No rent no food

[Voiceoffstage]

My son is 20. He qualified as a chef 2 years ago, took a 'zero hours' job at a well known American fast food outlet within 10 mins walk of our house as a 'just for now' job while he looked for his first chef job.

Good for him - I was so proud of him not being too proud to flip burgers until he found the right job!

Won't go into my concerns about him becoming 'stuck'! The observant of you will see it in the subtext of my post

Anyway, he's on very short hours at the moment - only earned £22.53 in the last 2 weeks. He's applied for a 2nd chef job in a picturesque village pub with a good reputation for it's food. He had a trial this weekend, they made positive remarks, he was supposed to hear today, but, ironically, his employer has found lots of night work (extra pay) for him this week(!) so I haven't spoken to him today.

My beef is, well done to my DS, but, he really needs to apply for more than one job at a time - there is a fantastic opportunity for a trainee chef in a local luxury hotel that's part of a small chain with good opportunities for progression within the group.

OK, I'm rambling.....

He's supposed to give me £50 per week 'rent' and £50 per week for his £200pcm car insurance that I'm paying since his pay is so irregular. This month I've had the £200 car insurance from him, but he's not been able to pay me any 'rent'.

So, this week I've been eating lunch in the work canteen (yeah, I know I'm lucky - , but it looks like it will be replaced with a machine in April) and buying myself a bag of prepared salad, potato to bake etc on my way home for my tea. Funnily enough any fruit that I buy remains untouched!

Yesterday my son commented that there was no food in the house. I explained that I use his rent to buy the food, and since I'd had no rent for 4 weeks, I couldn't afford food.

Admittedly he said 'Fair enough - no rent, no food'.

Now I'm wondering if AIBU?

[Batteriesallgone]

Thing is, voice, you sound assertive and are talking the talk on here but you didn't leave him after he abandoned you after the operation. Or any of the other awful things he's done.

I'm wondering if maybe you know you're in the right, find the words in your head - but then don't express them / aren't listened to / go quiet at the last minute. Does that happen?

Because putting up with that from your husband and his family for so long - and to see your son going the same way - doesn't match up with your assertive tone. What's happening between the dialogue in your head and your actual relationships with DH and DS?

[madein1995]

YABVU. Its bloody soul destroying looking for work and it can make uou doen. God i feel bad enough for being on jsa withoit my parents having a go for it (they dont btw). You should be helping him, the very least sgould be food, hes your son! He needs to help himself though, applying for just 1 job is no good. It shouldnt be just related jobs either - even retail work, etc etc, woild pay better than a 0 hour contract and for now money os important. Hes an idiot for not claiming uc though, and i wouldnt be giving anything bar basic food with thar attitude. He has to help himself

[maras2]

3perfectweemen RTFT then post

[a8mint]

Ffs! Who needs enemies with a mum like you

[madein1995]

I read the full thread, OP your dh is a twat. 2 jobs? By christ he should be applying for twice that a day. In terms of ds, i do think ylu could get the milk he likes - no need for frozen crap though. Perhaps ds is down? im unemployed and have been a bit down lately - life can be shit. wallowing wont do anything though, and i wouldnt put up with him not going to JCP. no one wants to go, you get treated like youre stupid, it cam be bloody ppintless - but at least you get regular money. Hardly anything, but something. And applying for 1 job isnt looking for work. He needs to look for anything he can do, not just what he likes. Hows his health op? Is he fit/strong? lots of bouncing jobs about, the jobcentre mkght pay for his licence. Lots of building work, shop work about. He needs to take anything he can get

[Lynnm63]

I'm going to assume you work at the JobCentre and chances are you or one of your friends would be his case officer and he doesn't want to have them trawling through his file. I understand that. He can look online for jobs though. Your main problem is your dh. I read your previous thread and you said you'd leave him if he took redundancy but you didn't, nor did you leave after your biopsy. I don't think he believes you'll leave but I think you should. Your ds though is a different matter. I'd insist he cooked for you on condition you provide food for him too cook. If he's any good at cheffing he could feed you all for less than the £5 you spend on lunch. I don't think you should be subbing him for dinner out with the gf. His car insurance is essential for work and he's probably tied into the mobile contract, reduce it to a payg sim asap.
I think you've got everything back to front not buying a pt of milk but subbing dinner out with the gf.
Tbf if you'd put all this in the first post you'd have received different responses.

