out why he isn't pulling his finger out,so she's decided the best idea is to leave him with no good. But she's ok, because she can afford to eat in the works cafe and has a good salary Hmm

Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 06:10

Ffs food not good

Nemomemo · 27/10/2016 06:10

Ffs taught not thought Blush

Blacksheep78 · 27/10/2016 06:54

OP, I just ran your posts past my 22yo DD. She clapped, and said "Good Work".

He needs his car and phone to go to interviews and work. There is plenty of basic food, and he spends what could be 'rent money' on cigs. All you are not providing is 'luxury' food.

SemiNormal · 27/10/2016 07:04

I think you're doing the right thing OP, but only because my mum was in a similar situation with my brother and didn't nip it in the bud. He ended up at home until gone 30 and now he still goes back to take his washing back and by the third week of the month he's skint so is going to mums to eat, ask for money etc. I don't think this will have been an 'easy' thing to do, I know I'd find it difficult with my son (although he's only 6 right now so hard to imagine him at 20) but I do think it will be teaching him a vauluable lesson in life - you want nice things then you have to go and earn them or you'll be stuck with the basics.

hungryhippo90 · 27/10/2016 07:11

I've not read the full thread, so I may have missed follow up posts that loony out that this isn't as harsh as it appears.

Life is hard for so many at the moment OP. These zero hour contracts aren't only affecting the young like your son. They are given out to so many, and its hard to change that role to another.
It is easier for him to live at your house and he does need to learn to be self reliant but he also needs to be provided with basic necessities.

Tryittwice · 27/10/2016 07:16

You say you are on a good wage so why are you telling your son you can't afford food. No rent, no food?

Surely you mean you don't think you should provide food he likes until he pays you more.

Are you going to stand by and watch him visibly lose weight?

I am shocked by your mean attitude.

I agree with pps that years ago it was much easier to be self sufficient at that age than it is now.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 07:21

The son needs to get a proper job ASAP or the car needs to go, or if it's not worth much and you have somewhere to keep it off road, just SORN it and cancel the insurance.

£200 pm when it's not needed for work is ridiculous. A minor point, but would the insurance be cheaper if the OP was on as a second driver?

He's a chef - he should be able to get full time work and more between now and Christmas at least. If not, he's either not very good or not applying himself properly in finding work/interviews.

Why is he getting so few hours at the fast food restaurant. Is he not trying very hard there either? A PP says that the good workers get all the hours and those that don't put the effort in get little or nothing - could this be the case.

I know a few chefs and they all eat terribly at home. Probably due to not wanting to cook when they've been doing it all day at work.

Could he look for different work or does he want to be a chef? Proper cheffing is very hard - extremely long hours and the pay often isn't great. What about retail or waiting until Christmas, or building site labouring work - to do this he needs to sign up with agencies that deal with this.

But he can't be subsidised by his mum forever, or else the OP will still be here in 10 years time moaning about her 30 YO DS not earning and not making any effort.

Only1scoop · 27/10/2016 07:22

I basically see where you are coming from, but IMO your priorities are skewed....not sorting the food but STILL paying out for car insurance and mobile phone. Shoots you in the backside if you are trying to instil life's priorities IMO.

BarbaraofSeville · 27/10/2016 07:24

'waiting until Christmas' = waiting tables in restaurants, not waiting until Christmas to look for work.

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 07:37

He does sound extremely lazy from the drip feed. Coming to you and complaining that there is no food in the house that you are meant to have bought with the money he is refusing to earn? I had some sympathy until I realised he is smoking, driving and refusing to set foot in a job centre. He is 20 and this is not okay.

Isetan · 27/10/2016 07:38

I never understand where parents think their children learn being responsible from. I'm guessing your sense of responsibility came in part from being brought up by parents who didn't indulge your irresponsible behaviour. By essentially bankrolling his 'living beyond his means lifestyle', you've taught him that you'd be responsible and shock horror, he's embraced it.

The line between supporting your son and being a doormat ain't that thin and a big part of this problem lies in your rationale for treating him like he's a child. So go ahead and give him a smallish dose of reality but do you really think that'll be enough for him to understand and appreciate the responsibilities of being an adult when Mummy's still paying for his car and mobile.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/10/2016 07:44

Christ on a rubber bike! I could never treat my children like that. It's bloody spiteful.

What sort of car is he driving that's costing £200 a month? DS1 bought his 2L 3 Series BMW at 20 and was paying £900 a year.

DS2 is almost 20. He's at uni doing nursing, has a zero hours contract job (earning more than £11 a week) and we pay for his food, phone and insurance. We're not going to let him starve because he should be standing on his own two feet by now. He's our son, we signed up for this so we're going to see him right.

DS1 is in the army. When he's home we don't charge rent, because we can afford not to and he's saving for a house.

I could never behave like the OP is doing just to make a point.

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 07:51

'I could never behave like the OP is doing just to make a point.'

It's not about winning the argument, though, is it? It's about teaching your adult son a sense of basic financial responsibility. He is acting like he has the luxury of not going to the job centre and not applying for jobs with full time hours. He is acting like it is his mum's job to feed him instead of his job to stand on his own two feet.

I used to work in the fast food place I think is described here and a pp who said this is right: you can get reasonable hours if you are a good worker, turn up for your shifts and maintain hygiene standards. Turning up sober is a bonus. If you earned £22 in a fortnight, it means they are actively avoiding giving you hours or you are actively refusing them.

blueturtle6 · 27/10/2016 07:52

Yanbu, if you can help.kids you should do.
I had to move away from home for the job I wanted, mum knew how much I struggled to afford it and gave me food, otherwise id had lived on value beans, and got into more debt
I'm very grateful to her we have a very close relationship twenty years later (and I have a very good job).
Young people especially ones who can't live with their parents outside big cities have a really tough time Imo. Housing is shockingly high and jobs are hard to get, esp ones which pay the bills

Mammylamb · 27/10/2016 07:56

Yabu. How the hell can you let your kid go hungry! The poor boy is looking for a job.

Trifleorbust · 27/10/2016 07:59

Mammy: Where is he looking that he thinks is more likely to provide one than the job centre? Bollocks is he looking.

TheFairyCaravan · 27/10/2016 08:05

It's not about winning the argument, though, is it? It's about teaching your adult son a sense of basic financial responsibility

Well we've managed to teach our two sons (21&19) a sense of financial responsibility and how to be well rounded, nice, polite young men without being completely spiteful to them.

YouOweMeATenner · 27/10/2016 08:05

Micro-managing your child's employment choices by starving him. Good job OP!

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