No rent no food

[Voiceoffstage]

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'.

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

[harderandharder2breathe]

So is there food in the house or not?

I would stop paying the car insurance first, as he doesn't need it currently. Reinstate it if/when he gets a job that requires a car or that can afford to pay for it

You can't compare your youth to his. I'm 32 and even 10 years ago i was able to move to a new city and find a full time job within a few weeks (had saved enough from my previous job while living with parents to cover deposit and first months rent). Things have changed even in 10years, never mind 20 or 30! I work for the same company as I did 10 years ago and have seen the shift from using permanent contacts to temporary or fixed term ones. And older and more experienced applicants meaning it's harder for young people to get a foot in the door like I did when I was their age.

[Voiceoffstage]

As I said Naicehamshop there's only so much info you can give in one intital post - people will get bored & stop reading.

I would not let him starve - of course not! The fridge has salad stuff, the fruit bowl is always full, but it's only healthy basic stuff. For example: he likes full cream milk, I have skimmed, so there is only skimmed in the fridge. There are no burgers, pizzas, frozen chips etc etc.

When he paid rent I'd buy all of these things.

He needs a car. We live in rural Devon, we have a motorway junction close to us, but not much else, the last bus into/out of town is 20:30(ish).

He needs a car in order to be able to get another job, he also needs to have his own insurance ASAP - when he's 21 in Aug it will go down massively and the plan is that it will come out of his bank account then.

[SeasonalVag]

Ditch the car, make him cycle. There, you have food!
I do think you BOTH need to sort your priorities out, OP.

[FruitCider]

Can he not claim JSA top up if he is only earning £11 a week?

[sohackedoff]

Wow. I could never do that to any of my children. Actually, if I knew a friend's child was in that position I couldn't let them go hungry either.

If you didn't have the money it's different.

There are some hard-nosed people on this site

[emotionsecho]

I'm all for children learning to stand on their own two feet but I still think you are wrong and being very harsh, I couldn't treat my children like that and neither did, or would, my parents treat us like that. Funnily enough I'm independent and self sufficient as are my children, I enjoy helping them and looking after them if required.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

I wouldn't do this to my child either.

It's not as if he isn't trying to get a job.

It's just meanness and petty IMO.

[PersianCatLady]

He needs a car
Right now he doesn't need the car.

What sort of car is it anyway because you do know that £200 a month for insurance is outrageous??

[NameChanger22]

I think you're being mean. 20 is still really young and he's just starting out. It's much harder for young people than it was for your generation. If he was 40 and still at home I would probably think you were fair.

My parents never asked me for any rent, bill or food money when I returned in my 20s. I still couldn't wait to leave though.

[Gillian1980]

Yanbu.

Easy to say stop paying the car insurance or phone but the phone is on s contract and unpaid would be a default. If he gets a better job he may need his car to get to and from.

He has the basic food at home - if he wants more then he can apply for more jobs, take a second job, go round locally offering to do odd jobs etc. At least make a huge visible effort and demonstrate he's trying.

Perhaps you can ask him to do stuff at home, DIY or housework to earn his keep. He could be your personal chef on weeks when he doesn't earn much - that would be great!

[MaddyHatter]

ah another AIBU? Yes you are! No I'm Not post.

YABU.

He's trying, and you're being mean. HTH!

[sagethyme]

But he's a chef, so why isn't he cooking you fab meals and doing your pack lunches for you when he's got less work on? Save you money and hassle gets him to keep his hand in cheffing, may also get his enthusiasm back and start applying for more jobs! I'd be getting him some old cookery books and saying "there you go son, do your best on this budget"!

[Trifleorbust]

This all sounds a bit weird. You don't think he is prioritising appropriately, you don't think he is spending appropriately, yet you seem to acknowledge that his £22 wage over the last two weeks isn't his fault.

Is he lazy, OP? If so, YANBU.

If not, he is only 20, and although he should be paying rent, if he doesn't have it he can't pay it, can he?