[Mummyoflittledragon]

You sound as if you're at the end of your tether. Please follow through if your 'd'h doesn't get a job. He sounds like an unsupportive wanker. Personally I don't care if he's depressed if he's not helping himself and sponging off you. Had he been there for you after your back op and biopsy then maybe he'd be worth helping but he's not. I haven't read your previous threads and I do understand why it must be so hard to end a relationship when you're needing support yourself. But frankly I think you'd be better off on your own and cutting the money supply to both of these two lazy men. They are both telling you that you are completely worthless and yet you still insist that you want to pay for your ds's car insurance. I think a bit of self care and tough love is needed. As I said upthread, I'd give ds 2 weeks to get himself in order, start applying for jobs and then I'd stop paying the insurance. And hide the family money so it can't be stolen again. Your dh can pay for the insurance out of his redundancy money. YUK YUK they are both behaving appallingly badly. Life is trying to teach you to look after yourself. Please heed the lesson.

[Oswin]

Persian cat are you joking!? Poor man?
Really?
Ffs

The op is disabled she uses a wheel chair yet she is the one fucking paying for two grown men.

Her h couldn't even be bothered to apply for a temp job.

Poor man my arse.

[flirtygirl]

Yep op is right, she is flogging a dead horse with her husband snd sounds like she has tried everything.
Theres nothing you can do to change others, you can only play your part so do the best for yourself. Time to put yourself first.

[Giselaw]

"Thing is, voice, you sound assertive and are talking the talk on here but you didn't leave him after he abandoned you after the operation. Or any of the other awful things he's done.

I'm wondering if maybe you know you're in the right, find the words in your head - but then don't express them / aren't listened to / go quiet at the last minute. Does that happen?

Because putting up with that from your husband and his family for so long - and to see your son going the same way - doesn't match up with your assertive tone. What's happening between the dialogue in your head and your actual relationships with DH and DS"

^^
Echoing what batteries said

[Trifleorbust]

God, they are taking you for an absolute ride, OP. You sound amazing and you are spot on to stop enabling them to be so bloody lazy and take advantage of you. Where is the reciprocity in this situation? You are paying for everything and no support is forthcoming from two other adults capable of contributing. Absolute jokers, the pair of them.

[PersianCatLady]

Persian cat are you joking!? Poor man?
I am not joking but I am COMPLETELY WRONG and VERY SORRY for saying that.

I hadn't heard all of the OP's story at that point and the way she spoke about her DP just made me made as I COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOODB the situation.

Sorry OP.

[notmyproblem]

Helena I'm not gaslighting anyone, I read the OP and thought the same.

The OP has definitely drip-fed but even before her long post about her DH I was on her side whilst most posters were saying stuff against her.

200pcm for car insurance? He's taking her for a ride, just as he's watched his father do all these years.

OP get rid of them both for a while, you'd be surprised how much less stress you'll feel. And how much more disposable income you have when you don't have freeloaders taking it.

[Voiceoffstage]

Thank you everyone for your feedback!

Apologies- to the OP who criticised me for 'drip feeding'. I re-read all the posts & realised that I was drip feeding & it was not fair of me. You must have felt that I set you up. That was thoughtless of me. In my defence, I'm not used to forums etiquette and am not used to sharing on line. I only post on MN when in crisis. I have learned that I need to give the full picture - people can chose if they want to read, skim or ignore. It seems that someone is always willing to read/listen. I'm not used to people 'listening' to me. I'm usually the one who 'listens' - all day, everyday. I help some of the most vulnerable people in society. Very often I come home from work & need to shut myself away as I need to be quiet & time inside my own head - if you get my drift.

Ok rambling now..

MN has acted as a counsellor, allowed me to see all view points.
I know that I tend to 'rescue' people and I realise that I've been rescuing my DH and DS.

I need to use some of the 'distancing' techniques that I use at work to avoid becoming too involved at home.
I need to clearly say what I need rather than expecting people to guess from a hint & then get upset when they don't 'get it'.

DH & me had a really good talk this evening.

After an honest discussion we decided that we were happier when we lived separately & went out together, spent time in each other's houses & then went back to our own.

Maybe we can save our marriage this way? I love him & he's been a very good friend for nearly 20 years. He feels the same. I've said that I love him & value his friendship, but I am becoming increasingly resentful.

DS is my next hurdle. He adores DH - the only 'dad/father' he's ever known. DH was/is a very good father/dad - I've often told him so. DS won't be at all happy & will probably be upset.

DS owns a nice 2 bed (well, 1.5 bed really) garden flat in a central position in the city close to us. It's administered by Trustees & has been rented out for years. DS doesn't know this flat is his Late DF & me thought it best that he didn't live on 'expectations'. The terms of Late DH will were that he would only have access to the rental money for educational purposes or in a crisis. 'Crisis' to be defined by the Trustees. The profits, go into another trust fund. DS doesn't have full 'owner's rights' to the flat until he's 31 - the age my late DH was when he died. I think that was his idea of a joke - he was like that!

No,he forgot to leave me anything - typical man. I suspect that he thought that DS & me would live in the flat.

So, today, with DH agreement I gave DS's tenants notice. DS and me move in on 3/2/17. We put the house on the market &,once we split the money we will have enough money to buy a small flat/house (depending where we chose to buy) each.

So far all is amicable.

Enjoy your extra hour in bed on Sunday. All parents know that they will 'pay' for it throughout the next few nights until kids settle into the new routine.

DH and me have decided that we should live separately. DS & me will move into DS's flat (bought with his late father's insurance & held in trust). I will have to pay DS rent once he moves out, which I suspect will be soon - it's a 1.5 bedroom flat & very small! But my rent for the flat will pay his rent for a flat of his own - if you get the picture...

In the meantime we sell the main house, we are tenants in common as I put 60% of the money into it, so own 60%. We have a small mortgage that is 50/50. DH will have enough to buy a 1 bed flat.

So, I think that's it

[Voiceoffstage]

Soz about the end of the last message, must've somehow left deleted/moved paragraphs at the end un-noticed when I previewed it.

[H3ll0w33n2016]

I see that you have made some decisions - good

I was going to add earlier that I find it difficult to believe that a qualified chef cannot get a job !

Agencies and full time employers will also be looking for people to be working to provide food for weddings and xmas

I think it is probably a case that someone needs to give him a chance. This may mean starting at a lower level in a kitchen and working his way up the ranks. I am thinking about an older chef who would be willing to be a mentor.

Some hotels offer lower wages, but free live in accomodation and no or low bills.

Is it a case of lacking confidence ?

I think he needs to widen his job search and move away to work

I am sorry, but I dont have much sympathy for a young, fit, healthy 20 year old with a qualification who seems to be putting no effort into job hunting !

Also if you claim UC or JSA doesnt this provide a "stamp" towards national insurance and other benefits if you need to claim in the future ?

I think that you are being too kind and that is not helping his need to work more hours

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Fab result. However, once the house is sold, please use the money to buy yourself a flat. You don't want to be beholden to your son and if you don't buy something now, you may find buying a new home unattainable in 5 years time if house prices continue to rise.

Now that your ds has his own place, will you stop subbing him for car insurance etc?

[BarbaraofSeville]

Good luck OP.

Once I had read your update, my first thought was would it be possible for you to get a flat by yourself, sell the house, and leave them to it, which is what you are doing, albeit planning to stay married. I hope things work out for you.

Second the suggestion about your DS trying live in chef jobs away from home. There is such a high turnover in the industry that he should find it easy to get trials and job offers and if he can prove himself, he should never be out of work for long.

A relative of mine did this for years and had a ball along the way before deciding to settle down. It certainly can be a 'work hard, play hard' type of industry.