[Voiceoffstage]

Hello Fruitcider
He could claim Universal Credit and would probably be better off as it fluctuates with your earnings and we have discussed it. But, for personal reasons, he doesn't want to go into a Jobcentre. That's his decision and I respect that, however, he needs to work out how to make up the deficit. I am not willing to subsidise his tobacco & petrol. I suspect my mother is giving him money, despite me telling her not to. But he's an only grandchild, she's not short of a penny (she bought the car for him) but she's not admitting to anything! I can't do anything about that.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

And both my DDs went to uni so we supported them. Dd2 will be nearly 24 when she leaves, we pay her rent, phone, bills and give her an allowance. Yes she's lucky but we can afford it.

OP, you can afford to feed your son, at least give him some warning or deadline so he knows what the heck is going on.

[sagethyme]

Helps not gets

[musicposy]

I would suggest he goes to talk to his employer as a start and ask why he's getting so few hours.

My DDs also both work for such an establishment and DD1 is a manager there (only in the holidays now as she's at uni but was full time). Some people get given just a few hours a week, enough to stop them going elsewhere. Others get a full working week every week, with the option of more. It's well known there (and among management of other similar places from what I can gather) that zero hours means they can employ the good people full time and save the less good ones for when they need extra people. DD2 has been known to phone to see if they have shifts and the shift manager says "yes, come in, I'll send x home".

I'm not saying this is right, far from it. I think zero hours contracts should be scrapped as they seem to me to work only for the employer. But I suspect if he's not getting many hours he may not be pulling his weight at work as much as others and could at least start by addressing that. And yes, he needs to apply for lots of other jobs, and I would not be subsidising any luxuries at all. I couldn't not feed my child, though (and DD1 is 20 too).

[BowieFan]

Yes, he's 20 and it's a life lesson but the point is he's actually trying to get out of the position he's in. It's not his fault he hasn't been getting the hours is it?

I think at the very least you should provide the basic staples in the house.

[redweather]

I think the wording in your OP - that he hadn't paid rent so you couldn't 'afford' food - made you sound quite U. Now that you've explained that there is food, ie. sustenance, I am more inclined to agree with your stance.

FWIW, I'm 20, have qualifications, and am working 2 jobs to support myself living in a room in a house share for £420 pcm. I pay for everything myself and am able to save a pittance each month, but I like to think that my parents would help me if, say, I was on a zero hours contract with few hours and looking elsewhere, or if I was ill and couldn't work for a bit.

[Ldnmum2015]

Look ignore these posters making out your staving him ffs his is 20, not a baby, not a child and not a teenager, while it is hard getting on the ladder, he also has to be aware of the costs of living, you are being more than kind in my opinion to be charging him cheap tent, paying his insurance etc, but you are given a hard time because you don't give him food on top! While it is good he has a 0hrs contract job, he needs to get motivated to apply for 4-8 jobs a week, further afield than 10mins down the road, which can be really depressing when he receives rejections etc, but he needs to pursue this. Yes alot has changed since you were 20, but if he's stays at home by choice, he has to start pulling his weight and take an adult perspective, where does he see himself in 5 years time? Still at home living off you if you do not put down boundaries now. I do not think you are being unreasonable to stop him using you as a hotel

[Believeitornot]

You aren't teaching him to support himself financially though.

You're funding his driving? Surely the best thing to do is just make him pay rent, have food in etc but do not pay for anything else. No phone, no insurance etc

That is a better lesson than trying to restrict his food

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

Pretty arrogant of you OP, 'people will get bored and stop reading'...

Be more concise if you think you're rambling but the salient information relevant to the post should be in it. The whole thread has changed because of the stream, not drip, of new information.

It sounds as if you've made up your mind anyway that you're not unreasonable so...

[PersianCatLady]

Can he not claim JSA top up if he is only earning £11 a week?
Good point there but I am sure that it would be quite complicated because of the inconsistency in his wages.

However say he earned £10 a week every week, theoretically speaking he would be entitled to an income disregard of £5 which would give him JSA of £52.90 and his £10 earnings, which would total £62.90.

Worth looking into.

[JennyOnAPlate]

I think you should pay to feed him. I don't think you should pay for car insurance or his phone though.

[FruitCider]

That's his decision and I respect that, however, he needs to work out how to make up the deficit.

If my son was too snobby to set foot in to a jobcentre, I would be selling his car to pay his rent...